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Old 01-22-2009, 11:07 PM
 
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I've been thinking about this thread a lot since I read it. I'm a step child, not a step parent, so I probably have a different view of it. I've also been close with people who suffered from different sexual addictions and had shame from suffering from them.

1. I do not view my stepdad as my parent, and he doesn't try to parent me. He doesn't view it as his job. We are fine with this arrangement. I would be annoyed if he tried to make me go to counseling, etc., though I've never done anything to warrant it. This would need to come from my parent.

2. The stepson in this situation is sexually violating his stepmother and stepsister. There is no other way around this. He needs to suffer the consequences. This is not normal behavior. This means counseling.

3. If I were the OP I would give my DH an ultimatum, but I'm VERY outspoken when it comes to feeling taken advantage of. I do not tolerate BS well. It seems the DH and bio-mom in this situation value their child's feelings over the physical and psychological safety of the OP's daughter. This is INCORRECT AND WRONG. If nothing is done, they are teaching him that it is okay to violate women.

4. I do think the stepson needs a controlled outlet for his sexual feelings. I do not think the internet is the solution. Something like a racy magazine or erotic fiction would work, because the dad would have control of what he had access to, whereas the internet access could lead him down some very scary paths.

That is my two cents. Again, I'm not a step parent, so you can take my advice or leave it.

Alicewyf: doula, wife to DH, and mama to Lillian (7/09) and Daniel (6/12).
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Old 01-22-2009, 11:15 PM
 
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Bolding mine

I didn't see anywhere where she said that she called him a pervert. She said that what he DID was perverse...which it is. Behavior...not the person. I don't know what else she could have said that would bring it home to this boy why what he did was so bad. She should have used the words, sexual violation and a few other things to really let him know that it's NOT ok. I'm sure he already knows that though. Does he understand that sexual violation is a crime? Does he understand how society sees it? Sugar coating it for him isn't helping him at all.

Also, the implication that you shouldn't call this boy on his actions because it will just cause him to go into hiding really infuriates me. He's already doing this and hiding it. It's not like he openly stole these things. Sexual violations of any kind cannot be tolerated. Also, the idea of rewarding him with his own computer so that he be sexually deviant there instead.....well, if that's not a "Boys will be boys" attitude, then I don't know what is.

Whether the frontal lobe is firmly reattached before 25 or not is irrelevent. He's sliding down a slope that is very dangerous for him. He could end up on prison if this isn't dealt with. If he gets away with this, what's to stop him from going further? Counseling would be a great start.

OP. What did his mother say to you? Was she at all embarrased? Did she apologize or seem sorry for his actions? Was her only concern that you told him what he did was perverse and dared show anger towards his actions? How does your daughter feel about this? Where you the only one to apologize to the aunt?
If you tell a 16 year old kid that what he is doing is perverse and you don't think they will take it as you calling them a pervert I don't know what to tell you.


way to ostrisize instead of heal. I can't believe how many parents think ridicule is a way to heal.

Way to read an entire thread. No one has said give this kid a pass. However a parent should never call their children names and expect a healthy relationship to form from it. If a relationship is already unhealthy, the last time I checked? name calling didn't fix it.

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Old 01-22-2009, 11:18 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Laggie View Post
I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the idea that a teenaged boy would REPEATEDLY steal tampons and underwear due to normal sexual curiosity. Once, I could chalk up to curiosity, but doing it over and over? Even after being caught doing it? That seems... off, to me.

I can't even begin to guess at what the motivation is, but I would find that very disturbing.
Who said normal?

I said sexual curiosity. It is very possible that any number of circumstances has caused him to feel ashamed to the point where he has resolved himself to these actions. We have no idea what is going on in his head, I doubt his parents do.

I find it disturbing too and I would be looking to the root of what is causing the problem and not the symptoms you are seeing.

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Old 01-22-2009, 11:22 PM
 
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Originally Posted by alicewyf View Post
I've been thinking about this thread a lot since I read it. I'm a step child, not a step parent, so I probably have a different view of it. I've also been close with people who suffered from different sexual addictions and had shame from suffering from them.

1. I do not view my stepdad as my parent, and he doesn't try to parent me. He doesn't view it as his job. We are fine with this arrangement. I would be annoyed if he tried to make me go to counseling, etc., though I've never done anything to warrant it. This would need to come from my parent.

2. The stepson in this situation is sexually violating his stepmother and stepsister. There is no other way around this. He needs to suffer the consequences. This is not normal behavior. This means counseling.

3. If I were the OP I would give my DH an ultimatum, but I'm VERY outspoken when it comes to feeling taken advantage of. I do not tolerate BS well. It seems the DH and bio-mom in this situation value their child's feelings over the physical and psychological safety of the OP's daughter. This is INCORRECT AND WRONG. If nothing is done, they are teaching him that it is okay to violate women.

4. I do think the stepson needs a controlled outlet for his sexual feelings. I do not think the internet is the solution. Something like a racy magazine or erotic fiction would work, because the dad would have control of what he had access to, whereas the internet access could lead him down some very scary paths.

That is my two cents. Again, I'm not a step parent, so you can take my advice or leave it.
I agree with everything you said here. catch 22 is this is a step child situation. If his bio mother doesn't agree with the racy magazine it takes 2 seconds to call the police on the father for providing a minor child with porn/racy magazine.

The internet is the only 'legal' option a parent has for plausible deniablity. If they could get the bio mom on board I'd agree with this previous post 100%



I too am the product of being a step child, but my step dad was hands off from the get go except the one time he tried to be hands on. Luckily that was old enough for me to defend myself and it really only happened once. If he tried to parent me I would have rebelled too. Which is why in my original post I said it should be the dad that has this talk, or a unified front. But coming from a guy it is awkward enough having those talks with your dad without your mom/step mom present.

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Old 01-22-2009, 11:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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OP. What did his mother say to you? Was she at all embarrased? Did she apologize or seem sorry for his actions? Was her only concern that you told him what he did was perverse and dared show anger towards his actions? How does your daughter feel about this? Where you the only one to apologize to the aunt?[/QUOTE]


Only thing the mother said was in anger of saying the action was perverse...and her apologize to me.....now that is a laugh...that would never happen in this world...
My daughter....she keeps her key to her room on a chain around her neck...and locks her door all the time that her sb's are here...she knows I am trying to stop this and says it is not my fault on what is happening....but that he "sure could use some sort of counseling".
My SIL was given back her belongings by my SS and did apologize...he did it quickly and walked away, but he did do it. He is not allowed at my SIL house and is not allowed to be alone w/ her little children. She is very upset and feels the same way I do...we ALL want this young man to get some help...BUT will not tolerate actions like this again.....It is time for this to stop.
My SIL has spoken to her brother and all three of us agree that it is time this young man gets some help.....my DH is to speak again to his ex tomorrow on this subject.

As for a computer in his room......NOPE.....and DH agrees....never in a million years....AND DH has also said of the "girly" magazines that they would end up at the bio mom's house and she would blow a cork and take him to court over giving his son pornography......

So do you see where the head is constantly hitting the wall here??

YES......I am going to apologize to my SS this weekend....for blowing a cork at him......not for saying it was pervous...but also explain to him how his actions make not only myself and my daughter, but also ANY NORMAL woman would feel on this......VIOLATED....
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Old 01-22-2009, 11:52 PM
 
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Originally Posted by momtostepteens View Post
OP. What did his mother say to you? Was she at all embarrased? Did she apologize or seem sorry for his actions? Was her only concern that you told him what he did was perverse and dared show anger towards his actions? How does your daughter feel about this? Where you the only one to apologize to the aunt?

Only thing the mother said was in anger of saying the action was perverse...and her apologize to me.....now that is a laugh...that would never happen in this world...
My daughter....she keeps her key to her room on a chain around her neck...and locks her door all the time that her sb's are here...she knows I am trying to stop this and says it is not my fault on what is happening....but that he "sure could use some sort of counseling".
My SIL was given back her belongings by my SS and did apologize...he did it quickly and walked away, but he did do it. He is not allowed at my SIL house and is not allowed to be alone w/ her little children. She is very upset and feels the same way I do...we ALL want this young man to get some help...BUT will not tolerate actions like this again.....It is time for this to stop.
My SIL has spoken to her brother and all three of us agree that it is time this young man gets some help.....my DH is to speak again to his ex tomorrow on this subject.

As for a computer in his room......NOPE.....and DH agrees....never in a million years....AND DH has also said of the "girly" magazines that they would end up at the bio mom's house and she would blow a cork and take him to court over giving his son pornography......

So do you see where the head is constantly hitting the wall here??

YES......I am going to apologize to my SS this weekend....for blowing a cork at him......not for saying it was pervous...but also explain to him how his actions make not only myself and my daughter, but also ANY NORMAL woman would feel on this......VIOLATED....
[/QUOTE]

If you ARE the one to broach the subject I would add something about the difference between consensual and not consensual and something my sex ed teacher touched on when i was in like 6th or 7th grade. How waiting for consensual may feel like a long hard wait but it is worth the wait to have someone feel the same about him as he does about them. Then get back on how you/your daughter feel violated because it isn't consensual.

Link the items together. I still think it should be your husband that has the talk, it will hit home better. But so long as someone does it those are a few tips. As you know with teens telling them 'don't do something' typically means they want to more, but telling a teen some form of fix to a problem makes them think about it themselves often times. not all times. but good luck on your talk. I hope it all comes out well for everyone.


I also hope that you don't see anything I said as an attack, yes I hit on the perverse comment alot, but most of that was not directed AT you, it was to the posters I was responding too.


I agree, step situation, racy magazines are a negative. But there HAS to be some outlet. like I said when i was a teenager my dad left sports illustrated and victoria's secret in the bathroom. If a magazine like THAT winds up at the bio mom's house you can say he snagged them out of your collections and you'd like them back.

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Old 01-23-2009, 01:36 AM
 
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I'm trying to find some sympathy for the biomom's actions, as I'm sure she feels attacked hearing about this from her ex's new wife and her ex-sil, and she wants to defend her son...but I keep thinking if he had done this at someone's house who was not related, their mom might have freaked out and called CPS or something, yk?

I'm sure she believes she's acting in her son's best interest here, even though I think she's not doing the right thing...and it has to be horrible to hear these things about your child.

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Old 01-23-2009, 01:46 AM
 
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OK, is it just me or are all the men commenting on this thread attacking the OP while the women are screaming that this is a BIG RED FLAG! This is disturbing behavior on a mothering site full of women. What the OP's son is doing is not OK. I don't know if it truly is a stepping stone to future acts of sexual abuse but I wouldn't just wait around for it to progress that far.

I think that how the OP reacted was a variation of normal when it comes to being a human being. Was it perfect, no, but I'm sorry, if someone was stealing my underwear and my sanitary products, I would not be using small words with them- that is just not normal (maybe the underwear stuff is some variation of normal for teenage boys but sanitary products...ummmm). This isn't the time for holding hands and natural consequences and redirecting and mincing words, this is the time for adult talk and proactive parenting on the part of the boy's father and mother. This young man is 16 not 6. He needs some counseling to at least explore what is going on because it is something and it is not just the benign "sexual curiosity" excuse. Frankly, if it really were just sexual curiosity than he should go out and by his own sanitary products- he can pretend that they're for his girlfriend.

Anyways, OP, I hope you are able to get a resolution to this. I hope most of all that his parents are proactive about investigating into this and I hope he gets whatever help he needs. I'm glad that you didn't just stay quiet about this- hopefully his parents are getting a wakeup call.
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Old 01-23-2009, 02:31 AM
 
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OK, is it just me or are all the men commenting on this thread attacking the OP while the women are screaming that this is a BIG RED FLAG!


I'm still chuckling over someone getting their boxers in a knot over the boy being called perverse, then turning around and calling me ridiculous. Pot, meet kettle. Namecalling is OK when it's you.

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Old 01-23-2009, 11:49 AM
 
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OK, is it just me or are all the men commenting on this thread attacking the OP while the women are screaming that this is a BIG RED FLAG! This is disturbing behavior on a mothering site full of women. What the OP's son is doing is not OK. I don't know if it truly is a stepping stone to future acts of sexual abuse but I wouldn't just wait around for it to progress that far.


It's just you. the difference is the guys are looking for solutions that don't involve destroying a family unit.

None of the guys have said 'don't get help' None.

So yup, just you.

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Old 01-23-2009, 01:03 PM
 
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OK, is it just me or are all the men commenting on this thread attacking the OP while the women are screaming that this is a BIG RED FLAG! This is disturbing behavior on a mothering site full of women. What the OP's son is doing is not OK. I don't know if it truly is a stepping stone to future acts of sexual abuse but I wouldn't just wait around for it to progress that far.
It's not just you, but this is a mischaracterization of what I've been saying. I was the first person to use the word "nonconsensual" in this thread. I agree that this kid needs a serious talking to. I think it needs to start from his father, though. Post 18 in this thread covers my thoughts on the subject.

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Old 01-23-2009, 05:35 PM
 
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I think I now understand the mom's who refuse to allow sleepovers at a house with a teenage boy, if MEN think stealing underwear is "normal" and not to be dealt with. I'd like the men on here to tell me how many pairs of underwear they've taken without permission.
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Old 01-23-2009, 06:36 PM
 
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I think I now understand the mom's who refuse to allow sleepovers at a house with a teenage boy, if MEN think stealing underwear is "normal" and not to be dealt with. I'd like the men on here to tell me how many pairs of underwear they've taken without permission.
Please show a post in here that states anyone thinks it isn't a problem nor it shouldnt be dealth with please?

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Old 01-23-2009, 06:41 PM
 
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ok, so i stop defending anything. Why don't those of you who are choosing to throw one liners in here to demean other peoples posts actually post some possible solutions for the OP.

Might be more productive if you actually give some insite as to how YOU would handle the situation instead of tearing apart what other people have said and not giving ANY suggestions or solutions.

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Old 01-23-2009, 07:16 PM
 
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Ran the thread past my dh.

He said if it was his ds, he would be taking him to counseling or stopping overnight visits in his home, period, rather than subject his wife and daughters to this. He also thought the idea of a computer was bizarre.

Neither of us had to deal with a NCP, so I'm not sure of the legalities....is there any legal reason why one parent can't take a child to counseling without the other parent's permission?

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Old 01-23-2009, 07:21 PM
 
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I think I now understand the mom's who refuse to allow sleepovers at a house with a teenage boy, if MEN think stealing underwear is "normal" and not to be dealt with. I'd like the men on here to tell me how many pairs of underwear they've taken without permission.
I'd be satisfied with the women in this post actually reading mine.

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Old 01-24-2009, 12:26 AM
 
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Old 01-24-2009, 04:56 PM
 
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I can sort of answer the question about how it would be sexually violating. It is the same as sexual harrassment. It isn't up tot he person who is perpetrating it to determine how the recipient will feel or respond to it. If they FEEL sexually violated, then they are. That is how it works with sexual harrassment in the work place too.


As for this situation it is up to the mom and daughter to sort out how they feel, but obviously they feel violated and that is the important part to focus on. And hopefully find solutions to resolve.

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Old 01-24-2009, 04:58 PM
 
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What are the chances that your step son possibly, and I dont want to offend ANYONE, but possibly be using the items for cross dressing or in the closet? (not the gay closet, but some other form of not coming out) Is it possible he feels transgendered and ashamed to voice it?

If that is the case then calling him a pervert is REALLY the wrong way to handle the situation. And before you say 'of course not!' really think about the possibility.

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Old 01-24-2009, 05:37 PM
 
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That's an interesting perspective that had not occurred to me.

Is he taking the things in a secretive manner, or is he taking them to call attention to the act?

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Old 01-24-2009, 06:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So far so good w/ the visit w/ the boys this weekend.....This boy came up to me, wrapped his arms around me (he is 6'4", I am 5'3") and said he had had a horrible week and how glad he was to be here.....I didn't press him on details as of yet on that one....so I calmly looked at him.....said I was glad he was here and hoped we were not going to have a repeat of last weekend....He looked at me and said "Nope, I don't want that to happen again"......I apologized for blowing up and said that he and I will have a one on one to talk about what happened...if he wants.......and he said that he does and would like it out of ear range of his dad and siblings......I agreed and said we could sit and yack while I am working this weekend (I would from home and he can help me w/ a few things here).
All I can say is that it is a little more relaxed between him and I....which is a start.
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Old 01-24-2009, 06:29 PM
 
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What are the chances that your step son possibly, and I dont want to offend ANYONE, but possibly be using the items for cross dressing or in the closet? (not the gay closet, but some other form of not coming out) Is it possible he feels transgendered and ashamed to voice it?

If that is the case then calling him a pervert is REALLY the wrong way to handle the situation. And before you say 'of course not!' really think about the possibility.
I was wondering about this myself. Has anyone thought of just buying the boy his own panties and a box of tampons?
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Old 01-24-2009, 09:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I was wondering about this myself. Has anyone thought of just buying the boy his own panties and a box of tampons?
Sorry.....it isn't going to happen....His father laughed when he saw this suggestion...
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Old 01-24-2009, 09:58 PM
 
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Sorry.....it isn't going to happen....His father laughed when he saw this suggestion...
Why not? I mean - he clearly wants them for some reason and you're rightfully not comfortable with him taking yours. It seems like the natural solution to the problem.
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Old 01-24-2009, 10:06 PM
 
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i would wait to see what happens with that talk before I worried about any of the next steps. Really glad to hear the good start you have.

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Old 01-24-2009, 10:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i would wait to see what happens with that talk before I worried about any of the next steps. Really glad to hear the good start you have.
If he doesn't open up to me, that is ok......I just want him to realize the effects of his actions on others....and that taking (stealing) is against the law.....and if he does this to someone again, there could be MAJOR reprocussions (SP?) for his actions.
If he wants these things, he can purchase them himself, keep them at his mother's house and do whatever he please with them there...WE prefer that he learns to control his actions..and understands that it is not socially acceptable.
If ppl are suspecting transgender stuff....he must hide it pretty well....he won't even think of wearing anything but jeans and tees...wouldn't be caught dead w/ anything that even remotely feminine....and is the great outdoorsman... I can't buy into the transgender thing......
I am going to wait till tomorrow to speak w/ him privately.....and if he doesn't want to open up....so be it......there is always another day.
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Old 01-24-2009, 11:13 PM
 
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If he doesn't open up to me, that is ok......I just want him to realize the effects of his actions on others....and that taking (stealing) is against the law.....and if he does this to someone again, there could be MAJOR reprocussions (SP?) for his actions.
If he wants these things, he can purchase them himself, keep them at his mother's house and do whatever he please with them there...WE prefer that he learns to control his actions..and understands that it is not socially acceptable.
If ppl are suspecting transgender stuff....he must hide it pretty well....he won't even think of wearing anything but jeans and tees...wouldn't be caught dead w/ anything that even remotely feminine....and is the great outdoorsman... I can't buy into the transgender thing......
I am going to wait till tomorrow to speak w/ him privately.....and if he doesn't want to open up....so be it......there is always another day.
I had alot of straight friends in highschool that turned out to be gay and even cross dressers. i havent heard of any having operations but this year is the 10 year, most of them went to church, had girlfriends, on the football team.

Doesn't really matter. Being a cross dresser or transgendered or even gay doesn't mean you can't fit in. I am not saying it is a sure thing, but usually people closest to the person are the last to know if they want to hide it.

Partner to :Jessica(??) papa to Jake(7) and : Kaiya (2)
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Old 01-24-2009, 11:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I know all about this......my father was gay....and having grown up with this....I have many tell tale ways of knowing this......
I feel this is a case of a young man and misunderstanding boundries....If given the help he needs, he will be fine.....and I know this in my heart and wish for it every day.
As the step parent, my hands are bound in certain ways....BUT that will always be the case, not only for myself, but for most all step parents.
After discussing this issue with both of my own brothers and also MY ex husband......they gave me a couple other points of views on this and feel because they know these kids (even my EX knows these boys pretty well) they gave me a pep talk and said to have a chat with him....but by no means to let this go and chaulk it up to curiosity...by him now going to his aunt's house and taking things, he is showing that he doesn't know boundries and that it HAS to stop NOW....before he starts going to other ppls houses and doing the same thing....others may not be so kind by just yelling at him.....he could have the crap beat out of him.
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Old 01-26-2009, 10:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, it was definately a better weekend than the one before it.

My SS and I sat and chatted while I was working...he apologized for taking things......and I apologized again for blowing up at him....I asked why he wants such things...he just shrugged and said I don't know.....he was obviously embarassed....I did ask him if he knew how he made myself, my daughter and his aunt feel by him taking and doing such things.....he just shrugged......so I told him that it felt very violating and that the trust that we had in him was in quite a bit of danger of being lost...and that I didn't think that he wanted ppl to not want him around because they couldn't trust him to not steal from them or get into their belongings....He said he didn't want that to happen...so I asked if he knew how he could show ppl that he could be trusted.....he said by stop taking things and staying out of their belongings. This is a start at least.

Now for the kicker.....his mother told him that I couldn't have the police do anything to him over this......sorry, but I worked for the court for four years and I have had all my ??s answered by someone there on this......yes, he can be picked up...and I let him know that I had already checked into it.....OK OK......don't attack me over this one.....but it is against the law.....it is called stealing, cut and dry.
His mother also told my hubby that she will look into counseling when she has time to do it....hubby reminded her that the court would not look kindly on not getting him the help he needs and if she doesn't have the time to take care of this matter that he would take care of it, so it will stop once and for all......she just told him,what do you care? it was just your wife, sister, and step daughter....he just said that he cares more for us than obviously she cares for her son....that she has three days to get an appointment for their son or he will.
Sorry this is a little lengthy, but said I would give you the scoop.
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Old 01-27-2009, 10:56 PM
 
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While I'm glad that the weekend went well, I am seriously disturbed to hear that you are still threatening to call the police/courts on your stepson. The criminal injustice system is not there to help people; it is there to punish and control. People in jail/prison (including juvenile) are abused physically, sexually and emotionally all the time. Kids thrown into the court system at a young age can be pushed over the edge from irresponsible teen behavior to much more serious problems. A criminal record sticks with people and makes it much harder for them to move forward in life; a 16 year old should not be saddled with that. And that's true for much more serious offenses then what is described here. I would consider it a total violation of trust for someone who claims to care for my well-being to also threaten to call the cops on me; I certainly would not believe that they actually care for me. I'm not surprised the mom is mad and resistant and defensive - from her perspective, someone who has a lot of power and influence in her son's life is threatening to destroy it. Of course, she should take the problem seriously and consider counseling but clearly there's no trust and she's defensive, scared and mad.

I have to say that I am truly saddened that on a board/forum dedicated to gentle, "natural" parenting that you would find parental figures threatening law enforcement on someone they have care and responsibility for. Perhaps there is an offense that would make this unavoidable, but this certainly is not it.
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