Potty training my stepson - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 24 Old 01-17-2009, 01:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
Auraji's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Hatfield, PA
Posts: 934
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Jack turned 3 at the end of October, since before that I've been trying so hard to potty train him. It seems like Im the only one doing anything about it. At the beggining he would sit on his potty and I would sit on the toilet and read him a story and then explain that we need to sit on the potty because that's where we go pee pee and poppy, that diapers are for babies and he's now a big boy. He is in that I'm a big boy, I'm strong, I can do anything phase, except go on his potty. So we would sit there a lot, but he never actually did anything, to him it was more like a game, but I was happy that at least he was willing to spend some time there.
After awhile he didnt really want to sit there anymore and it became more like a chore and crying. I didnt want to make him see it as a negative thing, so I wouldnt make him sit there, but kept reminding him that whenever he felt like going #1 or #2 he should go to his potty and whenever I was going to the bathroom I would let him know that I was gonna go use the potty.
A few months ago I got him a bunch of cars underwears, that's probably his favorite movie and he was all excited about it. I explained to him that they were big boy underwears just like daddy wears and that he needs to go in the potty when he wears them because he doesnt want to go pee pee on Macqueen. He wore them and refused to go in the potty, it was nooooo and crying and he peed all over himself. Then he didnt want to wear it anymore, because he didnt like that.
Now all I do is remind him that daddy, mommy, his older cousins who he loves and I we all go in the potty and he needs to do the same. Whenever he doesnt want to let me change his diaper I let him know that if he really doesnt want me to, he should go in his potty and there would be no more diapers (I cant wait!).
The thing is, he's only with us 3-4 days a week. It seems like Im the only one doing anything about it. I always tell his mom whenever she comes about what I've been doing, because maybe she can put some of that into practice too and all she says is, "I got him Thomas underwear and I told him that when he goes in the potty he can wear it" or "I told him if he goes number one in the potty I'll give him candy and if he goes number two I'll give him a toy".

I dont know what to do, any advice?
Auraji is offline  
#2 of 24 Old 01-17-2009, 01:30 PM
 
anitaj71's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Wet Coast
Posts: 961
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My son is 3 & 1/2 ( and counting ) and I have tried every trick in the book but he refuses to 'go potty'. He's just not ready. Your dss just may not be ready ! It's annoying when they get older and they couldn't be bothered to go but forcing the issue won't help (imho). Try the toddler forum and search or do cross post on toilet training/potty training you may get some extra advice!
anitaj71 is offline  
#3 of 24 Old 01-17-2009, 06:50 PM
 
zipworth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Nova Scotia
Posts: 1,243
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would say back off until he shows more interest. Putting pressure on him to use the potty will only backfire. When he shows an interest, then you can run with it. Most boys are later to want to use the toilet than girls, your stepson sounds very typical to me.
zipworth is offline  
#4 of 24 Old 01-17-2009, 08:49 PM
 
PoppyMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: In my own delusions.
Posts: 3,305
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
It sounds like you are making it way to big of a deal. I wouldn't want to go if someone was making me sit on a potty until I cried. I know it's hard to back off and let it be about him and his choices but I really believe that their are certain parts of our bodies that we should have complete control over. I put too much pressure, praise, etc. on my dd and she took FOREVER to potty train. I left my son completely alone and let his bodily functions be all his. He potty trained with no trauma for anyone. All your work may have backfired and this could be a long long process now.
PoppyMama is offline  
#5 of 24 Old 01-17-2009, 11:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
Auraji's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Hatfield, PA
Posts: 934
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by anitaj71 View Post
My son is 3 & 1/2 ( and counting ) and I have tried every trick in the book but he refuses to 'go potty'. He's just not ready. Your dss just may not be ready ! It's annoying when they get older and they couldn't be bothered to go but forcing the issue won't help (imho). Try the toddler forum and search or do cross post on toilet training/potty training you may get some extra advice!

I understand that perfectly.

The thing is he does seem interested. He's always looking for me to change his diaper because he's poppy, even when he's not. He mentions the potty and sometimes goes sit on it, throws his diaper in the trash, but doesnt do anything. Im happy when that happens, because I see that he is becoming familiar.

I dont force him, but apparently it came out that way. I ask him, do you want to go potty? When he wakes up, after he eats, before naptime, after naptime, whatever he says. It's fine with me, all I do is talk to him about it. Most of the time his answer is nooo and starts crying, so I tell him ok, he doesnt have to. But it's not like I make him go if he doesnt want to. I just want him to keep it in his mind.

The pressure doesnt come from me wanting to potty train him, but everytime his mom comes she's like so what are you doing to potty train him? What do you plan to do? You need to make him, but whenever I ask her what she's doing, she doesnt seem to say she's doing anything. It makes me feel like Im the one responsible for it, everytime I go to a family get together, her whole side of the family is asking me about it and I tell them the things I've tried, but they make it sound like it's up to me. Or that I need to tell DP to teach him, he has been involved with it a couple fo times, but he's also not that kind of guy.
Auraji is offline  
#6 of 24 Old 01-18-2009, 12:01 AM - Thread Starter
 
Auraji's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Hatfield, PA
Posts: 934
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by zipworth View Post
I would say back off until he shows more interest. Putting pressure on him to use the potty will only backfire. When he shows an interest, then you can run with it. Most boys are later to want to use the toilet than girls, your stepson sounds very typical to me.
Again that's the thing he was very interested in the beginning. We got his potty together and put a bunch of stickers in it of the things he loves. He would sit there, we would read and now he mostly hates the mention of the word potty.

And I know boys take longer. My mom and DP's mom have told me that. Honestly all I've been doing is following people's advice WITHOUT making him sit there or forcing him. Just bringing it up a lot. I think talking about it helps.

I guess Im more frustrated because everyone seems to be expecting me to do it and is always asking me about it. I should probably just ignore them and tell them that he'll go when he's ready.
Auraji is offline  
#7 of 24 Old 01-18-2009, 12:03 AM - Thread Starter
 
Auraji's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Hatfield, PA
Posts: 934
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by PoppyMama View Post
It sounds like you are making it way to big of a deal. I wouldn't want to go if someone was making me sit on a potty until I cried. I know it's hard to back off and let it be about him and his choices but I really believe that their are certain parts of our bodies that we should have complete control over. I put too much pressure, praise, etc. on my dd and she took FOREVER to potty train. I left my son completely alone and let his bodily functions be all his. He potty trained with no trauma for anyone. All your work may have backfired and this could be a long long process now.

Again, I dont make him sit there.

He cries about it, when I ask if he wants to. If he says no or starts crying, that's it. I tell him that he doesnt have to and I just mention it a lot to him.

I think making him sit there would be counterproductive, but I dont see how talking about it it's bad. But maybe I should stop mentioning it all together?
Auraji is offline  
#8 of 24 Old 01-18-2009, 12:31 AM
 
PoppyMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: In my own delusions.
Posts: 3,305
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I found, personally, that any pressure (positive or negative) was counterproductive. It's an age when kids are very likely to have control issues and praise/punishment can lead to rebelling. My dd expressed an interest in potty training at about 18 months and I was thrilled and gave lots of encouragement. I think that my being invested in her bodily functions backfired on me. With my son I was totally neutral and it felt like he potty trained overnight. I'm sure that wasn't the case but since I wasn't invested in the process I didn't have any frustration. I offered no encouragement or admonition and no prizes. It worked for us. I'm not saying that that's the way everyone should do it I'm pointing out that children recognize control areas and are driven to try to control what they can.
PoppyMama is offline  
#9 of 24 Old 01-18-2009, 12:41 AM
 
1littlebit's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 4,189
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
my cousin didn't potty train until he was about four. my aunt tried once and he wasn't interested so she dropped it. about six months later she tried again and he was potty trained in two days. it wasn't even really training he just sort of did it. she just asked him if he wanted to go potty and if she said yes she helped him if he said no she just said ok. i think waiting awhile and taking a step back and then remaining neutral is a good way to go.
1littlebit is offline  
#10 of 24 Old 01-18-2009, 10:51 AM
 
PlayaMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,758
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
i'd try the toddler forum too, and i second the advice of just let him do it on his own, i tried everything and it wasn't until i backed off that ds decided he didn't want to wear diapers any more and he didn't.

i think that i would just ignore it and everything about it, including talking about it, for a month and see what happens.

either way, it's NOT your sole responsibility, and i wouldn't take that on yourself. i agree that, "he'll do it when he's ready" is an appropriate response to anyone that asks.

eh. who needs a signature?
PlayaMama is offline  
#11 of 24 Old 01-18-2009, 12:17 PM
 
anitaj71's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Wet Coast
Posts: 961
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
The pressure doesnt come from me wanting to potty train him, but everytime his mom comes she's like so what are you doing to potty train him? What do you plan to do? You need to make him, but whenever I ask her what she's doing, she doesnt seem to say she's doing anything. It makes me feel like Im the one responsible for it, everytime I go to a family get together, her whole side of the family is asking me about it and I tell them the things I've tried, but they make it sound like it's up to me. Or that I need to tell DP to teach him, he has been involved with it a couple fo times, but he's also not that kind of guy.
I don't know your history so this is another very general answer/response so please take this with a grain of salt:

When you are asked what you are doing to potty train start deferring to your dp. Say you are "doing what you can, but really, that sort of thing should be left up to dad and mom don't you think?" Personally, it drives me nuts that men are often left off the hook (generally speaking) for parenting their own children the moment they get a girlfriend/wife/partner etc.

You say that your dp is "not that kind of guy". He would turn into 'that kind of guy' very quickly if you weren't around. He would be 'that guy' if he was single. (I say this kindly )

If you hang around this forum long enough you will see that one of the biggest lessons us 'seasoned' stepmoms have learned is to leave as much of the parenting as possible up to the parents. I hope I don't sound too harsh I don't mean to. In the end, imho, potty training is not your full responsibility. Do what you can and help out. AND As a fellow stepmom that has btdt, I officially take the pressure off of you to potty train your dss. :

(and when he has one of those huge toddler poops hand him over to dad )
anitaj71 is offline  
#12 of 24 Old 01-18-2009, 12:24 PM
 
Tilia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Iowa
Posts: 2,721
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I also wonder if it would help to see how his dad does it. A fellow boy to show him how it all works, maybe that would help him connect better?

treehugger.gifearth.gifribbonwhite.gif Anne (31), single WOHM to Karen (5)ribbonyellow.gifshamrocksmile.giffambedsingle1.gifjoy.gif
Tilia is offline  
#13 of 24 Old 01-18-2009, 12:57 PM
 
melijack1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 110
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
This is going to sound very obvious, but have you let him try standing, have you tried the old trick of putting cheerios in the bowl and see if he can get them? I know it sounds silly, but my son, who turned 3 in September and is pee trained (not quite there with pooping yet, but almost), did much better with standing. We started in the summer, before he turned 3, and he really liked to pee outside in the beginning (we live in a VERY rural area), although we told him he could only do that if he asked first because sometimes it's not okay. I'm not recommending the peeing outside if that's not doable for you, but I am recommending the standing up. It helped us a lot.

I think you're doing a good job. Potty training can be tough and every kid is just so different. We also used small rewards like a few M&Ms and a sticker on his potty chart. The potty chart worked like this. Every time he went potty and actually peed, he got to have a sticker on the chart...then when we got to ten stickers (sometimes it only took a day, sometimes up to three, depending on how he was doing with it) he got a reward such as a new matchbox car, or a movie from the library or rental place, or a trip to our little convenience store for a special treat, or whatever. It doesn't have to be big. The important point that worked for us was that there was no penalty for going in his underwear, but there was no reward either. We don't do rewards anymore, although we might bring that concept back to try to help him poo on the potty.

Good luck! Like I said, you're doing a great job.
melijack1 is offline  
#14 of 24 Old 01-18-2009, 02:14 PM
 
myra_mcgray's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 287
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Let him pee outside until he gets the idea of going pee intentionally. seriously we did this with DSS and DS and then we transitioned to the potty. Something about peeing outside.

Baby Mama, Law Student, Milk Maker:
Mom-type to DSS 10/12/03, Mom to DS 10/05/06 and DD 11/03/08.
myra_mcgray is offline  
#15 of 24 Old 01-18-2009, 07:41 PM
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 4,742
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think that it is going to be difficult if both houses aren't on the same page with regard to the potty situation. It sounds like you guys have a 50/50 parenting time situation, so that means that both houses have to put in 50% of the effort. And it would really help if everyone was on the same page with it.

I have no experience with potty training, but my instinct tells me that the PPs advice of being hands-off would be a good approach. I might even just drop the subject for a while. Leave the potty in the bathroom, but say nothing.

love.gif

pinksprklybarefoot is offline  
#16 of 24 Old 01-18-2009, 07:45 PM
 
StephandOwen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 8,809
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by zipworth View Post
I would say back off until he shows more interest. Putting pressure on him to use the potty will only backfire. When he shows an interest, then you can run with it. Most boys are later to want to use the toilet than girls, your stepson sounds very typical to me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PoppyMama View Post
It sounds like you are making it way to big of a deal. I wouldn't want to go if someone was making me sit on a potty until I cried. ((SNIP)) I left my son completely alone and let his bodily functions be all his. He potty trained with no trauma for anyone. All your work may have backfired and this could be a long long process now.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PoppyMama View Post
I found, personally, that any pressure (positive or negative) was counterproductive. It's an age when kids are very likely to have control issues and praise/punishment can lead to rebelling.
: to all of the above.

My ds "potty trained" at about 3 1/2. Before that he wasn't interested at all. Wouldn't even sit on the potty. One day he just decided he was ready. He was day and night trained from that day on and wouldn't let me put a diaper on him for anything. Of course, ds has autism so that changes things a little. When he gets it in his head that something has to happen- it HAS TO HAPPEN, and only that way. He decided on his own that he was going to potty train and that was it, no turning back. We didn't even do pull-ups because there was no point- until that day he had NO interest in going potty in the toilet.

Steph, DH Jason (1-1-11), DS Owen (10-3-03) and DS Kai (10-13-11)

StephandOwen is offline  
#17 of 24 Old 01-19-2009, 01:25 PM
 
Smithie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 4,529
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
I think you need to refuse to take the lead on this one. Tell Mom that you'll follow whatever plan she has, and never bring it up again. Eventually (and soon!) he'll self-train even if Mom takes no initiative.

This also sets a good precedent for later developmental issues that might come up: if he needs help with handwriting, then MOM or DAD talk with the teacher, buy the needed materials or workbooks, and establish the practice schedule. You follow the schedule.

I realize that this is so so difficult to deal with if Mom's parenting is subpar and your dh just puts everything kid-related on you (which so many dhs are prone to do, mine included!) But assuming that everyone involved is a decent human being, your backing-off WILL produce an acceptable result. It may even be that Mom feels intimidated by you, if you have a more stable life and are known in the family for your stellar caregiving. It sounds like everybody needs to be reminded that you are not the mom and don't call the shots.
Smithie is offline  
#18 of 24 Old 01-19-2009, 03:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
Auraji's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Hatfield, PA
Posts: 934
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1littlebit View Post
my cousin didn't potty train until he was about four. my aunt tried once and he wasn't interested so she dropped it. about six months later she tried again and he was potty trained in two days. it wasn't even really training he just sort of did it. she just asked him if he wanted to go potty and if she said yes she helped him if he said no she just said ok. i think waiting awhile and taking a step back and then remaining neutral is a good way to go.
I agree completely with you.

I guess the story seems to come off a different way when you condense it without any timelines. When we got his potty he was around 2 1/2. He was into the whole thing, but would never go. I would just leave the bathroom door open for him and let him know that it was there if he wanted to go.

I tried again, with the underwear thing in December. Months late, because I would see he would be more aware of what was going on in his diaper, as soon as he peed would come to me and tell me to change his diaper. It didnt work and I havent tried them again. He has sometimes run to the potty taken his diaper off, thrown it in the trash, but doesnt do anything.

He nows takes his diaper off on his own. Im not a fan of this, the other day I found one poppy mess in the time it took me to get out of the laundry room and go upstairs to change his diaper. He was standing with his diaper in his hand, pants down on his ankles on the top of the stairs telling me to take it, clean him and get him new pants. I had to laugh. That didnt make me angry or anything. Im happy that he's more conscious of his bodily functions, but told him to please wait for me next time and that if he really cant wait, to just come and get me.

I see him being very into it, but the idea of the potty freaks him out. I probably havent mentioned it all, for like two weeks. Im gonna try the toddler forum, but the reason I posted here was because I feel so much pressure from his mom and her family.

Seriously, I think it was his bday, all her family kept talking to me about the potty training. Not his mom, not DP, me. Im like...ehh, I cant make him do anything, I've tried.
Auraji is offline  
#19 of 24 Old 01-19-2009, 03:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
Auraji's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Hatfield, PA
Posts: 934
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by anitaj71 View Post
I don't know your history so this is another very general answer/response so please take this with a grain of salt:

When you are asked what you are doing to potty train start deferring to your dp. Say you are "doing what you can, but really, that sort of thing should be left up to dad and mom don't you think?" Personally, it drives me nuts that men are often left off the hook (generally speaking) for parenting their own children the moment they get a girlfriend/wife/partner etc.

You say that your dp is "not that kind of guy". He would turn into 'that kind of guy' very quickly if you weren't around. He would be 'that guy' if he was single. (I say this kindly )

If you hang around this forum long enough you will see that one of the biggest lessons us 'seasoned' stepmoms have learned is to leave as much of the parenting as possible up to the parents. I hope I don't sound too harsh I don't mean to. In the end, imho, potty training is not your full responsibility. Do what you can and help out. AND As a fellow stepmom that has btdt, I officially take the pressure off of you to potty train your dss. :

(and when he has one of those huge toddler poops hand him over to dad )

Oh this doesnt bother me at all. Probably the only arguments I have with DP are about how I and dss need him to be a parent.

I just want to say that is not like he's slacking because Im here and he expects me to take care of him. I mean, he is, I dont work. He works too much and I love kids more than anything, so to me it comes naturally, but still I know DSS needs dad to be a dad.

I know this sounds bad, but DP wasnt really a dad even when I wasnt part of the picture and it was just him an DSS. DP has OCD and bipolar disorder. He used to be a morphine addict, so when it came to taking care of dss he just did enough to get by. He has stopped his use of opiates and probably was in this depressive state until November and is just now coming out of it. I'm not trying to justify him, Im just telling it like it is. He lives in his world and interacting with a child, even though he loves his son more than anything, is extremely difficult for him. Specially when it comes to teaching and discipline, is not that he doesnt try, I just see him doing and I can see how frustrated he becomes about not making the connection. It's hard to put into words, because it's something I see. I always make fun of him because I tell him that Im dss and his mom, but he has plenty of issues dealing with reality and Im happy that at least he's not using drug as an escape and making more of an effort everyday to be what me and dss need him to be.

Then DSS's mom is a drug addict. Opiates and benzos. Extremely promiscuous girl, I have no problem with anyone's sex life, but it bothers me how she lets dss be affected by this. Flirts with guys in front of him, has random guys sleepover when he's there, has moved in with like 5 different guys in two years. She doesnt want to be a mom, even though she is. She tells me, in front of dss that she doesnt like little kids.

Im just gonna let DSS be, thank you for taking off the pressure
Auraji is offline  
#20 of 24 Old 01-19-2009, 03:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
Auraji's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Hatfield, PA
Posts: 934
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tilia View Post
I also wonder if it would help to see how his dad does it. A fellow boy to show him how it all works, maybe that would help him connect better?

Oh yes, definitely.

DP has already done this
Auraji is offline  
#21 of 24 Old 01-19-2009, 03:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
Auraji's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Hatfield, PA
Posts: 934
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot View Post
I think that it is going to be difficult if both houses aren't on the same page with regard to the potty situation. It sounds like you guys have a 50/50 parenting time situation, so that means that both houses have to put in 50% of the effort. And it would really help if everyone was on the same page with it.
I agree with you and this is what makes me get frustrated.

But again, Im also the only one that sits down with him to play school and teach him numbers, colors, letters, animals, let's learn how to write, let's color, let's do a puzzle...
Auraji is offline  
#22 of 24 Old 01-19-2009, 03:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
Auraji's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Hatfield, PA
Posts: 934
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smithie View Post
I think you need to refuse to take the lead on this one. Tell Mom that you'll follow whatever plan she has, and never bring it up again. Eventually (and soon!) he'll self-train even if Mom takes no initiative.

This also sets a good precedent for later developmental issues that might come up: if he needs help with handwriting, then MOM or DAD talk with the teacher, buy the needed materials or workbooks, and establish the practice schedule. You follow the schedule.

I realize that this is so so difficult to deal with if Mom's parenting is subpar and your dh just puts everything kid-related on you (which so many dhs are prone to do, mine included!) But assuming that everyone involved is a decent human being, your backing-off WILL produce an acceptable result. It may even be that Mom feels intimidated by you, if you have a more stable life and are known in the family for your stellar caregiving. It sounds like everybody needs to be reminded that you are not the mom and don't call the shots.

The issue is the decent human being part

It's such an awkward position to be in, because I disagree with so much that she does, doesnt do when it comes to raising dss, but I feel like I have no voice, on the other hand. Im probably the ONE person dss spends the most time with on a regular basis and the only one that seems to care about his development.

Im sorry I feel like the potty training thread was just me wanting to talk about all these other things, instead of the potty training.

I do that a lot
Auraji is offline  
#23 of 24 Old 01-19-2009, 08:48 PM
 
Smithie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 4,529
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
Oh, mama. (((hugs))) I'm not sure I could bring myself to stay in that situation. Joint custody is so, so hard when the Other Mother is NOT a junkie, and the Dad is NOT off in his own world.

In all seriousness, I'm not sure there's a happy ending here for you. There no such thing as a perfect life partner, but there are plenty who are more engaged in the day-to-day life of their children and don't have such massive misbehaving-ex baggage.
Smithie is offline  
#24 of 24 Old 01-20-2009, 04:08 AM - Thread Starter
 
Auraji's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Hatfield, PA
Posts: 934
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smithie View Post
Oh, mama. (((hugs))) I'm not sure I could bring myself to stay in that situation. Joint custody is so, so hard when the Other Mother is NOT a junkie, and the Dad is NOT off in his own world.

In all seriousness, I'm not sure there's a happy ending here for you. There no such thing as a perfect life partner, but there are plenty who are more engaged in the day-to-day life of their children and don't have such massive misbehaving-ex baggage.
It's not easy, but somehow it works. DP is very aware of his problems, at least now he is. We've been together for 1 1/2 years, been living together for almost a year now. He's the first guy I've ever been with for so long, first guy I ever move in with. I used to always end relationships whenever they didnt feel right, too complicated but besides all the negative factors and this being the most complicated relationship I've ever been. Considering I've never been before with someone who had a kid, a mental disorder and was a recovered drug addict, even less the three of them combined, this feels very right. It sounds weird, but I cant explain it. It just is, there has been so much growing in the time we've been together, from both our parts. And I've seen him change so much for the better. I feel that so have I.
There have been a lot of things to overcome, specially when he was coming off the morphine on the beginning of our relationship, but you know how when relationships are difficult you think to yourself "It's not supposed to be this hard, this isnt right". Well, to me it feels like our love strong and we just keep getting closer and closer.
Again, it's difficult to explain, because it's such an abstract feeling, but we have a very unique relationship and yes DP doesnt sound like the best guy in writing, but in RL he is, I dont know, more like we are perfect together. Not saying there arent problems, there are, but I find we deal with them very well. The communication, the closeness keeps improving.
DP goes off to his world, I tell him "John, come back". He's sitting right next to me, not like I call him asking him to come back home or anything like that haha and he always says that he loves how I notice and just say that. It works. The good really overcomes the bad.
I do appreciate your advice and concern, if DP was any other guy I would had probably been gone a looooong time ago, instead of finding myself more and more in love. We're the same star and the way we feel and understand each other is unexplainable.

My biggest issue is dealing with dss's mom and that I wish so much dss was with us 24/7.
Auraji is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off