I REALLY need help with my wife!! - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 110 Old 12-19-2008, 12:51 AM
 
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Originally Posted by My*Scorpio View Post
Some of the PP are suggesting that you leave this woman immediately. I disagree. You and your dd have already been through a divorce. Marriage takes work and lots of communication. If you leave this relationship, what would you do next? Be single until your daughter is an adult? Try to reconcile with your xw? Find another woman with children (a whole other can of worms)?
They are suggesting he leave in order to KEEP HIS 4 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY SAFE. His wife is physically and verbally abusive. Another divorce is NOT worse than living in fear from someone in your own house who is supposed to love and take care of you.

Yes, marriage takes work and lots of communication - and two people who follow a minimum of respect to each other and the kids. The OP's wife has shown that she is capable of REALLY inappropriate behavior that is directed at and harmful to a four year old child that she supposedly wants to mother?

What would he do after the divorce from the woman who is abusing his child? (and I don't use the word abuse lightly) Be single. Find another relationship. Regardless, I can't think of any situation that would be much worse than the current one. ANYTHING would be better for that child than living in a house with a woman who is clearly not well. She needs help. But even with help, there is no way in the world I'd trust her around kids again.

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Originally Posted by My*Scorpio View Post
In only 5 months, how much conflict resolution can have occured? I know a lot of people are pro-divorce, but even without bio children, the effects will last years. This isn't his GF, it's his wife. He decided he wanted to marry her, so she must have other qualities that he loves.

Do you think the OP came to this forum looking for validation to divorce his wife? Or perhaps suggestions on how to get through to her and change the situation?
We aren't pro-divorce - we are pro-keeping 4 year olds safe! And I don't care if it is his mother, his wife, or the guy who delivers the newspaper - his CHILD is being harmed!

Her witty sense of humor, her good cooking, their common interest in old movies - doesn't overshadow abusing his child! I cannot begin to understand how you think otherwise.

And you're right - he clearly came here looking for advice on how to fix this issue. But that was before the last weekend happened. My opinion as I read through the thread was to get the wife into counseling and possibly anti-depressants, and maybe an online infertility support group. But after his post about the last weekend, it is crystal clear that he needs to keep his wife and child apart. The child isn't safe with the wife. And if he stays with the wife but sends the child to her mom's - well, that looks an awful lot like choosing the wife over the child. I'd move out so my child had a safe home with me for the part of the week she was with me.

I was horrified by the stepmom making her sd call her mommy - before I read how much worse it got. Also, why does the stepmom think the bio mom is SO bad? Does she have a leg to stand on there - or just going off the deep end?

OP, what an awful situation. You sound like a really great father and all around good guy. I'm sorry you and your dd are going through this.
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#62 of 110 Old 12-19-2008, 02:05 PM
 
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get.out.NOW!!!!! This woman is emotionally and physically abusing YOUR daughter. There is NOTHING to "work out" at this point. She has crossed the point of no return.

Thank G-d you were there. If she would physically abuse her niece and step-daughter WHILE YOU WERE THERE, I can only imagine what she would do if no one were around.

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#63 of 110 Old 12-24-2008, 03:45 AM
 
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I have not read the other replies and all I can think is save your daughter!!!!!

Dont give up time with her PLEASE DONT Give up any time with her, DONT punish her more.

Maybe you and your wife can find some comom ground after she has had some help but right now she is hurting your daughter she is undermininig your relationship with your daughter forever. You would rather spend less time with your sweet baby than deal with your overbearing wife.

You and your daughter need a break as does your wife, your loyalty is to your daughter who cant fend for herself.
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#64 of 110 Old 12-24-2008, 05:08 PM
 
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I am so sorry you're going through this.

The fact is, though, that people like your wife (abusers) frequently follow this type of behavior pattern. There may be tiny hints or none at all before marriage. Months, sometimes years in stuff begins to come out of the woodwork and before you know it the situation is really, really bad but you feel trapped (length of commitment, financial entrenchment, often children have come into the picture).

I am not pro-divorce; I believe in staying in a marriage in the absence of infidelity (that the partners choose not to resolve), abandonment, abuse, or substance abuse (where the one with the problem absolutely refuses treatment).

But your wife is abusive. Right now, she's beginning to be abusive to your daughter, but as time goes on, she will probably turn on you. Her behavior is so classic and so familiar to me (I grew up in a home with an abusive parent).

Don't let yourself get trapped or feel trapped. It must feel awful to be ready to walk away from a marriage and someone you thought you knew. But she has major, serious problems that YOU CAN'T FIX. Only she can fix them, and at least for now, she has no interest in acknowledging or fixing those problems. You need to protect yourself and your daughter.

This is a horrible situation to be in, but in some ways you're fortunate to understand this now, before a pregnancy or adoption, before you've invested many years of your life.

I am so, so sorry. You have my full and total support in leaving her.

You sound like a really great dad. Do what's best for you and your daughter, and kick your abusive wife out NOW. Don't get trapped. Men can be emotionally abused, manipulated and controlled, too. Don't let it happen to you. {My dh was emotionally abused in a work environment by a female boss for about six months, and it took him a whole YEAR to recover fully and he was truly depressed while working there and for awhile after. It was awful. It is not just men who are abusers and women who are abused!}
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#65 of 110 Old 12-24-2008, 05:28 PM
 
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I think you should seek a divorce. I am sorry for you, but you absolutely owe it to your little girl to keep this woman away from her.

If you choose to stay, and your wife abuses your daughter in secret (she will, do not delude yourself) then you will need to bear responsibility.

Of course you have the option of choosing to stay and not having your daughter around her, but you seem to be a Dad who wants to be with his daughter, so that would not be fair to you or your daughter.

What you described is verbal, emotional, and physical ABUSE. Do not let this continue. If you do, your ex may decide she has to protect your daughter by cutting you out. Will it be worth it?
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#66 of 110 Old 12-24-2008, 08:30 PM
 
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Are you doing okay? I see you haven't posted in a while and I'm hoping that you're okay...
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#67 of 110 Old 12-25-2008, 04:20 PM
 
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I too wonder if there is an update?

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#68 of 110 Old 12-25-2008, 04:29 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Oriole View Post
You do sound like an amazing dad. I think you should put it very plainly to your wife "If you don't change the way you behave with MY daughter, this marriage will not survive."

Repeat until this sinks in. Ask for what does she plan to do about this, and ask her what help does she need from you to work through these issues. There is nothing more you can do, you wife has to be the one to decide that she wants the change as well.

I'm sure you can tell where this is heading if she refuses to recognize the problem.

Hang in there...
I agree. You sound like a great dad. First priority is to your DD and your wife needs to realize that. It sounds like you and your ex have a fantastic parenting relationship with your DD. It's a shame that your wife cannot join in to that, rather than attempting to ruin it. I doubt she realizes that even if you went along with what she wanted, she would STILL not be a replacement mama for your dd.

Good luck!

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#69 of 110 Old 12-26-2008, 02:58 AM
 
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from the child's perspective: she is supposed to call her "mommy," to the person who deliberately inflicts severe pain on her to show, "see what i can do?" my jaw dropped with horror when i read that part. i would think that your child would want you to get out of this situation as well.

speaking practically: the fact that it was only five months of marriage with no children should get you a pretty quick divorce, but she's going to want you to pay somehow. this is where you'll see her turn on you, probably. again, speaking practically: whatever you have to pay to get out, will be money very well spent; an expensive lesson maybe but better than staying around to see what's next.

my heart is heavy for your situation, what you've already experienced, and now because it's going to be tricky to get out smoothly.

but i trust that you know the right thing to do, as evidenced by your courageous actions already taken in protecting your child from further harm. (and the fact that she abandoned her neice in public, running off to cry when you had a fight is also scary. you protected that child, too.)

now, protect yourself.

awaiting your update and praying for your peace!

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#70 of 110 Old 12-26-2008, 11:10 AM
 
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Originally Posted by lucysmom View Post
I first read this thread last night & it has stuck with me. What I keep coming back to is this:

You (OP) told your daughter that your wife would never touch her. Your little girl must have felt so protected, and that you were standing up for her.

Except -- then your wife DID touch her. Pinched her & twisted her side in order to hurt her.

If I were your daughter, I think I would be wondering whether you can and will protect her from harm.
I think that he proved that he could and would protect her when he worked out arrangements immediately afterwards to not have his daughter around his wife any more, while things are worked out. It sounds like the confrontation of that weekend was so out of control that it would even have been difficult to restrain his wife without being blatantly physical and adding more violence to the situation-- basically, if she darts out and pinches the little girl, his options in the heat of the moment are to shove her away or other physical means, which fuels a bad, bad situation. I'm sure that as soon as he got his daughter away from his wife, he kept the wife from touching her again.

To the OP, I don't think you should beat yourself up over this. From everything you've said, you do have your daughter's best interests at heart and are more interested in protecting her than pleasing your wife, which is a BIG thing-- and 4 years old is not too young to remember that.

I know that no one can look at a relationship from the outside and know the true nature of it, but it seems at this point you are going to have serious difficulties for the rest of your life with your current wife, because there seems to be no way you could leave your daughter alone with her, or even have your daughter around her with your supervision. Because you and your ex-wife split time so evenly, this means that you must either cut back on time spent with your daughter-- which would suck, because she will really benefit from your positive influence in her life as she ages-- or arrange it that for half the week, your wife is not around.

You COULD do the latter without divorce, but it would be very, very difficult. It's possible that in time, if your wife seeks and responds to counseling or therapy, that she could be around your daughter under your supervision, but that's something that is uncertain at this point.

I think that you have a pretty clear view of your situation, and a firm commitment to putting your daughter first, so you don't NEED advice. You just need to make a decision on what you can live with, and what you cannot-- which is something that only you know.

Kelly (28), in love with husband Jason (38) and our awesome babies:  Emma 4/09, and Ozzy 8/10

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#71 of 110 Old 12-26-2008, 12:25 PM
 
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I think that this was the worst weekend so far... my wife's niece came to stay with us, so that my girl could have a friend, and so that we could each have a 'team-player' (my wife's words). She barely said a word to my daughter except for fussing, and I asked her to please, give me a chance to correct the behavior before you do, I didn't say this, but the way that she corrects things are hostile... anyway, we went on the streetcar, and my wife's two year old neice (gently) tugged on some woman's hair that was sitting in front of us, playfully, you know how two year olds are, the woman turned around, smiling and said, "who pulled on my hair?" My wife slapped the little girl in the face and said, "are you stupid? what the f*** is wrong with you?" I have never heard her that mean before... we got off at our stop, and my wife grabbed the little girls wrist, holding her to high for her feet to touch, the baby was screaming crying, and my wife was jerking her around and pulled her to the ground... I lost it, I told her that I was telling her brother how she is treating his child, and she told me that he wouldn't care because he isn't a wimp like me, and they believe in teaching their children right from wrong... my daughter was crying because it was so violent, and my wife screamed, in the middle of the neutral ground, "if you don't shut up, your next." at which point, I promise my daughter that my wife would never lay a finger on her... She reached across, and pinched my daughter side and twisted, got right in my daughters face and said, "see what I can do? see what I can do?" I lost it, I told my wife that she is horrible, and that I am glad she can't have kids because they deserve better than her... I asked who was going to take care of her when she's old? That she is going to have no one and that she is killing my love for her. She ran away crying, and left me with both of the kids. When her brother and his girlfriend came to pick up their daughter, I told them the story, and the girlfriend started crying and the brother said that they wouldn't have left their daughter alone with her if I hadn't been there because of her temper... I don't know how I didn't know about this... But I told my ex the whole situation, and she has exams this week, but her mom is going to watch my daughter while she is in school, then we have a month to work things out, and I will just visit my daugher at my ex's house, I feel like my place is too violent for her. My wife is acting like nothing happened, and I am over reacting, she doesn't even seem upset about the awful things that I said to her, and when I apologized, she didn't understand what the big deal was... I am trying to get her to see how important this is, the entire situation, not just this weekend, but she is ignoring it...
Sounds like she may have a personality disorder. I'm sorry if I was with a man and he treated my child that way, I would call the police and report the abuse and kick him out. YOUR KIDS COME FIRST. Do not feel bad for an adult who cannot control themselves. She has the ability and resources to help herself. She is physically and emotionally hurting children.. Sometimes some people SHOULD'NT have children. SORRY if that is harsh, and maybe she can get help and change, but I would not make my child the guinea pig. She has EXTREMELY different parenting views than you. I am currently going through a divorce for similar reasons. ((hugs))
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#72 of 110 Old 12-26-2008, 03:34 PM
 
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Oh Geez! I am so sorry you are dealing with this!!!! I agree with many posters, there is something going on there. I think sometimes if we, as stepmoms, let it, resentment can try to sneak it's way in, but to act on it, or let it in...no way. That is so sad.

You do sound like an amazing dad, and an aware dad. I hope you update soon, I am sad for your daughter.

Can I also just say this, I WISH our biomom was more like your ex-wife! That sounds like my dream stepmom situation, an educated, involved and caring dad (which I have) and a gentle mom who puts her kids first. Wow, what an idea!

We have also dealt with an abusive stepdad and we took them to court...to no avail. Seems that around here no matter what the mom is automatically putting her kids first no matter what her actions show. NOt the case here!

Good luck to you in this situation, It seems easy to say get away from this woman, but we all know it's easier said than done. She does need help, I know that being a stepmom is the hardest thing I have EVER done, but that on top of fertility issues. Not good. I can't imagine.


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#73 of 110 Old 12-26-2008, 07:27 PM
 
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any updates?

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#74 of 110 Old 12-27-2008, 05:41 PM
 
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Your daughter's needs MUST come before those of your wife, as much as I understand your desire to meet the needs of both. The way your wife is behaving is ABSOLUTELY unacceptable. It scares me, as a mother, to think that someone could ever try and intervene in my relationship with my child (hypothetically--I am happily married to the father of my dd.) The way she is behaving must be VERY confusing and scary and hurtful to your young daughter, not to mention terrifying to your ex. If you want to protect your daughter and preserve the (frankly, uniquely amicable and cooperative) relationship you have built with your ex, you MUST make your wife understand that:

1. the decisions that she criticizes your ex for making regarding your dd were decisions that YOU made, too, and that when she attacks your ex's parenting, she is attacking yours, too. Which is totally unacceptable.

2. talking badly about your ex in front of your dd is an ABSOLUTE NO-NO.

3. referring to herself as "mamma" or suggesting that she adopt your dd is also forbidden; dd already has a mamma that she loves and who loves her and anything she does to confuse or frighten your daughter concerning her relationship with her mother will not be tolerated.

4. Talking badly about ex in front of mutual friends is also forbidden. You have obviously worked hard to maintain such a good relationship with your ex, and by insulting her in front of mutual friends, your wife is seriously jeopardizing that relationship--to the detriment of you, your ex, possibly your shared friends, and--most important--your daughter, who will suffer the most if her parents cease to get along.

I hope I don't sound super harsh, I have great sympathy for your position and can see that it is causing you distress. But I do feel strongly that you make it perfectly clear to your wife that she simply can't behave like this. Whether that means therapy (I'm thinking yes) or just a good chat with you or whatever it takes... I'm sure you worry about the stress this will put on your new marriage. But if you tolerate this kind of behavior from her, it seems to me that you've got a lot more to lose.

Good luck to you!

Mama to a beautiful girl since May 2007 and a beautiful boy since August 2010! :
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#75 of 110 Old 12-27-2008, 06:01 PM
 
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Oh! I hadn't read your more recent post, dadtastic, when I wrote the above! So let me just be yet another voice saying, wow, your wife sounds very troubled indeed and your first priority has to be your daughter and her safety--just as you have demonstrated so far. I'm no expert on these things but it sounds as if your wife has some genuine mental health issues--bigger than just normal adjusting-to-step-parenthood. I guess it remains to be seen whether she is capable of changing and healing and being trusted with your daughter--or, indeed, whether she is even willing to--but there is no doubt in my mind that this kind of behavior, if not corrected IMMEDIATELY, is an absolute deal-breaker. You hurt my child? WE ARE DONE.

Do keep us posted and, god, best of luck to you.

Mama to a beautiful girl since May 2007 and a beautiful boy since August 2010! :
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#76 of 110 Old 12-28-2008, 11:01 PM
 
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dadtastic....why did you divorce your first wife?

I think your second wife needs professional counseling and marriage counseling might be wise as well.
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#77 of 110 Old 12-29-2008, 02:07 AM
 
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I was JUST going to say...

What if this was a MOM posting that her NEW HUSBAND was treating HER DAUGHTER this way? I've read enough of these posts on MDC and elsewhere...the mom would be told to ditch the abuser, get a restraining order and get out immediately...ESPECIALLY BECAUSE there are children from a previous relationship involved. NO ONE would be telling HER to stay and 'work it out'. Never. Period. Wouldn't happen. Everyone would be offering DV safety tips and escape plans, and rightly so.

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this is what I was thinking.. and I TOTALLY agree with everything CheekyLilMonkeys posted.

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#78 of 110 Old 01-01-2009, 02:10 PM
 
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She's abusive and explosive. You don't want to adopt children w/her. You don't want to be with her for the rest of your life. Dodge the bullet and get out.

And congrats, BTW on such a communicative relationship w/your ex. Clearly you're a good guy, but this fish you caught sounds more like a barracuda.

Good luck. And I mean it...for gods sake get out of this relationship before it destroys you and your relationship with your daughter.

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#79 of 110 Old 01-01-2009, 03:43 PM
 
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WOW, dadtastic, i am so sorry you are going through this. i just got through the whole thread and i hope you post soon with an update. i hope y'all are hanging in there, you and your dd. i agree about the mental instability. that's really sad for her, but very dangerous for your dd and (if you choose to stay) for your mental health as well. IMO.

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At least you already know a good divorce attorney! I suggest that you contact him or her first thing tomorrow morning!
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Originally Posted by ElliesMomma View Post
speaking practically: the fact that it was only five months of marriage with no children should get you a pretty quick divorce
i'm thinking-- at only 5 months of marriage, it is very possible it could be annulled and avoid the divorce altogether. i almost annulled my marriage at 7 months. my lawyer said it would have been tricky at that late stage, but at 5 months it might could be doable. i wish i *had* annulled it. my ex-dh turned out to be very, very mentally unstable, though thankfully it hadn't gotten to the *physically* abusive stage (the mental/emotional was bad enough), and the divorce was long and messy. but for annulment, you have to act fast, because of the time factor. good luck to you.

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Do not feel bad for an adult who cannot control themselves. She has the ability and resources to help herself.
she actually may not. have the ability and resources, i mean. but nonetheless, that is NOT dadtastic's responsibility. even as legally married spouse. he *can* have her committed, i believe, but i think at this stage of the game it's probably too early to tell for that sort of thing, and it's probably better that he just cut his losses and run.

daddy. heck, you could come here and marry *me*. i bet you're a fantastic dad and husband.

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#80 of 110 Old 01-04-2009, 08:35 PM
 
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ok well my definition of a step mother is someone to ASSIST in raising the kids in the right direction.. NOT TO TAKE OVER.. not to get on a high horse and THINK that its her way or no way... A Step-mom is someone to consider the childs feelings on EVERYTHING and work on it with them, whether it be changing there mindset on situations that are not appropriate, but in a calm and patient way... someone who realizes what place they have in the kids life... and a step parent should NEVER EVER EVER treat their bio child better or any different than their step children.

JUST MY OPINON
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#81 of 110 Old 01-12-2009, 02:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Things have been difficult, very. I can't remember a worse christmas, but I am doing my best. My wife is staying with a friend of hers for now, and no matter what I say to her, she just doesn't understand. I truly believe that she doesn't think anything is wrong. She thinks that I am abandoning her. I just found out that my ex is pregnant, and that is great for my daughter because I never wanted her to be an only child, but my wife is completely distraught. I am so stuck. I read a pm from a woman who really made me wake up and relize what could go wrong, and I knew that I couldn't be complacent, but then we found out about my ex, and my wife is taking it as if my ex did this intentionally to hurt her. I feel her pain, I know how hurt she is about the entire situation, but I don't have the words to fix everything. She wants to see my daughter, but I won't let her, and she is furious at me. I was asked why my ex and I got divorced, and I think a better question would have been, why did we get married... I was lonely and tired of it, so I married my friend. After Katrina, both of us knew how short life could be, and we didn't want to stay married to someone that we didn't love, and weren't romantically compatible with, so we did what we thought was best. I married a woman that I truly do love, but the longer I am with her, the less I feel that she fits appropriately in my family. I know that sounds cruel, but I have a family that needs to be taken care of, and I am so focused on my wife that I think my daughter is suffering. My ex's boyfriend is alright, although I know that they had a casual relationship, and my ex getting pregnant was a huge accident, and I am afraid for my daughter to get too attached to him and have the relationship end in more heartbreak for her. My ex and I talked about it, and she is worried about that too, but I know that he would never hurt her or talk down to her, and I guess that makes me feel like 'the worse' of the two parents, because although she may not be with this man forever, I know that she would not but our girl in a situation like I did. I don't know why I am saying all of this. It is usually so hard for me to talk about how I feel, but right now I have so much going on inside of me and I can't seem to sort it all out.
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#82 of 110 Old 01-12-2009, 03:04 PM
 
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I am so sorry for you. Please make sure that you take care of yourself through all this. Your wife is not going to change. I really think that she is mentally ill. This is just my opinion.

I think that you know what to do in your heart.

Thank God you are keeping your daughter away from your wife. It really frightens me to think what she could do to your daughter. :

Also, I think that it's time for you to STOP worrying about your wife and start worrying about you and your daughter. You can't be a good father to her if you don't take care of your emotional health. Your wife is sick and doesn't sound like she's going to be getting help anytime soon. Please focus your energy on your daughter and your future with your daughter. You will find that your life is much happier once you disengage from your wife's mind games. SHE WILL NOT CHANGE.

I do understand that you love your wife but love isn't enough in this situation. Can you have the marriage annulled? Please get out of this situation ASAP. Protect yourself and your child. This situation is not your fault. You have done nothing wrong and you are not abandoning your wife. SHE IS AN ABUSER. You are not to blame for her actions. She is responsible for herself not you. Saying that your ex got pregnant to spite her is delusional and not normal. Her pain is coming from an unhealthy place and you need to get away from it. Please try to let go of any guilt that you may be feeling. Go back and reread what you've written and try to read it as if a friend had written it. What would you tell your friend?

Don't let this get to the point where your wife is able to wear you down. Please don't make your ex have to protect your daughter from your wife by cutting off your relationship with your daughter. I would do anything to protect my children and I'm willing to bet your ex will as well. Don't put yourself in that position for a woman who is will only bring you hurt and unhappiness.

I am so so sorry.
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#83 of 110 Old 01-12-2009, 04:02 PM
 
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Sounds like you have reached a point where it's clear what you need to do. I would contact a lawyer immediately and see about an annulment or divorce. Good luck; please keep us updated.

The situation with your wife is only going to get worse - all the signs are there, especially her saying she hasn't done anything wrong and turning it around on you that you're "abandoning" her. Get out before you spend years of misery w/her or have a child with her. I'm so sorry the marriage didn't work out - it's not your fault.
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#84 of 110 Old 01-12-2009, 04:56 PM
 
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Dadtastic-
I stumbled apon your thread by accident awhile back and I just can't stop thinking about you and your dd! You sound like you are a truly a wonderful father and your dd is so luckey to have your protection and maturity to put your family first! Be gentel with yourself and remember that it is easy to do the "right" thing in calm waters it is much more difficult to do the right thing in a storm. You are doing what is right for your daughter! I have to say that I agree with pp that your wife is very likely suffering from mental illness and will not change. I must admit though that I am biased as I was abused as a child by an aunt who sonds frighteninly(sp?) like your wife. It started with small things (like pinching, slapping, pushing) and when I would try to get help from another adult she would stand behind them threatening me at some point I stoped tring to get help and the abuse continued to escalate.

Good luck to you and your family in this very difficult time

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#85 of 110 Old 01-12-2009, 10:49 PM
 
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dude, i am *so sorry* about all this for you. i know it can't be easy. and it sounds like letting your feelings out is hard for you, too, but i am glad you are able to get them out somewhere, even if it's online with a bunch of people you don't know

listen: i can't remember the whole thread, so if i'm repeating, please forgive. my suggestions are:
1) get your marriage annulled, while time is still good. go tomorrow, while it's a weekday. pretty soon it will be too late for annulment, and will have to be divorce, which is messy and expensive and much more heart-wrenching.
2) get counseling for your dd and for you. now. maybe together *and* separately. i think it would be very helpful for you to sort this out with a professional. they often have objective (and legal, even) insight that you, or we on MDC, haven't thought of.
3) i agree with pp's that said your wife will only get worse. sad beyond sad, but true. and it is not your fault, and it's not your responsibility. i know you carry a burden of guilt, but that's a feeling, and you can get past that, with help. know what to own and what not to. i had a DH that was severely mentally ill. he was married before me, to someone for 19 years, and she saw bad, but i saw condensed bad. and nobody saw what i saw, because he was a master at manipulating and making people see what he wanted them to see. so everyone thought (and still does, for all i know) that I was the crazy one, and poor pitiful him. it's not the same situation, but i understand mental illness and the ones who think they are just fine thankyouverymuch. they get worse. always.

i really, really hope your situation works out for you and for your dd. you DO sound like a wonderful, caring dad. keep it up, hon. it'll be alright, eventually

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#86 of 110 Old 01-14-2009, 10:33 AM
 
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If your wife truly believes she did nothing wrong, then there's not much you can do. You cannot change her. I think you're gonna have to cut bait.

Lucky wife to DH and mom to DS (10/02) and sweet DD (7/08) and DSD (3/93) and assorted animalia
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#87 of 110 Old 01-14-2009, 12:40 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dadtastic View Post
Things have been difficult, very. I can't remember a worse christmas, but I am doing my best. My wife is staying with a friend of hers for now, and no matter what I say to her, she just doesn't understand. I truly believe that she doesn't think anything is wrong. She thinks that I am abandoning her. I just found out that my ex is pregnant, and that is great for my daughter because I never wanted her to be an only child, but my wife is completely distraught. I am so stuck. I read a pm from a woman who really made me wake up and relize what could go wrong, and I knew that I couldn't be complacent, but then we found out about my ex, and my wife is taking it as if my ex did this intentionally to hurt her. I feel her pain, I know how hurt she is about the entire situation, but I don't have the words to fix everything. She wants to see my daughter, but I won't let her, and she is furious at me. I was asked why my ex and I got divorced, and I think a better question would have been, why did we get married... I was lonely and tired of it, so I married my friend. After Katrina, both of us knew how short life could be, and we didn't want to stay married to someone that we didn't love, and weren't romantically compatible with, so we did what we thought was best. I married a woman that I truly do love, but the longer I am with her, the less I feel that she fits appropriately in my family. I know that sounds cruel, but I have a family that needs to be taken care of, and I am so focused on my wife that I think my daughter is suffering. My ex's boyfriend is alright, although I know that they had a casual relationship, and my ex getting pregnant was a huge accident, and I am afraid for my daughter to get too attached to him and have the relationship end in more heartbreak for her. My ex and I talked about it, and she is worried about that too, but I know that he would never hurt her or talk down to her, and I guess that makes me feel like 'the worse' of the two parents, because although she may not be with this man forever, I know that she would not but our girl in a situation like I did. I don't know why I am saying all of this. It is usually so hard for me to talk about how I feel, but right now I have so much going on inside of me and I can't seem to sort it all out.
: This is a silly question, but have you talked to your daughter about how she feels? 4 year olds should be able to articulate simply what she is feeling. I don't remember if you said you did counseling, but perhaps talking to your wife in front of an impartial 3rd party could be a wake up for her. If she isn't willing to see how serious this is and change, then you all would be better off separate. Easier to say from the outside I am sure.

goorganic.jpgwife to footinmouth.gif, currently WOH and geek.gif on my doctorate. (I'm dissertating!) We: novaxnocirc.giftoddler.gifgd.giffamilybed1.gif  with DS (4/09)!
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#88 of 110 Old 01-28-2009, 08:13 AM
 
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I've been checking in on you, and been wondering what's the latest?

moms222
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#89 of 110 Old 01-28-2009, 02:31 PM
 
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I've been thinking about you and your dd as well.

You are a brave and wonderful father the two of you are in my thoughts!

dust.gifmama to  ds2/03 ds2/05 dd4/07 and expecting someone new in the spring! chicken3.gif

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#90 of 110 Old 01-30-2009, 02:58 PM
 
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I read many of the responses, not all of them, and I think you've received some excellent advice. From your OP, my perception was that you and your wife have very different parenting philosophies i.e. you and your ex believe in AP & GD whereas new wife has a more traditional outlook (eta: traditional in that it's been common for the past 100 years or so). So, at first I was going to suggest the most important thing is for the two of you to see if you can negotiate these differences in parenting styles. While I happen to think that AP & GD is the 'right' way to parent, I still recognize that it's not just instinctual for everyone--some people need to learn how and why to be gentle.

However, the update where you talked about your wife hurting the children and what she said to them while doing it goes beyond different parenting styles. Some people believe spanking is a legitimate way to discipline children, but hitting accompanied by those words is clearly abusive. PPs may be right about your wife having mental illness and needing therapy. Does that mean you, her husband, should abandon her until she 'gets better'? Personally, I don't think so. I think you should stand by her, at least for a while, and help her to get better as your promised to do in your wedding vows. But I do think that her contact with your child should be strictly limited (perhaps not completely cut off, or else that might cause confusion for her and the kid), until you have figured out whether she can learn to at the very least respect the parenting choices you and your ex have made for your child, and also learn about the boundaries of step-parenting...

I just read that you and your wife have separated for the time being. Wishing you the best of luck sorting all this out.
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