How much does your dh help out? - Page 5 - Mothering Forums

View Poll Results: How much does your dh help out with house work?
He does at least 50% if not more of it. 55 100.00%
Very close to half of it if not half. 59 100.00%
He only does about 25%. 74 100.00%
He only has 1-2 things that he does on a regular basis. 80 100.00%
He occasionally does something. 68 100.00%
He doesnt do anything at home & I am OK with that. 9 90.00%
He doesnt do anything at home & I hate it but dont know how to change it. 20 100.00%
His job is outside the home mine is to do the housework. 39 100.00%
Even though he works outside the home he should do some work at home to. 100 100.00%
Other 20 100.00%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 10. You may not vote on this poll

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#121 of 128 Old 07-09-2008, 02:42 PM
 
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I do a lot, though when I am burned out DH will take on full responsibility of cooking, and laundry. He will also do the dishes. Sometimes he just knows -- I guess by the massive mess in the house-- and he will just step up.
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#122 of 128 Old 07-10-2008, 11:07 AM
 
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The housework is my job.

We have a division of labor based on traditional roles. I stay at home with the boys and create place DH wants to come home to. In return he works his butt off at to support my job. I do all the cooking, laundry, dishes, making meals, etc... all the "woman" stuff. After he gets home from the bakery (long early hours), he takes care of all the "man" stuff... house projects, car maintenance, mowing the lawn, shoveling snow, etc... We have a garden. DH takes care of all the planning and "outside" work and I can/freeze/make jam/etc... Also, the baby is my domain (nursing slingling) but Daddy is busy with the older two constantly... he is not home 3 minutes before they want to play baseball in the back yard.... 9 times out of 10 he does... otherwise he has them picking peas or mulching or weeding. I don't expect him to do the laundry any more than he expects me to grab the weed trimmer. We don't have to nag each other to get done what needs to be done in our household because we know whose job it is. My husband does virtually no housework but works tirelessly contributing to our family. I don't get mad when he watches a ball game on the couch with the boys while I make dinner and he does not begrudge the playdate earlier that day ("I was working hard and you spend all day at the park with your friend.... must be rough... guess you didn't get around to cleaning today, huh??!) Instead of keeping track of what our beloved doesn't do (and it would be quite a lengthy list... for both of us) we focus on appreciating the work the other one does. His work is not more important than mine any more than mine is more important than his. Together we make our family work.

Baker's Wife and Catholic Unschooling Mama to Simeon (12), James (9), Amos (7) and Annie (4) and Jonah (2)
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#123 of 128 Old 07-10-2008, 11:53 AM
 
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Originally Posted by campbellsoup View Post
The housework is my job.

We have a division of labor based on traditional roles. I stay at home with the boys and create place DH wants to come home to. In return he works his butt off at to support my job. I do all the cooking, laundry, dishes, making meals, etc... all the "woman" stuff. After he gets home from the bakery (long early hours), he takes care of all the "man" stuff... house projects, car maintenance, mowing the lawn, shoveling snow, etc... We have a garden. DH takes care of all the planning and "outside" work and I can/freeze/make jam/etc... Also, the baby is my domain (nursing slingling) but Daddy is busy with the older two constantly... he is not home 3 minutes before they want to play baseball in the back yard.... 9 times out of 10 he does... otherwise he has them picking peas or mulching or weeding. I don't expect him to do the laundry any more than he expects me to grab the weed trimmer. We don't have to nag each other to get done what needs to be done in our household because we know whose job it is. My husband does virtually no housework but works tirelessly contributing to our family. I don't get mad when he watches a ball game on the couch with the boys while I make dinner and he does not begrudge the playdate earlier that day ("I was working hard and you spend all day at the park with your friend.... must be rough... guess you didn't get around to cleaning today, huh??!) Instead of keeping track of what our beloved doesn't do (and it would be quite a lengthy list... for both of us) we focus on appreciating the work the other one does. His work is not more important than mine any more than mine is more important than his. Together we make our family work.

There is not a thing wrong with how you live. However, it seems that your husband appreciates you and your work. That is a real problem with some marriages. Not enough appreciation either way.

Out of curiosity, does your husband step up if you are ill? Would you take on the yard work if he could not? Those are the things that matter, IMHO. Not in who does what, but how good of a partner the spouse is when it really matters.
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#124 of 128 Old 07-10-2008, 02:50 PM
 
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i voted 25%, even tho lots of times it's more or less depeding on circmstances.
Ditto. Dh and I both work full time. Plus I am also a grad student. Yet, I do the majority of the household chores: laundry (including washing the diapers), meal prep, sweeping, dusting, cleaning the bathroom, feeding/cleaning up after pets, and getting ds ready for daycare in the morning. DH helps with a few in-door chores, like occasionally washing his dress clothes for work, drying dishes while I wash them, and making 1-2 dinners each week. He will also sweep or clean the litter box (if I ask).

Chores we share half & half are: taking out the trash/recyclables, bathing ds, changing diapers, picking up toys, putting ds to bed.

Outside, we pretty much work as a team, but we have different tasks. He mows in summer and snow-blows in winter. I weed the gardens, manage the compost, pick up branches (we have many old trees around us) and do most of the planting. We both water plants (as needed).

When it comes to home improvement, we always work together on those projects. In the past year we have: painted all the rooms, refinished the hardwood floor in our bedroom, replace the tub and tiled the bathroom, built two patios, replaced 4 light fixtures, replaced 7 windows, paint a shed, and there is probably more that I am forgetting at the moment.

This doesn't mean that dh doesn't help out at home. He spends a lot of time with ds in the morning and evening while I am doing chores or working on my dissertation. Before ds, we had a good balance dealing with chores. It has taken some slow adjustments after a baby and buying a house, but now we have a pretty good rhythm.

The biggest thing I have learned after 8 years of marriage and a kid is 1) always complement your dh whenever he helps you, no matter how small (this makes him feel appreciated and will be more likely to tell you how much he appreciates what you do), 2) always ask for help when you feel overwhelmed (men just don't tune into this like women do), 3) realize that he does appreciate you, even if he forgets to tell you - sometimes you have to point out what you do ("did you notice that I did x today?") to get him to notice.
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#125 of 128 Old 07-10-2008, 03:28 PM
 
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The biggest thing I have learned after 8 years of marriage and a kid is 1) always complement your dh whenever he helps you, no matter how small (this makes him feel appreciated and will be more likely to tell you how much he appreciates what you do), 2) always ask for help when you feel overwhelmed (men just don't tune into this like women do), 3) realize that he does appreciate you, even if he forgets to tell you - sometimes you have to point out what you do ("did you notice that I did x today?") to get him to notice.
ITA

Dh will say "oh why didn't you ask, you know the house bugs you more than me, so jsut tell me"

Also I will say (or e-mail) "they boys and i just cleaned out the closet, be sure to tell them what a great job they did" and he'll go looke (I did it, come on the boys are 2.5 adn 8 months ) adn tell us ALL what a great job -- it is jsut a fun way to remind him.

also when i feel i need more apperciapteion --- i take a mental check of how much apperciapteion i am giving ....did i tell DH the yard looked nice after he mowed int he heat so the boys could have a outside play date with a buddy? Did I think him for runnign the dust mop?

Aimee

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#126 of 128 Old 07-10-2008, 05:34 PM
 
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Originally Posted by TinkerBelle View Post
There is not a thing wrong with how you live. However, it seems that your husband appreciates you and your work. That is a real problem with some marriages. Not enough appreciation either way.

Out of curiosity, does your husband step up if you are ill? Would you take on the yard work if he could not? Those are the things that matter, IMHO. Not in who does what, but how good of a partner the spouse is when it really matters.
I wholeheartedly agree with your point. I think appreciation goes a long way in making a happy home and marriage. When it is absent on either side, it can cause a real rift.

I don't think everyone should adopt our set-up. That wasn't my intent in posting. I just wanted to share what works for us. You are absolutely right. It doesn't matter who does what. And yes, my husband steps up to cover for me when he needs to. He does excellent work in the postpartum days... not really up to my standards but I keep it zipped because he feeds us, does washing, dishes and keeps our ship running. He tries his best. Last week he suggested a spontaneous "let's pick up the house" after dinner ...wow... things were starting to slide after a busy weekend. He does much better than when I need to fill in. I can help weeding and other garden stuff but honestly, mowing.... never been behind one a day in my life. Luckily he is a healthy guy and we are lax on our standards for the yard so .... never been faced with that situation. I do what I can. The bottom line is not how we divy up the work.... it is that I married a good guy and we appreciate each other.

Baker's Wife and Catholic Unschooling Mama to Simeon (12), James (9), Amos (7) and Annie (4) and Jonah (2)
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#127 of 128 Old 07-10-2008, 07:31 PM
 
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I'm with you OP

I hate it, he only occasionally does something and expects lavish praise if/when he does anything, which is so rare, I'm usually shocked, rather than appreciative.

I am a Stay at home MOM, not a stay at home Maid. I am offended that he expects me to be his mommy, too. He's 30 years old and it's highly unattractive that a man his age can't put his own dirty socks in the washing machine, his dirty dishes in the sink, or put away his tobacco rolling paraphernalia so the babes don't get hold of it. It's not even so much he doesn't help, but he contributes to the mess as well! It's infuriating and repulsive that a grown man can't act like one and take care of his own self.

Add this to the long list of why I wish I wasn't married to him.

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#128 of 128 Old 07-28-2008, 06:24 PM
 
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He occasionally takes out the trash or helps with dinner or pours a bowl of cereal for the kids. He does take out the dog, I guess. But even after I had a pph after my last birth, I'll be damned if he would help me clean a litter box.

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