Do you "allow" the ex wife to come into your house? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 73 Old 03-23-2009, 02:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Just a query. We don't-as it (to me) crosses a boundary that I just don't want crossed, and DH completely concurs--but I am curious as to what others do.

Thanks for the input!
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#2 of 73 Old 03-23-2009, 02:51 PM
 
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I never allowed her to come in, she's out of the picture now, dh's divorce wasn't just 2 ppl splitting up, she bailed on dh and more importantly dd. I can't stand her for that reason.
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#3 of 73 Old 03-23-2009, 03:01 PM
 
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Yep, the ex can come here and stay when she is visiting (she can't take DS somewhere else, he doesn't handle change well and she doesn't know now to deal with him) and if my ex and his fiance come to visit and need to stay over night, they stay at my house too.
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#4 of 73 Old 03-23-2009, 03:02 PM
 
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I have always gone in exh house while picking up dd and he has always come in mine. Our relationship hasn't always been peachy, but we have always been civil in front of dd--even in the rough patches. (She was 18 mos when visitation started--we had to talk and physically do the hand-off, so I guess we both learned to make the best of it.)

For the last several years, we sit together at school events/ballgames. I took dd to the hospital when her stepmom had their new baby. They come to birthday parties at our house.

I think it is the best for dd and we both try to get along for her sake. She feels stuck in the middle as it.

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#5 of 73 Old 03-23-2009, 03:04 PM
 
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No, she lives 3.5 hours away and even if they do pick him up in our area, I want our house to remain neutral territory. If they move back this way, same thing. I don't need the bad vibes in my home.

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#6 of 73 Old 03-23-2009, 03:20 PM
 
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This was several years ago as my dss is up and out now, but we had a rule against her coming in the house as well. Twice when dropping him off from a visit she was able to convince dss to let her in claiming she had to use the restroom. The first time dh came home early and found her there. We reiterated the rule to both of them but a few weeks later she did the same thing. The second time though dss was nervous about being caught again and went to look for her after a few minutes. He found her going through our master bedroom closet. They had a huge fight and she left. That evening he was very upset telling us about it and said that now he understood our reasons for the rule. As far as we know he never let her in again.
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#7 of 73 Old 03-23-2009, 03:26 PM
 
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Yes, when she comes to pick up my SS I invite her inside, tho she usually just stays at the door. We don't have a sunshine and roses relationship but we try to be civil and polite
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#8 of 73 Old 03-23-2009, 04:32 PM
 
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Yep. We always went in when picking up or dropping off dsd, and now that dsd lives here, when her mom does pick her up she usually waits in the car, but she is welcome to come in if she wants to.

We might not always get along, and we definitely don't always see eye to eye as far as parenting goes, but we are civil with each other. I don't feel threatened when/if she comes inside (other than wanting the place to look presentable... no dirty dishes, no trash, etc. heh).

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#9 of 73 Old 03-23-2009, 05:02 PM
 
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The ex is not allowed in the house at all. That is out of the question
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#10 of 73 Old 03-23-2009, 05:31 PM
 
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Short answer-No.

Longer answer. If it's an all out blizzard with subzero temps and warnings of raging frozen polar bears on the loose and her/him standing there means I'd look like an @ss for leaving them there. Fine. Stand in the entry way. For a brief minute.

But no, my house is my sanctuary and my xh and his xw are just poisonous and angry people. I do not want their energy in my home. FWIW, he and I both have ex's that we wouldn't care if they came in the house, we even hang out with them here and there. But our x-spouses are just a no go.

One time when I was preggo my xh brought my son home and followed him into MY house and came down MY hallway and WALTZED INTO MY FREAKING BEDROOM where I was IN BED TRYING NOT TO HURL. Seeing him pushed that meager effort over the edge, lemme tell ya.

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#11 of 73 Old 03-23-2009, 05:36 PM
 
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I have allowed my husband's ex wife in the house on a couple occasions and she has always said or done something horribly rude and disrespectful. I literally get sick to my stomach being in her presence because of the awful, hateful, angry energy she exudes. When I tell my husband I let her in the house, he says don't ever let her in our home ever. They normally meet at a halfway point between cities. She sometimes comes into our town for shopping and dr. appointments or had to come by because she forgot to send her son with his meds and needed to drop them off and was all pissed that my husband couldn't leave work to drive up to her town to pick up the pills and take them to our home for his son and go back to work (she doesn't work). So, she yells at me at my house about how selfish my husband is for not leaving work to spare her the drive.

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#12 of 73 Old 03-23-2009, 05:56 PM
 
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Yep. We're moving soon (fingers crossed, anyway) and my SD is already eager to show her mom her new room. I understand that.

We're "allowed" in her house, too. My own ex and his wife and stepkids are welcome here, too.

Edit: We occasionally do a holiday dinner together in one house or the other. It works.

I do draw the line at staying over. I suppose I'd make an exception if it were a situation involving a much-delayed-into-the-night flight and a blizzard (we live very close to a major airport; SD's mom lives 90 minutes away). Not here, though--no space. We'll have a proper guest room soon.

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#13 of 73 Old 03-23-2009, 06:05 PM
 
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No. And until she stops threatening to physically harm me, I will not.

Body, I've been more than patient. Please make a baby. Please?
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#14 of 73 Old 03-23-2009, 07:30 PM
 
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Wow, I was a little surprised by the question and the responses. No offense intended. I guess my xh and I are just really civil to each other. He is always welcome to come in when picking up or dropping off the kids. I have remarried last year and he ( xh) has yet to. ( I'm sure he will one day, we are all fairly young.) I would be livid "if" his new wife tried to tell me that I had to wait outside. LOL I prefer to see my children into getting comfy at their dad's house. I'm sure my xh would say the same thing. ( For us that means going in, saying hello, collecting backpacks and making sure the kids are said good bye to, or whatever.)
But that's just me, and our little situation. It works for us.

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#15 of 73 Old 03-23-2009, 07:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Interesting responses!

My dh has no problem (nor do I) with my exh coming in the house--he has always been so respectful of me and dh and dh's relationship with our son. His coming over/in has never been an issue.

But, both dh and I absolutely do not want his ex's negative energy in our home, our sanctuary, ever. She's just too volatile and I don't want her being in my "space". It's just not something I'm interested in and she's not really pushed the issue.
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#16 of 73 Old 03-23-2009, 08:43 PM
 
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Unfortunately DH and I live in the house that DH and XW built together - yuck. We would love to move but it has never been a viable option for a number of reasons. (We could but we would lose out and since there are other things lacking, like they never started planning contribution for college I am too conservative to throw $$ away). Amusingly, she did come in to the house once after they divorced and we were dating - she thought the house was empty and used the old garage door code.
For her part, she concealed the address of the home she moved to for a long time, though that is against the parenting plan. She didn't want to contaminate her sphere.
Happily, all of us adults have been civil and supportive in public and don't bad mouth each other to the kids - but DH and XW definitely are not interested in having each other in their homes.

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#17 of 73 Old 03-23-2009, 08:50 PM
 
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I checked w/DH on this too, just to see if his thoughts were different. And he reminded me that we've actually invited my xbf (a mutual friend of ours) to come stay here when he was going to be in town. His plans changed, so he didn't end up headed this way, but we were both totally ok with it. So yeah, it definitely depends on the ex and how toxic they are.

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#18 of 73 Old 03-23-2009, 08:57 PM
 
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Always. We've even done joint birthday celebrations, etc. I've had drinks at her house several times before. Despite the fact that she often drives me nuts, she's not so bad in person.

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#19 of 73 Old 03-23-2009, 08:57 PM
 
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No way!!!!
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#20 of 73 Old 03-23-2009, 09:34 PM
 
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When we first began joint custody, my husband's ex lived with her sister who wouldn't allow my husband in her house... And things were pretty awful back then, in general, with both working very hard at being civil to each other. The precedent was set at that point, I guess, that the picking-up parent called from the car when they arrived and the exchange happened in the driveway or on the sidewalk. It's become routine for us, and I don't think any of us see it as something hostile at this point, it's just what we've always done. I think we both value the privacy of our own family and own space, and neither party really wants to give that up. It also allowed us all to be much more relaxed and take our time with pick-up/drop-off, which I think is really positive overall.

At one point, my step-daughter wanted to show us something in her room at mom's and mom let my husband and me come in to see it. My husband returned the favor/goodwill by inviting her in one time. I'm fairly certain that is the only time either of us has been in the other one's house.

So, no, neither of us goes into the other person's house, but it isn't something that isn't allowed, it's just a respectful boundary that we all seem to have agreed to and that we are all interested in maintaining. At this point, all exchanges happen at school or at the airport, so it's not really an issue anyway...

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#21 of 73 Old 03-23-2009, 10:06 PM
 
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No way, no how. It would some way, some how be used against us. Unless it was a life or health threatening situation for her to be left outside, like her car wouldn't start and there was a blizzard, then she can go back where she came from. Of course, this would be said nicely and discreetly, for my stepdaughter's sake. That being said, my son and I are not allowed in my stepdaughter's Mother's house, under any circumstances. Not even when my son was 9 and doing the peepee dance and near tears, because he had to pee so bad and couldn't make it the 25 minute drive back to our house. And this was said not so discreetly. In fact, it was insinuated that we were bad parents because we were our with a child who had to pee so badly.

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#22 of 73 Old 03-23-2009, 10:35 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mountaingirl79 View Post
Wow, I was a little surprised by the question and the responses. No offense intended. I guess my xh and I are just really civil to each other. He is always welcome to come in when picking up or dropping off the kids..
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mountaingirl79 View Post
... I prefer to see my children into getting comfy at their dad's house. I'm sure my xh would say the same thing. ( For us that means going in, saying hello, collecting backpacks and making sure the kids are said good bye to, or whatever.)
But that's just me, and our little situation. It works for us.
This. I'm also bit surprised with the responses. Especially with this being a community of peaceful and natural minded folk.

Barring some sort of abuse (and I know a few here who do deal with that from ex's), I can't imagine it is great for the children to know that their parents are not welcome into their home for even a few minutes to drop off/pick up.
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#23 of 73 Old 03-23-2009, 10:43 PM
 
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Mona's mom comes in every time she drops her off. She usually stays in the entry because it's a brief but pleasant exchange. Any time anything has changed in Mona's room she has been anxious to share that with her mother and her sister (who is not DH's child, so half sister), and we welcome that. Mona's mother will always be welcome in our home. But we have a good relationship with her and her DH. I have been in Mona's mother's house, but not upstairs to Mona's room, just in the entry/kitchen/dining areas. It's not necessary for me to go in, because DH goes in to drop off/pick up most of the time. It's only if I am the one doing the pickup on my own that I go in the house. Most of the time though we meet half way between our homes, since we live 40 miles apart.
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#24 of 73 Old 03-23-2009, 11:17 PM
 
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She can come in when picking up dss, and I've been to her other children's bday parties, but we don't hang out. She doesn't hang out with dss here, either. So, it's quick and polite but neither wants the other to linger.
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#25 of 73 Old 03-24-2009, 12:37 AM
 
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I keep thinking about this today. I am giving my girlfriend the addresses for my babyshower that is coming up, and I am considering inviting my ex's fiance.

There was a time in my life that I hated my ex. to the point that the idea of him being in my house made my skin crawl, now I think of him as a decent person that I actually can enjoy being around.
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#26 of 73 Old 03-24-2009, 09:57 AM
 
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dsd's mom and stepdad generally come into the entryway to get dsd. In the summer, we just meet them outside (where we are usually playing anyway). Honestly, I"d prefer not to have her in my house, but I do suck it up for dsd's sake. She has also come over on a few occasions when dsd was upset and missing her to hang out with her for a while. If I pick dsd up, I wait on the porch of her house, except for once or twice when dsd has wanted to show me something in her room. Of course, we used to be on fairly good terms, but that has all gone down the tubes now, so I"m not sure how it will go!

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#27 of 73 Old 03-24-2009, 11:09 AM
 
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I'm the XW. I don't go into my ex's home with his wife and stepkids, but ex DOES come into my house. He kind of slithers in, even though I would prefer he stay outside or in the doorway, he comes in, looks at the things posted on the fridge, noses around. I *hate* it.
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#28 of 73 Old 03-24-2009, 11:48 AM
 
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Um, yeah.... It's fine!! She can definitely come in. DP usually does all the shlepping though so she rarely has the opportunity. She bought the bed for the 2nd bedroom (she used his CS money to get DSD's bed for OUR HOUSE! ISN'T THAT AMAZING!?) so she came in to see it and see the new apartment... I was actually in the other room at the time crying under the covers because DP's parents had bought a TV for the kid's bedroom... I've since made DP remove it, but that's another story.

Anyway when DP goes over there he definitely goes in too. Sometimes he might hang around for a while, like if DSD's mom is out and just the grandmother is there, he will wait with DSD til her mom gets back. It's all peace.
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#29 of 73 Old 03-24-2009, 11:50 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sunflowers View Post
This. I'm also bit surprised with the responses. Especially with this being a community of peaceful and natural minded folk.

Eh.... it only takes one person to make a relationship nasty.
Also for some people they may be totally peaceful and civil but they just have their boundaries and that works well for them.
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#30 of 73 Old 03-24-2009, 11:53 AM
 
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Yes, my ex and DH's ex both come in our house whenever need be. My ex is not nearly in the picture as much as DH's ex. I do not like her very much, but I can be friendly to her for the sake of DSD. I would have a problem with either ex staying here, all night or whatever, but to pick up/drop off DCs? Sure.
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