Have any of your DSC said they didn't want to visit anymore? Help! - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#31 of 50 Old 02-09-2009, 12:25 AM
Banned
 
ginger_rodgers's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 439
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Oh, how upsetting. I'm sorry you're all going through this. But:

1. Four can be HORRIBLE. Seriously.
2. It's very likely she'll have forgotten all of this within a few years.
3. Kids don't have to remember their parents being together to want them back together.
4. Often with a new sib there's a honeymoon period followed by the "take him back to the hospital" backlash.

If she continues to be really distraught, I'd ease up on the visits and have your dh visit with her elsewhere at special places for a couple of times, to show that she's important, followed by a firm "this is your sister, we are a family" message.

A few visits to a play therapist can help, too. A good therapist really can work magic.

Also keep in mind that the questions about whether you're Kallie's mommy may be a way of asking whether her daddy is still her daddy. At four, my dd insisted that her father could not remarry, because he'd have a baby with the lady, and then he'd be that baby's daddy and not hers.
ginger_rodgers is offline  
#32 of 50 Old 02-10-2009, 07:55 PM
 
aricha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Vermont
Posts: 1,166
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We have never considered parenting time as something that is negotiable. There are some things in children's lives that they don't make decisions about... children come with adults for a reason, because there are some decisions adults need to make to keep children safe and healthy. Children live in the moment, and are not thinking about the big picture or the long term. Parenting time and custody schedules are big picture things, long term investments... grown-up decisions.

If my step-daughter had said she wanted me to give her newborn little brother to another family, I wouldn't have considered that request... If she told my husband that she hated me and wanted me to move out, he wouldn't have divorced me to comply with her wishes. We would have worked hard to figure out why she was saying what she was saying, what she was telling us with her behavior, what she was trying to let us know she needed. I see this as the same situation.

One thing that helped us when we had transition troubles (crying and clinging at pick-up or being upset mid-parenting time and talking about going to the other house) was to change the pick-up routine to something new that could be regular and predictible. We had morning pick-ups, so when we picked up we went to breakfast at the bagel place then dropped me off at work and the kids went home with Papa for some playtime. When mom picked up she went to the coffee shop for a scone then to do some fun errands before heading home.

It also sounds like she is working through a lot of stuff in her head. When she says something or asks a question, don't feel like you need to react or to answer... sometimes it works better to reflect back what they said and to engage in conversation about it. For example, if she is asking about you being Kallie's mom, you might say "It can be really confusing that I am your sister's mom, but not your mom." Then talk about moms, about what you DO in the family that is like a mom or not like a mom. Ask her what it is like to have a mom and a step-mom. She might just need to talk about it, and sometimes supplying answers or reacting with our own feelings can shut down a child who is just needing to work through something.

Play therapy can be amazing, too, if you feel like you need more help than you (parents) are able to give.

Parenting four little monkeys (11, 8, 6, and 4) with the love of my life. Making it up as I go.
aricha is offline  
#33 of 50 Old 02-13-2009, 11:41 AM
 
smibbo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Georgia, USA
Posts: 97
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
Well, he asked/explained that if she didm't want to come here anymore that would mean she would not see any of us anymore and she said okay she doesn't want to see us.
That's exactly what I'm talking about; she said "I don't want to come to your HOUSE" and he said "well then you won't see me"

Sorry but I don't think that's right. Basically your husband is saying that if she doesn't like the rest of the family she can opt out of spending time with her dad. What's wrong with picking her up and taking her somewhere just the two of them? I don't understand why you are both insisting that she associate her father-daughter time as a package deal. Of course you don't want to give in to every little request but if she's basically saying she wants daddy all to herself, I don't think she's expecting too much for that to occasionally happen.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
Also just found out... when DH called her Mom on Friday when she said this she told her Mom that Daddy said she can't come anymore.

So why did she lie to her Mom then?
From her point of view, she didn't lie; she made a statement about going to his HOUSE and he basically told her "house = daddy" which she knows isn't true. Dad was the one who decided she wouldn't come becuase he didn't want to negotiate the arrangement of how their visit would go. She didn't lie - Dad decided for her by being non-flexible and choosing to stay home rather than see her outside the house.


Quote:
Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
She has been spending one-on-one time with DH in afternoons when I go up to our bedroom to nurse and nap with DD, this is typically three hours.
She's still in YOUR house and just because you walk out of the room doesn't mean she feels its secure daddy-only time.
smibbo is offline  
#34 of 50 Old 02-13-2009, 11:48 AM
 
smibbo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Georgia, USA
Posts: 97
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
here's a similar situation; my best friend of many years has come to realize that she does not like my husband. In fact, she can't stand him. I respect her feelings, she has her reasons. She also respects my feelings, she knows I have good reasons for being with my hhusband. However, I don't expect her to come to visit me when he is here. If she runs across him, she will be civil and there will be times when they will have to deal with one another and being adults they can handle that. But neither would I stop seeing her (Because she won't cometo my house) nor would I divorce my husband (because she doesn't like him)

Its common courtesy to be willing to adjust visting someone based on both people's preferences. If she cannot enjoy her visits with daddy because of the living situation (sibling, step parents etc) then she can still see daddy occasionally. Its sad if she's willing to forego the whole weekend because of her feelings (4yr olds have very strong feelings and you can't talk themout of it) but she'll adjust... I think it's expecting too much to want HER to do all the changes at only four years old. Dad should make some accomodations too. That's what you do with children soemtimes.That's what you do with anyone you love.
smibbo is offline  
#35 of 50 Old 02-13-2009, 12:31 PM
 
greenemami's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: PA
Posts: 1,769
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 9 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by smibbo View Post
That's exactly what I'm talking about; she said "I don't want to come to your HOUSE" and he said "well then you won't see me"

Sorry but I don't think that's right. Basically your husband is saying that if she doesn't like the rest of the family she can opt out of spending time with her dad. What's wrong with picking her up and taking her somewhere just the two of them? I don't understand why you are both insisting that she associate her father-daughter time as a package deal. Of course you don't want to give in to every little request but if she's basically saying she wants daddy all to herself, I don't think she's expecting too much for that to occasionally happen.


From her point of view, she didn't lie; she made a statement about going to his HOUSE and he basically told her "house = daddy" which she knows isn't true. Dad was the one who decided she wouldn't come becuase he didn't want to negotiate the arrangement of how their visit would go. She didn't lie - Dad decided for her by being non-flexible and choosing to stay home rather than see her outside the house.



She's still in YOUR house and just because you walk out of the room doesn't mean she feels its secure daddy-only time.

Sorry for the long quote-
While I you may have a point about how dsd is percieving this, I kind of feel like you are reading too much into those comments. First off, I seriously doubt that the OP's dh intended to tell his daughter that she could only see him at his house. Perhaps he wasn't thinking out of the box at the moment, but it sounds like he was just trying to explain to her what it meant to cancel the visitation, not to say, well this is your only option to see me. Could a four-year-old have taken it that way? Possibly, but it is also possible she, at that moment, didn't care about seeing her dad. Because 4-year-old's don't have a clear view of the future, and as she's going back to her mom's she might have only been thinking that she wants her mom. This doesn't mean she was thinking that she never wanted to see her dad again or that she was thinking her dad was rejecting her.
As for the lying, she is confused, hurt, 4-year-old making a big adjustment. Wires get crossed, things get misinterpreted.
Anyway, so I grant you that you might be right about how the dsd is interpreting these events, but I also think it is a little harsh to act like the dad was purposefully rejecting his daughter. I'm sure he was hurt in that moment too and might not have been thinking as clearly as possible.
I agree that she needs some private daddy time, but I also think it is very important to spend time with the rest of the family too. Maybe just a little at atime, but this is her stepmom and sister. HER SISTER!!!!!! So yes, lots of daddy time, but maybe not at the expense of all the time with her family. That is not really fair to anyone, not to mention that if the OP"s dh is gone all weekend with his dd, he misses out on the weekend with his wife and other daughter.

Single mama namaste.gif to dd dust.gifand ds fencing.gif, loving my dsd always reading.gif .
greenemami is online now  
#36 of 50 Old 02-13-2009, 02:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
Phoenix~Mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Lehigh Valley, PA
Posts: 5,306
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by greenemami View Post
Sorry for the long quote-
While I you may have a point about how dsd is percieving this, I kind of feel like you are reading too much into those comments. First off, I seriously doubt that the OP's dh intended to tell his daughter that she could only see him at his house. Perhaps he wasn't thinking out of the box at the moment, but it sounds like he was just trying to explain to her what it meant to cancel the visitation, not to say, well this is your only option to see me. Could a four-year-old have taken it that way? Possibly, but it is also possible she, at that moment, didn't care about seeing her dad. Because 4-year-old's don't have a clear view of the future, and as she's going back to her mom's she might have only been thinking that she wants her mom. This doesn't mean she was thinking that she never wanted to see her dad again or that she was thinking her dad was rejecting her.
As for the lying, she is confused, hurt, 4-year-old making a big adjustment. Wires get crossed, things get misinterpreted.
Anyway, so I grant you that you might be right about how the dsd is interpreting these events, but I also think it is a little harsh to act like the dad was purposefully rejecting his daughter. I'm sure he was hurt in that moment too and might not have been thinking as clearly as possible.
I agree that she needs some private daddy time, but I also think it is very important to spend time with the rest of the family too. Maybe just a little at atime, but this is her stepmom and sister. HER SISTER!!!!!! So yes, lots of daddy time, but maybe not at the expense of all the time with her family. That is not really fair to anyone, not to mention that if the OP"s dh is gone all weekend with his dd, he misses out on the weekend with his wife and other daughter.
Bolding ming... Thanks greenemami.

Seriously, she gets one-on-one Daddy time... I have even suggested to my DH that he take her out or do a special craft with her or something during DD's and I's nap time.

But I simply cannot agree nor buy into that DSD can negotiate the rest of her family. Sorry, she did not choose to have a StepMom, but no child gets to choose their parents. And it is not her step-sister... it is her sister... she should not get to just never see her sister because it's too hard or whatever right now.

Think of an intact family and 4 year old receives new sibling and for some reason are now mad at their Mom because she had another baby... And said 4 year old decides to tell Daddy that they should run away together because she doesn't want to see Mommy or baby anymore... I really really doubt Daddy would say "okay you don't have to see Mommy or your baby sibling anymore we will run away together."

Just because this is a blended family, why should the rules change? This is still her family. Period. I have been in her life for a year and a half now and me and her new sister are not going anywhere. I understand it's hard to adjust to new things... but I am no longer new in her world... her sister is, but people of intact and blended families get new siblings all the time and they don't get to tell the rest of their family to go elsewhere because they are having a hard time adapting. They have to stay and live with their new sibling and work it out. I think the same should go here.

ribbonpurple.gif  Proud Single Mama, Birth & Postpartum Doula

Student, Aspiring CNM 
treehugger.gif  DD ~ 1/7/09   shamrocksmile.gif  DS ~ 9/22/10

Phoenix~Mama is offline  
#37 of 50 Old 02-13-2009, 02:50 PM
 
MeloMama08's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Bronx, NY
Posts: 350
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hey JSMA, congrats on the new babe.

Hugs to you for dealing with this. I still think it's a miracle (and totally unexpected) that we haven't gone through anything like this with DSD. She was 6.5 when DD was born though so that's a bit older...

Anyway one idea I thought of is that DSD loves to draw and she always draws pictures of me, her dad, her, and the baby.... Maybe you could do some art therapy with your DSD to help her get her feelings out, and help you get to the bottom of what she's feeling?

Also does your DH ever visit her during the week? My DP often goes over in the evening and hangs out with her for an hour or two, maybe gets food or plays outside if it's nice.... This helps keep the specialness of their relationship and shows her that she still has his undivided attention sometimes. Right now, I think that upholding that relationship is more important than her bonding with you or the new baby. It will be several months before she can really interact with her sister, anyway...

I agree that this is her family too, hate it or love it, but I think that her visits will go more smoothly if she has more of her dad's attention and you make yourself scarce. Another thing that has worked for us is me having sometime with DSD and DD withOUT DH. That way no one is vying for his attention and we can just be girls together.

Good luck, stay strong mama!!! You are doing a great job.

PS what ever happened with the baby shower?
MeloMama08 is offline  
#38 of 50 Old 02-13-2009, 08:58 PM
 
ProtoLawyer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,004
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
Just because this is a blended family, why should the rules change? This is still her family. Period. I have been in her life for a year and a half now and me and her new sister are not going anywhere. I understand it's hard to adjust to new things... but I am no longer new in her world... her sister is, but people of intact and blended families get new siblings all the time and they don't get to tell the rest of their family to go elsewhere because they are having a hard time adapting. They have to stay and live with their new sibling and work it out. I think the same should go here.
This, exactly.
I wonder how people would react if someone posted:
"I just had a baby with my new DH. My DD, 4, from my previous relationship, isn't taking it so well. She told me she wants to go live with Daddy. I suspect it's because he's single and when they visit EOW, he's all Disneyland--he's well meaning and not dangerous or anything, but they go to the zoo and the mall and the dog park a lot more than we can, KWIM?, and when DD is here, I'm distracted by the baby and can't pay her the attention she was used to, and it shows. This is heartbreaking."

I suspect nobody would say, "maybe your DD should go live with her Daddy right now because he can give her the attention she needs...and maybe you can visit on weekends and a couple dinners a week, but make sure you leave your baby and DH at home because you don't want her to feel your love is conditional upon their presence."

No, the answer would be, "oh, mama, that's so tough...my kids are both with my DH but my DS1 had a hard time when DS2 was born, and here's what we did to make the adjustment easier...."

Sure, there are differences in adding a sibling in a blended versus a nuclear family, but that doesn't mean you upend all your routines (especially ones that are court-ordered) just because it's the NCP's child who's having trouble adjusting.

ProtoLawyer (the now-actual lawyer, this isn't legal advice,  please don't take legal advice from some anonymous yahoo on the Internet)
Spouse (the political geek) * Stepdaughter (the artist) * and introducing...the Baby (um, he's a baby? He likes shiny things).
ProtoLawyer is offline  
#39 of 50 Old 02-14-2009, 03:11 PM
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 4,742
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I agree exactly with what Protolawyer said.

love.gif

pinksprklybarefoot is offline  
#40 of 50 Old 02-14-2009, 07:29 PM
 
junipermuse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,165
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by JSMa View Post


Think of an intact family and 4 year old receives new sibling and for some reason are now mad at their Mom because she had another baby... And said 4 year old decides to tell Daddy that they should run away together because she doesn't want to see Mommy or baby anymore... I really really doubt Daddy would say "okay you don't have to see Mommy or your baby sibling anymore we will run away together."
I think it's unfair to continually compare your family situation to an intact family. I grew up in a blended family, and I can tell you that although the addition of any new sibling is stressful, a new baby in your non-primary household comes with a great number of additional worries and stresses. Of course in an intact family a child wouldn't be given the option of not living with her mother and new sibling, but this situation is different and there are a number of options available besides just insisting that she conform to your expectations. Is it possible that in this very stressful she needs the comfort of her primary caregiver? Of cours she needs to continue to have visits with you and dad and her new sister, but they should be modified to be as un-stressful as positive for dsd. Maybe te visits could be shorter but more frequent. You all could drive out to spend one day every weekend with her rather than 2 days every other weekend. Dad could make extra short visits during the week. I would concentrate on having a greater quantity of short positive visits with her until she feels secure enough to return to the former schedule.

Jennifer, mama to darling dancing Juliette, and sweet baby Jameson
junipermuse is offline  
#41 of 50 Old 02-14-2009, 08:13 PM
 
mandib50's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: my own reality
Posts: 4,860
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
Just because this is a blended family, why should the rules change? This is still her family. Period. I have been in her life for a year and a half now and me and her new sister are not going anywhere. I understand it's hard to adjust to new things... but I am no longer new in her world... her sister is, but people of intact and blended families get new siblings all the time and they don't get to tell the rest of their family to go elsewhere because they are having a hard time adapting. They have to stay and live with their new sibling and work it out. I think the same should go here.
true ... at the same though, it may be really hard for your dsd to make sense of the fact that her new baby sister gets to live with her dad all the time and she doesn't, which does make it different than what siblings in intact families experience.

i liked junipermuse's suggestions, maybe just for a short period of time trying a modified schedule of visit's could help the adjustment for your dsd.

good luck - it sounds so tricky trying to meet the needs of everyone involved.

Midwifery student , Mama to my 4 amazing kids. treehugger.gif

mandib50 is offline  
#42 of 50 Old 02-14-2009, 08:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
Phoenix~Mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Lehigh Valley, PA
Posts: 5,306
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
DH can't do visits during the week... He works at night and is home while she is in school. Weekends that DSD is with her Mom they go away to her boyfriend's parents house and I know she won't change that. So the visitation is what it is. I don't think changing out weekends to only a couple hours would help DSD at all.

Also... I'm still trying to understand why family isn't family period? I understand that it may be hard for DSD that she can't live with her Dad all the time and this makes things a little differently... but I still strongly feel that allowing her to negotiate time spent with him and the rest of her family is setting a terrible precident that she can pick and choose who her family is. We are no less important in her life.


FYI... so far this weekend is going much better.

ribbonpurple.gif  Proud Single Mama, Birth & Postpartum Doula

Student, Aspiring CNM 
treehugger.gif  DD ~ 1/7/09   shamrocksmile.gif  DS ~ 9/22/10

Phoenix~Mama is offline  
#43 of 50 Old 02-15-2009, 12:51 PM
 
kblackstone444's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: MA
Posts: 3,837
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
Also... I'm still trying to understand why family isn't family period? I understand that it may be hard for DSD that she can't live with her Dad all the time and this makes things a little differently... but I still strongly feel that allowing her to negotiate time spent with him and the rest of her family is setting a terrible precident that she can pick and choose who her family is. We are no less important in her life.
I agree completely.

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
kblackstone444 is offline  
#44 of 50 Old 02-15-2009, 03:20 PM
 
aricha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Vermont
Posts: 1,166
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I can think of SO many things my 4-yr-old would rather not do or places he would rather not go that are not choices for him. I would hate to give him the message that he runs the world at this young age...

When the new baby is born, he might not want to keep it. When he goes to Kindergarten, he might decide he doesn't like it and doesn't want to go to school anymore. It's quite possible that one day he will tell us he wants to live with my step-daughter's mother. He may one day tell me he hates me and wishes I wasn't his mother anymore. Despite his pleas, we are unlikely to give the new baby up for adoption, let him move in with my husband's ex, let him drop out of Kindergarten, or get divorced so he can have a new mother.

My job is not to give him what he wants when he wants it. My job is to help him navigate his feelings, understand why he is feeling the way he feels, and advocate for him until his can advocate for himself when there is something that he needs to be different. I have no problem working through things to find ways to make them better for him, helping him set boundaries or tell us what he wants. I do, however, have a problem making adult decisions based on the whim of a 4-yr old.

Parenting four little monkeys (11, 8, 6, and 4) with the love of my life. Making it up as I go.
aricha is offline  
#45 of 50 Old 02-15-2009, 03:45 PM
 
homewithtwinsmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Maryland
Posts: 3,331
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
So this weekend did not go very well at all. It started when DH picked DSD up from her Mom's house Friday night. She started crying in the car and said she didn't want to come over anymore. DH asked her if she was sure about that and said that would mean she wouldn't see us or her sister anymore and she said yes she did not want to see us anymore. He called her Mom and told her what DSD said and I guess Mom talked to her and she did come for her visit.

Well, this weekend all DSD did was act out, she peed her pants, drew all over her walls in her room, threw away food and lied about it...

When we took her home last night DH was talking to her and said, "this weekend didn't go so great, maybe next visit we can work on having a better time." To which DSD responded, "I'm not coming back." He asked her again and explained again what her words meant and she said she did not want to come visit anymore.

So we go inside and tell her Mom what happened again and her Mom said she can't mean that and asked DSD why she was acting out over the weekend. DSD said because she didn't want to be there.

Her Mom said she was going to call the peditrician today to see if he had any ideas...

I'm turning to you guys. Is this normal acting out behavior because of a new sibling? Is it something more?

DH has definitely been still playing with his daughter when she visits. My parents came over Saturday night and each took turns coloring with DSD. We took her shopping on Saturday for new pajamas and other things. She certainly is not neglected, nor ignored at our house.

My heart is breaking for my DH... he is beyond upset over this and doesn't know what to do. He is very torn with if he should abide by his daughter's wishes and not push visitation right now or what... But she is only 4.5! What is going on?

Some other notes, most of her conversations with us revolve around going home to her Mom's house, when her Daddy lived with her Mommy when she was a baby (which I'm not sure how she would remember this, they split up when she was barely 2, someone had to have told her), and asking if Kallie is my daughter and if I am Kallie's Mommy.

I'm just stumped... I think a lot of it is confusion and anger... but what do we do about it? We have done our best to make sure she is still treated the same here and that she has plenty of time to play with Daddy...

Has anyone dealt with this before? Help please!

This is new baby stuff for sure! Just have Dad do things alone with her for a while. Not at your house and not with the baby. Then slowly you occasionally go on an outing with them, with baby. Give her time. She just sees baby getting to live with dad full time and she doesn't and she is acting out. I would say therapist rather than ped is called for here. A really good play therapy counselor would be able to get to what is going on in a non-threatening way.
homewithtwinsmama is offline  
#46 of 50 Old 02-15-2009, 06:29 PM
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 4,742
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by homewithtwinsmama View Post
This is new baby stuff for sure! Just have Dad do things alone with her for a while. Not at your house and not with the baby. Then slowly you occasionally go on an outing with them, with baby. Give her time. She just sees baby getting to live with dad full time and she doesn't and she is acting out. I would say therapist rather than ped is called for here. A really good play therapy counselor would be able to get to what is going on in a non-threatening way.
If it is a problem with the new baby, in an intact family, what would you do? Move the kid out of the house?

I think that it sends the wrong message to keep her away from what should be viewed, ultimately, as her other home. The more disruptive the baby is (and keeping DSD out of the house is disruptive to the schedule), the longer it will take for her to get used to the new baby. The more normal things feel, the faster the baby will feel like a normal part of the family for her.

love.gif

pinksprklybarefoot is offline  
#47 of 50 Old 02-15-2009, 10:24 PM
 
aricha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Vermont
Posts: 1,166
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot View Post
If it is a problem with the new baby, in an intact family, what would you do?
This made me think that, while the assumption is that she is having a hard time with having to share DAD with the new baby, maybe she is having a hard time having to share "her Jen" with the new baby. Maybe she needs some one-on-one with her loving, doting, devoted step-mom, who she has never had to share before.

Parenting four little monkeys (11, 8, 6, and 4) with the love of my life. Making it up as I go.
aricha is offline  
#48 of 50 Old 02-16-2009, 01:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
Phoenix~Mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Lehigh Valley, PA
Posts: 5,306
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by aricha View Post
This made me think that, while the assumption is that she is having a hard time with having to share DAD with the new baby, maybe she is having a hard time having to share "her Jen" with the new baby. Maybe she needs some one-on-one with her loving, doting, devoted step-mom, who she has never had to share before.

You know Aricha... I think you may be onto something...

This weekend went much better than the previous weekend. DH kept DSD pretty busy with different projects, but I did take notice that DSD would come up and snuggle me a lot, which she doesn't always do. And anytime I was busy with baby she would make a point to call me to do something, or get my attention somehow.

I think we all have glossed over that DSD was also very used to my undivided attention. And because of my DH's work schedule, a good portion of Friday nights used to be just her and I. We'd generally go somewhere for dinner or make dinner together, and it'd just be her and I. I'd always help her with her bath too. Friday's of just her and I have not happened since the baby has been here, and neither has bath time. I was able to do my normal story time with her a couple times, but sometimes it gets cut short or DH takes over because DD starts fussing and I have to go nurse her.

So really, I think DSD is adjusting to having to share BOTH her Daddy and her Jen, and I think having DH go see her by himself would be even worse for DSD.

ribbonpurple.gif  Proud Single Mama, Birth & Postpartum Doula

Student, Aspiring CNM 
treehugger.gif  DD ~ 1/7/09   shamrocksmile.gif  DS ~ 9/22/10

Phoenix~Mama is offline  
#49 of 50 Old 02-16-2009, 01:14 PM
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 4,742
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by aricha View Post
This made me think that, while the assumption is that she is having a hard time with having to share DAD with the new baby, maybe she is having a hard time having to share "her Jen" with the new baby. Maybe she needs some one-on-one with her loving, doting, devoted step-mom, who she has never had to share before.
This is a really good point!

love.gif

pinksprklybarefoot is offline  
#50 of 50 Old 02-18-2009, 02:01 AM
 
Smithie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 4,529
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
"Also... I'm still trying to understand why family isn't family period?"

The fact that you even have to ask that shows what a positive, functional shared custody situation you've helped to create for dsd so far. I'm glad this past weekend was better! And I totally agree that we all overlooked the fact that dsd was having to adjust to sharing YOU, not just sharing her father.

But no, family is not family period. When a marriage breaks up, sometimes the result is two sets of parents and two households which the child considers home, and sometimes the child ends up with one home, one family (often with the addition of a new spouse of the custodial parent), and a NCP with a new spouse and kids who are hopefully not a huge emotional burden, but ultimately not much of a factor in the daily life of the children they had with the first spouse. I'm glad that the former is your goal, but the latter is not necessarily tragic. There are a whole variety of relationship patterns that children whose parents have split up find workable.

"We are no less important in her life."

Trying to be "as important" to a toddler as her primary caregiver is probably not the direction you want to go in. What matters is that she has all the love and attention and security she needs, from whatever quarter it is forthcoming.
Smithie is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off