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#91 of 100 Old 01-27-2009, 11:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I think I need to clarify something to you, Bronxmom......I DID NOT THREATEN TO CALL THE COPS ON HIM....I merely clarified that what he had done WAS against the law....and that yes, his mother was wrong in saying that there was nothing that could be done by the law anyway.

I thank the people that have attempted to help me thru this situation.
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#92 of 100 Old 01-28-2009, 01:57 AM
 
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momtostepteens, I'm not going to share my own childhood situation, but I wish MY mom had acted like you are now, to protect me and to respect my feelings of violation. A lot of this thread has focused on your SS, but I think your daughter, aunt, and future women involved with your SS will directly benefit by your intervention now. Kudos to you.

The only thing you owe to others is to behave with integrity.
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#93 of 100 Old 01-28-2009, 04:04 AM
 
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Momtostepsons You've done everything right this far.

I would advice you to keep your gaurd up. Continue to lock doors. And make sure SS isn't alone with your daughter. When he spends the night, have her lock her door while she sleeps. Dead serious about that. I wouldn't take any chances with this situation. "Normal sexual curiousity"? My foot : Nothing normal about stealing panties and personal care items. What else has he done that you don't know about?

Quote:
Originally Posted by HappiMomof4 View Post

I don't care how 'normal' or how 'innocent' this is, if someone is stealing my underwear or my daughter's underwear, that's creepy and needs to be addressed especially if the 'child' is 16. I could see maybe a 12 or 13 year old be curious but 16 is a bit different and talking someone's underwear and sanitary products, is not normal in my opinion. I'm going to take a chance of getting torched here by saying I'm don't think she owes her dss an apology. This isn't the first time he has done this, it's the third. Did she lose her cool, yes....should she think next time before she reacts, yes but I think it's ok to let him know she's mad, really mad and he needs to think about that the next time he reaches for a pantyliner.
:


Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom View Post
I don't think you did anything wrong by saying that it was perverse. It is! Your daughter was invaded and her panties were stolen! Someone explained previously and it's true that it's a sexual invasion. She shouldn't have to live with that in her own house. Brother or stepbrother, he needs to know that what he did was wrong and it violated his step-sister and aunt. He might not understand how violating someone like that is such a big deal, but it he needs to know it and understand it. When children have natural curiosity, it's ok to tell them that what they're doing is socially unacceptable. Even if the feelings are normal, they have to be taught to control their urges. It's natural to masterbate also at this age, but that doesn't mean he should be allowed to do it in the living room so as not to hurt his precious ego. C'mon! Teach some boundaries.

I would not apologize to him. He needs to know that what he did was wrong and he needs to stop it. He's not 5, he's 16.
:


Quote:
Originally Posted by homewithtwinsmama View Post
I guess I will be the only one to say don't beat yourself up too badly. I say that when it comes to a young girls sexual safety, better to err on the side of overreaction. There needs to be immediate consequences. I would have driven him back to his mother the minute it was discovered and I would cancel his next visit to the home. I would have his father meet him somewhere alone and tell him that he is making his step sister very upset and uncomfortable and that he needs to stop or he will have to have private visits less often with dad. AND I would put keyed door locks on your and your daughters bedrooms and not keep said items in the bathrooms.
: Bolding mine.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Yoshua View Post
Reasoning isn't done being developped until 25. How you handle a situation like this helps this kid develop reasoning.
Ah. This is probably the line the defense attorney's use when defending a man under age 25 who rapes or molests someone Where's that puke smiley at?

Quote:
Originally Posted by tireesix View Post
I will tell you what I know.

My brother had similar issues to the boy mentioned, yeah people talked to him, were nice to him, tried all sorts, he was forever stealing stuff and nothing worked, then, he sexually assaulted me.

Of course, the boy in this thread might not do that, but its a fear I would have.
Bolding mine. I'm sorry that happened to you. But that's exactly where I come from. Things like this do happen and the SS in this situation has red flags waving. I wouldnt take any chances. I can't believe there are so many people on this board who dance around the target. "Maybe it's because of this" "Maybe it's because of that and we shouldn't be so hard on him" "It's normal sexual curiousity...." Then a year from now, we'll hear this "child" is in prison for raping someone. (Then everyone will offer ways to get him off of the charges because he didn't know any better and it was normal sexual experimentation ). Amazing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pranamama View Post
I think I now understand the mom's who refuse to allow sleepovers at a house with a teenage boy, if MEN think stealing underwear is "normal" and not to be dealt with. I'd like the men on here to tell me how many pairs of underwear they've taken without permission.
I'm one of those very proud mothers who won't allow sleepovers if boys/men will be there. Very proud. I'm the queen of distrust of men around here, when it comes to my daughter. I don't pull my fears out of thin air. My fears exsist for very good reasons. I'm very proud of my decisions to protect. my. daughter. the way I see best. Politically correct? :yawning: Nope. I'm just protecting my daughter from the dangers that are hiding in the shadows.

Good luck with everything, OP. Seriously, keep tabs on your SS and keep your mama instincts alert and keep protecting your daughter.
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#94 of 100 Old 01-28-2009, 11:17 AM
 
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I don't think this is anything as big as what you are making it. Hes a curious teen with teen girls around.

Your blowing this way out here, I mean he took some tampons? big deal.. who is this hurting exactly? Was your daughter left without any tampons?

Hes curious and your pretty much attacking him for acting like a curious teenage boy.

hes not hurting anyone, and you seem so gung hoe to lynch the kid.

And ya know what? If you keep blowing up over it, calling names about it, guess what? its just going to get worse, and once he does grow up and become a man, hes never going to forget you shaming him. He could be totally traumatized and feel like he did something dirty.

when all it was, was a curious teenager.


I didn't read this whole thread, this is merely my feelings reading the OP.

Loving Dh, Mama x 4, Surrogate mother to 5. A born 2003, M and R girl/girl twins 2006, S and C boy/girl twins born 2010. Processing/healing.
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#95 of 100 Old 01-28-2009, 12:28 PM
 
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Oh boy....man this thread! I've read it all and couldn't do that and not respond.

First of all, what an awkward situation, to say the least. I'm sorry for what you've had to go through, mama. I can totally understand what you must be feeling, believe me, and it's terribly difficult to raise that with anyone in a calm, sane kind of way, isn't it!

You know, the very first thing that occurred to me was actually the last thing that occurred to anyone else - transgender, or cross dressing. he very first thing that popped into my head was "Oh, I wonder if he is wondering about his sexual identity". Reason being, my brother (soon to be my sister I believe, now) was the most normal teenaged boy at sixteen - wore baggy clothes, listened to rap, walked like a dude, everything. Jenna is now 24 and living as a woman. Didn't see that one coming either.

So yep, I totally thought it might well be a case of one of two things: thinking about one's own sexual identity, or being curious about women's things, and how women work inside and where the heck a tampon even goes, and that coupled with a little "ooh, these are girl's panties!". Your panties, and the panties of your daughter and SIL are the most accessible panties for him to go get, aren't they. The one good thing in all of this, I suppose, is that he's not stealing them off washing lines or girl's lockers at school. He's stealing them from the people he feels most comfortable around.

Now okay, sure, the "perverse" comment I can totally see was a defensive, sudden reaction and gosh, who isn't guilty of that every now and again? It sounds like you dealt with thatwhole conversation nicely this weekend. Sometimes I think it's up to us as role models and adults to show children that while we all sometimes blow up, the best thing to do is handle it properly afterwards - he's going to face situations where he blows up and has to make good afterwards as well, in his life (which I'm sure will be just fine) - now, he has this to think back on as an example of making good after a blow up. Good job

Of course, you have to be careful when you say things like "perverse" - you know, just because to a child (which he is...) those single words can be very forming. He's very flexible, pliable right now -this is a very liquid part of his life, you know? I remember at aged nine, my father calling me a "clot" on Xmas Eve because I'd done something dumb and he was mad at me. I wrote it in my diary for the day - the one single sentence entry, and even now, seventeen years later (almost eighteen) I can still remember how much that stung and how much it affected my self esteem. It's so hard to be a parent or a step parent and do the right thing, because no matter how much people say "you're not the parent, you are not so important" - that might not be what the DSS's or DSD's think, and what we do as step parents still has the ability to shape the children just as much as bio parents. We can't wash our hands here - it can't be done.

Personally I am the only mother figure the children have. I don't feel I can do anything other than the things a mother does, because if I don't do them out of love, biomom will not either and they really will grow up without a mom. Biomom isn't involved at all and DSD especially calls me "Mom" to her friends, and DSS just kind of assumes I'm his mom, though he does know I didn't give birth to him. It's my responsibility to make sure that they grow up alright as well as their Dad's.

Anyway I digress. The one other thing I would say (as others have said) is that I don't think the internet is a good idea at all.... Personally I really don't use my net much for anything apart from to visit this forum, check my email and a few other things. I use my computer to play with Photoshop, upload pictures to my website etcetera. The internet is a strange place. For someone so malleable, it provides not only an outlet but also a number of paths into the forest, some of which are in my opinion, damaging. There's still child pornography out there, and violent pornography, sadism (which is very liekly bad news for someone so young and vulnerable himself), snuff films, rape films - all sorts. I wouldn't even think of going there. If he already was looking up naked pictures a few years ago, that's a good sign that he shouldn't be on the internet now apart from with adequate supervision. Exposing a teenaged boy to all of the resources in the entire world isn't necessarily something I'd do. If you wouldn't want it in your house, better not let it in.

For goodness sakes, I mean sure, porn isn't sex, but it's a little crazy to say that if you DON'T look at porn, you're a prude. My ex husband had an enormous problem with porn, so much so that he didn't want to DTD - he wanted to get his kicks online! Personally I have watched it in the past, but don't now. My DP doesn't either - he has a stash of old Playboys and some 1970's "How To" guides but it's not as though he brigns them out regularly lol In the 1940's, nobody had the internet and teenaged boys (and men) were still pleasuring themselves just fine. Not having porn around isn't going to damage him, lol.

You know, back in the day, you had naughty cartoon magazines as well. Why not provide him with a pencil and paper, and he can draw out his fantasies (which can be extremely theraputic) - which are obviously normal - and thereby gain a bit of relief. Or perhaps leave a copy of "Glamour" or "Vogue" lying about. The amount of clothes some of those models wear are miminal to say the least! Bingo, he has an outlet without anyone havign to slip him copies of "Hustler".

Anyway I've gone on long enough - it's only my point of view. Good luck with it all and *HUGS* to you XXX

Mama to Josie , lost 10/10/08 at 37.4 weeks .
and my rainbow baby, Isobella Mai ...born 1/12/2010 ! in profile...
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#96 of 100 Old 01-28-2009, 12:42 PM
 
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so this is a boy in an all-boy family whose mother may or may not have sexy panties or tampons laying about. ITA with a pp who mentioned buying the kid some of his own, and a nice "boy-growing-up" manual--maybe dad can hook him up with things like lotion, lube, you know--guy stuff. "here's what's okay--here's what's not, little man. chicks get their panties in a bundle when dudes run off with their personal items". Even as a young girl I might have been tempted to run off with someone's tampons just to figure them out--they are very mysterious items indeed.
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#97 of 100 Old 01-28-2009, 01:03 PM
 
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Just lurking and reading...

I am glad you were able to talk about it, hopefully he can get some help (to figure out why he is stealing and find other ways to deal with those feelings).

My step-brother (my dad's new wife's son) moved in with us when he was about 7 and my sister and I were 12/13. We actually had a good relationship at first. When my step-brother was about 13 he started stealing from my sister and I. He didn't attend school (too many behavioral problems so his mom just pulled him out) so during the day he would go through our rooms and take whatever he wanted, mostly our electronics, etc.

The adults' solution was key locks on our doors. No one ever talked to my step-brother. It seriously damaged my relationship with him and I had little to do with him afterwards. But, it would have been much much worse if it had been personal items like your step-son. My walkman was bad enough, but my underwear? I would have lost it too.

I really feel bad for my step-brother. I really think he acted out because he felt helpless in his situation (absent dad, step-dad with different rules than his mom, blended family, etc), no one seemed to care enough to do anything about it. I think he was reaching out and the people that were supposed to help him (his mother) wouldn't admit anything was wrong. He is certainly paying for it now as an adult.

What a tough situation for you and him to be in. I am glad your DH is taking it seriously now. Maybe the stealing is a sub-conscienous cry for help (though the items he is taking is nerve-wracking). At least you heard his cry and are demanding his parents take notice.
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#98 of 100 Old 01-28-2009, 08:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JayJay View Post
Oh boy....man this thread! I've read it all and couldn't do that and not respond.

First of all, what an awkward situation, to say the least. I'm sorry for what you've had to go through, mama. I can totally understand what you must be feeling, believe me, and it's terribly difficult to raise that with anyone in a calm, sane kind of way, isn't it!

You know, the very first thing that occurred to me was actually the last thing that occurred to anyone else - transgender, or cross dressing. he very first thing that popped into my head was "Oh, I wonder if he is wondering about his sexual identity". Reason being, my brother (soon to be my sister I believe, now) was the most normal teenaged boy at sixteen - wore baggy clothes, listened to rap, walked like a dude, everything. Jenna is now 24 and living as a woman. Didn't see that one coming either.

So yep, I totally thought it might well be a case of one of two things: thinking about one's own sexual identity, or being curious about women's things, and how women work inside and where the heck a tampon even goes, and that coupled with a little "ooh, these are girl's panties!". Your panties, and the panties of your daughter and SIL are the most accessible panties for him to go get, aren't they. The one good thing in all of this, I suppose, is that he's not stealing them off washing lines or girl's lockers at school. He's stealing them from the people he feels most comfortable around.

Now okay, sure, the "perverse" comment I can totally see was a defensive, sudden reaction and gosh, who isn't guilty of that every now and again? It sounds like you dealt with thatwhole conversation nicely this weekend. Sometimes I think it's up to us as role models and adults to show children that while we all sometimes blow up, the best thing to do is handle it properly afterwards - he's going to face situations where he blows up and has to make good afterwards as well, in his life (which I'm sure will be just fine) - now, he has this to think back on as an example of making good after a blow up. Good job

Of course, you have to be careful when you say things like "perverse" - you know, just because to a child (which he is...) those single words can be very forming. He's very flexible, pliable right now -this is a very liquid part of his life, you know? I remember at aged nine, my father calling me a "clot" on Xmas Eve because I'd done something dumb and he was mad at me. I wrote it in my diary for the day - the one single sentence entry, and even now, seventeen years later (almost eighteen) I can still remember how much that stung and how much it affected my self esteem. It's so hard to be a parent or a step parent and do the right thing, because no matter how much people say "you're not the parent, you are not so important" - that might not be what the DSS's or DSD's think, and what we do as step parents still has the ability to shape the children just as much as bio parents. We can't wash our hands here - it can't be done.

Personally I am the only mother figure the children have. I don't feel I can do anything other than the things a mother does, because if I don't do them out of love, biomom will not either and they really will grow up without a mom. Biomom isn't involved at all and DSD especially calls me "Mom" to her friends, and DSS just kind of assumes I'm his mom, though he does know I didn't give birth to him. It's my responsibility to make sure that they grow up alright as well as their Dad's.

Anyway I digress. The one other thing I would say (as others have said) is that I don't think the internet is a good idea at all.... Personally I really don't use my net much for anything apart from to visit this forum, check my email and a few other things. I use my computer to play with Photoshop, upload pictures to my website etcetera. The internet is a strange place. For someone so malleable, it provides not only an outlet but also a number of paths into the forest, some of which are in my opinion, damaging. There's still child pornography out there, and violent pornography, sadism (which is very liekly bad news for someone so young and vulnerable himself), snuff films, rape films - all sorts. I wouldn't even think of going there. If he already was looking up naked pictures a few years ago, that's a good sign that he shouldn't be on the internet now apart from with adequate supervision. Exposing a teenaged boy to all of the resources in the entire world isn't necessarily something I'd do. If you wouldn't want it in your house, better not let it in.

For goodness sakes, I mean sure, porn isn't sex, but it's a little crazy to say that if you DON'T look at porn, you're a prude. My ex husband had an enormous problem with porn, so much so that he didn't want to DTD - he wanted to get his kicks online! Personally I have watched it in the past, but don't now. My DP doesn't either - he has a stash of old Playboys and some 1970's "How To" guides but it's not as though he brigns them out regularly lol In the 1940's, nobody had the internet and teenaged boys (and men) were still pleasuring themselves just fine. Not having porn around isn't going to damage him, lol.

You know, back in the day, you had naughty cartoon magazines as well. Why not provide him with a pencil and paper, and he can draw out his fantasies (which can be extremely theraputic) - which are obviously normal - and thereby gain a bit of relief. Or perhaps leave a copy of "Glamour" or "Vogue" lying about. The amount of clothes some of those models wear are miminal to say the least! Bingo, he has an outlet without anyone havign to slip him copies of "Hustler".

Anyway I've gone on long enough - it's only my point of view. Good luck with it all and *HUGS* to you XXX
What a well thought out, reasonable, and fair post. I completely agree.
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#99 of 100 Old 01-29-2009, 01:19 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MayBaby2007 View Post

Ah. This is probably the line the defense attorney's use when defending a man under age 25 who rapes or molests someone Where's that puke smiley at?

:Puke

It's right there.

That being said my statement was saying how you deal with this now will affect his reasoning for life.


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#100 of 100 Old 01-30-2009, 02:33 PM
 
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I am having a difficult time comprehending DSS motivation for stealing tampons and underwear. OK, the motivation for the tampons is a bit unclear, but as far as underwear... there's a reason why eBay had to ban the sale of used undergarments [which unfortunately means no used cloth diapers, either]. Men were purchasing used women's underwear and presumably using them for sexual stimulation. In your case, where DSS is taking them without your permission, I agree with this post:

Quote:
Originally Posted by plunky View Post
Your stepson probably feels very powerless and unsure about sex. It's normal at that age. And maybe a lot older. But he needs to learn that he's becoming a man, and becoming a man has certain responsbilities associated with it. It is a fact that date rape is common. And it is a fact that men are very often sexual aggressors. Women and girls commonly have nonconsensual sexual experiences. And that's wrong. Enthusiastic consent is the goal. Anything less than enthusiastic consent should result in no sex act. Since youd didn't tell him that he could take your underwear, there was no consent here, enthusiastic or otherwise.
However, I think calling the police--or threatening to--is definitely uncalled for. (TBH, I think calling the police is almost always uncalled for, but I agree with Bronxmom:

Quote:
Originally Posted by bronxmom View Post
While I'm glad that the weekend went well, I am seriously disturbed to hear that you are still threatening to call the police/courts on your stepson. The criminal injustice system is not there to help people; it is there to punish and control. People in jail/prison (including juvenile) are abused physically, sexually and emotionally all the time. Kids thrown into the court system at a young age can be pushed over the edge from irresponsible teen behavior to much more serious problems. A criminal record sticks with people and makes it much harder for them to move forward in life; a 16 year old should not be saddled with that. And that's true for much more serious offenses then what is described here. I would consider it a total violation of trust for someone who claims to care for my well-being to also threaten to call the cops on me; I certainly would not believe that they actually care for me. I'm not surprised the mom is mad and resistant and defensive - from her perspective, someone who has a lot of power and influence in her son's life is threatening to destroy it. Of course, she should take the problem seriously and consider counseling but clearly there's no trust and she's defensive, scared and mad.

I have to say that I am truly saddened that on a board/forum dedicated to gentle, "natural" parenting that you would find parental figures threatening law enforcement on someone they have care and responsibility for. Perhaps there is an offense that would make this unavoidable, but this certainly is not it.
To which you replied that you didn't threaten that (
Quote:
Originally Posted by momtostepteens View Post
I think I need to clarify something to you, Bronxmom......I DID NOT THREATEN TO CALL THE COPS ON HIM....
) but if I might remind you in your OP you stated:
Quote:
Originally Posted by momtostepteens View Post
I have forwarned everyone.....including the parents that if I find this again, I am calling the police and having him picked up.....I have hit my end of the fence on this one......SOMEONE has to do something about this and no one seems to think that there is anything wrong...
So I think you've done the right thing as per your updates. I get that step-parenting puts one in a unique position of not usually being welcome to "discipline" the step-children, however, as I don't believe in involving police and courts and third parties in general whenever it can be avoided--I think if a person feels violated, their first step whenever possible should be to confront the violator personally and sort the issue out with them. Just because your the step-parent to this boy, doesn't mean you don't have a right to defend yourself and your daughter. If it were a neighbour's son doing the same thing, and the mother would not talk to him about it, I would still feel compelled to convey that it is not OK for him to be taking my daughter's things. Obviously sometimes when the issue is very emotional and raw, it is easier to ask a loved one to mediate or step to do the negotiating for you... so in your case it would've been good if your DH stepped in. But I think it's good that you talked to the boy about how he is violating yours and your daughter's privacy and that taking those personal items is an inappropriate way to satisfy his curiousity... It might not be your place to make major parenting decisions that aren't affecting you, but talking to him about him taking your things is affecting you and you have a right to talk about it, especially if your husband isn't stepping in and doing it.
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