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#1 of 22 Old 02-23-2009, 04:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay, bear with me, this might be a bit long but I need advice. Two years ago, I was very wild and met a man 15 year my senior. I knew he had two children from a previous marriage but didn't even think about it being young and naive. I became pregnant and he promised to marry me. We were supposed to be married before I had our son but he always put it off. Needless to say we still aren't married, he claims that we fight too much and he doesn't know where his divorce papers are.

He never saw his kids for about a year until today. He felt like shit and he was able to find them. Without telling me he went out for coffee with their Mother and her boyfriend and their new baby together. He gave them $900 and bought a cellphone to be able to talk to his kids. Why he can't use our landline, I don't know. He probably spent about $1,150 today on all that. What pisses me off is I was at work, since I work weekends to help support us and he just did this without telling me. He gave her that money without talking to me about it. I know you're probably all thinking I'm a bitch and he needs to support his kids but damn, I am pissed right off. If it weren't for the fact that I am unable to support my son and myself unless we move in to a shitty apartment... I just feel like freaking leaving him. I hate this, I hate the money goes towards her kids. I hate that he once loved this woman. I hate that he sees her. I hate that he married her and not me yet. I hate that he hasn't married me. I hate that he will be paying what little extra we have to them. I hate everything about it. I know I'm wrong, I know they need him, I know I'm selfish but I don't care. I just want to leave.

I almost left tonight but decided not to. I had packed my bags. I don't know what to do, continue down this road and put up with all of this or just go... maybe one day find a man with no kids. Move my son and I into a crappy apartment. I don't want him to grow up without his dad. I just feel royaly screwed, my life wasn't supposed to be this way...
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#2 of 22 Old 02-23-2009, 05:08 AM
 
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if he is not willing to make the commitment and tie the knot with you, then it's probably healthier for you to get out of it altogether. I know that's not what you want to hear with a toddler to care for and everything, but he's been putting this off and making excuses for two years. That's pretty rediculous. Every relationship I've seen where one partner keeps putting off marriage ended up with a breakup sooner or later...I'd say you should take charge of this and do the moving on yourself, now, without losing any more time waiting on him.
IF you are going to stay with him (which I think you only should if he's willing to get married asap), then I think you need to sit down together and lay out some clear rules. Obviously they are his children, and even if he was a crummy dad to them for a while (not seeing them etc) if he's trying to make up for it now then that's a good thing. They are his kids as much as your son together is his kid... with that said, he shouldn't be spending your mutual money on them. They have a mom and it sounds like they have a stepdad and they are fine. It sounds like they did ok without him for a year, so they shouldn't need him now...or if they do, it should be some arranged child support (the courts have a way of figuring out an amount that is fair based on the income of each party--DH's ex paid something like $150/month cuz DH had custody of their child but she didn't make much). Even if he needs to be paying child support, being able to plan on a regular amount rather than having him randomly hand out $900 is a lot better arrangement for everyone.
Do you two have joint finances? Maybe you should be the one to handle them? If this just happened, he might be able to take back the cell phone and cancel the contract--your landline should suffice (I agree on that!) Tell him that you're uncomfortable with him visiting them without you--that you want to come next time. I know it's awkward hanging out with your spouses ex, but I have still felt that I'd rather be there than know that they were together someplace without me, you know?

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#3 of 22 Old 02-23-2009, 05:20 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for your reply... I just don't think he will marry me. He promised me a long time ago and promised he'd get his divorce papers from the court house but just didn't seem to care enough. It kills me that she married him and he won't marry me, I want to be married. What is really stopping me is because I'm Christian I am just scared it is "wrong" and is a sin but since we weren't even married maybe i shouldn't worry... I just feel so sad, I was looking at apartments and think of all the judgements that will be made on me. It is a conservative place I live in and apartments here don't like kids or babies, they say "mature only" even though that is discrimination. I just feel like it's wrong of me to raise my son without a dad, I just don't know what else to do at this point. It hurt that he gave her $900 which was in our savings account and I know he won't return the phone, I already asked. He liks to be in control and yells at me if I bother him. I met him when I was 18, had our son a month before my 20th Birthday. We were supposed to be married but nope. I don't know why he doesn't want to, I feel so lost I am crying. I will try to get on tomorrow plz reply.
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#4 of 22 Old 02-23-2009, 05:54 AM
 
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I really think that if he was truly committed to you or your son he would be willing to marry you (since you've made it clear that that matters to you--I know for some couples it's not a big deal but if it is for you then it should matter to him too).
I'm religious myself and I can appreciate feeling like leaving him/being a single parent isn't good. You're right though that the religions that condemn divorce are also going to condemn having a child outside of wedlock, so I don't know that you're changing the status quo on that one. Honestly people are liable to judge you no matter what you do, and the most important thing for you to focus on is what will be best for you and your son.
If it's so hard in that area, can you move to a new area? I don't know where your family is, or if you have support from friends/family members who might be able to take you in for a short time, or help you find work and/or an apartment... it seems like putting some physical distance between yourself and this man might be a good idea--it will help keep you from going back to him (and that will probably be tempting) and help you make a fresh start. There are LOTS of single moms in the world, and you will be able to work something out. Once you are free of this man you will be free to move on and find someone better (when you're ready)...you're still young, you have time! He has sucked away a few years of your life but you don't have to continue looking back--look forward to a new better life.
YES it's going to be harder and YES it's better for a child to have his daddy in his life...but if daddy can't treat mommy well then what kind of a daddy is he really. One of my church leaders said that the best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother (and coming from a family where my parents had issues, I can attest that it would have made a HUGE difference for all of us if we'd seen dad treat mom better). So there again, if he's not willing to make it official, then I think you're better off to get out and move on.
If he's controlling and yelling I would say that indicates an unhealthy relationship right there. He's a lot older than you, and it sounds like he's taking on somewhat of a parent mentality (being bossy/controlling) and that's totally out of line. Age differences can work in relationships but only if the partners can see each other as equal partners.

I had another thought on the $900 thing. Do you know his ex at all? Can you talk to her (without him)? I wonder if she genuinely needed money or if he gave it in an attempt to demonstrate that he really did care about the kids he'd ignored for so long... DH's ex didn't see DS (her bio son) for over a year, and when she did come to visit she brought these big fancy presents. It was obvious that she wanted him to like her... Anyway, it just occurs to me that if the money was about him trying to make up, and if they didn't actually truly need it, then perhaps a phone call to her explaining that it was not actually his money to give (or that some of it was not) and maybe she'd be willing to let you have some back? I'm guessing that if she divorced him then she knows he's got his problems, and she might be sympathetic to you...just a thought...

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#5 of 22 Old 02-23-2009, 01:04 PM
 
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Originally Posted by PinkNFluffy View Post
Okay, bear with me, this might be a bit long but I need advice. Two years ago, I was very wild and met a man 15 year my senior. I knew he had two children from a previous marriage but didn't even think about it being young and naive. I became pregnant and he promised to marry me. We were supposed to be married before I had our son but he always put it off. Needless to say we still aren't married, he claims that we fight too much and he doesn't know where his divorce papers are.

He never saw his kids for about a year until today. He felt like shit and he was able to find them. Without telling me he went out for coffee with their Mother and her boyfriend and their new baby together. He gave them $900 and bought a cellphone to be able to talk to his kids. Why he can't use our landline, I don't know. He probably spent about $1,150 today on all that. What pisses me off is I was at work, since I work weekends to help support us and he just did this without telling me. He gave her that money without talking to me about it. I know you're probably all thinking I'm a bitch and he needs to support his kids but damn, I am pissed right off. If it weren't for the fact that I am unable to support my son and myself unless we move in to a shitty apartment... I just feel like freaking leaving him. I hate this, I hate the money goes towards her kids. I hate that he once loved this woman. I hate that he sees her. I hate that he married her and not me yet. I hate that he hasn't married me. I hate that he will be paying what little extra we have to them. I hate everything about it. I know I'm wrong, I know they need him, I know I'm selfish but I don't care. I just want to leave.

I almost left tonight but decided not to. I had packed my bags. I don't know what to do, continue down this road and put up with all of this or just go... maybe one day find a man with no kids. Move my son and I into a crappy apartment. I don't want him to grow up without his dad. I just feel royaly screwed, my life wasn't supposed to be this way...
This man is not going to marry you. If he had any intention of doing right by you, you would already have been married. His wife,( are they not even divorced yet?!) is not going anywhere. Because he has children with her and wants a relationship with those kids, he has to have contact with her as well. If you can't accept this and be okay about it then you shouldn't marry him anyway. Oh and by the way, you are resenting his renewed interest in his previous children because he isn't doing right by you and your shared son and isn't treating you as a partner by including you in decisions. If he was, you probably wouldn't feel threatened by him wanting to have a relationship with his other kids. His secrecy about the matter is what is selfish and suspect. Just because you and the father aren't together doesn't mean your son can't have a relationship with him. Living in a crappy apartment is much much better than committing to a crappy marriage that will make you and your son unhappy and probably end in an expensive divorce anyway. Happy parents are much more likely to raise happy children after all, and yes, there are men out there who would do right by a single mother and her child if they loved her. Why settle for a man who doesn't seem to care? Get out now. Do you have any friends or family who could help you get into a more healthy situation?
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#6 of 22 Old 02-23-2009, 01:53 PM
 
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Is the reason he didn't see his previous children for a YEAR, his doing? If so, that's not a man I would want to marry. Nor is it a man that I would want to be involved with in a relationship. Unless there is a legitimate reason why he wasn't seeing and contributing to his kids, he'd be getting the boot.

I disagree with the suggestion to call the ex-wife and asking for some of the money back. Really, this is between you and your DP, calling her is just going to make you look crazy. I am not clear if you have joint funds or separate? If your money goes into a joint account, it's going to be hard to show that the money he spent was yours and not from his income. And if he hasn't been paying child support, his kids are entitled to some money. She may have been without child support for years and just because she has a boyfriend, doesn't mean the kids don't need the money. Whether or not he can use the money you make, depends on the situation. So you really need to find out where things stand with regards to his child support obligations.

What I would do is call a lawyer ASAP. Most lawyers will give you a free consultation over the phone. Have your DP's annual income handy as well as your own and find out if your income would be considered in his child support payments. Also find out how much he would be entitled to pay (with the info you have, it might only give you an estimate) and if there would be back pay for the years he has not paid. And if you don't want him handing out money willy nilly to his kids, then he should get his butt in gear and get child support payments legally set up so you can budget for his payments.

I would get all of these issues worked out and not worry about marriage at this point. A divorce is more paperwork and more money to get out of than a common law relationship, and it sounds like there are more serious issues than the marriage one (so I am thinking that marriage isn't going to magically resolve all the problems).

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#7 of 22 Old 02-23-2009, 02:07 PM
 
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Being a stepparent doesn't really even seem to be the issue here. I would cross-post this in the single parenting forum under a different title. I don't think you will ever be a stepparent given the details you have provided.

This just does not sound like a good situation to be in. He isn't going to marry you. You know that. And a man who will abandon two kids will abandon the third, so you need to protect this child now. And a man who will make huge financial decisions with joint funds without first consulting you is not the type of man that you want to be with. There are so many red flags about this man. And you are so young. You have plenty of time to make a fresh start.

If I were you, before even leaving him, I would get the appropriate papers filed with the county to start the collection of CS. It takes a while for those things to get rolling (at least around here, it takes a few weeks to a month, sometimes longer). If you do not have health insurance for your LO, file for medical assistance immediately if you qualify. That speeds up the CS collection around here quite a bit.

I would remove half of the money that you have in any joint accounts, put it in an account of your own, then move. I would try to do this all in the span of a few days. Even if you have to sleep on someone's couch for a bit, move. The sooner you get out of this, the better protected you and your child will be.

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#8 of 22 Old 02-23-2009, 02:12 PM
 
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leave. this isnt a relationship that you are going to be able to understand or appreciate. as a divorced mom, i can tell you that a blended family is SO MUCH MORE than it is right now. I can tell you that whatever hardship you think you have endured thus far, it will only get worse.

if you were dating my ex, i would beg you to leave. i would not want my children around someone who had the feelings that you have expressed. im sincerely not saying that to be mean...just being brutally honest. step parents are very important ppl in children's lives...they need someone who will be supportive and understanding. they may not always get that but thats what they deserve.

good luck. a crappy apt. is much better if you are happy than a mansion when you are miserable.
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#9 of 22 Old 02-23-2009, 02:15 PM
 
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leave. this isnt a relationship that you are going to be able to understand or appreciate. as a divorced mom, i can tell you that a blended family is SO MUCH MORE than it is right now. I can tell you that whatever hardship you think you have endured thus far, it will only get worse.

if you were dating my ex, i would beg you to leave. i would not want my children around someone who had the feelings that you have expressed. im sincerely not saying that to be mean...just being brutally honest. step parents are very important ppl in children's lives...they need someone who will be supportive and understanding. they may not always get that but thats what they deserve.

good luck. a crappy apt. is much better if you are happy than a mansion when you are miserable.
Agreed and if you do leave, I just hope your sons father is as concerned about him being taken care of as it seems like he is about making sure his kids are taken care of now, even if he should have been doing it all along.
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#10 of 22 Old 02-23-2009, 03:18 PM
 
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commenting on a little detail I noticed...you said he said he couldnt find the divorce papers.... what does that have to do with getting married unless he is actually still legally married to her.

this is something that I am very familiar with because my stbx left me and we are still going through the divorce so we are still legally married, although he has told his pregnant fiance that we got divorced 2 yrs ago!!


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#11 of 22 Old 02-23-2009, 03:33 PM
 
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Is moving home with your parents an option? Sounds like you could use the support right now.

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#12 of 22 Old 02-23-2009, 03:38 PM
 
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commenting on a little detail I noticed...you said he said he couldnt find the divorce papers.... what does that have to do with getting married unless he is actually still legally married to her.

this is something that I am very familiar with because my stbx left me and we are still going through the divorce so we are still legally married, although he has told his pregnant fiance that we got divorced 2 yrs ago!!
Not trying to answer for her, but some states require a copy of the divorce papers before you can get a marriage certificate. I dont' know what state the OP is in, but CA does NOT require it unless you have been divorced for less then 6 months.
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#13 of 22 Old 02-23-2009, 03:40 PM
 
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That's alot of hate for something that is done and you have no control over.

Seems to me that if you want to work on your relationship you need to go to a counselor and work on your resentment first, because I garuntee you if you got past your resentment you would see alot of your strife in your life disappear.

If working through your resentment doesn't seem worth it? Save everyone, especially his kids who do not deserve to be in a toxic enviroment and have zero control over who their father is, their mother is, their step father or step mother is, and leave. Way to much hate in that one post for a healthy relationship.


You have issues with him having kids? Maybe you didn't see it coming, but the resentment is there, and it is YOURS to fix, not his. Seek counseling for yourself, and if you manage to come to terms with your own emotions, THEN contemplate couples counseling for the damage this resentment has already done.

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#14 of 22 Old 02-23-2009, 03:41 PM
 
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commenting on a little detail I noticed...you said he said he couldnt find the divorce papers.... what does that have to do with getting married unless he is actually still legally married to her.
I noticed this as well. I am divorced and recently got remarried... and I never received a copy of my divorce decree (I tried getting it several times but the divorce was in another state and none of the county clerks could find it). The only thing that the new marriage application needed was the date of the previous divorce. I didn't have to "prove" the I was divorced.

Another thing - if he is actually divorced, then there would be a settlement, and he is probably a lot more than $900 in arrears for CS.

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#15 of 22 Old 02-23-2009, 03:45 PM
 
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I noticed this as well. I am divorced and recently got remarried... and I never received a copy of my divorce decree (I tried getting it several times but the divorce was in another state and none of the county clerks could find it). The only thing that the new marriage application needed was the date of the previous divorce. I didn't have to "prove" the I was divorced.

Another thing - if he is actually divorced, then there would be a settlement, and he is probably a lot more than $900 in arrears for CS.

Again, not answering for her, but my divorce decree has NO child support amount in it. Just not trying to pick the OP's comments apart, but I DO think the father is doing the right thing about trying to support his kids, even if it is much later then it should have been.
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#16 of 22 Old 02-23-2009, 04:14 PM
 
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[QUOTE]They have a mom and it sounds like they have a stepdad and they are fine. It sounds like they did ok without him for a year, so they shouldn't need him now...[/QUOTE]

That's nuts.

If you are this tired of his kids already, before you have even had to deal with them, imagine how you will feel a year from now, or ten. That's assuming that he will even stay in contact with them. If he cheated on their mother and then abandoned the children that he created with her, why won't he do that to you and yours?
You are probably really underestimating yourself here. You might do just fine on your own. At the very least, you wont have this worry and stress.
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#17 of 22 Old 02-23-2009, 04:28 PM
 
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I'm bad about this, but I didn't read every single reply post, so I am only really only responding the first post.

I understand your being pissed off, resentful, and full of hate right now, but eventually (soon as possible) you will have to let those emotions go, and not let them get the better of you.

Maybe your life is not turning out the way you had hoped, but whoever posted that you are underestimating yourself is prolly right. IMHO, I think you need to just move on, even if it means a crappy apt.

If you were here in person, I would tell you to ask my kids how many crappy apts we have lived in through the years as I went on welfare, went to school, worked whatever. Now we don't live in a crappy apt, but we had to put the time in.

For me, I was young and naive and I had unprotected sex with a man who is a loser as a parent, and has never been in his child's life, and then instead of learning my lesson, I went and did it again with a different man.

I don't think you are being a bitch, you are being human. You just can't let yourself stop at the negative reactionary emotions, you have to push beyond them. If you stay, then be happy about your choice or just leave.

What about the single parenting forum, I think someone suggested that.
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#18 of 22 Old 02-23-2009, 07:58 PM
 
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"Oh and by the way, you are resenting his renewed interest in his previous children because he isn't doing right by you and your shared son and isn't treating you as a partner by including you in decisions. If he was, you probably wouldn't feel threatened by him wanting to have a relationship with his other kids. His secrecy about the matter is what is selfish and suspect."

ITA. The anger you feel does NOT mean that you are a bad person or that you would be a bad stepmother in a different scenario. You are mad because YOU are getting screwed by the jerk right now. Any little bit of good he does for any other person is obviously going to promote resentment. You don't really hate his kids or his ex. You don't even know them. You hate HIM.

Get out, and get court-ordered child support. Find somebody else who shares your moral and religious values. Pursue the happy life that you and your child deserve!
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#19 of 22 Old 02-23-2009, 08:12 PM
 
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If I were you, before even leaving him, I would get the appropriate papers filed with the county to start the collection of CS. It takes a while for those things to get rolling (at least around here, it takes a few weeks to a month, sometimes longer). If you do not have health insurance for your LO, file for medical assistance immediately if you qualify. That speeds up the CS collection around here quite a bit.

I would remove half of the money that you have in any joint accounts, put it in an account of your own, then move. I would try to do this all in the span of a few days. Even if you have to sleep on someone's couch for a bit, move. The sooner you get out of this, the better protected you and your child will be.
All of this.

I'd file for CS immediately. I'd pull half of all the funds, immediately. I'd be out the door, immediately.

Any man who is ok with not seeing his kids for that long a time is not a man who can be expected to act responsibly to you or towards your mutual child.

Leave.

* I've been where you are. I kept waiting for him to keep his promises. He never did.

He now has a 7 year old he hasn't seen since she was barely 3, and he elected not to pay any child support until I pressed the issue, not because I wanted to, but because my child deserves for me to set aside my pride to be her advocate.

I'm now very happily married to a great guy who is excited to share in being a family, and having a life of mutual respect and admiration. My daughter has 'lost' her bio dad, and while I can never fix that, she has a stable, warm, loving, respectful home that she never would have known had I not left.
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#20 of 22 Old 02-23-2009, 10:11 PM
 
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I'd wager he's not divorced, and he has no intention of marrying you. Sorry you're in this situation. This guy needs to be a father to all his children. I agree about getting a CS order.
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#21 of 22 Old 02-24-2009, 01:29 AM
 
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Ditto the advice about collecting half the assests, moving out, and filing for support.

Don't expect him to pay, though. Those assests you (hopefully) collected may well be the only $ you ever see based on what he did to his older children.

You can only judge a man by his actions.

And I also agree about counseling! Especially before you begin any other long-term relationships. I would suggest to stay far, far away from any man who has children until you can deal with your resentment and anger.
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#22 of 22 Old 02-24-2009, 12:06 PM
 
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Originally Posted by confustication View Post
All of this.

I'd file for CS immediately. I'd pull half of all the funds, immediately. I'd be out the door, immediately.

Any man who is ok with not seeing his kids for that long a time is not a man who can be expected to act responsibly to you or towards your mutual child.

Leave.

* I've been where you are. I kept waiting for him to keep his promises. He never did.

He now has a 7 year old he hasn't seen since she was barely 3, and he elected not to pay any child support until I pressed the issue, not because I wanted to, but because my child deserves for me to set aside my pride to be her advocate.

I'm now very happily married to a great guy who is excited to share in being a family, and having a life of mutual respect and admiration. My daughter has 'lost' her bio dad, and while I can never fix that, she has a stable, warm, loving, respectful home that she never would have known had I not left.
Yes, to all of this.

Similar situation here, expect my xhusband already had ONE child he never saw, rarely paid for (when I found out about him, *I* made sure support was paid) and eventually xh signed over parental rights and allowed him to be adopted.

Fast forward and xh has not seen ds in 4+ years & signed over his parental rights so dh could adopt. The adoption will be final tomorrow. Ds does not have a bio Dad, but he does for sure have a wonderful Daddy. One who has loved him for over 4 years, supported and cared for him. Been there, and will always be there. The kind of parent his bio-Dad just isn't capable of being. I am so thankful that I left when I did, that I have both myself and ds a shot at happiness, and a real loving family.

Xh is getting remarried in a few months. He's already had two children that he abandoned and allowed to be adopted by other men .. I can only hope he does not do that to her. But, the best predictor of future actions is the past .. and his track record sucks.

I'd file for child support OP, and get the hell out. Fast.

Candacepeace.gif, Married to dh   guitar.gif, Mom to ds (8) biggrinbounce.gif , Gavin candle.gif (9/30/10 - 12/19/10) and cautiously expecting our rainbow1284.gif 4-29-12

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