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#1 of 34 Old 03-06-2009, 07:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We're probably going to bid on a house soon.

If history is any indication, this will set off a firestorm with my partner's ex. There will be something wrong with how we selected the house (we'll hear about it if we drag SD house-hunting because we should do that on our own time, we'll hear about it if we don't take SD househunting because shouldn't she as a member of a household have input?). There will be something wrong with how we financed or titled the house (we're not giving her details, but it won't take rocket science to figure out that the primary financial contribution is coming from me). There will be something wrong with our closing date, our moving date (the half-year anniversary of her bad school homecoming dance, 20 years ago?). And, when she does get to see the house (which I know SD will be eager to show her mom her new room, and we will oblige), she'll complain about the color of SD's room or about how sparsely furnished or densely furnished or whatever it is (she complained that my SD's room in our apartment is too small--she's 6! Plus, it's not like her stuff or herself is contained in that room anyway). She will also complain about how my partner chooses to tell her about the house (whether he does so via the required 10-day-written-notice of moving, email, in person, whatever).

I know these are all really her issues, and we don't owe her kid gloves or any special deference other than that what a reasonable person would owe his reasonable ex-wife/mother-of-his-child, and the general respect people owe other human beings by virtue of being human. It's not really our job to protect her feelings when we know the mere act of doing something like buying a house will be hurtful--and, importantly, when we don't really know the best way to handle this is (because how she defines "respect" and how she wants to be treated varies day-to-day). The best we can do is treat her as we would want to be treated, as though she was the one telling my partner she was buying a house with her new partner while her ex struggled to make rent, even with child support and the other things my partner pays. (Yes, it's a sucky situation, but we're not going to spend another summer or 10 summers living underneath the arguing/partying couple who seem to bowl at 3 a.m., until she has a stable financial situation, just to spare her feelings.)

But it still bugs me.

So...strength? Vibes for a peaceful outcome?

Thanks.

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#2 of 34 Old 03-07-2009, 09:48 AM
 
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Congratulations on the house!

Ugh. The situation with your DSD's mom sounds tough! But it sounds like it is one that you can't win no matter how you play it, so just do the best you can. I have a feeling that we will be in a similar situation once I finish school, although DSD will be nearing her teen years by the time *that* happens. We are lucky that DSD's mom doesn't complain about really petty things, like the color of the kids' room. Your dp must be a patient man. I know that DH wouldn't be able to listen to that sort of thing for very long without losing it.

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#3 of 34 Old 03-07-2009, 11:24 AM
 
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I feel your pain. We are telling my step-daughter about a new sibling this week... we don't usually get back-lash directly related to what we did, we will probably hear about my husband's bad parenting (he picked her up from school early, he gave her ice cream twice in one week, he let her stay up past her bedtime when mom thought she sounded congested) or she will suddenly object to our (already pre-approved) choice of summer camp, or something.

One thing a therapist told us early on is that while her particular personality (I'll refrain from diagnosing) is hard to deal with, at least it is predictable. Even though you don't know what she will choose to reprimand you for, at least you know that its coming and know what it will sound like when it comes, AND you already know that it is not really about you and what you are doing, but about her and how she is feeling.

Good luck... I'll be thinking of you while we wait for our own fall-out! Here's to being pleasantly surprised by a lack of drama!!

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#4 of 34 Old 03-07-2009, 12:29 PM
 
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This was my meditation for the day:

"I AM NOT CRAZY - it's just that my situation seems to require a crazy person."

Thought it was appropriate!! Good Luck
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#5 of 34 Old 03-07-2009, 12:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks to both of you--and aricha, yep, unrelated backlash can be an issue here, too. (I had to laugh about the "he let her stay up past her bedtime when mom thought she sounded congested" thing--SD's mom keeps her home from school for every last sniffle and "my elbow hurts," and then we hear about how she's always missing work and my partner is a deadbeat for not picking up some of the slack, even though she calls at 2pm, long after she's called out from work, to tell us SD is "sick.")

And Pink, my partner has learned to tune his ex out--and hang up on her if necessary. She once sent over some ugly plastic furniture for SD's room (the too-small one) because it was "too sparse"--it had a bed, dresser, chair, and bookshelf in it, and an art table/desk immediately outside of it. (This was when SD was 4.) Toy storage under the bed, in the closet, and on the wall. Any more stuff in there and we'd have a fire hazard. The ugly plastic furniture ended up in the basement; I think my partner should have returned it but he didn't want confrontation.

Good luck with everything, both of you!

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#6 of 34 Old 03-07-2009, 12:38 PM
 
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This was my meditation for the day:

"I AM NOT CRAZY - it's just that my situation seems to require a crazy person."

Thought it was appropriate!! Good Luck
I love this!

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#7 of 34 Old 03-07-2009, 12:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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This was my meditation for the day:

"I AM NOT CRAZY - it's just that my situation seems to require a crazy person."

Thought it was appropriate!! Good Luck

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#8 of 34 Old 03-07-2009, 11:51 PM
 
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I hope that everything turns out to your best expectations!

Good Vibes Good Vibes Good Vibes Good Vibes

Just remember to **breath**

I think that in a situation such as yours, when you are dealing with such a person, one that is constantly comparing herself to others, that for you to just keep the bright end in sight - that is the best way to handle any such situation.

In times like these, when things are hard enough as it is for almost everyone out there, the fact that you are moving on such a positive undertaking, such as buying a home together...it can all only be positive in the end.

Congratulations (!) and try to just deal with your own feelings in your undertaking...it's such an emotional thing to do as it is.
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#9 of 34 Old 03-08-2009, 12:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, offer's in...and about 90 minutes after the offer was made, SD's mom called her and SD (understandably) told her all about it, excitedly. (SD claimed a room for herself--even though she'd been told 1000 times that we won't know we'll get the house for awhile--and told us where all of the furniture in the whole house would go. She got it better than we would have.)

Yeah, it would have been better if my partner'd been able to tell her about it first. No, that's not the way the world always works.

So, of course, my partner got the stiff e-mail later about how he always manages to do things with me in a way that causes her the most psychological harm. Because, apparently, we did not take those 90 minutes between getting the paperwork in and her call to appropriately and gently notify her that we had put an offer on a house (never mind the offer still needs to be accepted, financing secured, inspection passed, etc.). (We, instead, had the audacity to go to a friend's house for dinner. We were still there when she called the cell.)

I swear, she's gonna react nastily if we time the conception of our first child together wrong.

But, no time to worry about that...we have an OFFER out and I need to worry about that instead!

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#10 of 34 Old 03-08-2009, 01:27 PM
 
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Congratulations! Good luck on the new adventure!

Parenting four little monkeys (11, 8, 6, and 4) with the love of my life. Making it up as I go.
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#11 of 34 Old 03-09-2009, 05:11 AM
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HI,

You have very good discussion going on. Thanks

Rah
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#12 of 34 Old 03-09-2009, 11:55 AM
 
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Congratulations!
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#13 of 34 Old 03-09-2009, 01:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We're awaiting a counter-offer that I'm assuming is just price haggling (as I didn't put in a particularly fussy offer)...

...this process is unpleasant. I've been through it before; I wish I could just sit down with the seller, buy her a cup of coffee, and negotiate this in person instead of doing the song and dance of paper offers...

(And ex wonders why we didn't notify her in those 90 minutes? BECAUSE WE'RE FREAKING OUT. THAT'S WHY.)

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#14 of 34 Old 03-09-2009, 01:20 PM
 
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Just take a breath. When I was bidding on houses last year after the first 2 or so fell through I decided that I'd assume I wouldn't get any of the houses I bid on and let the process go through itself until I finally landed one that I wanted for a price I could accept.


Took alot of the stress off me if I stopped assuming my first bid would be accepted. Or any bids at all.

Good luck though.

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#15 of 34 Old 03-09-2009, 02:47 PM
 
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Originally Posted by purplepetal21 View Post
This was my meditation for the day:

"I AM NOT CRAZY - it's just that my situation seems to require a crazy person."

Thought it was appropriate!! Good Luck
I'm totally stealing this line!

Congrats on making the offer! Here's to it being a smooth and exciting process for you and your family!

"I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult." â E.B. White
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#16 of 34 Old 03-09-2009, 03:15 PM
 
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Good luck!

A propos of never, ever saying or doing the right thing...here's one to make you laugh (or cry):

Back when I was expecting, we put off dh telling his ex as long as we could, but then he wrote her a nice note about it [as she won't talk to him], focusing on the kids, advising her that the children were expecting to have a "new sibling" as of my due date....

she saw me and my expanding belly several times over the ensuing months....


and then...

when the baby was born, she expressed anger at never having been told I was pregnant because - wait for it - how was she supposed to know a "new sibling" meant a baby?

According to her, she had no idea what he was talking about and assumed a "new sibling" was....



a new VIDEO GAME!

Sometimes, you just have to give up.
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#17 of 34 Old 03-09-2009, 04:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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According to her, she had no idea what he was talking about and assumed a "new sibling" was....



a new VIDEO GAME!

Sometimes, you just have to give up.
Hee!

We've had a problem with "gloves" meaning "mittens" (she asked if we could provide gloves, we provided gloves, she got mad wondering why we didn't get mittens) but I think (I HOPE) she'd figure out what the sibling thing is.

And Yoshua, thanks--I think we'll get the house; we're just haggling price right now, and there are no other bidders (we're the first offer since the house went on the market, vacant, months ago). It's still a great big pile of suck, though.

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#18 of 34 Old 03-09-2009, 05:31 PM
 
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Good luck!

A propos of never, ever saying or doing the right thing...here's one to make you laugh (or cry):

Back when I was expecting, we put off dh telling his ex as long as we could, but then he wrote her a nice note about it [as she won't talk to him], focusing on the kids, advising her that the children were expecting to have a "new sibling" as of my due date....

she saw me and my expanding belly several times over the ensuing months....


and then...

when the baby was born, she expressed anger at never having been told I was pregnant because - wait for it - how was she supposed to know a "new sibling" meant a baby?

According to her, she had no idea what he was talking about and assumed a "new sibling" was....



a new VIDEO GAME!

Sometimes, you just have to give up.

this one actually made me laugh out loud!!!!

Protolawyer, good luck. We can never do anything right either-if we take her to the Dr., we are overreacting, if we don't we are negligent, etc. etc. etc. However, it seems like yours is much more vocal and difficult. You are right that it is out of your control, but that doesn't necessarily make you feel better or make it easier to deal with.
I hope the waiting goes quickly and you get into your new house (and away from the bowling alley ) soon!

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#19 of 34 Old 03-09-2009, 05:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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this one actually made me laugh out loud!!!!

Protolawyer, good luck. We can never do anything right either-if we take her to the Dr., we are overreacting, if we don't we are negligent, etc. etc. etc. However, it seems like yours is much more vocal and difficult. You are right that it is out of your control, but that doesn't necessarily make you feel better or make it easier to deal with.
I hope the waiting goes quickly and you get into your new house (and away from the bowling alley ) soon!
Ah, yes, the doctor:

"I can't believe you took her to the walk-in clinic...you know insurance isn't going to cover that."

The walk-in clinic was $59. Urgent care comes with a $50 co-pay, and would require a 50-mile drive to get into the network (one way--insurance covers out-of-network ER but not urgent care). Regular ped couldn't see her on a Saturday. No, we're not going to drive all that way to save $9.

Still waiting for the counter-offer...not so patiently...

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#20 of 34 Old 03-09-2009, 08:02 PM
 
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...
he wrote her a nice note about it [as she won't talk to him], focusing on the kids, advising her that the children were expecting to have a "new sibling" as of my due date....

she saw me and my expanding belly several times over the ensuing months....


and then...

when the baby was born, she expressed anger at never having been told I was pregnant because - wait for it - how was she supposed to know a "new sibling" meant a baby?
...
I think we have moved beyond THIS level of ridiculousness (thank goodness) but I can absolutely imagine this scenario having happened to us.

Thanks for the chuckle!

Parenting four little monkeys (11, 8, 6, and 4) with the love of my life. Making it up as I go.
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#21 of 34 Old 03-09-2009, 08:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Mission accomplished--the counter-offer was very reasonable and the difference between that and my preferred price wasn't worth haggling over for the sake of haggling. I signed.

Phase 1...done!

(now onto appraisal, inspection, financing...oh my...)

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#22 of 34 Old 03-10-2009, 12:10 AM
 
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*Squeeeee!* Crossing fingers.

Mama to two awesome kids. Wife to a wonderful, attached, loving husband. I love my job-- I'm a Midwife, Doula and Childbirth Educator, Classes forming now!

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#23 of 34 Old 03-10-2009, 06:41 AM
 
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Mission accomplished--the counter-offer was very reasonable and the difference between that and my preferred price wasn't worth haggling over for the sake of haggling. I signed.

Phase 1...done!

(now onto appraisal, inspection, financing...oh my...)

CONGRATS!!
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#24 of 34 Old 03-10-2009, 01:39 PM
 
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Congrats!

Word of advice. If there is an attic or even crawl space walk it or make your inspector walk it.

My inspector did a great job and found 2 ducts that werent connected. My house was a new build. Would have been fun cleaning the mold from all the moisture that would have been pumped into the attic from my bathroom.

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#25 of 34 Old 03-10-2009, 05:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Congrats!

Word of advice. If there is an attic or even crawl space walk it or make your inspector walk it.

My inspector did a great job and found 2 ducts that werent connected. My house was a new build. Would have been fun cleaning the mold from all the moisture that would have been pumped into the attic from my bathroom.
Thanks for the tip! I looked in the basement and attic and found nothing amiss, but I'm not the expert. We'll know later this week, and hopefully he'll find nothing that can't be fixed (but everything that should be!).

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#26 of 34 Old 03-13-2009, 05:57 PM
 
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Congratulations! Fingers crossed that the inspection goes smoothly and there are no major issues.
We went through this same process literally a year ago. It was so much fun! I don't think I'll ever forget what it was like to have the keys handed to us at closing. Dh's ex was all sorts of envious and it did make for some tense times, but what could she say or do? We suffered through the inevitable walk through because her kids were excited and wanted to show her their new rooms, the pool, etc. But in reality she has no more desire to spend time here than we want her to be here. It just reminds her of what she doesn't have and what she lost. Not fun for anyone. Envy and jealousy are ugly, ugly emotions.
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#27 of 34 Old 03-13-2009, 07:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Congratulations! Fingers crossed that the inspection goes smoothly and there are no major issues.
We went through this same process literally a year ago. It was so much fun! I don't think I'll ever forget what it was like to have the keys handed to us at closing. Dh's ex was all sorts of envious and it did make for some tense times, but what could she say or do? We suffered through the inevitable walk through because her kids were excited and wanted to show her their new rooms, the pool, etc. But in reality she has no more desire to spend time here than we want her to be here. It just reminds her of what she doesn't have and what she lost. Not fun for anyone. Envy and jealousy are ugly, ugly emotions.
Yup, yup.

My partner and I have discussed this a bit and we're really not going to put our lives on hold because of someone else's jealousy issues. Yeah, we're not going to do anything deliberately hurtful--we're grown ups, we know better than to make out in front of her or send her floor plans with sparkly "look what you're missing!" icons or anything--but we're not going to not do normal life things (be it buy a house, get married, get pregnant) just because doing so will make her sad.

Inspection revealed nothing major or scary--so onward to financing!

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#28 of 34 Old 03-13-2009, 10:32 PM
 
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I was thinking of you this afternoon as we saw the first of our own fall-out... not sure if it is related to the new baby news, the fact we are currently vacationing with my step-daughter, or something totally unrelated to us... but something has begun, and I went back and re-read this thread to give me strength Trying to keep our perspective and not to let it get to us!

Parenting four little monkeys (11, 8, 6, and 4) with the love of my life. Making it up as I go.
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#29 of 34 Old 03-13-2009, 11:02 PM
 
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Yup, yup.

My partner and I have discussed this a bit and we're really not going to put our lives on hold because of someone else's jealousy issues. Yeah, we're not going to do anything deliberately hurtful--we're grown ups, we know better than to make out in front of her or send her floor plans with sparkly "look what you're missing!" icons or anything--but we're not going to not do normal life things (be it buy a house, get married, get pregnant) just because doing so will make her sad.
Exactly. That's our philosophy too. We're living our lives. We earned this happiness and we're going to enjoy it. Hopefully one day she will find her own path to happiness, but even if that never happens, we aren't going to feel guilty or let her jealousy/bitterness/anger motivate or inhibit any of the decisions we make as a couple. Life goes on...

Congrats on the good inspection! What an exciting time in your life.
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#30 of 34 Old 03-14-2009, 11:06 AM
 
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Congrats!

I have the perspective from the other side. Dh's ex and her husband were able to buy a house not long ago and it was kind of hard for me to deal with. We work very hard and are frugal and saving - but buying a house seems extremely far off with our past money issues bogging us down. BUT, I don't let that sort of thing affect the way we interact with them. Just like I wouldn't put my life on hold for their sake, they shouldn't put theirs on hold for ours.

Mama/stepmama of 4 goofy girls (7/99, 11/00, 4/03, and 12/08) and co-parent with my favorite husband. We do this stuff - : : : : : :
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