Do you "allow" the ex wife to come into your house? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 73 Old 03-31-2009, 10:27 PM
 
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my ex is welcome in our house as it is also the home of his son. i am welcome in his house, although i don't go out there much because of logistics.

i work very hard to make sure that DS feels comfortable around all of his parents and i don't make it a stressful situation for him. my parents weren't so thoughtful when i was younger.
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#62 of 73 Old 04-01-2009, 01:57 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Mountaingirl79 View Post
Wow, I was a little surprised by the question and the responses. No offense intended. I guess my xh and I are just really civil to each other. He is always welcome to come in when picking up or dropping off the kids. I have remarried last year and he ( xh) has yet to. ( I'm sure he will one day, we are all fairly young.) I would be livid "if" his new wife tried to tell me that I had to wait outside. LOL I prefer to see my children into getting comfy at their dad's house. I'm sure my xh would say the same thing. ( For us that means going in, saying hello, collecting backpacks and making sure the kids are said good bye to, or whatever.)
But that's just me, and our little situation. It works for us.
Exactly the same for us!

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#63 of 73 Old 04-01-2009, 08:43 AM
 
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I answered before based on my X coming into my home, but after reading more and thinking more about it, I want to answer now as *his* ex. We have been apart for almost six years and he has been married to his new wife for just about a year. I dropped my kids off/picked them up at their first house maybe three or four times and I was perfectly content to stay in the front yard/on their porch. Was I nosy? Hell yes! kekeke But I was not invited in and I was fine with that. It is not my home, and my kids spent a minimal amount of time there (probably four or five overnights total) so it really wasn't their home either. They moved last fall and I haven't been to their new house at all (honestly, I don't even know where they live - I have an address but that's it), and my kids have only been there once or twice.

I like his wife (more than I like him, to be honest!) and we are always polite to each other. Most importantly she is great with my kids - fun, caring, supportive, but doesn't try to step in and parent them either. My kids, especially my oldest (she's 15), appreciate that.

She would be welcome in my home anytime if it ever came up, and I'm sure if I needed to use the bathroom or the phone she would welcome me into her home - but I think both of us are pretty respectful of that boundary. Like I said, I'm nosy as all get out, so I'd love to see their home, but I also know that it would probably be weird for all of us, and again, since my kids are hardly ever at their home, there is really no reason for me to.
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#64 of 73 Old 04-03-2009, 11:15 PM
 
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My ex husband? yep, he is welcome anytime, he spends the night sometimes.

His ex (they where never really a couple so saying ex is silly) No, I would never let her in my home, under any circumstance.

Loving Dh, Mama x 4, Surrogate mother to 5. A born 2003, M and R girl/girl twins 2006, S and C boy/girl twins born 2010. Processing/healing.
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#65 of 73 Old 04-06-2009, 04:53 PM
 
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She can come in the house, but generally stays in the entry although she does try to make excuses to come in farther... She always suggests that DSD show us her bedroom when we drop her off and we stay and chat for a few minutes but we don't sit down.

However, when DH first moved in she wanted to come and inspect our house and we said no way. That was an important boundary for us to set - DH is a good father and is capable of caring for DSD and his ex needed to recognize that.

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#66 of 73 Old 04-06-2009, 05:43 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Laggie View Post

However, when DH first moved in she wanted to come and inspect our house and we said no way. That was an important boundary for us to set - DH is a good father and is capable of caring for DSD and his ex needed to recognize that.
She actually told you she wanted to inspect?
Um, yeah, ick. I won't mind giving my partner's ex a tour (we're moving in May to a neat old place and I'll be happy to give anyone a tour!) but the tour stops if it turns into an interrogation.

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#67 of 73 Old 04-08-2009, 11:32 AM
 
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I prefer the idea of welcoming an ex-wife into your home. I think it makes the kids more comfortable. My ex and I are both married to other people now, both very comfortable with our separate lives, and we're both clear that at one point we did love each other and were truly good friends but we are just a terrible match, as spouses! So, having each other (and each other's spouses!) in our homes feels just as natural as having old friends stop by. We all celebrate holidays together with the kids, sometimes we take them places together or have dinner at each other's houses.

For my step-son's sake, I'd love to be just as welcoming toward my husband's ex-wife, but unfortunately that's just not safe and you have to be reasonable. She has a long history of making false accusations and portraying innocent things as "abuse", "threats", "stalking", etc. (my husband knocking on her door to pick up their son for visitation was "trying to break in"; him taking their son out of town for a weekend camping trip was an "abduction", that sort of thing). Now that my husband has sole custody, we have to assume her motives are even stronger, to find something to accuse him of. So it just doesn't seem sensible to give her access to our home and fodder, to twist things in our lives into something ugly. But hopefully everyone's situation with the ex-wife isn't so extreme!

One woman in a house full of men:  my soul mate:    or... twin sons:(HS seniors) ... step-son:  (a sophomore) ... our little man:   (a first grader) ... and there is another female in the house, after all:  our
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#68 of 73 Old 04-12-2009, 06:55 PM
 
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Sure! She's cool. She usually stands at the door, but is welcome to come in further. I honestly wouldn't even mind if she came in when I or dh wasn't here.
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#69 of 73 Old 04-13-2009, 02:01 AM
 
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Sure she comes over. She even has been our pet sitter when we are out of town. And she comes over to socialize, sometimes with both of us, sometimes just DH. She has also hired me to help with cleaning out her house before her last move. She and DH are still friends but I do not feel threatened or awkward in the least. She is a perfectly pleasant person, very easy going.

Kris wife to Stew and mom to Joey 8/03 who cares for , 2 frogs and a worm
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#70 of 73 Old 04-13-2009, 10:20 PM
 
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I allow my ex to come in and hang out, to play with his son, for us to chat about stuff regarding the kid. He has even given our son a bath here in my house. I never go to his place as he is ordered to do all the driving. But I am sure I'd be allowed in as well.

Lilly, mum to one handsome boyand to one of God's angels in heaven
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#71 of 73 Old 04-14-2009, 06:57 AM
 
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I've only had time to read the first page!

XP comes here about 2-3 times a week just to play with DD for a few hours or put her to bed because he works nights and it's the best way for him to get to see her often (he works, sleeps, wakes, visits DD, then goes back to work) when he's working. She also goes to him overnight once a week and spends the whole following day with him. The night he has her rotates according to his shifts.

He works 4 days on, 4 days off. So in a normal week he will visit twice in the afternoon for 2 hours of play, at least once (usually the first night of his 4 days off) to have dinner with us and put her to bed, and she stays over with him for 24 hours once (the middle night of his 4 days off, so he has had a day either side to adjust his sleeping).

DP and XP have known one another a long time and get on fine - DP even gives XP a lift back sometimes, and we all eat dineer together at least once a week. Right from the start neither XP or I could comprehend only being able to see our kid, or being a kid only able to see our parent, once or twice a week, so we set up this system where she has more or less unlimited access to us both (he is respectful of our plans if we're doing something that means he can't see her for a day, and likewise we try to plan around his time with her rather than across it).

There have been times when we've hated one another and it's been very stressful to keep it all civil, but the rough patches seem to be in the past now and DD has definitely thrived on having as much time with him as she does so it was worth it for us.
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#72 of 73 Old 04-14-2009, 10:15 AM
 
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I thought about this thread yesterday evening when dh's ex knocked on the front door. She was stopping by to drop off her kids' book bags. Her dd met her at the door to get the bags and I went to the front door to do the civil greeting thing and quickly discuss any coordination we needed to do in regards to my dss's out-of-town field trip this week. After that 30-second conversation she actually asked if she could spend a few minutes with her dog (the dog has been with us since December when the ex moved in with her parents, who hate dogs). So I invited her in so she could go in the back yard and see the dog. She didn't stay long and I didn't hang out with her. I continued to cook dinner and in a couple of minutes she came back in, said her goodbyes and left. What was most interesting, though, was my oldest dd's reaction. It was clear that she was not comfortable with her being there. As a matter of fact, as soon as the ex left, I encouraged our three dd's to go outside and play for a few minutes before dinner. My oldest refused to go out until the ex had driven away. Dh and I talked about it when he got home and we both think she sees the ex coming into our home as "invading our territory." Our blended family is becoming more integrated by the day and she sees dh's ex as a threat to that stability. I'm not sure there is anything we can do to alleviate that--only time will help her see that our family is here to stay--but I did think it interesting.
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#73 of 73 Old 04-14-2009, 11:24 AM
 
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As the child: My parents are splitting up. I know that my 1st little sister (16 years) freaked out when she saw that dad had a woman over in the middle of the day (she came home early because she was sick--boy was dad surprised!) I'm pretty open-minded. My parents can have people over or whatever....but there is no way I'll think of them as family. Probably ever. But it's still early so who knows?

The closest I ever got to "ex-husband" is my ex-fiance. I do not speak to him. Not because I am being stubborn about it, it's because he is a horrible, mean person who cannot have a conversation with someone without trying to prove how 'superior' he is to them (myself included...during the relationship!) HE will call me stupid for not having as good a vocabulary as him (I've recently realized that i'm not stupid. It took me a long time to understand that he's just an asshole--excuse my language. There's no nicer way to explain him.) and a variety of other reason (pick one.). I'm still trying to wrap my head around how horrible the whole thing was.

Point is: he is NOT EVER allowed into our house. I feel like it would be an invasion of our safe little sanctuary.

His ex-girlfriends are alright. I mean, I would let them in the house. His 1st one is not an issue. They don't talk and she has no reason to come here but the other one is actually dating his best friend now (they're all cool with it, it's fine ) She's a sweetie. We're all pretty good friends so I don't have any sort of issue with aving them over for dinner or a hang-out or anything.

Kris: "auntie" to W (7yrs)  and Z (5yrs)
 
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