Originally Posted by Flor
We've been there too. DSs's mother says she only smokes outside, (thought later that was inside, too, after he goes to bed) but the house is just saturated as another person put it. The smell is just there and filled ds's clothes, hair, backpack,e tc. I swear that when I opened his backpack it seemed like a puff of smoke came out (just the smell, of course!). I was embarrassed by it, and concerned about dss's health. We never got anywhere with it as an "issue" though, since she claimed it didn't happen in the house. I can see you putting it in the custody agreement (we have no alcohol and illegal drugs in ours), but it seems hard to enforce. The good thing is that when the child gets older, if he's like mine, he'll get some anti-drug, anti-cigarette lessons at school and will probably torment her with the facts and guilt.
I don't care if you call her biomom. Dss's mom is in jail right now for child endangerment and drug possession, so excuse me if I'm not all in to showing mommies respect right now. It isn't always earned.
Mmmm - I hear you. My kid's biomom (and that is what I have to call her...I am so sorry if it offends anyone but honestly...) hasn't seen them or almost two years now, and hasn't spoken to them since October of '07. They are 7 and 6 right now, and she's been in and out of jail; on the run; not paying any child support; basically refusing to work the entire time.
Honestly, as the woman who cleans up the sick (with no worries), rocks them to sleep, comforts them when they're sick, teaches them, looks into their eyes and loves them unconditionally, I think I can say that I'm pretty peed off with my
children's biomom's behavior. I really don't care if she gave birth to them - I've had a child too, and she didn't live. She has two living children and doesn't give a d*mn about them, or if she does, she's way too wrapped up in whatever
to worry about whether they're even alive or not.
So honestly, as a parent, you gotta get up off your butt and take your children and care for them. It's not just a "feeling" thing - it's a "doing" thing. I'd be completely mad if anyone smoked around my kids - they have breathing difficulties as it is, from years of my DP's ex GF's ENTIRE FAMILY smoking around them, so uh uh, no way...nobody will smoke within twenty feet outdoors
of them in a high wind
It's all very well and good being diplomatic for the "sake of" whatever here, but what are we being diplomatic about? Is it good enough to say "I was diplomatically allowing you to be around your smoking mother and that's why you have asthma..."? Why on earth should any of us have to make allowances for anyone not treating our children right? Why should we, as straight up, loving parents be required to put up with someone else treating our kids like garbage just because they are biological parents?
Would any of you guys be happy with the other parent dangling your kid over long sharp spikes by their underpants all weekend and bringing them home traumatized but saying "well, yes, I dangled them but I didn't drop them - look - they're physically unharmed!"
Bah. It just gets to me, all of this injustice when the children themselves have no say. Jules, I'd do what we did - just don't make contact. Sure, my girl used to ask about her mom sometimes, but then the waiting on the sofa with bags packed, when her biomom wouldn't bother showing up or calling (multiple times) soon made us realize that trying to preserve a relationship where the biological parent simply didn't care was just having a really negative emotional impact on her.
Anyway, didn't mean to rant on then. It's just that a few days ago, I found out that the biomom of my kids is currently hiding out in her mother's apartment block, thirty miles from our house, from the police on several warrants. I guess she's been there for a while, but is so terribly concerned about saving her own skin that she hasn't called, still. Irony is that their paternal grandma has had the same telephone number since 1972, so getting in touch would be so easy, if she gave half a hoot...
Okay, okay, rant over. Thanks for letting me vent al over your post
*HUGE hugs* - hope it gets all sorted out really soon