I don't know if I qualify as a motherless mother but my mother and I are estranged. I had my daughter January of 2008, and she came over, thinking to stay for 6 weeks, to help. When I was giving birth she left, and acted like a visitor, not helping, not doing anything. I finally had to talk to her and cried because I felt like I had to cater to her on top of having had a difficult birth and a newborn. I was terribly sleep deprived and she was adding on to the stress. She helped some after that but acted resentful. She also did a lot of fussing and would look at my DH's every move, criticizing him and also criticizing me. Did not support me breastfeeding, did not really put into consideration that I had problems giving birth (48 hour stalled labor, bad placenta accreta, hemorrage, no rest whatsoever), constant criticizing and put downs, telling us that we had no business having the four or five kids that we are planning on having and to only have two like she did. Needless to say DH and I were relieved when she left.
I got pregnant again in May. It was not really planned, but we were happy nonetheless. I called my mom up to tell her, she was the first person I told. She was not happy and criticized both me and my DH, telling me that I was going to be a neglectful, bad mom to my DD, that DH is not good enough, that she hopes it was a boy so I'd just stop having kids, etc. She sounded really annoyed and disrespectful, not to mention negative. I tearfully told her that she was not making me feel good, and that she was the first one I told because I wanted to share good news, this baby is very wanted and I wished I just never told her. We did not speak anymore after that. I lost the baby at 11 weeks and she knew about it through my brother, but did not call. I also had a gallbladder removal shortly after. Today is her birthday and for the first time in my life, I did not bother to greet her or send her a gift.
Something changed after I had my baby, instead of being joyful and happy that she has a beautiful, healthy granddaughter, she just complained a lot when she was with us and made life generally much harder for us, not to mention strained my marriage. There was a lot of squabbling and tears. I honestly do not want to talk to her, as I do not know what to say. I do not want to hear her criticizing me - somehow I always am not good enough. As a new mother, I do not need more stress or finger-wagging. I thought having a wanted, cherished and loved baby brought families closer - in my case it tore it apart. On the other hand, my father, who I have never been close to, has visited us a lot and loves to hear about DD. Asks for pictures all the time so he can put them up in his office and home. We are still not close, but has been great, even to the extent that he bought us a house. I don't know how long this silence between my mother and I will last, or will it even end? It is sad, because my mother isn't really too bad, she did what in her eyes was the best and did love us, and I don't understand what brought about this awful change. To top it off, other relatives have asked me to just call her and apologize to her, but I do not want to do that because I really did not do anything wrong. My mother is the type who would not apologize to her kids, would get very defensive and would play the "victim" card.
Thanks for letting me vent. I really needed it!