Would you SAH if your husband/partner had to work two jobs for you to do it? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 33 Old 05-10-2008, 06:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I lost our baby two days ago and DH is trying to convince me to stay at home for a few months to recover. And then he wants to get pregnant again soon and he wants me home from the day I conceive to the day the kid weans, at least.

We planned for me to stay home after the baby that we were supposed to have in December was born anyway, but his child support shot way up and we need my income now.

BUT- He's interviewing for a part time job now that pays nearly double what my part time job pays (I'm a student and don't work full time). He's heavily hinting for me to cut down my hours dramatically (to zero, or on an as need basis is what he'd prefer) and I only work 20 hours per week as it is. I'd feel bad about quitting now, especially since the boys don't need me nearly as much as they did and I'm not pregnant or nursing. But, OTOH, I'd love nothing more that to be home for them more and take better care of our house.

Is it okay for one adult in a house to work two jobs while the other works none?

Body, I've been more than patient. Please make a baby. Please?
always loving my babies. (May 08)(April 09)(August 09)(September 09) (December 10)
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#2 of 33 Old 05-10-2008, 06:48 PM
 
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My partner does it. He can make so much more working a few extra hours at a part-time job on the weekend than I could working during the week, especially if I had to pay for childcare.
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#3 of 33 Old 05-10-2008, 06:52 PM
 
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I'm so sorry for your loss.

To answer your question, yes! I think so. Especially if your husband is really behind it (for the right reasons, not cro-magnon "man work, woman cook" reasons).

Even if you don't have a baby and don't feel like you need to be home full time, it can still be an important thing to do for your family. I stayed at home for a while before we had DD, and it was a wonderful thing for us. DH could focus on being at home when he was, rather than the little household tasks that eat up free time when everyone works.

It sounds like your DH is trying to put your health first, and I would go with it guilt-free!
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#4 of 33 Old 05-10-2008, 06:55 PM
 
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Quote:
Is it okay for one adult in a house to work two jobs while the other works none?
For us personally, dh would work as many jobs as needed in order for me to be home with the kids. But all families feel differently. I'm sorry about your loss.

Blessed mama of four
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#5 of 33 Old 05-10-2008, 06:56 PM
 
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I'm so sorry about your baby...

I do stay home, regardless of how much Dh works/has to work. That's what we've agreed on, and he feels strongly about it... so I'm happy to be able to be home!

I hope you are able to rest.
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#6 of 33 Old 05-10-2008, 06:56 PM
 
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It's okay if it is what both want. If it were needed, I think that it would work better for us if my husband worked two jobs while I continued to be a SAHM. That might not work for another couple. It sounds to me that that scenario is what both of you want, but you're feeling like it might be seen as selfish or somehow wrong?

No matter what you do, there are always going to be people who judge you and think you're making the wrong choices... forget what other people might think, and go for the joy!

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#7 of 33 Old 05-10-2008, 07:06 PM
 
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I'm so sorry for your loss.


I wanted to comment on this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Phantaja View Post
Is it okay for one adult in a house to work two jobs while the other works none?
Staying home with a baby and older children is not "not working". The fact of the matter is that most of us as families need two big things: Financial income, and caregiving/household management. How those two major pieces best be accomplished is such a personal and unique thing for each family. So if you and your partner agree that this is a mutually satisfying arrangement, then go for it! It's OK if it works for you and yours.

When my dh worked full time and went to school full-time, we heard a lot of comments about it. ("And she just stays home. . . ") But it worked out for us because there was never any confusion with scheduling, and with child care arrangements, etc. It was a lot more to coordinate when I worked PT and dh worked FT. However being home all day with a toddler, and then in the evenings too when DH had school, was very hard at times, and I found myself being envious of dh at times!

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#8 of 33 Old 05-10-2008, 08:00 PM
 
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I think I'd prefer to work the second job around DH's hours. Which is what we're doing now. For two reasons - if DH took a second job, the money he'd earn from that job would be taxed at the highest rate (like 48% or something) and I'd prefer to work a part time job anyway.
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#9 of 33 Old 05-10-2008, 08:02 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Phantaja View Post
Is it okay for one adult in a house to work two jobs while the other works none?
You're not working "none"
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#10 of 33 Old 05-10-2008, 08:08 PM
 
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I'm sorry for your loss.

We did this for a few months, and frankly, it did not work for us. It's not something I would chose for my family again. It was hard on all of us, but especially the kids to be separated from their papa for so many hours a week.

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#11 of 33 Old 05-10-2008, 08:13 PM
 
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For me it'd depend on how soon you planned to start TTC. Baring any known problems getting pg I'd stay working until I got the positive, putting that $ away into a savings account. then either cutting back or quitting.
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#12 of 33 Old 05-10-2008, 08:29 PM
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Yes, I would, and I have. My DH has more earning power than I do. Its as simple as that.

: I am so very sorry for your loss.
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#13 of 33 Old 05-11-2008, 12:32 AM
 
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What a sweet dh you have.

My dh has worked two jobs so I could stay home. Yes, I did feel guilty at times, but he was committed to helping me stay at home with our kids, and would have been offended if I implied he couldn't handle the two jobs.

I have to agree with the others who pointed out that staying home is not non-work. There is a lot you can do for the benefit of your family even not working those 20 hours. It gives you way more flexibility, more time to work on the frugality aspect of your finances, etc.
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#14 of 33 Old 05-11-2008, 12:39 AM
 
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I am sorry for your loss.
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#15 of 33 Old 05-11-2008, 02:05 AM
 
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I am so sorry for your loss...I have been throught that and I still think about it and mourn it years later.

Regarding your question: no, I would rather work an alternate shift to DH than to have DH work two jobs. Co-parenting is just too important to us. DD's relationship and time with her Papa as just important as her relationship and time with me.

"Lawyers, I suppose, were children once." Charles Lamb.
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#16 of 33 Old 05-11-2008, 09:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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First, I apologize for referring to staying at home as "working none." I was a SAHM to my step children for three years while they were potty training, bottle weaning toddlers, so I know how much work it is in floor cleaning alone!

Secondly, my husband would be offended if I implied that he wasn't able to handle two jobs to take care of us, too, Cappuccinosmom. I know why, but then again I don't. Why shouldn't I take some of the load off of him? But then again, that leaves him doing more cooking, cleaning, and errands. I think that the poor guy would rather work than do household chores.

The only thing that I'm not worried about is him missing out on time with the kids. He gets off work shortly before the kids go to bed as it is, and rarely sees them at night on his work days. The new job, if he gets it, would start right after he go off work till about 2:30 am. He'd still be able to spend time with the kids in the morning like he always does.

I'll probably keep working until the end of the year like we planned, because that's when my job ends anyway. I just won't seek more work after that. Hopefully I'll be pregnant again by then, and I'll be able to save all of my pay from now till then and we'll have a nice-ish rainy day fund.

Body, I've been more than patient. Please make a baby. Please?
always loving my babies. (May 08)(April 09)(August 09)(September 09) (December 10)
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#17 of 33 Old 05-11-2008, 12:44 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CatsCradle View Post
I am so sorry for your loss...I have been throught that and I still think about it and mourn it years later.

Regarding your question: no, I would rather work an alternate shift to DH than to have DH work two jobs. Co-parenting is just too important to us. DD's relationship and time with her Papa as just important as her relationship and time with me.
:

I currently work third shift on the weekends to allow my sons to have an at home parent at all times.
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#18 of 33 Old 05-11-2008, 12:49 PM
 
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Yes, I would, if DH was okay with it.

I'm sorry for the loss of your sweet baby.
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#19 of 33 Old 05-11-2008, 01:59 PM
 
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I would and I have. It is what has worked best for our family.

I am sorry for your loss. :
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#20 of 33 Old 05-11-2008, 03:04 PM
 
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I personally wouldn't. My dh needs time with his kids just as much as I do. Seeing daddy only on the weekends or for a few minutes before bed just wouldn't fly in our house. It is hard enough on them when he has a dinner to attend or a night out of town, I can't imagine him working more hours and taking that time away from them. I'm not more important to them than he is.

I'm sorry for your loss
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#21 of 33 Old 05-11-2008, 03:08 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dawningmama View Post
I'm sorry for your loss.

We did this for a few months, and frankly, it did not work for us. It's not something I would chose for my family again. It was hard on all of us, but especially the kids to be separated from their papa for so many hours a week.
That was us too. It hurt DS alot to not see his Daddy often.

I'm so sorry that you lost your baby. I hope you find a solution that works for your family.

Breeder Mama: = wife to an amazing man + mama to J-Bear (07/02) and E-Train (06/08), nanny to Little Bird (07/10).

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#22 of 33 Old 05-11-2008, 08:26 PM
 
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At this point in our lives yes because DH would never agree to daycare for our son (I am in total agreement there) and I am pregnant with our second so I know that he wouldn't be content with me working at night. My DH can make more in a twelve hour shift than I would make all week in a part time job so it wouldn't make sense for me to do that. Also, it's simply our preference for me to be at home with the kids, my DH said it makes him feel really proud that he can care for his family financially without my assistance.
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#23 of 33 Old 05-11-2008, 08:48 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Collinsky View Post
It's okay if it is what both want.


I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'll come at this from 2 angles.... yes, I would be okay with it in certain circumstances. Just having lost a baby? Thinking of TTC again? Yup, I would consider it.

Right now my DP works 2 jobs. He works a LOT of hours. But, honestly, he makes twice as much at his second job (working Friday night, saturday from 3-11ish and sunday from 11-5ish) than I do working 20 hours during the week. I can't work FT right now, as my ds still needs me to get him to 4 different therapies every week and a lot of dr visits. It's just not possible to work FT. Even if I were working FT, he could make more at his weekend job than I would working 40 hours a week. *Sigh*. Need to get my degree finished soon.

I HATE having DP gone this much. He hates it. DS hates it. But it's what needs to be done. He might be getting a different job in a few months, which should come with a raise, so he should be able to drop Sunday's. Once DS is in school I will, hopefully, be able to get a FT job and DP will be able to drop his second job.

Until/unless I get pregnant. In which case, we would do whatever necessary to make sure I'm a SAHM again for as long as possible.

Steph, DH Jason (1-1-11), DS Owen (10-3-03) and DS Kai (10-13-11)

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#24 of 33 Old 05-11-2008, 09:03 PM
 
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nak sorry for you loss. i sah and dh works two jobs. it is hard sometimes, but he would not have it any other way.

:CLC,Doula :Mama to 2
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#25 of 33 Old 05-11-2008, 09:21 PM
 
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I would take as much time as you need to heal. Or if you think working would be better for you, do that. Do what is best for you, and what works best for your DH and you.
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#26 of 33 Old 05-11-2008, 09:28 PM
 
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I'm so sorry for your loss, Mama...

I think it is absolutely okay. My husband did it for us once, and he wouldn't have had it any other way. Nor would I. I was sure to make his time home very relaxing and enjoyable during those months....and we valued the time he was home... eventually he got one that paid more than his other two combined and we went back to the "typically" days. We would do it again if we had to. And while I was home with the kids I was also researching ways to make money from the computer of which also helped us greatly.

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss....wishing you peace and healing.

Becca ~Mama to 3 (DD - 1/3/02) (DD - 2/16/04) (DS - 8/11/05)
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#27 of 33 Old 05-11-2008, 09:31 PM
 
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I'm sorry for your loss.

Personally, I would not be comfortable having dh work two jobs at this stage of things, with our kids school age.

But I think it's ok *if* both partners are comfortable with it, no resentments on either side.
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#28 of 33 Old 05-11-2008, 09:31 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by macca View Post
I think I'd prefer to work the second job around DH's hours.
Same here and we have done that in the past. I think it's important for DH to be around the kids, if he's working 2 jobs, how is he going to accomplish that?

Unassisted birthing, atheist, poly, bi WOHM to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids Wes (14) Seth (7) Pandora Moonlilly (2) and Nevermore Stargazer (11/2012)  Married to awesome SAH DH.

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#29 of 33 Old 05-12-2008, 09:57 AM
 
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A temporary thing would be okay in my mind, but not as a permanent way of living.

My Dad only worked one job, but for extended hours. Left most mornings by 6/6:30 am. Came back home for dinner around 6, then about 3 or 4 nights a week left again around 7/7:30 for appointments with clients. Also worked a half day or more on Saturday depending on the circumstances. Mom was SAH. Yes, my relationship with my Dad suffered for it. Also my relationship with my Mom became more fraught and difficult during the teen years because it was really just the two of us so much and we really could have used Dad around more as a buffer. I have a great relationship with my Dad now, but the intimacy in it really only started to develop when I was 16/17 and his workload slowed down a bit.

It also makes a difference to my mind that per your signature line the older kids are SC -- for example if he only has 50% custody, his time with them has already been substantially limited and something that would infringe further seems more problematic.
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#30 of 33 Old 05-13-2008, 09:08 AM
 
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We've done it.
I think if you are both okay with it then it is fine.

Kim ~mom to one awesome dd (12)

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