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#91 of 110 Old 01-30-2009, 03:44 PM
 
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Dadastic. I am glad you are still around as there is alot of great advice to be had by many of the members here.


My advice is on a take it or leave it on this subject. I have a rule for myself.


You can't change anyone but you. Your wife may not see anything wrong with what she is doing, and she may never see anything wrong with it. Even with counseling.


I would look at the situation with that perspective and do what is best for your daughter. There is no more advice on that, that i can give.


Your ex sounds like an extremely awesome person, I am sure there are very valid reasons for the break up but to have been in a relationship with someone who is so on board with working it out outside of the court system is fantastic.


Your wife may not know what is involved when you involve the courts, I would do everything you could to help her understand how involving the courts is not a positive aspect for ANYONE.... but especially your daughter. when the courts are involved then all your daughter will see is her mommy and daddy are fighting over her. And that doesn't help your wife's status in her mind, especially if she sees your wife as the reason it is happening.



It could very well turn into a power struggle between the two of them and then what happens when your wife realizes that she is getting resentment from her step daughter instead of love?..... It is sad.


I would love for my step son's dad to be in the picture more, but we leave it up to him. Your wife really doesn't get how great it is that a broken home can still function the way you are and kudos to that.



Again, you can't change anyone but you.

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#92 of 110 Old 01-30-2009, 03:49 PM
 
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Originally Posted by amyleigh33 View Post
Does that mean you, her husband, should abandon her until she 'gets better'? Personally, I don't think so. I think you should stand by her, at least for a while, and help her to get better as your promised to do in your wedding vows. But I do think that her contact with your child should be strictly limited (perhaps not completely cut off, or else that might cause confusion for her and the kid), until you have figured out whether she can learn to at the very least respect the parenting choices you and your ex have made for your child, and also learn about the boundaries of step-parenting...
And if she were to get pregnant in the meantime? REALLY? Would you really counsel a woman to stay with her husband if she had just seen him abusing his nephew or step-nephew or step-child? Or would you say, "Get out while you can - you're next!" Seriously, ask yourself those questions. You don't have to respond. Just ask yourself if you would be saying those things if we were talking about a male abuser instead of a female abuser.

Many of us have seen this in action in our own lives. These people resist help, promise many things, and ultimately swing back to the same horrible behavior, which is frequently worse in every new iteration (after a period of "rehabilitation"/restitution). It usually starts with the most vulnerable victim - here, the stepdaughter.

I don't think this is a problem to work out, or work through. I think this is an opportunity to see a glimpse into the future, and to save both the stepchild and any possible future children of the father from abusive treatment - not to mention the father/husband (OP) himself.
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#93 of 110 Old 01-30-2009, 03:52 PM
 
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Your wife really doesn't get how great it is that a broken home can still function the way you are and kudos to that.
pssst - respectfully, you may not realize that the term "broken home" is considered derogatory, an insult, by many single parents (and re-partnered single parents). It implies that there is something wrong - broken - with our families, instead of the more accurate fact merely that a child's biological parents do not both live in the same house with the child. Please use "single-parented family" (or, when another adult has joined the single-parented family, the term "blended flamily") instead of "broken home" in the future, okay? Thanks!

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#94 of 110 Old 01-30-2009, 03:59 PM
 
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pssst - respectfully, you may not realize that the term "broken home" is considered derogatory, an insult, by many single parents (and re-partnered single parents). It implies that there is something wrong - broken - with our families, instead of the more accurate fact merely that a child's biological parents do not both live in the same house with the child. Please use "single-parented family" (or, when another adult has joined the single-parented family, the term "blended flamily") instead of "broken home" in the future, okay? Thanks!
I've used broken home my entire life. I grew up in a broken home. But thanks.

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#95 of 110 Old 01-30-2009, 08:37 PM
 
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Thank you for pointing out how negative 'broken home' sounds, Seasons. I hated it when my mom or dad would use that term around my children. It does sound so negative and defective. Our children have enough going on and they don't need the idea that they come from a bad or damaged place, ...now, back on topic.
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#96 of 110 Old 02-02-2009, 11:08 AM - Thread Starter
 
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my ex just 'informed' me that she is consulting a lawyer about our daughter being kept away from my wife permanantly. she apologized, and then said that I broke my end of the agreement by bringing a 'toxic' person into our daughters life. it just keeps getting worse...
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#97 of 110 Old 02-02-2009, 11:33 AM
 
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my ex just 'informed' me that she is consulting a lawyer about our daughter being kept away from my wife permanantly. she apologized, and then said that I broke my end of the agreement by bringing a 'toxic' person into our daughters life. it just keeps getting worse...
I'm sorry this is stressful for you and that your life is so difficult right now.

If I were your ex, I would do the same thing if my ex-husband's new partner physically abused and threatened my child, as yours did.

Is this impacting your own access to your child, or just your (estranged?) wife's?

I hope you consider counseling. It has been wonderful for me in my life.

Take the time to heal from your marriage before you move on with someone else. Make a list of all the qualities you would like in a new partner and then work on growing that way yourself. ~mandib50
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#98 of 110 Old 02-02-2009, 12:01 PM
 
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my ex just 'informed' me that she is consulting a lawyer about our daughter being kept away from my wife permanantly. she apologized, and then said that I broke my end of the agreement by bringing a 'toxic' person into our daughters life. it just keeps getting worse...
I am sorry you are going through this. I understand your wifes point of view and I think you do too though.


What is going on with your current wife? If your ex brought someone into your daughters life that was exhibiting these behaviors you would want to protect your daughter from him as well.


I would start thinking about protecting your daughter from your wife as well. That doesn't nessesarily mean cutting either one of them out of your life, but it may definately mean not allowing the two lives to intertwine.


Keep us updated, let us know you are doing alright even though I know this time in your life is rocky.

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#99 of 110 Old 02-02-2009, 01:24 PM
 
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Oh dadtastic I am so sorry that your situation is snowballing. As pp have said I can understand where your ex is coming from and I think you do too. It seems like you have been very quick to respond to the abuse and have taken steps to protect your dd. Are you still able to see your dd while not exposing her to DW?

you and your family are in my thoughts!

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#100 of 110 Old 02-02-2009, 06:23 PM
 
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Sounds like your wife is being assaulted by hormonal hell and emotional trauma to boot. As her husband you need to help her get help. Seriously. but as a father you need to seperate your duty to your wife from your duty to your daughter.

Talk with your ex about being patient. Agree to see your daughter without your wife present so that your daughter's trauma can be minimized. I'm sure your ex will agree that it won't be good for your daughter to have her father ripped away from her too!

In the meantime, attend to the two situations separately

Good luck

s
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#101 of 110 Old 02-02-2009, 07:18 PM
 
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my ex just 'informed' me that she is consulting a lawyer about our daughter being kept away from my wife permanantly. she apologized, and then said that I broke my end of the agreement by bringing a 'toxic' person into our daughters life. it just keeps getting worse...
this must seem like such a lot to deal with.

on her behalf, i think your wife is trying to protect your daughter from someone that seems unstable and dangerous.

you and your family is in my thoughts.

eh. who needs a signature?
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#102 of 110 Old 02-03-2009, 01:47 PM
 
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Dadstastic

Your former spouse may be doing more than just protecting your daughter from toxic parenting... she might be trying to protect you as well.

If the situation was reversed, I would hope that you would be taking the same legal, protective actions.

What your wife did was abusive... and if you do not protect your daughter, the authorities will consider you as abusive as well.

I am so very sorry you are dealing with this...It sucks, it is not fair.. but it is happening. Protect yourself and your daughter.
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#103 of 110 Old 02-08-2009, 03:47 PM
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dadtastic, it doesn't matter what's causing your wife's behavior. That's for her to sort out. But you saw a while ago that her behavior was bad for your dd, and you really needed to do something about it then. You didn't, it escalated, and now your ex is doing the right thing by stepping in.

You're going to have to take an active position here. I really think you should leave this woman -- if your description's accurate, then frankly, she sounds like a dangerous nut. Plenty of women have fertility problems and real distress without abusing children or threatening adults. It's possible she's mentally ill, but really, the label does not matter. She doesn't respect your wishes wrt your child, and she's threatened to hurt you physically. Get out. Move out today, start divorce proceedings, and be very careful -- both for your safety and your daughter's. You may need a restraining order, and your ex should probably contact a DV shelter and get advice about how to stay safe, because given the behavior you describe, I wouldn't put it past the woman to come stalking.

And next time be more careful about whom you pick up with.
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#104 of 110 Old 02-09-2009, 03:30 AM
 
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my ex just 'informed' me that she is consulting a lawyer about our daughter being kept away from my wife permanantly. she apologized, and then said that I broke my end of the agreement by bringing a 'toxic' person into our daughters life. it just keeps getting worse...
to look at this philosophically, situations like this do keep getting worse, they have to, because that's what it will take for you to do what you need to make it better.

i'm glad you updated, although i'm sorry to hear that things are worse than ever. i've wondered how you are doing.

do you agree that your wife is "toxic" in your daughter's life?

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#105 of 110 Old 02-15-2009, 01:17 AM
 
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dadtastic, you really need to leave your wife, as hard as it may be. I speak from experience, from your daughter's perspective...

think about what could possibly be the very best case scenario in this situation... your wife gets treatment for whatever mental illness she is dealing with, learns to parent your child respectfully, and essentially reverses everything she believes about raising kids, everything she believes about your ex, and you all start spending holidays together in happy blended family bliss. your daughter deserves nothing less than this, from this situation.

now what is the likelihood of that happening? a much more realistic but still somewhat outwardly positive scenario, if you do choose to stay married to your wife, is that she goes to therapy (and that should be your absolute minimum here...) and gets treatment, she is able to sort of outwardly change her behavior towards your dd, but will all of her negative feelings truly go away, so that your dd feels 100% safe and secure and loved and respected in your home? or will there always be tension at the very least? will there always be flare-ups? as your dd gets older, will she stop wanting to come visit you as much because she doesn't really get along with her step-mom? as she gets older, how will your wife treat her? My mom is married to a man I feel very sorry for, because he is such a miserable wreck, but not only did his attitude affect me my entire life, along with my relationship with my mom, but it is now affecting my mom's relationship with me and my kids -- it's very hard to be in the same house as someone who makes everyone tense and miserable.

If you're ok with only seeing your daughter outside of your home, then by all means, stay married. I can tell you, though, that your daughter will always resent you for choosing your crazy wife over her, and you will drift apart. that is an absolute fact. it's already happening.

I'm incredibly sorry this is happening in your life -- you sound like a really kind and thoughtful person, who loves his child very much. I don't believe you can help your wife get better, the damage between you is already done, and it will only get worse. I think she will actually be better off losing you, because either it will be the wake-up call that she needs and she'll get help, or you and your daughter won't be there for her to abuse -- I just can't see any positive outcome to staying with her, if she won't even acknowledge that she needs help. sorry... please do let us know how you all are doing...

We're Tiffani , Mark , Lucy (9/99) , Dexter (8/01) ,and Zachary Marvin (3/07) and Naomi Rose (6/09), home 11/10, by way of Ugandan adoption.

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#106 of 110 Old 02-15-2009, 01:42 AM
 
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In only 5 months, how much conflict resolution can have occured? I know a lot of people are pro-divorce, but even without bio children, the effects will last years. This isn't his GF, it's his wife. He decided he wanted to marry her, so she must have other qualities that he loves.
I haven't read past this. When a man tells his daughter that nobody is going to hurt her/touch her (don't recall the exact wording) and his "wife" deliberately reaches out and inflicts pain on his daughter, there is way more going on than a simple "conflict" or someone who doesn't know how to interact with children.

Also, I think that saying people are "pro-divorce" is over the top. I've actually been divorced, and I'm not even a little bit pro-divorce. I hate how common divorce has become. However, I have an obligation to protect my children from people who will harm them, and when a parent has to send his child away to protect her from his spouse, the situation is bad.


OP: I think your wife's infertility has had a very negative effect on her mental health. I can understand that. After ds1, I went through years of trying to have another baby, and there were times I hated women who were pregnant by accident or who didn't know if they wanted the baby or not. I can actually remember wishing a particular woman would just drop dead. However, I never acted on that. I didn't go around badmouthing her to her own child...and I certainly didn't start to abuse children over it.

The fact that your BIL also expressed that he wouldn't have left his child with his own sister if you weren't present is very telling about her mental state. This situation is very dangerous for your dd.

Also, this is kind of an odd question, but do you know for a fact that she can't have children? Did she just tell you that, or do you know it? She sounds kind of unstable, and I've seen some really awful dynamics happen when a woman wants a child enough to lie (in various ways) to have one.

ETA: I just read the last couple updates. File for divorce or annulment. Your wife is now emotionally manipulating you. Her reaction to your ex's pregnancy is understandable, to some degree - but not to the point of accusing her (your ex) of doing this deliberately to spite her. Your wife needs therapy, and even with therapy, she has no business being anywhere near your dd. Yes - you made a commitment to your wife, but you made a commitment to your dd first. Get out.

Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
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#107 of 110 Old 02-15-2009, 02:04 AM
 
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Honey. Get out. Now. I was on board w/counseling etc till I read this. She's abusive and explosive. You don't want to adopt children w/her. You don't want to be with her for the rest of your life. Dodge the bullet and get out.

And congrats, BTW on such a communicative relationship w/your ex. Clearly you're a good guy, but this fish you caught sounds more like a barracuda.

Good luck. And I mean it...for gods sake get out of this relationship before it destroys you and your relationship with your daughter.

Bellevuemama


Get out. Your daughter will never get over having to negotiate a relationship with you around this crazy violent person. The brother and girlfriend just told you that they wouldn't have left a kid with her alone unless you were there. Are you going to be in the room every second with your own child. What happens in an emergency when you can't be??? I vote for immediate separation and divorce. Your daughter deserves to have her daddy's partner be a source of love and support in her life, not fear and pain.
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#108 of 110 Old 02-15-2009, 02:19 AM
 
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my ex just 'informed' me that she is consulting a lawyer about our daughter being kept away from my wife permanantly. she apologized, and then said that I broke my end of the agreement by bringing a 'toxic' person into our daughters life. it just keeps getting worse...
Dadtastic, this is what any good mama bear SHOULD be doing in this circumstance. You KNOW your wife is an abuser and you haven't made sure she will be out of your daughter's life permanently. You should take steps tomorrow to get out of this marriage and away from this person. Your child has to come first. At least your ex is taking the steps that must be taken if you won't do it.
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#109 of 110 Old 02-15-2009, 01:16 PM
 
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my ex just 'informed' me that she is consulting a lawyer about our daughter being kept away from my wife permanantly. she apologized, and then said that I broke my end of the agreement by bringing a 'toxic' person into our daughters life. it just keeps getting worse...
You wrote this two weeks ago - any update? I hope your daughter is getting that permanent protection (from your wife) that she clearly deserves, and that you've found peace (hopefully in divorcing her - the wife, that is, NOT your daughter!)

ETA: looks like dadtastic hasn't been back online since he wrote the above bit. So he hasn't read any follow-up comments.

The only thing you owe to others is to behave with integrity.
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#110 of 110 Old 02-15-2009, 01:44 PM
 
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wow. i would be running away as fast as i can. im not pro divorce..im pro children. children should not be ABUSED. for any reason.
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