Meeting your childs new step-parent.. UPDATE #26... We met!!!! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 33 Old 12-10-2008, 09:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm cross posting this just so I get both views from both sides.....

DD's dad is getting married and ex is finally 'allowing' us to meet. They've been together for 3 years off and on and he hasn't let me meet her yet. Obviously DD knows her and really seems to like her so i'm very optimistic about this. Since they recently got engaged, she asked to meet me and i guess since she inquired about meeting me- it's a go.

I'm so scared, and i'm so sad that I have to meet her, but I really want to make this a really nice meeting, but I still want to be able to ask her honest questions. Deep down I'm so afraid i'm going to cry infront of her. Ex and I have carried on a friends with benefits arrangement for the past several years (even prior to them starting to date), she's aware, but i'm still very much in the grieving process unfortuantely. I really didn't think he'd get married and I didn't think our arrangment would ever end.

What questions would you ask? What questions are just an absolute no? Obviously I know it's not going to be a grill the new step mom session and I don't want it to be, but i want to make us both as comfortable as possible but still being able to be open and honest with each other.
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#2 of 33 Old 12-10-2008, 10:11 PM
 
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I would let go of expectations, and hope for the best. I think you are in a difficult situation because you are still emotionally involved.

You have the best thing going for you - the child likes her, and that says something.

Just remember one thing - she is probably just as worried and nervous about meeting you. *more hugs* It will be okay. Don't bombard her with questions, I think going slow would be better.

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#3 of 33 Old 12-10-2008, 10:19 PM
 
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I don't know why meeting her has to be on his terms. If you're not ready, just say so. You can do these things on your own terms. He's had plenty of time to get used to the idea, so give yourself as much time as you need.


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#4 of 33 Old 12-10-2008, 10:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I really do want to go slow, but on the other hand, i'm afraid that this will be our only chance to meet. KWIM?

Obviously I want to meet her just to get a "feel" for her. She has a 1 year old child from a previous relationship (DD's dad and her were on one year, off the year she had the baby, and obviously on this year) too so I'm hoping that at least we're both under the same understanding that this is just only about DD and we all need to work together to make this as smooth of a transition as possible.

Would it be appropriate to have a continuous relationship with her? Or is meeting the future step mom a one time thing? Obviously I don't want to be her BFF by any means, but I would really like to stay civil and have that open line of communication.
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#5 of 33 Old 12-10-2008, 10:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't know why meeting her has to be on his terms. If you're not ready, just say so. You can do these things on your own terms. He's had plenty of time to get used to the idea, so give yourself as much time as you need.


Lisa
Oh no, i've wanted to meet her since 2005 when they first started dating. he just wouldn't allow us to meet in fear of me telling her about or continued sexual relationship. LOL finding out about that kind of kills the trust factor.
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#6 of 33 Old 12-10-2008, 10:44 PM
 
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I don't think I have to ask why you got divorced. I think I'd keep my distance from her. You don't want to hear about the problems in their marraige. If you get too friendly, you might be getting teary calls from her about how to handle his "issues." If you wanted him, I'm sure you could have him. You don't.

As for becoming comfortable meeting her, just be yourself and be your daughter's mother. Don't wear your best outfit, wear something comfortable. You want to be comfortable in your own skin and be "real." Try not to think of it as your ex's new future wife. You've already got something in common...children! Maybe if you concentrate on her as a mother to her son, you can feel more comfortable with her.

What will be the setting for the meeting? Maybe you can make sure it's a meeting with a definite starting and ending time in a neutral place.

Good luck.

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#7 of 33 Old 12-10-2008, 10:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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If you wanted him, I'm sure you could have him. You don't.
We were never married. We were 16 and 17 when we had DD. It just really didn't work between us. No dissolution, just growing up and growing apart unfortunately. And no, I couldn't have him back- he doesn't feel that way for me anymore. Our relationship has been purely physical unfortunately.


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What will be the setting for the meeting? Maybe you can make sure it's a meeting with a definite starting and ending time in a neutral place.
Good luck.
I really don't know, all i know is that ex wants to come as well. I really don't want him to be there. It's going to be awkward enough as it is, just adding him to the mix makes it even more nerve wracking. I don't think i could be myself and really make a good first impression if he was there. I'd be so worried that he'd make fun of me behind my back.
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#8 of 33 Old 12-11-2008, 12:42 AM
 
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From what you've mentioned about your ex keeping you from meeting with you, I can see how having him there might make you more ackward, but it will probably make her more comfortable. I wonder if there's a way you could sort of wander off together to chit chat as moms.

You mentioned in your other thread that you want to know how she'll parent your dd, how she'll treat her. I think that's something that you'll just have to find out as time goes on, and it might change and develop as she becomes more involved in your dd's life. You can definately get an idea of her parenting style, though. You could even bring up something your dd did that made you upset, and see how she responds. If she says she would have spanked her daughter over that, you'll definately want to talk with your ex!

I've totally posted in your other thread, and I'm sorry - I'll keep my comments here where I belong
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#9 of 33 Old 12-11-2008, 01:58 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for all the responses. i really do appreciate them.

I guess i'm just worried about how DD is going to get treated b/c she is mine... and how her son is going to be treated b/c he'll be there all the time. I know obviously she can't answer that because she's not in that situation, but from what he says- she wants ex to treat her child just as her own. Dicipline, etc. But he has a very hard time with letting her dicipline DD. Just really weird stuff like that. I don't know what's appropriate and I don't know what the norm is because I really never thought this would happen.

I just don't know, i'm so scared and so sad and just... i feel like such a failure. I didn't want this to happen. I don't want DD to have a step mom. I hate change so much. I think deep down i'm so scared that DD is going to like her more than she likes me. Which is so irrational and not true, but it's just what i'm so scared of. It's like I want them to get along, but not that well. That's so horrible to say

I'm going to try to be as nice as possible, i really am, but i'm having such a hard time with this.
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#10 of 33 Old 12-11-2008, 06:27 AM
 
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My guess is that she already has an inkling that the two of you have shared more than parenting duties over the last few years because your ex has been acting so suspiciously. Just be nice, normal, not a psychopath and don't boil any bunnies in front of her. You'll be fine. I don't see the point in asking any questions at this point- just play it by ear, y'know?

Oh, and I know it goes without saying, but there will be someone special out there for you too Happy ever after isn't just in fairy tales.

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#11 of 33 Old 12-11-2008, 09:16 AM
 
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I have to be honest, if DSD's mom had been peppering me with parenting questions at the time I met her, I would have had no clue how to answer them. However, I met DSD, DSD's mom and DH's mom all in one weekend. I don't know what he was thinking.

I would stay away from giving her a pop quiz and just chat. Ask about neutral things. What does she do for a living? Are they planning a wedding? How do the kids seem to get along? I think that it is more important to get a feel for her than to drill her with questions. The more friendly and approachable you are to her, the more you'll probably interact with her.

I mean this in the gentlest way possible, but try not to cry in front of her. If you really think that this is a possibility, I would hold off on the meeting. When DH told DSD's mom that we thought that we might be having a baby the first time (DH is not good about waiting on things like that), she started crying. I wasn't even there but it weirded me out and made me suspicious of her motives for a good year. Everything that she did I saw through the lense of a woman wanting her ex back and trying to sabotage our new family. So try to keep your feelings for your ex in check. I don't think that she ever knew this about me, but who knows how this woman could respond to those feelings.

Good luck. Also, remember that no matter what, she will never, ever replace you. Never, ever. You are the mom. Stepmom is a completely different thing in a child's mind.

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#12 of 33 Old 12-11-2008, 01:26 PM
 
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I have to be honest, if DSD's mom had been peppering me with parenting questions at the time I met her, I would have had no clue how to answer them. However, I met DSD, DSD's mom and DH's mom all in one weekend. I don't know what he was thinking.

I would stay away from giving her a pop quiz and just chat. Ask about neutral things. What does she do for a living? Are they planning a wedding? How do the kids seem to get along? I think that it is more important to get a feel for her than to drill her with questions. The more friendly and approachable you are to her, the more you'll probably interact with her.

I mean this in the gentlest way possible, but try not to cry in front of her. If you really think that this is a possibility, I would hold off on the meeting. When DH told DSD's mom that we thought that we might be having a baby the first time (DH is not good about waiting on things like that), she started crying. I wasn't even there but it weirded me out and made me suspicious of her motives for a good year. Everything that she did I saw through the lense of a woman wanting her ex back and trying to sabotage our new family. So try to keep your feelings for your ex in check. I don't think that she ever knew this about me, but who knows how this woman could respond to those feelings.

Good luck. Also, remember that no matter what, she will never, ever replace you. Never, ever. You are the mom. Stepmom is a completely different thing in a child's mind.

I agree with everything Pink said. *nods* Definitely keep the convo relaxed and open... I would stay away from asking any parenting questions on a first meeting, because it would definitely get her guard up I think and make things awkward. If you are warm and open it could really help with building a relationship in the future between the two of you.

I think it is healthy for the children that you have some form of communication for the future... not just a one time meeting. Perhaps exchange email addresses? That way if she does turn out to send you any uncomfortable questions or something, it's easier to ignore an email than a phone conversation. Or if she sends anything crazy you have it documented. I'm definitely a fan of paper trails.

I know the first time I was meeting DSD's Mom I was sooo anxious... the butterflies in my stomach were awful! And she wouldn't even look at me, didn't really acknowledge my prescence for months actually... If she would have been more open, it likely would have helped how I feel about her now... for the most part we are amicable... but it's hard to shake off the coldness of the first few months.

Good Luck to you!

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#13 of 33 Old 12-11-2008, 04:38 PM
 
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There is no way that your dd will love her stepmom like she loves you. Never. She may like her as a friend, even love her. But no one can ever, ever take your place.

If you have any concerns about the discipline, talk to your ex if you're able to, and he can deal with it on his end. I'm a firm believer in leaving the parents to discuss most things. Otherwise it can get really uncomfortable. I can only imagine what it would be like to have to entrust your daughter to someone you don't know. She's a mama, though, so hopefully she'll treat your daughter with love and respect.
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#14 of 33 Old 12-12-2008, 02:57 PM
 
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I agree with keeping it to broad chit-chat rather than having it be like an interview. Asking how the kids get along sounds fine, "what is your discipline philosophy?" isn't.

If you're worried about letting your emotions show, I'd suggest meeting somewhere neutral and public, but not too busy. Say a busy but not crazy coffee shop where you can sit down - if you know there are people around going about their daily life who will nonetheless notice if you flip out, it may both normalize it and keep you in check a bit. A half hour should be more than adequate.
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#15 of 33 Old 12-12-2008, 03:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I agree with keeping it to broad chit-chat rather than having it be like an interview. Asking how the kids get along sounds fine, "what is your discipline philosophy?" isn't.
Really? Why can't I ask that stuff? Obviously i'm sooo not going to grill her but I really want to know stuff like- is she planning on driving my DD around to places? (I have a weird thing with people driving my kid around- i hate that ex drives her around LOL) What kind of role does she plan on having in DD's life- are we talking like limited to his parenting days or is she planning on coming to DD parent teacher conferences KWIM? How are they planning on blending 4 families together? (obviously she's not going to know specifics, but on the other hand shouldn't she have some concerns and would be willing to voice them?) I just basically want to know if they're both ready for that commitment. If she wants to be involved in DD's life- that's fine and I"m more than willing to eventually accept her. But i'm so worried that in the back of my mind, she's going to disappear again. To see DD go through all that hurt again. I feel like I really got stuck answering these really tough questions about it. Ex never explained to her what happened, so i got to deal with it and i'm still very resentful that I had to explain to my 4 year old why daddys relationship didn't work out KWIM?

I guess ex is expecting this to be like a one time, clear the air, get on with it, and leave us alone type of meeting. Obviously I'm not going to try to be her best friend, but on the other hand- I think he wants a one meeting only type of deal. No exchanging of numbers, no future communication- nothing. I want some questions answered. I'm afraid if i keep it light and simple- i won't get the answers i'm looking for. Then again he warned me on the phone a few days ago to not go into this expecting to be satisfied. He's already told me that no matter what, no matter how well we get along- i'll never be satisfied with what she says. Is that true? Am I expecting too much? Gah! I've never done this before and i just don't know what to expect.

Our lunch is on for Tuesday. I told him how uncomfortable it is going to be if he shows up, given our twisted history. He agreed, but then in the back of my mind- I know that Tuesday is his day off and he obviously scheduled the meeting. He said that he needed to know a time frame so that she can tell the sitter for her child how late she's going to be. I said an hour. that seems adequate right?
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#16 of 33 Old 12-12-2008, 03:15 PM
 
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Yeah you probably will not ever be satisfied with what she says.

And as for driving your DD around, um yeah she probably will at some point. You have to let that kind of thing be! It's gonna sound outrageous to do some big quizzing about future plans, they are probably figuring out their family as they go and she is not gonna have all the answers.

OTOH your ex has no business telling you two that you cannot ever communicate again. Would be great if you could both tell him to stuff it on that one.
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#17 of 33 Old 12-12-2008, 06:09 PM
 
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Really? Why can't I ask that stuff? Obviously i'm sooo not going to grill her but I really want to know stuff like- is she planning on driving my DD around to places? (I have a weird thing with people driving my kid around- i hate that ex drives her around LOL) What kind of role does she plan on having in DD's life- are we talking like limited to his parenting days or is she planning on coming to DD parent teacher conferences KWIM? How are they planning on blending 4 families together? (obviously she's not going to know specifics, but on the other hand shouldn't she have some concerns and would be willing to voice them?) I just basically want to know if they're both ready for that commitment. If she wants to be involved in DD's life- that's fine and I"m more than willing to eventually accept her. But i'm so worried that in the back of my mind, she's going to disappear again. To see DD go through all that hurt again. I feel like I really got stuck answering these really tough questions about it. Ex never explained to her what happened, so i got to deal with it and i'm still very resentful that I had to explain to my 4 year old why daddys relationship didn't work out KWIM?

I guess ex is expecting this to be like a one time, clear the air, get on with it, and leave us alone type of meeting. Obviously I'm not going to try to be her best friend, but on the other hand- I think he wants a one meeting only type of deal. No exchanging of numbers, no future communication- nothing. I want some questions answered. I'm afraid if i keep it light and simple- i won't get the answers i'm looking for. Then again he warned me on the phone a few days ago to not go into this expecting to be satisfied. He's already told me that no matter what, no matter how well we get along- i'll never be satisfied with what she says. Is that true? Am I expecting too much? Gah! I've never done this before and i just don't know what to expect.

Our lunch is on for Tuesday. I told him how uncomfortable it is going to be if he shows up, given our twisted history. He agreed, but then in the back of my mind- I know that Tuesday is his day off and he obviously scheduled the meeting. He said that he needed to know a time frame so that she can tell the sitter for her child how late she's going to be. I said an hour. that seems adequate right?
Well, I agree with you that a 'one-time-clear-the-air' thing is not realistic. The fact is that as things currently stand you're all going to be involved in your daughter's life for a long time, so having an ongoing low-key ability to communicate is valuable. It won't be instantaneous, but it's good to work on starting it.

So far as the types of questions you're thinking of asking, the problem is that they're all 'interview' style questions, as though you have a job to offer her. But the fact is, she's there. If she answered the questions wrong, you couldn't say "get lost, you're not hired as my daughter's step-mom," and if she got them right, you couldn't hire her. And they run the risk of making her feel like you are out to hire or fire her...which isn't a great start. If she's planning on being there for the long run, you have a while to get a feel for these things without giving her the third degree. I'd say just try to keep it light and non-threatening this round, and don't pay too much attention to your ex's characterization of this as a one-time, then no more communcation ever event. I'm presuming he doesn't own either of you!
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#18 of 33 Old 12-12-2008, 10:03 PM
 
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These are issues you should be discussing with your ex, not the future stepmom. It's HIS child and it's his responsibility to figure out the stepmom's role and how they will handle discipline, transportation, etc. Ideally, that will happen with your input...

I do think it's totally within reason for you to express the fact that you are worried about people coming in an out of your daughter's life.. although questioning whether she is committed, when marriage is on the agenda, might come off badly. I also think that giving her your number/email address is fine.

Is she still unaware of the FWB relationship? Are you tempted to tell her?

I know there isn't really time now, but I'd suggest reading some books on blending families. Mom's House, Dad's House and Ex Etiquette for Parents are both pretty good... but really I think all the books are about the same and will give you a basis for how to approach this new family setup.

This Article might help, in the meantime.

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#19 of 33 Old 12-12-2008, 10:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Is she still unaware of the FWB relationship? Are you tempted to tell her?
She's already aware. She knows about it however, i don't think he was honest about the time frame and the ending of it. We had sex this month. He said that she confronted him about it in September and it hasn't been brought up since. Obviously she has no idea about our most recent... arrangement.

And do i want to? Heck yeah. I want to know what a giant moron she is for getting involed with a guy who is still sleeping with the mother of his child. I want her to know that he's very sneaky. I want her to know that he lies to her all the time, i want her to know that when she calls- i'm right there next to him and she has no idea. I want her to know that she is getting into a mess that can turn jerry spingerish in a second.

Will I? Abbbssooluuteellyyy not. I don't want to touch that mess. It's over from my viewpoint. As much as I really liked our arrangements, i've already got a very guilty conscious of still allowing this to happen (even though i had no idea about her) I know that in her eyes, it's all my fault, and the only one who is going to be negatively affected is DD and thats the last thing I ever want to do. So i'll just keep my dirty secret to myself. She'll figure it out in her own time- and if she doesn't, that's even better!

However at our meeting- i do plan on clearing the air. I plan on apologizing for continuing the relationship and i"m going to ask her to please just give me some time. It's like our whole lives were turned upside down in a week. To me, this came totally out of left field. I'm ready and willing to have her in DD's life, but just to please give me some time to really come to terms with everything and accept her as my childs step mom.

Although, I just learned last night that shes in school to be a nurse. I seriously wanted to reach through the phone and strangle ex. I'm a freaking nurse! Just a total slap in the face that he'd pick another nurse to be with. Seems really silly, but could you pick someone NOT like me? *sigh* at least it's a bonding point. Like i said, not trying to be friends with her, just want to find some civil common ground to establish a civil relationship
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#20 of 33 Old 12-13-2008, 01:12 AM
 
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I think the issues you need to deal with are not with your ex's fiancee but with your ex. For the sake of your daughter, I think you need to immediately establish a co-parenting only/non-sexual/non-emotionally involved relationship with him. I know it's easier said than done but otherwise it seems like you're setting up a lot of emotional drama between adults that will inevitably create real fallout for your daughter. If your ex was with you while with his fiancee this recently, then this relationship may or may not work out. I wouldn't grill her about her committment to the relationship or parenting issues. All you can really focus on and control is trying to create a secure relationship of your daughter to you and her dad. I'd keep the convo with the fiancee light and focused on how much you want to be able to work together for the best interest of the children and how that's your number 1 priority.
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#21 of 33 Old 12-13-2008, 09:17 AM
 
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She's already aware. She knows about it however, i don't think he was honest about the time frame and the ending of it. We had sex this month. He said that she confronted him about it in September and it hasn't been brought up since. Obviously she has no idea about our most recent... arrangement.
Well, no wonder he doesn't want the two of you talking. He probably thinks that he can convince you to still be on the side while he is engaged to her.

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#22 of 33 Old 12-13-2008, 12:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, no wonder he doesn't want the two of you talking. He probably thinks that he can convince you to still be on the side while he is engaged to her.
Oh it's over. I'm done. I can't believe he did that to me. I"m not just some one night stand, i'm the mother of his child and he didn't even have the decency to tell me "ohhh btw, were back together soooo the sex has to stop" Noopppee. He wanted to see how long he could have his cake and eat it too.

thank you so much for your advice, i really am going to change my approach and just really apologize to her, clear the air regarding ex and I, and really emphasize that i really want to be able to just get along for the sake of DD.
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#23 of 33 Old 12-13-2008, 01:29 PM
 
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I think the issues you need to deal with are not with your ex's fiancee but with your ex. For the sake of your daughter, I think you need to immediately establish a co-parenting only/non-sexual/non-emotionally involved relationship with him. I know it's easier said than done but otherwise it seems like you're setting up a lot of emotional drama between adults that will inevitably create real fallout for your daughter. If your ex was with you while with his fiancee this recently, then this relationship may or may not work out. I wouldn't grill her about her committment to the relationship or parenting issues. All you can really focus on and control is trying to create a secure relationship of your daughter to you and her dad. I'd keep the convo with the fiancee light and focused on how much you want to be able to work together for the best interest of the children and how that's your number 1 priority.
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I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#24 of 33 Old 12-16-2008, 12:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm so nervous. Were supposed to meet for lunch in 3.5 hours. I almost backed out last night. I told ex, and then I changed my mind. He asked why and I told him that I know i'll regret it if I don't meet her.

Then last night at 10, ex calls me just freaking out. He's so afraid i'm going to tell her about the cheating. He doesn't trust me. I'm arrogant and selfish. I ruined his whole life, why would I stop now. He's was crying and angry and it was just horrible. Ex and I have so many unresolved issues, and here I am trying to meet his future wife and establish a good relationsihp. He doesn't understand why I want to meet her. He said that my trust for him at picking a future spouse should be good enough and I shouldn't ever have to meet her. But I don't just want to be a normal 'step' family. I want this to work out. I want us to get along. I want her to be involved, because DD wants her involved. I just want to clear the air, extend the olive branch, and start off on a good foot.

I just don't know what to do anymore except... :Puke
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#25 of 33 Old 12-16-2008, 01:20 PM
 
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If he's been upfront with her and told her about the cheating, then he shouldn't be worried. Of course, I don't think he was as candid as he led you to believe. To me, this situation is all kinds of broken.

As a step mom, who wanted to meet the mom for a long time (she declined the opportunities) be gentle. How I would have said I parent vs. how I help with the parenting in reality is vastly different, because as situations presented themselves, I adapted accordingly.

Good luck, I don't envy you.

Oh, and just remember, we're not all out to replace moms Think of it as extra love for your child
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#26 of 33 Old 12-16-2008, 02:13 PM
 
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Oh wow hun. You seem like a real sweetie, so I really hope you don't mind me being perfectly honest with you - you've been very descriptive and told the situation in a fair amount of detail and it seems very crystal clear what's happening here.

This situation, and the way he is acting is RIDICULOUS! He actually expects to have a wife, who will act as a stepmother to your child with him, and have you never be in touch with her? That's utterly nuts! Totally nuts. Whenever we enter into relationships with people who already have children, I believe, at the very least, it's our responsibility as adults to get along with the third parent in the situation. No matter what you think, this new lady is going to have a hand in raising your child - you very much deserve to have a relationship of some kind with her. I mean, what if she needs to call you for the sake of your DD? He cannot possibly expect that she'll never be talking to you - it's just impossible!

Now as for his relationship with her - you have every right to feel worried. I would feel terribly worried if I were in your shoes, and he's marrying someone he's clearly just lying to. Either she's going to turn into a passive partner, allowing her husband to sleep with whomever he chooses (terribly emotionally damaging to say the least), or she's going to eventually see the light and throw him out on his hiney. Those are the two most likely scenarios in my eyes - I've been on the woman-end of both and I've done both.

You do sound like a lovely lady - you really do deserve better than this from a man. He is behaving awfully. Here is my opinion (from experience - only mine, mind): He doesn't want you to meet without him there because if he's not there, he can't monitor the conversation between you. He's been lying and lying to his girlfriend about you, and he doesn't want anything getting out - he's worried she'd going to ask you questions he doesn't want you answering. It's nothing to do with her being comfortable - that I guarantee you - it's to shut her up, and shut you up. He has to think this is the only meeting because he has not been honest with her, and he knows that at some point, were you to continue the relationship, she'd find out.

He's likely marrying her because she found out about his cheating, and he wants to keep her around by making the "ultimate commitment" which really isn't the ultimate commitment because I reckon he'll probably try to keep sleeping with you as well. He's making a mockery of marriage.

You deserve better than this - you also deserve better than to keep going with him - you deserve a man who is faithful - someone without another girlfriend and someone who's going to treat you well and underline your self esteem, not destroy it.

Anyhow there we go - I rarely sugar-coat anything! By all means meet her but I would be ever so cautious about this new relationship for him - I'd expect a lot of drama around the corner... Now, today, I'd just be polite and be aware that this is the beginning of what could be a very interesting relationship with her.

And please, don't have him stay with you again - you're worth so much more than that. There we go - that's my two cents *HUGS* to you. XXX

Mama to Josie , lost 10/10/08 at 37.4 weeks .
and my rainbow baby, Isobella Mai ...born 1/12/2010 ! in profile...
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#27 of 33 Old 12-17-2008, 12:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Let me first just say that we met, I was so nervous. I wanted to turn around and go home, but i'm SOOOOO glad I met her. She is absolutely wonderful : I truly believe that ex doesn't deserve to be engaged to such a great girl. We talked and talked for hours. What was supposed to be an hour lunch turned into 3 hours.

Here's my catch 22. I love her. I really do. I think she'll be an awesome step mama, but i'm so flipping mad at my ex. He. lied. about. everything!!!!

We started off with the introductions and we really eased in with her going to school and whatnot. Then I just had to apologize and say that i'm so sorry that this is just taking me such a hard time to get over, but i'm so glad she's in DDs life and DD really really loves her. I said that i'm having such a hard time becasue between ex and I, there never has really been a clear cut boundary between just DD's mom and dad. We've always had weird strings attached. And she stopped me and goes "you know that's okay, we were on a break that summer, he told me it was a one time deal and you were going to reconsile and it didn't work out- and I forgave him"

Beep Beep Beep... back up the crazy train... ONE NIGHT STAND? Excuse me?

After that i just decided I can't fricken lie to the step mom of my child and asked her to please tell me what he told her because our stories weren't making sense at all. She said she'd tell me only if i go first. Smart girl.

I told her what I knew, and her story was COMPLETELY different. She said that he went to his brother and said that she just had a weird feeling about me and him but she couldn't really make sense of anything because we hated each other so much. He told her that when she was pregnant LAST summer, while they were on a 'break', me and him had a one night stand. THAT is what my ex admitted to. (when i later confronted him he said that yes that's all he admitted, this was his prooblem, and I need to butt out of it)

I finally confessed and told her. I told her this just WASN"T a one night stand. This had been going on the entire time they were dating. She wanted to know when it ended, and I told her September. (i just couldn't tell her about a few weeks ago. I felt so bad ) Then she said "ok, it happened in the past, it happened before we got engaged because we got engaged in September"

UHHHH... WTF?!?!?! He told me that this "just" happened!!!! That they "just" got engaged. He told me last night that in the grand sceme of getting engaged, this "just" happened to him.

So now i'm just completely just... confused. I got my answers about DD's step mama. But now I just absolutely hate my ex. I hate him for lying to us. I hate him for using me. And the kicker is that he doesn't feel the need to apologize for ANY of this except to her. Which, BTW he hasn't done. She told me that he deflects it, says he doesn't want to talk about it, and changes the subject. He feels like he owes me no explanation and no apology. I can't force him to care.

This is just a big freaking mess. I want him to tell her. I need him to tell her. I feel so guilty and like i'm a giant whore for keeping all this fromt her. She doesn't deserve to be cheated on. She doesn't deserve to be lied to. He doesn't see this as any of my business, but he dragged me into it. I just don't even know what to do. This ISN"T going to be a functional blended family. He's keeping secrets from her and involving me in the process.

I just don't know what to do. I know it's none of my business and I know that these are their issues that they need to resolve, but at the same time I feel like totally dragged into this. I dont' know what to do. I just want to take my DD and leave this mess. She doesn't deserve this crap and she doesnt know about anything now, but it doesn't take her long to catch on. He's totally backed out of agreeing to let us move. He's done nothing but call me names and tell me how much i'm ruining his life. He just has no personal responsibility for any of this and I know I can't force him to do anything, but at the same time- SOMETHING needs to happen. I can't live like this. I feel like a giant piece of trash.

ETA: He just called me a second ago, just yelling, screaming at the top of his lungs. Told me to stop worrying about it. This is his problem. I'm making it my problem. I need to leave him alone or he's going to kill himself. This will never stop and I'm just jealous that he's not getting married to me and I have to make his life miserable and take everything away from him because I can't have him. Great. Just great.
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#28 of 33 Old 12-17-2008, 02:26 PM
 
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Ok, I'm going to apologise in advance for the tone of my reply......

WTF! You seriously expect him to apologise to you and to be calm throughout all this? Putting his behaviour to one side for a moment what did you hope to achieve by telling his fiance about the two of you sleeping together? He is in a new relationship now and that relationship has nothing to do with you. Your role is to make sure that his new wife plays a positive role in your childs life - you have NO role in their relationship.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but you really need to step away and let your Ex and partner sort out their relationship on their own without interference from you.
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#29 of 33 Old 12-17-2008, 02:39 PM
 
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I disagree with the PP, I think it would be kinda awesome if you and she stood in unity. Take away his power, kwim?
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#30 of 33 Old 12-17-2008, 02:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
I disagree with the PP, I think it would be kinda awesome if you and she stood in unity. Take away his power, kwim?
I wish but i have no intention of meeting her again. I'm cutting all ties. I'm not talking to him, i just can't do this anymore. She's going to be an awesome step mama. He's made it absolutely clear that we are to never meet ever again.

sjlparis- you're right, it is their problem. It's not mine. I just felt totally dragged into it because he lied to me for so long, but you're right- i shouldn't have done it. I should have been a bigger person. I'm not. I'm so hurt and I let my emotions get out of control.
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