partner having a hard time living with me and son - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 10 Old 12-30-2008, 04:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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my son and i moved in with my partner. i`ve known him for almost 12 years. my son has known him for a year but two or three days in a row, twice. in other words, just got to know him now and loves him. it`s my partner who is having a hard time here.

he was the one who toldme there was nothing dificult about getting together, but it`s very hard for him. sometimes sais he doesn`t want to be with us for an afternoon, needs some time off. i understand that. it`s hard enough to have your life changed when your son is born...i can only imagine what it must be like to have your life changed overnight with a partner and son, that isn`t yours...

i get angry at times. i wish everything would be perfect, now, today and not have to give more time, time and more time...we`ve had a difficult year.

anyway, does anyone live in this situation? you, your child and partner? can you help me out? how can we make it easier for all of us? thanks!
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#2 of 10 Old 12-30-2008, 09:49 PM
 
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We moved into my now dh's small 2 bed house when my boys were 7 and 4.

It wasn't easy or simple. I had some of my stuff out in the garden under tarps for a month or so until he could move his stuff and make room from ours. Practically speaking I think he found it hard having his space invaded and a lot of noise too with both of them. Anyone who has lived alone for any length of time must find it hard to live with someone else but adding children to that new mix is harder I'm sure.

He knew them well as we had been together for 2 years and he had looked after them 2 nights a week for about a year while I was studying or working. They knew him well too and were happy to live together but day after day after day it did sometimes get a bit much and he would have to just go out. At one point I thought that I would take the boys away and stay in a cottage or something for a week just so he could have some time alone but we managed to get past that.

I can't say exactly when it got more normal and less like we were difficult and demanding house guests(!) but about a year and a half in he stopped calling it his house and it became our house. We have since had 2 more children in this tiny house and it is absolutely not anything other than OUR house now and we all can't wait to get out of it together.

Perfect is unlikely in the first year or so I would think so you may need to re-adjust your expectations and just settle for getting through the months without too many big dramas. It will take time so be patient.

Tips? Don't move his stuff, get rid of any of it or make him spend time with you if it is obvious that he really doesn't want to and do make times when you go out and leave him alone in the house sometimes. Think of things you can do together out of the house so that it is about you being together not about the space.
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#3 of 10 Old 12-30-2008, 11:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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wow...alot of change in your lives too! i see it's normal then...
thank you very very much for the tips.
yeah, he has gotten rid of stuff. we moved into a new apartment a month ago, so it's our place now...but i don't have much room for my things. i don't have many things anyway, but i don't feel it's my home yet...
patience? i need some! thank you very very much for the tips, need them...
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#4 of 10 Old 12-30-2008, 11:48 PM
 
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My dp says I have the patience of licorice. My situation isn't quite the same because dp has two kids already, which makes 4 total living in a 3 bedroom house until I graduate and we can expand.

However, in the beginning it was really hard because we felt like visitors to some extent. It helped us to make "new" spaces and rearrange things although I could see how too much movement could be overwhelming.

But we were all ready to make the house ours as opposed to his so we painted the walls, got new lamps, just little things...

We are right at one year of living together, and about 1/4 of my stuff is in storage at my parents (lucky them), but dp already had kids which makes it different.

Oh and I love my kids, and dp's kiddos and both of us still take afternoon's off now and again.
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#5 of 10 Old 12-31-2008, 12:39 AM - Thread Starter
 
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yeah for the afternoons off!!! love it. thank you for telling me your stories. thanks
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#6 of 10 Old 12-31-2008, 12:59 AM
 
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Um, I cried a lot when I first married dh. I was used to living alone, in the quiet, and no one ever got into my stuff.

What helped us was setting some guidelines - the boys were just asked not to get into my things in the bathroom. I made sure that I went out to coffee shops a couple of times a week to get quiet.

I'm sure it can be frustrating waiting for things to get blended. I remember reading that it can take a good 5 years for families to truly meld together. For us it was four, and it seemed like forever.

Things don't have to work like you imagine 'regular' families work. It might be that your partner doesn't do everything with you and your son, and that's okay. Find out what your partner is having trouble with -time, space, noise, whatever. See if you can find a solution to it. Going from no kids to an instant preteen is tough, so be patient with him.
Things get so much better in time!
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#7 of 10 Old 12-31-2008, 02:47 AM
 
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I agree that it just takes time. Dh and I and the kids lived together for a year before we got married. He was a bachelor until he was 35. It took some adjusting on all of our parts, as I was also used to being a single mom. Give each other plenty of space and patience in the beginning. It will get better, it's almost like adding a new baby.

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#8 of 10 Old 12-31-2008, 09:45 AM - Thread Starter
 
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patience and space...we need that.
thank you. it feels good that there are others out there!
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#9 of 10 Old 01-02-2009, 02:55 AM
 
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I was in your partner's position, having moved in with my partner and his daughter. The thing that was most helpful to me was to know that I could tell my partner (now husband) how I was feeling, even when it seemed like a silly way to feel... he might ask me to try to explain if he wanted to understand better, but he was always fine with just accepting that I felt the way I felt, whether or not there was a rational reason that I could explain. If I needed to go shopping by myself, or wanted them to go out and let me be home by myself... if I needed to ask him not to talk about a certain subject with his ex for the time being, or I insisted that at first he ask her to call from the driveway rather than knock on the door when she arrived... whatever it was, he took it seriously and did his best to give me the time and space to work out whatever I needed to work out.

So, the fact that he will tell you when he needs a break is really great, from my perspective. I would reassure him that he can always tell you what he needs and then do your best to respect his feelings as valid and legitimate, even if they don't make sense to you... don't take them personally... I imagine he is just working out his own stuff so he can get to the place you all want to be. Does that make sense?

Parenting four little monkeys (11, 8, 6, and 4) with the love of my life. Making it up as I go.
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#10 of 10 Old 01-02-2009, 01:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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yes everything you said makes sense. i take it personally, scared that he`ll eventually say that it wasn`t what he expected and i`ll have to start aaaaall over again, and the pain that will be brought on my son, again. yes, i have to work on MY things first!
i love seeing how you all got through the tough times!
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