Do you get an overnight bag? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 22 Old 12-09-2008, 11:38 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Just curious... We only have DSD EOW but have always provided clothes/shoes, hats mittens, etc for her when we have her.

I know this is a very touchy subject, and I hope to not start WWIII here. But just sort of thinking aloud and wondering what other people's arrangments are and thoughts...

We pay a hefty amount in CS... we only have DSD 4 days a month... it seems a bit unfair that we also have to provide clothes and such at our house for these few days when we pay so much in CS...

I'm wondering what will happen in a few years when DSD will likelly care more about clothes and want to not keep clothes at Daddy's and Mommy's, but have access to all her clothes wherever she is....

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#2 of 22 Old 12-09-2008, 11:46 AM
 
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DP and I both have our bio kids every other week, and neither of us pays in cs or receives any cs, so we provide what is essentially "half."

Dp's kids get picked up from their moms and returned in the same outfit. We do not send any clothes if at all possible, and the moms expect their clothes to be worn back by the kids.

As soon as they change into bed clothes we take their outfit, shoes, jacket and all and put it aside for wearing back to mom...well we wash the actual clothing, but not the shoes or jacket unless it is crazy dirty or something.

My kids are 12 and 9 and it's not really an issue for them for whatever reason.
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#3 of 22 Old 12-09-2008, 11:52 AM
 
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our daughter brings her favorite things with her to my house, and then we send a few back, and keep a few, that way things change all the time... my ex shops at goodwill, and my aunt goes to garage sales, and my daughter has a constantly changing wardrobe, very inexpensive, and almost new... My ex's mom went to a thrift store last week, spent twenty dollars and bought twenty things... but we are all really poor and cheap, but it doesn't hurt anyone to re-use things even if they aren't
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#4 of 22 Old 12-09-2008, 12:02 PM
 
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Our custody situation is a little different. SS is with us 40% of the time, every weekend and 1 weeknight.

Early on in our relationship SS's mom sent him with an overnight bag. Eventually as I endeavored to make our home feel more like HIS home, I went out and bought him a bunch of clothes. There was always some issue....she forget to send socks, or he didn't have enough pairs of underwear etc. My DH and my SS both are super forgetful, a few times the overnight bag was forgotten at daycare. So DH talked to his ex and told her she didn't need to send an overnight bag anymore, and asked her if she wanted the same clothes back or if it was ok to let the clothes phase between homes. Luckily, she doesn't mind if he comes in something we bought. I try to buy the same kind of clothes that she does for the most part, and whatever he likes so it doesn't seem to be an issue. We just replace the clothes we have at our house when they become too small.

My understanding of child support is that it is to offset the income disparity of the 2 parents to theoretically equalize the living situations (not that it ends up that way in practice) and that it is still DH's responsibility to provide 40% of the support while he is with us, which includes clothes.

We also pay a large amount of CS for 1 child, over $800 a month. So I feel where you are coming from
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#5 of 22 Old 12-09-2008, 12:32 PM
 
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My bio-children are with us 50% and with my XH 50%. There is no CS and we each provide financially for 1/2 of our daughters' needs: clothes, food, childcare, musical and gymnastics lessons, etc. Each girl has a full bureau of clothing at each house and we do not police what outfits they wear between homes. My girls are 7 1/2 and 9 1/2.

DH and I provide 100% for my stepchildren. We buy all of their clothes, take care of all of their expenses, etc. DSD (11) and DSS (9) spend about 40% of their time with their Mom. When they go to their Mom's house, we give her money so that she can feed them while they're with her. She very literally covers none of her children's expenses. She has a full-time job, but it doesn't pay terribly well and she's used the whole "I can't afford to feed them" excuse as a way to back out of her visitation in the past, so we make concessions by giving her money for food. She won't ask for actual CS because she knows that once it's court mandated, she'll have to start covering some of the kids' expenses.

Okay, I digress.

DSD and DSS pack overnight bags and everything comes back to our house (usually unwashed, but that's my own little gripe ) at the end of their time at their Mom's.

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#6 of 22 Old 12-09-2008, 12:59 PM
 
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We always pack an overnight bag for DS. He has one pack of pajamas that his grandma bought for them that he leaves over there. Just in case he forgets something.

Clothes are important to him.

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#7 of 22 Old 12-09-2008, 01:19 PM
 
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We have clothes at both places, but clothes also travel. We have more income and more time to shop cheap (i.e. rummage sales and thrift stores--most of my own clothes are used so I don't feel bad outfitting my SD in secondhand stuff), so sometimes we'll land a huge cache of clothes (the $5 bag sale at church rummage sales is good for this) and send half of them over to SD's mom's. We also do not police what goes back and forth unless there's a specific reason (i.e. "please send the red dress back next time because there's class pictures").

That said, the "overnight bag" contains whatever SD wants to put in it (usually a toy or two), communications from school/doctor, prescription meds, and things like boots and snowpants and Halloween costumes (that we don't have duplicates).

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#8 of 22 Old 12-09-2008, 02:04 PM
 
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We have mom's house clothes and dad's house clothes in our situation. My DSC's mom has different ideas about clothes to put on the kids so we just buy separate items. There is a bag that comes back with dirty clothes that the kids wore when they left and also a bag that has extra coats, shoes and any medicine that needs to travel back and forth. It's usually pretty clear which pieces of clothes belong to which house so it's not hard to keep them separated. The kids will occasionally ask to take something from our house over to their mom's and she is usually pretty good about sending it back.

We have underwear, socks, shoes, toothbrushes, coats, mittens, gloves, hats, PJs, dresses, belts, tights, etc. all at our house. We pay a lot in child support but the stress in the early days from long sleeve clothes being sent in the summer, or underwear a couple of sizes too small or no socks or whatever was too much so now we just buy what we need for our house. I have become a bargin shopper extraordinaire! Ebay, goodwill and sales are my best friends!

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#9 of 22 Old 12-09-2008, 02:30 PM
 
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We have DSD 50% of the time (technically more than that - her mom gives up a lot of time). We pay CS.

She does not have an overnight bag. A loooooooooong time ago, when DSD just spent weekends with us, she did. Then, when the CS laws in our state changed and DH had to pay less, DSD's mom refused to send clothes in retaliation. Since then, she has had a full wardrobe at both house.

When she arrives, everything gets put together and is given back at swimming lessons or sent back when we drop off her sister (who spends some weekends with us). If she is being picked up at one of her homes and not at school, the receiving parent will often bring a coat, shoes, etc so as not to have to deal with getting things back to the other house.

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#10 of 22 Old 12-09-2008, 07:04 PM
 
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We have clothes at both places
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#11 of 22 Old 12-09-2008, 07:52 PM
 
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we have dsd EOW and one over night a week. We have clothes for her here. I wash the clothes that she wore from her mom's house and send them back (though not always that weekend-just whenever I get to the laundry) and her mom does the same with the clothes she wears to her house. She sent an overnight bag once when she was away for a week, but we sent it back unopened and told her we would provide the clothes. I think it makes dsd feel more like she lives here too, KWIM? She also has her own room/toys/etc. We do ask that her mom send her in a proper winter coat and send snowpants/boots over if appropriate since it is not really worth it to buy that just to wear maybe once or twice. We do have swimsuits, shoes, hat and gloves and such though. We might ask her to send dress shoes this year for x-mas, since again, it's not worth it to wear them once if she already has them. We've rarely had problems with sending stuff back and forth-we are both pretty prompt about it. Dsd does bring a bag back and forth with her special stuffed animals that she sleeps with everynight and sometimes a toy or two plus communciation from school.

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#12 of 22 Old 12-09-2008, 08:37 PM
 
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DSD did have a bag whenever she came over for a weekend when she lived with her mom. She has certain things at our house "just in case", but her favorites were at her mom's, so she always brought things back and forth.

She's spent a few nights at her mom's since she moved in with us last year, and she carried the clothes she wanted over there and back.

We didn't check the bags for years, she's been responsible enough to pack. We never really had any problems at least not over clothes. :

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#13 of 22 Old 12-10-2008, 09:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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We do pretty good on the clothes getting returned from house to house....

Just feeling a little frustrated at the moment because DSD grows out of things so quickly so many of the clothes we have for her here she only has worn once or twice then the season is over and she won't fit into them next season... or we have already had clothes with tags still on them that she didn't get to wear at all because we have so little of the time, and grandparents don't seem to understand she doesn't need 10 outfits. lol

Our biggest problem is shoes... we had to get dress shoes for Christmas, and sandals for the summer which are cheap, so that is okay... but still she grew out of her sandals in the last month of summer but it was miserably hot so I took her to get sandals and she only got to wear them twice before the season ended.

I just feel like we waste a lot of money sometimes, even with shopping deals...

I have wanted to send some clothes with her to her Mom's house before so she could get a chance to wear them more often, but my DH and Mom get upset about it since they are buying the clothes and want to be able to see her enjoy them... I buy her a lot too... and I'd just rather see her get to wear them then they go to "waste" sitting in a drawer 90% of the time...

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#14 of 22 Old 12-10-2008, 11:05 AM
 
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Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
We do pretty good on the clothes getting returned from house to house....

Just feeling a little frustrated at the moment because DSD grows out of things so quickly so many of the clothes we have for her here she only has worn once or twice then the season is over and she won't fit into them next season... or we have already had clothes with tags still on them that she didn't get to wear at all because we have so little of the time, and grandparents don't seem to understand she doesn't need 10 outfits. lol

Our biggest problem is shoes... we had to get dress shoes for Christmas, and sandals for the summer which are cheap, so that is okay... but still she grew out of her sandals in the last month of summer but it was miserably hot so I took her to get sandals and she only got to wear them twice before the season ended.

I just feel like we waste a lot of money sometimes, even with shopping deals...

I have wanted to send some clothes with her to her Mom's house before so she could get a chance to wear them more often, but my DH and Mom get upset about it since they are buying the clothes and want to be able to see her enjoy them... I buy her a lot too... and I'd just rather see her get to wear them then they go to "waste" sitting in a drawer 90% of the time...
One word: EBAY! I have started selling everything that is still serviceble that the kids outgrow on ebay. Even used shoes! Somebody always buys them. Especially the girls' dress shoes that were only worn once or twice. Then I use the money in my paypal account to buy gently worn stuff that will work for the next season. Another hint I can give you, especially since you have a DSD and your next daughter will not be too far apart in age is to find used Hanna Andersson stuff on ebay. It lasts FOREVER! I bought a blue long-sleeve fleecy-type dress for DSD 9 a few years ago and she is on her 3rd winter wearing it. It was a little big on her the first winter but not much and she is still wearing it! It's one of the only things that I will not sell once she outgrows it because of sentimental value.

Also, this isn't something unique to our step situations. You will find that your new daughter will grow so fast that some of the cute outfits that have been given to you will never be worn. It's just what happens. So I say get out your digital camera and start selling!

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#15 of 22 Old 12-10-2008, 11:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Selling on EBay has always been daunting to me. lol I should really look into it. There is a consignement shop here too that maybe I should check into. I got some great things there for both DSD and DD already.

Some of the never worn things have been packed away for DD in the future... but some we end up tossing cause DSD can wear her clothes hard, even if just once and manages to stain them up pretty good in the blink of an eye. lol

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#16 of 22 Old 12-10-2008, 11:52 AM
 
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Dss spend two nights a week at their mom's. She pays dh child support.

We've never sent an overnight bag. She keeps some outfits at her house, and we make sure to send boots/mittens or whatever 'special' things she might not have on hand. The boys come back on Sunday in different clothes, so everything changes hands constantly.
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#17 of 22 Old 12-10-2008, 12:27 PM
 
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Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
Selling on EBay has always been daunting to me. lol I should really look into it. There is a consignement shop here too that maybe I should check into. I got some great things there for both DSD and DD already.

Some of the never worn things have been packed away for DD in the future... but some we end up tossing cause DSD can wear her clothes hard, even if just once and manages to stain them up pretty good in the blink of an eye. lol
PM me if you want and I can give you some tips...kids clothes sell like crazy, especially if you have stuff from easily recognizable stores like Gap, Old Navy, etc.

Another cool thing that I just discovered, you can use your Paypal account at other online retailers. I had money sitting in my paypal account from selling clothes and I just bought two christmas presents from TRU online! Awesome! Sorry to sound like such a commercial but I'm so excited about this!

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#18 of 22 Old 12-10-2008, 09:47 PM
 
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DSD brings a bag with her. Everything goes back to her mother's. We pay a lot in CS and don't have 50/50...yet. We do buy her special things on occasion when we need her to have something specific, and that goes to her mother's house, too. If custody were 50/50, I would have clothes of her own here. What we do provide all of her own things for here is personal hygeine items like toothbrushes, deodorant, face wash, etc.

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#19 of 22 Old 12-10-2008, 09:49 PM
 
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We have to have a full wardrobe here, DSD's mom won't send clothes to us unless we specifically ask for them. And even then we hear stuff like, "My mom says YOU should buy me a raincoat if you want me to have one here." Which is pretty ridiculous when we KNOW she has a goretex jacket and we only see DSD once every couple of months.

DSD goes back to her mom's in the clothes she came in. Otherwise our stuff disappears - even if it's brand new her mom takes it to Goodwill. "accidentally" of course.

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#20 of 22 Old 12-11-2008, 12:34 AM
 
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I think it may get easier when she's older. My DSD is with us 40% of the time. We pay CS (about $450/month), and her mom is responsible for buying all of her clothes. We only buy occasional things -- usually "fun" stuff just now and again... and often second-hand! DSD has enough clothes at both houses to keep her happy. Toiletries, etc. she has at both houses so she doesn't have to "pack." It works out well b/c she has a pretty seamless transition from house to house without feeling like she's packing up and moving out every time we switch. She chooses what to wear when and doesn't have any trouble with what's here vs. there. Neither DH/I nor her mom worry about what clothes are where, and it's not really a problem. The only exception is over long holiday breaks or vacation time with us when she usually needs to pack a bit more to bring from mom's to our place. Same with end and beginning of seasons. She takes what doesn't fit anymore back to bio-mom, who gives it to a friend with a younger daughter. She brings "extras" over at the beginning of a season when they've just done back-to-school shopping, for example.

Hope it gets easier....

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#21 of 22 Old 12-11-2008, 10:22 PM
 
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We provide all of my step-daughter's clothes during my husband's custodial time (which is about 1/3 of the time, and we do pay child support). When she is here, we set aside the clothes she came in (so we remember what they were) and that is what she wears when she travels to mom's. When my husband goes there to visit (for those who aren't familiar, we live 3000 miles away from her mom, but my husband sees her every month in the state where her mom lives and she is with us here for all her school breaks), he packs a bag of her clothes and brings them. If she has outgrown things, he shops while he has her with him. We buy things a little on the bigger side so they will last longer (honestly, we do it for all the kids), and we are generally very thoughtful about what and how much we are buying to maximize the use we get out of it. We are well-stocked with summer clothes because she is here for the whole summer.

We have plenty of younger siblings for her hand-me-downs to go to, so we don't mind that things don't get worn out before they are outgrown!

Even when we had 50/50 custody while we were living in the same city, we quickly established the routine of setting asside the clothes from mom's and sending her to mom's in those clothes. It saved a lot of headache and arguing because it mattered to mom that the clothes from her house came back, but she wasn't particularly good at first about getting things back to us.

When we first switched to this current arrangement, she did ask if my husband wanted her to pack an overnight bag for the weekend, but we preferred to provide it all ourselves. It's kind of fun for my step-daughter to have "special" clothes that she only gets every once in a while, and since she is growing fast there is often something new in his bag for her, which she enjoys.

There are some things we have to provide because we live in a much different climate than her mother... her mom lives in southern CA and there is no reason for her to buy wool sweaters and snow boots.

I imagine that when she gets older there might be a favorite tshirt or a pair of shoes she just got that she wants to bring here or take there. At that point I can't imagine acting possessive over clothes-- it's not really who I am and not the message I want to send to any of my kids.

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#22 of 22 Old 12-12-2008, 06:32 PM
 
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It's funny that you ask. A lot of times when my two stepsons come over, they have only the clothes on their backs. I stopped buying clothes for them at our house a long time ago, because quite frankly, everything migrated to their mother's house and never came back. I really don't know how this always happened!

When they got old enough, we made it clear to them, that if they wanted clothes to wear over the weekend, then they had better bring them over from their mom's house. That being said, we do take them shopping for shoes sometimes or other items that they say that they need. It's kind of cool for dad to take them shopping for that special item sometimes. We've also kicked down money to help out with school shopping and such, kind of on a touch and go basis. Of course, if I am out "bargain shopping" and I see something really neat for either one of them, then I pick it up.

The funniest thing is that now that my stepson is 16 and does his own laundry, sometimes on the weekends that he comes over, he brings his dirty clothes hamper, so that he can do laundry at our house!!! I was really tickled when I got to show him how our washer & dryer work!

Times are a changin.
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