Introducing my new guy to my small children? UPD #35 - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 44 Old 02-19-2009, 02:18 PM
 
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Thank you. I wasn't trying to say that ALL kids have unconditional love from a parent, just that I believe such a relationship to be possible in a way that I don't think it's possible between adults. And I think that distinction can made by a single mama who is considering introducing a boyfriend - "you and me are forever, no doubt, and Bill is around right now and we like him and we can hope that he always will be. But his presence in your life has nothing to do with my presence, upon which you can count."
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#32 of 44 Old 02-19-2009, 11:18 PM
 
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I really think it's best to trust your judgement on this Seie and allow the natural progression of your relationship to lead the way. If this man is serious about being in your life, a natural meeting time/place will emerge in a way that will work for everyone and won't require a lot of effort.

There is a natural flow to life and things that happen, whether we like them or not. The best example we can ever set for our children is to let them experience the natural flow of life be there to help them through it the best we can.

In my life, people have come, people have gone, people have lived, people have died, people have had to move away, people have chosen to just disappear. Sometimes it's hurt, sometimes it's been mutual, sometimes I've hurt others. But, it is a real part of life on this planet and I am grateful for my parents who helped me through it when I was younger and friends who've helped me through it as I got older.

Preventing a child from experiencing this as a means of 'protecting them' has the potential to backfire and falsely lead the child to believe the world is a different way than it really is.

I don't find either extreme to be a positive experience for a child. Having a revolving door of partners or having our child really bond with someone we aren't sure about maybe isn't the best choice, but not allowing them to see, experience and be part of a healthy, happy relationship dynamic and isolating them from 'hurt' that is part of life doesn't really seem to be the best choice either.
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#33 of 44 Old 02-20-2009, 11:04 AM
 
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I really think it's best to trust your judgement on this Seie and allow the natural progression of your relationship to lead the way. If this man is serious about being in your life, a natural meeting time/place will emerge in a way that will work for everyone and won't require a lot of effort.

There is a natural flow to life and things that happen, whether we like them or not. The best example we can never set for our children is to let them experience the natural flow of life be there to help them through it the best we can.

In my life, people have come, people have gone, people have lived, people have died, people have had to move away, people have chosen to just disappear. Sometimes it's hurt, sometimes it's been mutual, sometimes I've hurt others. But, it is a real part of life on this planet and I am grateful for my parents who helped me through it when I was younger and friends who've helped me through it as I got older.

Preventing a child from experiencing this as a means of 'protecting them' has the potential to backfire and falsely lead the child to believe the world is a different way than it really is.

I don't find either extreme to be a positive experience for a child. Having a revolving door of partners or having our child really bond with someone we aren't sure about maybe isn't the best choice, but not allowing them to see, experience and be part of a healthy, happy relationship dynamic and isolating them from 'hurt' that is part of life doesn't really seem to be the best choice either.

well said MCA That is exactly I mean exactly what I was trying to say!!!!!

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#34 of 44 Old 02-27-2009, 12:52 PM
 
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Hi Seie, I just wanted to say best of luck as regards custody., Given that you ex has been abusive, I wouldn't imagine you'd have any problems. Also given the cause, you have clear grounds for divorce so if re-marrying is what you want - and I know it isn't for eveyone, but if it is for you, there should be no legal impediment to it one divorce is complete.
Ah Ginger, 40 surely isn't middle aged - I still consider myself young and my Mam tho' retired only sees herself as middle-aged now! Could I please ask tho that you don't refer to the children of solidiers / military as "army-brats". The term "brat" just hs really negative connotations.I do think however that its a bit extreme to wait for a proposal of marriage just for a single Mom or lone parent to introduce a new guy or gal , just as a friend, to her children.

"How does a man know he wants to marry you without meeting your child? Single Mama's come as a package deal and the men they date need to know what that package entails. I can't imagine a situation where a man commits his life to a woman who's child he does not even know?" Wel said MistyMama
I think Holand is right - marriage is no garauntee of forever and is entirely a personal and individual choice.
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#35 of 44 Old 02-27-2009, 01:40 PM
 
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DF introduced me to the kids rather quickly, but we were friends to them and nothing more, then when DF was working i would take them to parks or movies, something fun with out him so that they would get used to me. Luckily they are great kids and it was very easy. I think that if you feel this is the right thing to do, that you dont push the adult relationship into focus that its ok to let them meet in a kid friendly place. I mean why waste months or years of your life with someone only to find out they dont want kids, dont want your kids, etc. It takes patients and time. be open and honest with your kids, dont try to force a replacement parent, but your boyfriend should be their friend. We had a really easy transition, the hardest part was that biomom was not around and it breaks my heart that now that she is she wont let them call me what they want etc. wait til your custody battle is over then he wont have leverage over you.

good luck

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#36 of 44 Old 03-05-2009, 11:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi everyone

So it happened. I introduced my guy to the kids yesterday.

I decided to do it at home on a normal weekday/after work and daycare. I picked my BF up after work, drove him to my place and then went to get the kids. I had prepared them in advance that he would be waiting at home.
It was all very natural and easy. I cooked us some dinner while he entertained the kids. We had agreed to introduce him as a "friend" and the kids seemed to think that was very normal. He was a natural with the kids. He was very easy and calm. No hi pitched voice, no overly "funny-uncle" kind of behaviour. He listened to their stories about their day, and he let my 5 year old ramble on about his main interests "Star Wars" and Lego It didnt surprise me that he was so wonderful with them though. He has two children of his own - and a stepdaughter from a previous marriage. Unfortunately he lost contact with them for complicated reasons that I wont go into here - just trust that I know what happened and it is of no concern to me at all.

He did spend the night - I told the kids it was because he lives far away and doesnt have a car (true - and to those who wonder then car prices here are ridiculous, so that is why) He slept in the guest bed and the kids thought that was normal too.

I mentioned in advance to my ex that I have met a man that I care a lot about and that I was planning to introduce him to the kids. Ex took it very well and just said, thats fine, go ahead so..

All in all - it went amazingly well And it feels so good that he finally has gotten to meet my children after I have talked so much about them for so long

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#37 of 44 Old 03-05-2009, 11:36 AM
 
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Hi everyone

So it happened. I introduced my guy to the kids yesterday.

I decided to do it at home on a normal weekday/after work and daycare. I picked my BF up after work, drove him to my place and then went to get the kids. I had prepared them in advance that he would be waiting at home.
It was all very natural and easy. I cooked us some dinner while he entertained the kids. We had agreed to introduce him as a "friend" and the kids seemed to think that was very normal. He was a natural with the kids. He was very easy and calm. No hi pitched voice, no overly "funny-uncle" kind of behaviour. He listened to their stories about their day, and he let my 5 year old ramble on about his main interests "Star Wars" and Lego It didnt surprise me that he was so wonderful with them though. He has two children of his own - and a stepdaughter from a previous marriage. Unfortunately he lost contact with them for complicated reasons that I wont go into here - just trust that I know what happened and it is of no concern to me at all.He did spend the night - I told the kids it was because he lives far away and doesnt have a car (true - and to those who wonder then car prices here are ridiculous, so that is why) He slept in the guest bed and the kids thought that was normal too.

I mentioned in advance to my ex that I have met a man that I care a lot about and that I was planning to introduce him to the kids. Ex took it very well and just said, thats fine, go ahead so..

All in all - it went amazingly well And it feels so good that he finally has gotten to meet my children after I have talked so much about them for so long

Did he lose contact with all three children, or just his stepdaughter? That seems really sad for those kids. My mom had "friends" when wse were kids, after my parents divorced. We knew what was up, even if she thought we didn't. And it made us uncomfortable.
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#38 of 44 Old 03-05-2009, 11:37 AM
 
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He "lost contact" with his own children?
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#39 of 44 Old 03-05-2009, 12:12 PM
 
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congrats Mama: I am so happy for you!!!!!!! Thanks for updateing us

Glenn bouncy.gif 11*09 Joe 4*04 peace.gif Me praying.gif & Hubby geek.gif

 

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#40 of 44 Old 03-05-2009, 12:25 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Seie
He has two children of his own - and a stepdaughter from a previous marriage. Unfortunately he lost contact with them for complicated reasons that I wont go into here - just trust that I know what happened and it is of no concern to me at all.
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He "lost contact" with his own children?
x2 I'm trying to find the best possible light for this. I can understand why he might lose contact with a stepchild - the child's bioparents could keep her away. But his own kids? How could that happen? Maybe his kids are over 18 and choose to never accept his visits and phone calls? Hardly makes him look innocent. His kids' mom moved far away and he can't afford webcam, phone calls, or even email? I doubt anyone is this poor. The kids committed crimes, are in jail, and he is practicing tough love by not contacting them until they get out? Ugh. The kids are alleging that he abused them, and your boyfriend says he's innocent, but won't fight to be a dad? I'm really trying to understand your compassion for your boyfriend's complete absence from his own children (and your trusting him being near your own kids), Seie, but I am drawing a blank. Can you help us understand? I'm not being nosy - instead, like Shonahsmom, I'm seeing a possible red flag here (especially since you just left an abusive man; sometimes abuse survivors fall in love with new abusers) and I'd like to help.

The only thing you owe to others is to behave with integrity.
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#41 of 44 Old 03-05-2009, 05:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ok - I did NOT want to go into that. I respectfully ask that you take my word that this is a balanced, good and definately NON-abusive guy. Actually this is without doubt the first truely decent guy I have dated in my entire life. Why he cant see his children is a long story that I will not share details on. Only say that I KNOW the story and however I look at it, I dont see how he could have gone about it differently to change the outcome.

The speculations in the previous posts are all very very far off. Actually it bothers me a bit to be labelled and presumed less socially capable because I am a former abuse victim. I am intelligent and extremely aware of red flags. I have seen NONE with this guy whatsoever. And that includes taking the story about how he lost his kids into consideration. You will have to trust me on that, as I am not discussing it further.

Anyway, He met my kids. It was perfect. I'm crazy about him. I just felt like sharing that ( without having to defend my guy over something that noone here has enough info about to be in any position to judge or even speculate about.)

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My mom had "friends" when wse were kids, after my parents divorced. We knew what was up, even if she thought we didn't. And it made us uncomfortable.
Thanks for mentioning that. How old were you? I am new at this and it seemed a good way to introduce him casually. I will keep your experience in mind and will consider when we shall make it "official". I dont plan to introduce more "friends" though. We are both very confident that this is a long term thing..

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#42 of 44 Old 03-05-2009, 11:16 PM
 
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Ok - I did NOT want to go into that. I respectfully ask that you take my word that this is a balanced, good and definately NON-abusive guy. Actually this is without doubt the first truely decent guy I have dated in my entire life. Why he cant see his children is a long story that I will not share details on. Only say that I KNOW the story and however I look at it, I dont see how he could have gone about it differently to change the outcome.

The speculations in the previous posts are all very very far off. Actually it bothers me a bit to be labelled and presumed less socially capable because I am a former abuse victim. I am intelligent and extremely aware of red flags. I have seen NONE with this guy whatsoever. And that includes taking the story about how he lost his kids into consideration. You will have to trust me on that, as I am not discussing it further.

Anyway, He met my kids. It was perfect. I'm crazy about him. I just felt like sharing that ( without having to defend my guy over something that noone here has enough info about to be in any position to judge or even speculate about.)


Thanks for mentioning that. How old were you? I am new at this and it seemed a good way to introduce him casually. I will keep your experience in mind and will consider when we shall make it "official". I dont plan to introduce more "friends" though. We are both very confident that this is a long term thing..
Well, I think I was around 7, to start. She had 2 boyfriends over the next 20+ years. The first for about 4 years (Approx) and the next from that point until about 3 years ago (they broke up - he moved out - I am an adult now in my 30's). I'm sure the first time my mom had a friend sleep over was just casual. I know by the time I was 9 or 10, I was totally aware that they were doing "something" at night after we went to bed. And by the next year I was clear on what that something was. I also remember the first time my dad introduced us to his girlfriend...we went out to dinner and ended up sleeping at her apratment. I was 12 at the time and VERY uncomfortable. Even though she was really nice to my sister and me. My dad and her had been dating for a couple of months at that point. We hated her. It would have been better to meet at the restaurant and then all go back to our respective places at that point. It's the sleeping over during the first meeting that is weird IMO. HTH. I haven't thought about that stuff in a long time.
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#43 of 44 Old 03-06-2009, 11:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, I think I was around 7, to start. She had 2 boyfriends over the next 20+ years. The first for about 4 years (Approx) and the next from that point until about 3 years ago (they broke up - he moved out - I am an adult now in my 30's). I'm sure the first time my mom had a friend sleep over was just casual. I know by the time I was 9 or 10, I was totally aware that they were doing "something" at night after we went to bed. And by the next year I was clear on what that something was. I also remember the first time my dad introduced us to his girlfriend...we went out to dinner and ended up sleeping at her apratment. I was 12 at the time and VERY uncomfortable. Even though she was really nice to my sister and me. My dad and her had been dating for a couple of months at that point. We hated her. It would have been better to meet at the restaurant and then all go back to our respective places at that point. It's the sleeping over during the first meeting that is weird IMO. HTH. I haven't thought about that stuff in a long time.
Thanks. My kids are a bit younger - the oldest is 5. I think my 5 year old has an idea that we are more than just "friends". I dont plan to keep telling them that he is a friend. As they get to know him more and he becomes more a part of our lifes he will be "boyfriend".
When it comes to sex then I think children in general are uncomfortable with the thought of adults having a sexlife - even their parents. I personally think its better to be open and honest about it - without giving too much information. I dont like hiding stuff from them - even calling him a "friend". On the other hand I dont want to rush things - I figure its better to take it small steps.

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#44 of 44 Old 03-06-2009, 01:07 PM
 
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Thanks. My kids are a bit younger - the oldest is 5. I think my 5 year old has an idea that we are more than just "friends". I dont plan to keep telling them that he is a friend. As they get to know him more and he becomes more a part of our lifes he will be "boyfriend".
When it comes to sex then I think children in general are uncomfortable with the thought of adults having a sexlife - even their parents. I personally think its better to be open and honest about it - without giving too much information. I dont like hiding stuff from them - even calling him a "friend". On the other hand I dont want to rush things - I figure its better to take it small steps.

I have a Ds who is almost 5 my Dp moved in quite fast but him and Ds get along amazingly but we did not show our love (kisses and cuddles) in front of Ds until about a few months after Ds met him. I do not think children that age would really be uncomfortable they do not really understand to much. But the reason I did not kiss or cuddle infront of Ds was I felt uncomfortable doing that infront of Ds he never saw X and I do that because I left him (I also was in an abusive relationship) when I was pregnant with Ds.

Do you really need to call him anything but his name to your DC? I didn't call my Dp anything but his name. Except one time I said we were going to the fair with Mommys friend. Other than that I never called him anyting else but his name to my Ds.

Glenn bouncy.gif 11*09 Joe 4*04 peace.gif Me praying.gif & Hubby geek.gif

 

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