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#1 of 71 Old 12-27-2008, 03:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ok so I want to say I understand that right now we hav no phone and she cannot reach us. Our phones got shut off because we could not pay a previous bill that was owed by someone who had a line on our cells.

Now we have full physical custody and legal custody is joint. She gets Saturday visits 12-6. No where in the agreement does it say WE have to drop them off, but thats what she said to the police. I had the kids fed and ready at 12 pm. I told the officer that. We only have one car and DF uses it to get to work. He needs it in case he has to run a delivery (he is a general manager at a pizza place). This morning he used an online messenger to text her and say if she wanted her visit today she had to pick them up and drop them off. He was late and never stayed to get a response. She is extremely manipulative and the first second she gets she involves police or court, she does. She has fought for sole custody and has been denied NUMEROUS times. She has 14 dss cases open against her for abuse, drug use, and so on and so forth.

She keeps asking for overnights and then when we finally agree she backs out... Her boyfriend is weird and seems extremely abusive towards her. I'm concerned but DSS just keeps giving her rights. The kids like to see her and say they miss her and quite honestly I wlcome the break, but I just needed to vent.

I feel bad for not having a phone right now, but I KNOW she got the text. We use that system all the time. Am I being unreasonable to not drive an hour away because DF needs the car? I have no way to get them there???

Also I am a little upset that she still has not started paying her child support. I mean it would be a lot easier to pay our bills and have things for the kids if she paid... Anyway... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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#2 of 71 Old 12-27-2008, 03:19 PM
 
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I'm so sorry. Drop off and pick ups should really be in your order, otherwise this can happen every week! What did the police do, btw? There was just another thread about the police not enforcing custody agreements.
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#3 of 71 Old 12-27-2008, 03:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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He told the dispatch what I said and they said can we send her? I said OF COURSE!! I have been waiting since 12!!!! I feel bad, because I know as a mom how scary it can be to not see your kids, but in a way I feel less than bad for her because she did this to herself!

We just moved here and he got a new job so I guess we have to call lawyers and make some sort of agreement about driving. I would be more than happy to figure out a way to get them to her, the plan that DF and I came up with is that they would spend the night on Friday at his moms and then she can pick thm up from there (this is 10 minutes away). But thy are hostile to eachother and I am not sure that will work. BIOMOM will make up things and say MIL is harrassing her and MIL will threaten us nce again to go after custody because we are all "unfit". I just feel icky. I have NONE of these issues. DD's dad is not in the picture. i filed action against him for child support and they cannotfind him. He is busy making babies with his wife and not supporting mine. All I want is for him to actually surrender rights at this point DF wants to adopt DD anyway and I would love that! But needless to say I am so not used to this! BIODAD doesn't see my little lovey at all!
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#4 of 71 Old 12-27-2008, 04:02 PM
 
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For awhile we did pick ups at a nuetral place like the library or the police station parking lot. Everyone used better manners that way.
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#5 of 71 Old 12-27-2008, 04:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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She just came andI apologized about the phone... She was visibly annoyed, but itsnot my battle..
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#6 of 71 Old 12-27-2008, 07:31 PM
 
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He told the dispatch what I said and they said can we send her? I said OF COURSE!!
So the kids saw their mom dropped off in a police car?

The only thing you owe to others is to behave with integrity.
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#7 of 71 Old 12-27-2008, 07:36 PM
 
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We have the same struggle with BIO mom. she won't use the phone for contact and insists on emails. Yet doesn't check her email everyday. So if she doesn't get an email message blames everyone even though its her own damn fault.

I feel ya.

Loving Dh, Mama x 4, Surrogate mother to 5. A born 2003, M and R girl/girl twins 2006, S and C boy/girl twins born 2010. Processing/healing.
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#8 of 71 Old 12-27-2008, 07:50 PM
 
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We have the same struggle with BIO mom. she won't use the phone for contact and insists on emails. Yet doesn't check her email everyday. So if she doesn't get an email message blames everyone even though its her own damn fault.

I feel ya.
Yeah, but in this case, it's the OP who doesn't have a phone. I really don't think that's acceptable when you have kids, especially when you're sharing custody of them. In fact, I know some custody agreements stipulate that both households have mworking phones. OP, can't you guys get a pay as you go cell phone or something? I would feel really uncomfortable sending my kids to a home without a phone (or having them live in a house without one), so I empathize here with your step children's mother.
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#9 of 71 Old 12-27-2008, 09:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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ok Like I said I understand about the phone issue, but if she paid her child support, we might be able to afford those phones. As it is I gav up MY job to stay home with HER children because we can't afford daycare. I'm not going to get another prepaid phone for until Tuesday when we pay it anyway, also I cannot afford it, either I feed them or get a prepaid phone? Also it really isn't sharing custody, she gets ONE visit for 6 hours per week. That isn't sharing... She has no idea what being a mother means. I did apologize to her for the phone issue, though. But also, maybe she should have thought about what she wanted for her children before she signed them over to DF and then went on a nice drug binge 3 years ago. She isn't a mother. SORRY. Any vagina can push out a baby but I sweat and cry with these children. I dress them, feed them, and take care of all their needs all day every day.

The phone issue is new. This is just as of yesterday, BTW.

So they come home. The 5 year old has makeup. YES HOOKER RED LIPSTICK. Df and I had specifically come to the decision she could not have it. We even struck up a nice compromise with her for a dress up out fit instead. I was livid. BUY IT AND KEEP IT AT YOUR HOUSE!!!! This is not something I want around my dd nor is it apporpriate for a 5 year old.

Then I find 2 bags of candy, GALLON SIZE ZIP LOCKS FULL. Small chokable candies included. She didn't even tell me they were there!!! So I took them away and next Saturday they go back. That doesn't fly in my home.

THen they inform me that they only have ONE mommy and thats mommy BECKIE.. Which I never asked them to call me mommy. They just did. I mean I AM with them ALL the time. But either way I don't care what they call me, simply because I KNOW who and what I am, she was told by DF that they call me mommy and they did it completely on their own. SHe said it was fine, but now she is manipulating the situation thru them. That's wrong and confsing to them..

I'm just really frustrated righ now...
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#10 of 71 Old 12-27-2008, 09:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So the kids saw their mom dropped off in a police car?
No she came an hour after with her boyfriend. I made sure they knew nothing about what happend. The front door is don stairs and they saw/heard nothing.
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#11 of 71 Old 12-27-2008, 10:05 PM
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ok Like I said I understand about the phone issue, but if she paid her child support, we might be able to afford those phones. As it is I gav up MY job to stay home with HER children because we can't afford daycare. I'm not going to get another prepaid phone for until Tuesday when we pay it anyway, also I cannot afford it, either I feed them or get a prepaid phone? Also it really isn't sharing custody, she gets ONE visit for 6 hours per week. That isn't sharing... She has no idea what being a mother means. I did apologize to her for the phone issue, though. But also, maybe she should have thought about what she wanted for her children before she signed them over to DF and then went on a nice drug binge 3 years ago. She isn't a mother. SORRY. Any vagina can push out a baby but I sweat and cry with these children. I dress them, feed them, and take care of all their needs all day every day.

The phone issue is new. This is just as of yesterday, BTW.

So they come home. The 5 year old has makeup. YES HOOKER RED LIPSTICK. Df and I had specifically come to the decision she could not have it. We even struck up a nice compromise with her for a dress up out fit instead. I was livid. BUY IT AND KEEP IT AT YOUR HOUSE!!!! This is not something I want around my dd nor is it apporpriate for a 5 year old.

Then I find 2 bags of candy, GALLON SIZE ZIP LOCKS FULL. Small chokable candies included. She didn't even tell me they were there!!! So I took them away and next Saturday they go back. That doesn't fly in my home.

THen they inform me that they only have ONE mommy and thats mommy BECKIE.. Which I never asked them to call me mommy. They just did. I mean I AM with them ALL the time. But either way I don't care what they call me, simply because I KNOW who and what I am, she was told by DF that they call me mommy and they did it completely on their own. SHe said it was fine, but now she is manipulating the situation thru them. That's wrong and confsing to them..

I'm just really frustrated righ now...
What does DF mean?
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#12 of 71 Old 12-27-2008, 10:21 PM
 
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darling Fiance or Dear Fiance..

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#13 of 71 Old 12-27-2008, 11:11 PM
 
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It sounds very frustrating, and tough on you and the kids.

I do want to say though, that you won't get anywhere by telling yourself that "she isn't a mother" because she doesn't meet your definition of what a mother should be. In the end, you don't get to define whether she is or not - the simple fact is that she's your stepkids' mother, will always be their mother, and they and you will just need to work with the mother they've got. I say that with huge empathy, because she does sound pretty dreadful, but getting your nose out of joint about it simply doesn't help you or them.

And, sadly, sometimes if the parent doesn't share your values, you do have to relax your standards for the kids' sake. You don't have to buy red lipstick for a five year old yourself, but you do have to smile, grit your teeth, say "oh, yes, I see your lipstick! That's a very pretty, bright red isn't it? How about we give it a wash for now so it doesn't rub off on your clothes? It looks like you had some fun with your mommy today." Hey, maybe she was trying to show them some love with the lipstick and candy.

Maybe ease up on the 'mommy' stuff wih the kids. Even if it was their idea, they're being made uncomfortable with it, and she's obviously unhappy with it. I'd just say "you're quite right, I'm your stepmommy and X is your mommy. You've got three parents, but we're all different!"
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#14 of 71 Old 12-28-2008, 12:10 AM
 
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I understand how frustrating that all is! we go through the same thing (except the kids only see her every other weekend for 6 hours) unless she decides not to show, or to be late and a bunch of other stuff. It's so hard to deal with. If she's anything like my DD and DS's biomother she is just trying to win their love and affection. our kids dont even talk about her and only ds who is barely 5 gets excited for visits. you just gotta hang in there and bite your tongue, at least thats what i try to do. we came across the same issue, she pays no support and DF and i worked hard to provide a christmas for the kids, they come home from visiting her with a bag of stuff, which will promptly be returned and stationed at where ever she's staying ATM. I dont want it in my house.

sorry for the hijack... anyway just thought id tell you that even though its hard you just have to remember the kids are with you and love you just as much as they can. sounds like youre trying really hard to make the best life for them even when others make it difficult.

good luck with everything

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#15 of 71 Old 12-28-2008, 12:40 AM
 
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we go through the same thing (except the kids only see her every other weekend for 6 hours) .... she is just trying to win their love and affection. our kids dont even talk about her and only ds who is barely 5 gets excited for visits.
I'll bet it's really painful to be a noncustodial mom, to see the children you gave birth to, created and nursed and loved, only 12 hours a month, and to see your children no longer excited to see you. No wonder these poor women try to gain their kids' love and affection - in their position, I sure would. Likely with candy, sure. And heck, I let my 6yo daughter wear face paint as she pleases now (with me parenting 24/7) - if I saw her only for two "visits" a month, I would darn well try to make them fun for us.

Not saying the OP and other stepmoms can't be frustrated with their stepkids' moms, just saying I really feel for these moms, too. Whether they lost primary custody through addictions, or inability to afford a lawyer, or an unselfish choice created by post-divorce geography, it's just a sad situation I wouldn't wish for myself or any mom I know. So perhaps a little empathy would help your frustration, OP. You're leading the life that your stepkids' moms wish they had, seeing their kids every day.

The only thing you owe to others is to behave with integrity.
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#16 of 71 Old 12-28-2008, 12:56 AM
 
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Even if you hate her, its the childrens mother.
If she isnt paying child support, is it court ordered support?
If it is, have dad file contempt of court form at the courthouse and take her butt back to court for not paying child support.
If its not in the order for dad to take the children/pick them up, theres nothing the police can do.
If she wants them, she can come and get them. If it was in the order, this would solve a lot of problems.


About the lipstick and candy, thats annoying but thats just a difference in parenting skills.
Tell your man to go back to court to modify the existing order to add in anything else that might crop up.

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#17 of 71 Old 12-28-2008, 11:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I did talk to him about modifying the order. We decided to allow the makeup at dress-up time and then only and it must be washed off after.

The candy is a problem with DF too and it's going back to her on Saturday.

I want to say that I have never uttered a rude word to her or about her around the kids. I don't want them to hurt any further. I can't see them in pain anymore...

As for the mommy issue, they are calling me mommy after we talked las night as a family and told them they could call me Torre if they wanted. See what bothers me is that they LIKE calling me mommy. Obviously they do or it wouldn't have started or be continuing. They are being made to feel bad about it by her.

I have to see I do empathize with her in a way, but she has other children which are in the same situation and it's just hard to emathize wth someone like her. IDK...

All I know is I love them and that will never change!!!
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#18 of 71 Old 12-28-2008, 12:41 PM
 
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I think you have to be very careful, regardless of how frustrating things are for you. Let me preface this by saying in our case dsd's mom does not pay CS either, and doesn't pick up dsd even for 6 hours a week, it is a lot more sporadic.

Anyway...

* I believe it is important to make sure that either you or your husband communicates clearly and consistently with their mother. Children should not grow up with police visits. And if their mom doesn't know how to do the right thing, then you might have to double the sacrifice and efforts. Unfortunately, there is just no way around it.

* I would be very careful with taking bags of candy away. It sounded rather harsh in your post. Mind you, I am not suggesting at all to allow the kids live on candy, but I wouldn't take it away for a week either. I would set it up in the kitchen, and tell the kids they can have a couple after a meal, or something of the sort.

* Please do keep mom in your thoughts, I bet she was in your shoes right now.

Hang in there!

New endeavor coming soon...
Raising Alice in Wonderland (DSD, 17), and in love with a Superman
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#19 of 71 Old 12-28-2008, 01:58 PM
 
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With my dss its the same thing, he calls me Mom, and his bio mom by her given name. It was his choice to make and I wouldn't ever tell him not to call me mom. In his eyes, I am his mom, she is more like an Aunt.

As with the rules of our house, When she does actually show up to get Dss she has to play by our rules for things that come into our house, just like we wouldn't think about sending dss over to her house with something she didn't want him to have.

If he does come home with a Squirt Gun (any gun, any shape or form, is a no no here) It gets put up on our bar, until its time for him to go back to moms, he takes it back. he doesn't seem to care too much, hes too old for that kinda stuff now anyways, so we know its just her little jabs, I don't get made.. rules are rules here. I would look at it the same way if he came home with a case of soda, its just not happening here, sorry.

Just like punishments are different at her house. I don't tell her how to parent our children. and I firmly believe they are all of OUR children. Hers mine and his.

He doesn't like going to his moms because he says she is fake, its party party all the time, stay up until your ready to pass out, sleep all day.. go home. He hates it. he has to cook his own food, and he has to share a bed with his bio mom. he is 11 and has his own room here.

But in the end I do what I legally have to do. That means I smile and tell him to live it up, have fun and be nice.

Hes always happy to come home where things are real and there are limits. I am civil to her, I am down right cheerful to her. I help him make Mother's Day gifts for her, because she brought my son into the world, unfit in my eyes or not, she gave birth to him. I make her something for Christmas every year. I do it for him, so his life is easier at her house, if I am sweet to her, he sees this, so he knows if she says anything negative that I am trying my best with her.


Thats how things are here, granted it isn't like that everywhere with everyone. But its how we get through our visitation with her.

My ex husband is another matter all together with my children with him, hes easy. We are still best friends and talk almost everyday. We are very close. I got very lucky.

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#20 of 71 Old 12-28-2008, 04:40 PM
 
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I havent read all the other replies so I dont know if this has been mentioned but calling you mommy can cause him to lose custody.
You are not the mommy.

Yes, you can stop the kids from calling you mommy by saying "no, i am not your mommy, you have a mommy and she loves you very much" even if you dont believe it, or think it. do it for the kids you love so much.

it is not a good thing to have other peoples kids call you mommy or daddy.
this can cause the custodial parent a lot of grief if the non custodial parent decides they want custody. seriously, it can.

the father of your stepchildren needs to nip that in the bud, quickly.
as well as taking away presents given by the MOM(not bio mom there is no biomom its just mom)

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#21 of 71 Old 12-28-2008, 04:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I havent read all the other replies so I dont know if this has been mentioned but calling you mommy can cause him to lose custody.
You are not the mommy.

Yes, you can stop the kids from calling you mommy by saying "no, i am not your mommy, you have a mommy and she loves you very much" even if you dont believe it, or think it. do it for the kids you love so much.

it is not a good thing to have other peoples kids call you mommy or daddy.
this can cause the custodial parent a lot of grief if the non custodial parent decides they want custody. seriously, it can.

the father of your stepchildren needs to nip that in the bud, quickly.
as well as taking away presents given by the MOM(not bio mom there is no biomom its just mom)
Sorry but she is their mother, she gave birth to them I AM THEIR MOM... She can go for custody all she wants, she won't get it, nor does she really want it. She abandoned them and NOW that she is dating a man whom has no children and cannot have them, all of a sudden she is interested?

It's not something I will tell them not to say, it's their choice and the courts cannot take away their right to say what they want to say.

Are you telling me that if they called some stranger mommy, she could have them taken?? Thats silly and I doubt it.
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#22 of 71 Old 12-28-2008, 05:15 PM
 
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You can tell them no, just like you tell them no for anything else. Do you let the children decide everything, no you do not.
You, in the courts eyes are not the mom. The mom and dad are the parents. Not you, but if she signs her rights away yes then you can tell them to call you whatever yout dlike.Until then, be careful.If she wants them back now, great for those precious children who you love so much, you keep saying. You should want them to be happy and if their mother wants to be with them and spend time with them it should be a GOOD thing not a nasty thing.

If you continue this mommy bit and she does decide she wants custody and finds out about this her lawyer will be all over your dh. Seriously.

Im not being mean, I know you think those kids are yours but they are not. They are someone elses for now, until those rights are signed away.

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#23 of 71 Old 12-28-2008, 05:23 PM
 
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Good Grief these children have enough on their plate already, they get dragged through there BIO moms junk, she doesn't want them now she does... and you honestly think its a good idea for there stepmom to tell them not to call her mommy?

Thats horrible. I would never reject my child like that. It would be a slap in the face to any child.

I say keep it up, the kids need a real mother.

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#24 of 71 Old 12-28-2008, 05:37 PM
 
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Oh, are the children adopted?Otherwise the use of BIO
mom is inappropriate.There is stepmom(if you and father are married only)and mom.

They are not your children unless the mom signed rights over.I am speaking from a courts view.

If you or anyone would like advice on this calling mommy business go to freeadvice.com under child and custody and ask the question to the lawyers on there, see what they say.

I understand you want to protect your stepchildren but they still have a mother, you need to protect their emotional interests...and telling them their mother loves them is doing just that. that is real love, not looking out for yourself, but the children.
they still love their mom, no matter what.even if they say they dont.

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#25 of 71 Old 12-28-2008, 05:41 PM
 
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I refuse to speak for someone else, I speak for my self and I tell my children I love them. Its not my job or my desire to tell my children that there BIOmom loves them. its her job. I love my children. They know I do. Thats all that matters, They will always call me mom, I agree with the OP she is the mom here, they might have a mother, but she is the mom.

Besides, she didn't post to ask you if it was ok about what her kids call her, she posted to vent about the situation. Not asking if you thought it was ok for them to call her mom.

Have a good day!

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#26 of 71 Old 12-28-2008, 08:18 PM
 
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I think it would be weird to not allow little kids to call someone "mommy" if that's what they thought.

If my XH ever remarries my son can call her anything he wants. Why should I care? Ok, aside from if he were calling her obscenities and what not...
Otherwise, what would it change if he called her mom also, or step mom, and me biomom.

It doesn't change anything for me.

Obvs if someone is forcing someone to call a parent "mommy" that would be weird.

I don't believe in telling a child that an absentee parent loves them in all situations. To know that a parent loves them but still doesn't want to be around them is confusing to my 12 yr old. He would rather know that some people are just not good people, and incapable of proper parental love. In fact, my son would have LOVED LOVED LOVED to have had someone in his life to call "dad." Real, bio, step or fake. He had love and wanted to give it to someone.
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#27 of 71 Old 12-28-2008, 09:16 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Transitions View Post
You can tell them no, just like you tell them no for anything else. Do you let the children decide everything, no you do not.
You, in the courts eyes are not the mom. The mom and dad are the parents. Not you, but if she signs her rights away yes then you can tell them to call you whatever yout dlike.Until then, be careful.If she wants them back now, great for those precious children who you love so much, you keep saying. You should want them to be happy and if their mother wants to be with them and spend time with them it should be a GOOD thing not a nasty thing.

If you continue this mommy bit and she does decide she wants custody and finds out about this her lawyer will be all over your dh. Seriously.

Im not being mean, I know you think those kids are yours but they are not. They are someone elses for now, until those rights are signed away.
I'm going to have to disagree with you about the Mommy thing. DH and I have custody of dss8, and we have since he was 2 years old. We have been in court more times then I can count. Dss first called me "the mom", then it moved onto "mom". For a short time afterwards he called me Gina, then back to Mom, and we are now back at Gina. When we were dealing with the moderators, judge, and everyone else involved (we also had to do psych evals), we were told that the fact that dss felt safe enough to call me mom showed a lot to the courts. It was never ever once brought up that it was a negative thing.

Being a parent is more then just birthing a child. It is the day to day things that makes a parent. Just like my dss knows that I can be a safe place for him to land when he gets angry about his bio mom and lashes out at me, he feels safe and secure enough to call me mom.
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#28 of 71 Old 12-28-2008, 09:47 PM
 
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*puts on moderator's hat*
I would like to remind everyone participating in this thread to stay respectful
to one another, even when you disagree with someone's opinion very strongly. We don't have to agree, but we do need to stay polite for the discussion to be able to continue.

New endeavor coming soon...
Raising Alice in Wonderland (DSD, 17), and in love with a Superman
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#29 of 71 Old 12-28-2008, 10:24 PM
 
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I am confused. Is the child in question here adopted? How is this child related to the OP and the OP's fiance?
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#30 of 71 Old 12-28-2008, 10:54 PM
 
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Originally Posted by hotmamacita View Post
I am confused. Is the child in question here adopted? How is this child related to the OP and the OP's fiance?
It is my understanding that the OP's partner is the child's father and the OP is the child's father's fiance. The child's father is the custodial parent. The child's mother is the noncustodial parent who has visitation with the child.
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