Any other motherless mothers out there? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 30 Old 10-10-2008, 05:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Since I decided to become a SAHM, I have loved it. DD is almost 7 months old and we are keeping pretty busy. I've met other moms and joined some playgroups, attend LL meetings, attend a swim class for babies, etc. We have great friends and I have a fantastic hubby and best friend--all in one. But lately, I've really been missing having my mom and dad. Especially on the days when we don't go on outings. When I'm walking with DD through a park or to the creek...I imagine my mom holding her and us talking about all the wonderful things DD is doing now. But she died in 2003 then my dad in 2005. Aside from DH's side of the family, the only family she has met are my sister and her 2 kids who live 2 hours away. My sister is not the type of person I would call with really much of anything. She's pretty self-involved and has not made much of an effort to get to know her new niece.

So, on certain days I feel so completely alone. I'm not depressed. I've been there and I really know what it feels like. And when playing, talking, reading, whatever with DD...I love it and am very animated, happy..etc. But I feel alone. I am so lucky to be able to meet other moms and to have friends nearby. One of my closest friends in 20 mintues away and also a SAHM. I feel I have no right to feel sorry for myself in anyway...but I do and also for my DD..because she can't have a grandmother to hold her and hug her and care deeply about everything she does. DH's mom passed away before we even met and his dad lives in another state. His sister and brother in law are 45 mintues away and are great. But I just miss my mom...more than anything. I want DD to have a grandma that will buy cute outifits for her and take her to lunch and spoil her and hey, even take her for a couple of hours so I can nap or see a movie or get some chores done. And I want my mom so I can tell her the fears and incredible happiness I feel being a new mom. I wish I could have seen my mom hold DD for the 1st time and just watch her and DD together..with my dad too but you know? There's something about moms.

I also live in the country so that isolation adds to my lonliness. On days when my DH has late work days, I really feel it.

I wish I decided to have children earlier but DH and I waffled and had a baby at 39...but the only reason I wish that is so she could have known grandparents. Our timing otherwise to us feels perfect.

Thanks for "listening". I just had to share.
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#2 of 30 Old 10-10-2008, 10:51 PM
 
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My mother was killed in a car accident Dec 24, 2006. My first daughter was 3 months old.

I understand

Sandi - Work at home writer mama to Zoe the monkey girl 9/06 and Luna the zen baby 8/08
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#3 of 30 Old 10-11-2008, 12:56 AM
 
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Many hugs to you both!!!

"Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." - Mother Teresa

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#4 of 30 Old 10-11-2008, 01:03 AM
 
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I get it. My mom died in 94. I often feel guilty for not being "good enough" to be my kids' mom and their grandmother. There is nothing I can do to replace her. It saddens me that as much as I try to teach my kids about her I feel they will never really know her. It's especially hard for me when I'm feeling overwhelmed and I just want a little help and I know she would have done it if she were here. And also when they do things that remind me of her so very much. (((((hugs)))))
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#5 of 30 Old 10-11-2008, 05:57 PM
 
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I also had my kids later in life--a daughter at 40 and twin boys at 43. Neither of their grandmothers is alive. I missed my mom a lot when my daughter was first born. There are some questions about parenting that you really want to ask your mom--or at least I did. Also, I'd like someone to babysit occasionally so I could go on a date with my husband.
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#6 of 30 Old 10-11-2008, 06:18 PM
 
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Both of my (wonderful) parents are gone. It's tough. Sending positive thoughts your way...
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#7 of 30 Old 10-12-2008, 02:02 AM
 
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Isn't it awful to have had parents who would have been the best grandparents, but to not have them there? It's such a shame.

My mom seriously would have been the BEST grandmother. But she died at 55 after raising us to NOT marry young (though my brother did marry young, at 22, but is childfree by choice). I had just turned 30, thinking it was going to be the best year of my life. And I did meet hubby towards the end of that year, 8 years ago last week. Tomorrow is my 9th birthday without her, and I've had a very very hard week, crying off and on, one really bad day in particular.

My dad is weird and crazy, my FIL was a good grandpa but a rotten husband and father and died almost 2 years ago, and my MIL is a fairly good grandmother to DS but is not a good mother or MIL. So he really doesn't have any good grandparents.

What's weird is that my stepdad, who married less than 3 years after my mom died, married a woman I really didn't like. Hubby hates her. Well they were taking a cruise 2 weeks ago and had a day in Seattle, so my son and I (hubby was at work, and would not have gone anyway) went up to meet them (it felt like something I should do, not something I wanted to do, and I nearly had a panic attack while driving to Seattle). And the thing that made me just want to, well, die of heartbreak is that this woman was almost as good with Eamon as my mom would have been. I'm crying right now. She and my stepdad were SO good with him. I even left him with them in the aquarium as I went to move the car so I didn't get a ticket, and let me tell you I do NOT leave him with people! It's just heartbreaking...I mean, for him it's nice that he has something of a grandmother who is good, but for ME it's rotten and lousy and yucky.

OK this isn't my therapy thread, sorry.

I'm sorry you lost both of your parents so closely, I can't even imagine. I think there's a Tribe for motherless daughters, I know I used to post on it. I think. It can be helpful, to know that there are others in the same situation.
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#8 of 30 Old 10-12-2008, 05:23 PM
 
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I owe all of you a big thank you and hug.

I have been having issues with my parents the last few years. My mom had a mild stroke a few years ago and has major speech issues, a bit of forgetfulness and also has some mental issues now, because it all starts to just roll down hill. Its very frustrating since I really dont even know her as I did before . It seems like someone snatched my mom away and left this person who has this blank look on her face and ADD. I used to spend hours talking to her on the phone-even in college, spend a lot of time when dd1 was a baby, and she is very close to my oldest. Well right before Maggie was born, she must have had a mild stroke, then my father retired, and it all seemed to hit the fan. They live in Fl during the winter months and in the Chicago area close by in the summer months. But its impossible to talk on the phone to her, going places, its like having another child with and I have to be extremely patient. She might ask the same question and get an answer and then ask again a few minutes later. She also forgets what we are talking about. I think she can think what she wants to say but by the time it gets to her lips, its all jumbled up. My dd1 hasnt figured it out yet thank goodness, but she will eventually. Its really really difficult at parties or in crowds etc.

I worry since she still drives, she will have a fatal accident, and I am hoping my father gets her to stop driving very soon.

So yes, I know what its like in a way to be the motherless mother, since I am preparing for that now like I have for the last 2 years or so. But I really dont know like you all do after reading all your posts.

"The true joy of life is the trip. The station is only a dream. It constantly out distances us."
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#9 of 30 Old 10-12-2008, 10:43 PM
 
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Yes, yes, I know how you feel. My mother died in 1985, when I was 23, and my dad died in 1988. I got married in '91 and had my children in '94, '97 and '01.

If my parents had lived, they would have been in their mid-70s when my first child was born, so I don't kid myself about how hands-on and helpful they would have been. Still, it hurts that there is a void on my side of the family. One of my older sisters died in 1995, and my surviving sister lives 500 miles away and is pretty self-absorbed. My husband's siblings and parents tell endless stories when they are all together, and it's all I can do not to run screaming from the room when I am with all of them.

I have been without my mother for almost as long as I had her with me. Sometimes I feel like the newly-hatched bird in that children's story. "Did I have a mother?" The time when I had a mother is so long ago that it feels as if it happened in someone else's life.
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#10 of 30 Old 10-12-2008, 11:49 PM
 
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Hugs to all!!

Dh and I really don't have family on either side and that's hard. I think I miss it because I always wanted a grandmother figure who could sew dolls and things like that for Dd. It is surprisingly difficult to raise a child without family. I was thinking earlier how nice it would be to have someone to come take the baby just for an hour or two so Dh and I could have some time together. Or even just someone to call and brag to when dd does something new.
It's much harder, imo, to have a support system without family.

Trying to balance a preschooler and peace....
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#11 of 30 Old 10-13-2008, 07:07 AM
 
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I lost my mom 12/23/06 when I was 12 weeks pregnant with my second and I know exactly how you feel. I am lucky she was able to be grandmother to our first, and she just LIVED to be a grandma. She adored her granddaughter and any time I see a mother with her 60ish mother carrying the baby, I cry. It is very hard to see moms and young grandmoms together. What makes it worse is that my children's other set of grandparents really couldn't care less about them - if they were great folks and treated my kids the way grandparents usually do it would be a lot easier. I wish people with moms (and sisters, and supportive in-laws) doting over their kids realized how lucky they are

((((((hugs)))))))

Michelle: obsessed crafter, Buddhist Yogini, college student, and unschooling mom of two awesome daughters 12 and 6
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#12 of 30 Old 10-13-2008, 08:21 AM
 
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I can understand how you feel. I lost my mother when I was 14, the summer between my 10th and 11th grade year. She had cancer and was suffering so I was almost relieved that she was out of pain, it didn't really hit me until I got married how much I really missed her.. I remember standing there with my soon to be mother-in-law, all dressed up and she was fixing my buttons and I just started crying.. I love my MIL but I wanted my Mom. When DD was born I really wished I could have called her up and had her drive down to see her first grand daughter. My co-workers (who were also pregnant at the time or just had babies) were complaining about silly things their Moms were doing and I wished I could have my mom there to do silly things.
I thinks its really hard for me right now because we live in a different country from any of our family and Im not close to anyone. Im also expecting our second child next month. I have days that I wish I could call up someone and talk but when its night here its day there. DH has been working insane hours so I spend a lot of days from waking up to bedtime alone and he comes in after DD is in bed and Im exhausted.

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#13 of 30 Old 10-14-2008, 02:05 AM
 
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My mom died last July (and my dad died in 2003, 7 weeks after i had dd#2). It still hurts, a lot.. for all of us (i say this cause tonight as i was coming back to pick up my dd#1 from her girl scout meeting, they were talking about being strong and helping and she mentioned helping grandma who (my mom), who had died last year).

I do hate that my parents, who while alive were awesome grandparents (got to say my dad more so, my mom had some issues, but over all was a great grandma) and now they are missing that. DH's family... well, let's not go there

s to everyone else missing their mom/parents too

(eta - there is a tribe for motherless mothers )

~Kris mama to Alexis (15), Elizabeth (10), Andrew (7), and 1 angel
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#14 of 30 Old 10-14-2008, 11:34 PM
 
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Yep- I feel this one with you. My mom died in '94; she was only 41. I also didn't realize how much I missed her until my 1st was born. Like when it started to dawn on me what she meant when she said she loved me!! It is hard to think that my kids will never know her. I live in a community where most people are not from here. When a friend has a baby, her mom comes out to help. I often imagine her holding my kids, or spending time with them. Heck, there are sometimes when I imagine her holding me!! There really is something about mothers! I miss mine too.

My dad is pretty selfish, and not really at all interested in his grandkids.

Thankfully, I live in an great area and have lot's of friends that are like family. Some of my favorite people to spend time with are women who are from my mom's generation!! Women who have been through alot, and who have great wisdom. This helps tremendeously!
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#15 of 30 Old 10-15-2008, 02:54 AM
 
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My mom got diagnosed with cancer at age 43 when I was 5 months pregnant with my first. She passed away 2 1/2 months after my daughter was born. It was awful.

It has been almost 6 years and I think about her every day. I miss her like crazy, but most of the time it doesn't hurt so much anymore. I do get weird twinges, though, strange things hurt me. I was picking my dad up at the airport and some woman got off a plane and made a beeline for what was obviously her daughter holding her newborn grandbaby. She was so enthralled with that baby, and it hurt to look at. All I could think about was how my mom missed that. She got to see my daughter but was suffering at that point and I'm sure did not get to enjoy it the way she would have liked to. And there are so many things in my childrens lives that I know she would have loved to be there for. Plus I hurt for them, missing out on her.

She would have been the best grandmother.

It is hard. I'm sorry you're going through it.
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#16 of 30 Old 10-15-2008, 08:23 AM
 
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I'm there too. My mom died when I was 11, in '92. I am lucky that my father remarried a wonderful woman, who adores my DS. I do wonder sometimes though, how I'm going to explain about "Your other Nanny" when he's old enough to understand.

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#17 of 30 Old 10-15-2008, 07:29 PM
 
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My mom commitied suicide when i was 38 weeks pg with my second son. She was my bestfriend and I miss her terribly. She would babysit my son (thats not the reason i miss her), i just miss having her support and being able to call her and see her whenever. MIl does nothing, i had my son 1 week after my mom died..mil didnt even call me to see how i was or if i needed help
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#18 of 30 Old 10-15-2008, 08:15 PM
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Well, I'm a "motherless mom", but my mother isn't dead, she just isn't in my life, by her choice. Long story short, I've seen her once since I was 8, and I don't even think she knows she has a granddaughter. I've tried contacting her though one of my half-brothers, but she's disappeared on him as well.

My history with my mom made me very nervous about becoming a mother, especially to a daughter. I am constantly haunted by her leaving, and wondering if I could ever do that to my own children. What a legacy to deal with.

I feel kind of bad trying to post on the motherless moms thread, because they are all separated by death. Where is the place for people like me?
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#19 of 30 Old 10-15-2008, 08:49 PM
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You may want to read the book Mothering Without a Map. It's for motherless mothers.

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#20 of 30 Old 10-15-2008, 08:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mkarntz View Post
My mom commitied suicide when i was 38 weeks pg with my second son. She was my bestfriend and I miss her terribly. She would babysit my son (thats not the reason i miss her), i just miss having her support and being able to call her and see her whenever. MIl does nothing, i had my son 1 week after my mom died..mil didnt even call me to see how i was or if i needed help


So Sorry!!!!!!

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#21 of 30 Old 10-16-2008, 02:03 AM
 
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I'm a motherless mother but my mom is still with us. But she is not well in many ways so we don't have a relationship to speak of. I call her every few weeks to check in. We also do not have family. Dh has a mom, brother, sister in law who all don't like me for silly reasons (just I moved in with dh, then boyfriend instead of getting my masters - meanwhile none of them have college degrees). So it really is just us.

When my dd was a baby (now 3.5 yo) it was really hard on me. I wished deeply that I had someone to *share* dd with. I felt sooooo in love and soooo lucky to be the one to spend all day with dd. She was doing so many amazing things every day I was so excited and in love I wanted to share it with someone. I wanted to share it with my mom. But I could not. It hurts very badly. There is nothing like a mother. We all deserve to have our moms with us! Ya know? It doesn't feel right or fair.

I found it got easier. I think I just got busier honestly. Nothing changed. I just didn't think about it as much.

Also I heard somewhere that it helps to talk to people who've passed on. We think about them so much - why not just talk to them? Cuz we'd feel crazy? Who cares? I lost my grandmother who was my best friend one month before I found out i was pregnant with dd. No one would have been more happy. No one. It really hurt for a looooong time that I was unable to share that with her. I think of her almost daily sometimes. But she and I laughed a lot together. So I try to hold her close if that makes sense. I just feel like she's really 'with me'. It helps somehow. And I tell dd about grammy a lot - funny stories that make me happy and I laugh while telling it. Also I named dd after my grammy.

I may be rambling now. I'm way too tired.

Sending hugs to you. I think your mom is with you. I think she's happy and thrilled and proud of you as a mom. I hope its OK to say so. I hope you find peace with it very soon. It is hard. Hugs and peace to you! :
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#22 of 30 Old 10-16-2008, 12:18 PM
 
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I consider myself motherless even though my mother is still alive. My parents divorced when I was 2 and I was raised by my father, 4 states away from my mother. I no contact with her and my mom did not even visit me until I was 8-9 and I only saw her about once every 5 years after that. I do talk to her now but, honestly, I don't have a "motherly" relationship with her, iykwim. How could I? She was totally emotionally unavailable to me for my entire life...until about 3 years ago. I talk to her now sometimes but I don't feel like I have a mother. I do have relationships with my fathers aunts, which really helps me. I am in intensive therapy because I really feel that I haven't worked through the issues of my childhood, abandonment, alcoholic father, etc. and this became apparent when my son was born.

"Breastfeeding is a robust, biologically stable activity so central to our evolutionary identity that it names the class of animals to which we belong" (Breastfeeding Atlas, Third Edition)
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#23 of 30 Old 10-16-2008, 01:12 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mkarntz View Post
My mom commitied suicide when i was 38 weeks pg with my second son. She was my bestfriend and I miss her terribly. She would babysit my son (thats not the reason i miss her), i just miss having her support and being able to call her and see her whenever. MIl does nothing, i had my son 1 week after my mom died..mil didnt even call me to see how i was or if i needed help
i am so sorry

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonya77 View Post
I feel kind of bad trying to post on the motherless moms thread, because they are all separated by death. Where is the place for people like me?
i know for me personally, being motherless doesnt mean your mother is dead. I was motherless long before my mother's physical death

~Kris mama to Alexis (15), Elizabeth (10), Andrew (7), and 1 angel
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#24 of 30 Old 10-16-2008, 02:27 PM
 
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Yes, I've been motherless for over 12 years. You may want to join us here. Sorry for the short/impersonal post. DD just woke up.
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#25 of 30 Old 10-16-2008, 03:25 PM
 
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I am motherless but my mom is still alive. She was very abusive physically and mentally, as well as my father. She wished me dead numerous times and was so happy when I finally left that abusive household to join DH. I am glad I am away from her, she was soooooo toxic in many ways. However, I think she has missed so much like my wedding, my college graduations, the birth of her only grandchildren she will ever have She is truly pathetic, but it is for the best. I just wish I would have had a REAL mother, someone who would have played with me instead of locking me in the closet for hours, or baking cookies instead of making me starve, or just someone to talk to. I really daydream sometimes about what life would have been like had I had a normal, loving mother.
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#26 of 30 Old 10-17-2008, 08:52 AM
 
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I don't know if I qualify as a motherless mother but my mother and I are estranged. I had my daughter January of 2008, and she came over, thinking to stay for 6 weeks, to help. When I was giving birth she left, and acted like a visitor, not helping, not doing anything. I finally had to talk to her and cried because I felt like I had to cater to her on top of having had a difficult birth and a newborn. I was terribly sleep deprived and she was adding on to the stress. She helped some after that but acted resentful. She also did a lot of fussing and would look at my DH's every move, criticizing him and also criticizing me. Did not support me breastfeeding, did not really put into consideration that I had problems giving birth (48 hour stalled labor, bad placenta accreta, hemorrage, no rest whatsoever), constant criticizing and put downs, telling us that we had no business having the four or five kids that we are planning on having and to only have two like she did. Needless to say DH and I were relieved when she left.

I got pregnant again in May. It was not really planned, but we were happy nonetheless. I called my mom up to tell her, she was the first person I told. She was not happy and criticized both me and my DH, telling me that I was going to be a neglectful, bad mom to my DD, that DH is not good enough, that she hopes it was a boy so I'd just stop having kids, etc. She sounded really annoyed and disrespectful, not to mention negative. I tearfully told her that she was not making me feel good, and that she was the first one I told because I wanted to share good news, this baby is very wanted and I wished I just never told her. We did not speak anymore after that. I lost the baby at 11 weeks and she knew about it through my brother, but did not call. I also had a gallbladder removal shortly after. Today is her birthday and for the first time in my life, I did not bother to greet her or send her a gift.

Something changed after I had my baby, instead of being joyful and happy that she has a beautiful, healthy granddaughter, she just complained a lot when she was with us and made life generally much harder for us, not to mention strained my marriage. There was a lot of squabbling and tears. I honestly do not want to talk to her, as I do not know what to say. I do not want to hear her criticizing me - somehow I always am not good enough. As a new mother, I do not need more stress or finger-wagging. I thought having a wanted, cherished and loved baby brought families closer - in my case it tore it apart. On the other hand, my father, who I have never been close to, has visited us a lot and loves to hear about DD. Asks for pictures all the time so he can put them up in his office and home. We are still not close, but has been great, even to the extent that he bought us a house. I don't know how long this silence between my mother and I will last, or will it even end? It is sad, because my mother isn't really too bad, she did what in her eyes was the best and did love us, and I don't understand what brought about this awful change. To top it off, other relatives have asked me to just call her and apologize to her, but I do not want to do that because I really did not do anything wrong. My mother is the type who would not apologize to her kids, would get very defensive and would play the "victim" card.:

Thanks for letting me vent. I really needed it!
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#27 of 30 Old 10-20-2008, 03:03 AM
 
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My mother passed away nearly (WOW) four years ago (I never thought about how long it was until now). She died before my baby was born or even conceived.

With her death came the end of many things -- family traditions, the family home, stability, "normal" relationships between myself and my sibling, lots of things.

Sometimes I feel VERY lonely and helpless (I don't have an extended family network or anything to lean on if I needed to). It sucks but oh well, that's life!
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#28 of 30 Old 10-20-2008, 03:04 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Sonya77 View Post
I feel kind of bad trying to post on the motherless moms thread, because they are all separated by death. Where is the place for people like me?
I think the fact that you do not have a mother in your life makes you "motherless".
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#29 of 30 Old 10-23-2008, 04:00 PM
 
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My bio mom is still alive, I hear, but I haven't had any contact with her for 2 years. She is a very toxic person that I used to tolerate until I had children. She stole my identity and ran up a bunch of debt in my name that almost made us unable to get a house. If she could to it to me, she could do it to my kids. So I let her go.

My real mother was her mom, my Granny. She and my Grandpa raised me. She died 4 years ago, 2 months before I conceived my first. I miss her so much. I wish I had thought to ask her about raising her own kids. I wish I could swap stories with her. I wish she just could have met one of my kids. My grandfather is still alive, and he is all the family I have left. I don't have much more of a support system, and DH works 70 hours a week. It gets very lonely.

Since she was my grandmother, I don't kid myself into thinking that she could have watched the kids while I went to a Mom's Night Out or anything. It isn't that part that I miss. It's more the companionship. It breaks my heart that my children will most likely have no memories of my family.
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#30 of 30 Old 10-29-2008, 05:56 PM
 
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My mom commitied suicide when i was 38 weeks pg with my second son. She was my bestfriend and I miss her terribly. She would babysit my son (thats not the reason i miss her), i just miss having her support and being able to call her and see her whenever. MIl does nothing, i had my son 1 week after my mom died..mil didnt even call me to see how i was or if i needed help


My mom also committed suicide last year. When my dd was only 4 months old. She never even met her She only saw a pic of her. I was my mom's first child. I have two siblings with whom I am closer now more than ever. It can be very hard being a motherless mother

But we will survive

Living Simply and Enjoying Life
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