WWYD- smoking at moms house and telling DSS to lie * Update - Mothering Forums

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Old 03-24-2009, 02:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Dh and his ex used to to split time with DSS 50/50. About 6 months ago DSS mom stopped seeing him regularly, and only sees him twice a month at most, generally only if my Dh hunts her down. it was little hard on DSS at first, but he seems to have adjusted fine now and rarely asks for her anymore.

Anyways, his mom is a smoker and so is her roomate. They live in a very small apartment. Everytime we send DSS over there for a couple days he comes back with all his clothes, toys and hair absolutely reeking of cigarettes. Its bad enough that we have to roll down the windows in the car on the way home and he has to take more than one bath before the smell is gone from his hair. We even have to wash his shoes.

Last winter we had the same problem, though not quite as bad. DSS's ears had a constant build up of red orange discharge running out of his ears and when we took him to the doctor, we were told that it most likely was due to the smoking, and since he has stopped going there regularly it hasn't happened since.

Besides the health issue, after Dss comes back from there is he has been pretending to smoke, using crayons, carrots, etc as cigarettes. When we explain to him that smoking is yucky/ bad for you he responds with "but mommy does it" and " mommy says i can smoke when i older" ( I doubt that that one is true though). In addition to that a couple weeks ago when DH picked him up, he smelled especially like smoke. DH made a comment about it and DSS responded by saying that mommy and Amanda don't smoke near him, but then followed up by saying that mommy told him to say that and that they actually smoke inside on the red chair. We have also been working with him on telling the truth and this has to be confusing to him.

So we really don't know what, if anything we can do about protecting him from the second hand smoke. Also looking for ideas on how to talk to him about smoking and cigarettes without making his mom look bad or making him scared for her health.
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Old 03-24-2009, 02:17 PM
 
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Tell your dh to stop hunting this woman down!

Seriously, all smoking aside, if she's not being proactive about seeing her young child then why push it? Do you have reason to think that this is just some sort of glitch and she'll become a good parent in a couple of years? Why would your dh want her in his child's life, if she's going to do things like damage his health and tell him to lie about what happens at her house?
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Old 03-24-2009, 02:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Tell your dh to stop hunting this woman down!

Seriously, all smoking aside, if she's not being proactive about seeing her young child then why push it? Do you have reason to think that this is just some sort of glitch and she'll become a good parent in a couple of years? Why would your dh want her in his child's life, if she's going to do things like damage his health and tell him to lie about what happens at her house?
Well Dh would much rather just keep him here with us, but occasionally Dss does ask to see his mommy and we don't know what to tell him then. Dh never calls her unless Dss asks him to. Its hard for dh to see him missing his mom so he feels like he should make it happen, for dss sake.
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Old 03-24-2009, 02:46 PM
 
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Oh I had to post to this...This breaks my heart seriously.........For your DSS health put a stop to this lady seeing her son,your DH needs to stop hunting her down............Its hurting his health.........

If this woman can go months without seeing him and smokes all over him SHE LOVES HERSELF THIS WOMAN IS A SELFISH NARSISSTIC LADY.....We live in a time that people know the damage of smoking and second hard smoke....And to smoke all over her child =(.....How old is your DSS I mean do you think she would let him try it smoking aswell?

Is she drinking and having partys as well around this kid?

Sorry to sound snarky if I do thats not how I want to come across,but really you and your DH need to step up and take this child..It sounds like you are very concerend and love him like your own child......His bio mom is confusing him...If you have other kids it going to rub off on them aswell......


Would this lady take money to give up her rights as his mother?

I dont want to judge as this lady may truly love her child but ugh the smoking how cruel and a form of child abuse IMO......


Sorry It really rips me when I see people smoke with babies,kids in cars and pregnant women.......
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Old 03-24-2009, 02:47 PM
 
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There probably isn't much that you can do about the smoking. But I feel your pain. DSD's mom smokes, and I have to air out her backpack, wash her clothes, etc. to get the smell out. Even DSD's hair reeks of it. It's almost a little convenient that her mom often forgets to bathe her, that way we can give her a bath right away when she comes back to our house. DSD's mom claims to only smoke outside, but I know that isn't 100% true.

DSD totally outed her mom last week at the ped's office about the smoking. The nurse asked, "Is there any smoking in the home?" and DSD's mom said "No." DH and I looked at each other with our mouths hanging open. DSD immediately jumped in with, "Yes you smoke!" and DSD's mom says, "Not in the house." Well, not in the house until she's had a few drinks and it is cold outside. I've seen it plenty of times.

I've heard that some people put this sort of thing in their parenting agreements, but it is probably really hard to enforce. She violates it, then what? It doesn't seem like something that a judge would do much about.

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Old 03-24-2009, 02:48 PM
 
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Well Dh would much rather just keep him here with us, but occasionally Dss does ask to see his mommy and we don't know what to tell him then. Dh never calls her unless Dss asks him to. Its hard for dh to see him missing his mom so he feels like he should make it happen, for dss sake


Can they set up like a couple hour visit when he wants to see her? Like were they can just go to the park and be out in the fresh air?
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Old 03-24-2009, 02:51 PM
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First, this woman is his mother, not his "biomom". She may not be a good mother, but she is his mother and it's insulting to giver her a title other than "mother".

Second, smoking sucks and it's not good for this little boy to be around. Has the father said anything to the mother? Does she know that he's been to the doctor for ear infections?

Lastly, this young boy is probably always going to have a difficult experience with his mother and her inability to stick around for very long. Secondhand smoke is not good, but as seldom as he's seeing her, it's not going to kill him. I wouldn't push the issue. Wash his clothes, give him a bath, and let him enjoy what time he has with her without making him feel guilty about the evils and smoking and having to cover for his mother.
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Old 03-24-2009, 03:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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First, this woman is his mother, not his "biomom". She may not be a good mother, but she is his mother and it's insulting to giver her a title other than "mother".

Second, smoking sucks and it's not good for this little boy to be around. Has the father said anything to the mother? Does she know that he's been to the doctor for ear infections?

Lastly, this young boy is probably always going to have a difficult experience with his mother and her inability to stick around for very long. Secondhand smoke is not good, but as seldom as he's seeing her, it's not going to kill him. I wouldn't push the issue. Wash his clothes, give him a bath, and let him enjoy what time he has with her without making him feel guilty about the evils and smoking and having to cover for his mother.
I didn't mean to be offensive, you are right she is his mother, i didn't even think when i wrote that i guess i was just thinking stepmom, biomom.

And yes, Dh has tried to speak to her, told her what the doctor said, she laughed, and it turned into a big fight with no results. And we don't at all try to make him feel like his mom is evil, we always cover for her when she doesn't call back or cancels visits last minute. But we do and will continue to explain to him that smoking is not good when he pretends to do it himself or says that he is going to smoke when he is older because mommy does it.

Aquafina, we haven't tried that but i am sure if dh suggested that she would take it as a huge offense, it'd just be a big fight. Also she knows its wrong to smoke by him and she must have some guilt over it if she asked him to lie about it. Dh says when they were together she neer allowed anyone to smoke anywhere near him. We're both very confused about what happened, with the smoking and her almost overnight lack of interest in him.

At the moment they have no parenting agreement or legal custody order. Dh was getting ready to file for custody, but he recently got laid off and we're completely broke. He's scared to do it without a lawyer and mess something up.
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Old 03-24-2009, 03:47 PM
 
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First, this woman is his mother, not his "biomom". She may not be a good mother, but she is his mother and it's insulting to giver her a title other than "mother".

I am not trying to debate you........I dont think this poster was being rude when calling her a biomom I mean come on she is the childs biological mother......I see no harm in what she posted JMHO........


This poster might not be the DSS bio Mother but she sounds like she is there for her DSS and loves him like a biomother would.......I would be concered if I was in her shoes aswell......And I am sure this bio-mother loves her child but she seriously needs to think about his health first,and I disagree even a small amount of smoke would bug me,and is bad for his health........

Can your DH tell his ex that your DSS is acting like he is smoking and thinks smoking is cool and he is worried about her health and his sons? I mean I would hope if she heard that her DS thought smoking was cool it would bug her.....

I also think its unfair to clean the smoked on clothing......I know that ciggy smoke is hard to washout and stinks up the washer aswell.....


I truly hope everything works out for the positive in this sistuation......
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Old 03-24-2009, 03:54 PM
 
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He's scared to do it without a lawyer and mess something up.
If smoking is the only thing that 'you have against her' I would wait for a lawyer.

Also document visitations and who initiated them, if you go in saying she hasn't contacted your DH to see her son, they are going to want proof.

I couldn't read and not

I know this is an unpopular opinion but I don't think a boy should stop spending time with his mother because she smokes. I understand that it is a health hazard, but she is still his mother. Smoking in the house doesn't lead to crack and floozies.
I also don't see why the mother would want to smoke around her child

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Old 03-24-2009, 04:08 PM
 
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Smoking in the house doesn't lead to crack and floozies.


True True,,,,,But smoking in the house plus canceling visits,and seeing her son once every few months,makes you think party animal,floozie IMO......I know the lady may not even be this way thats just the vibe I get from the post.

I know there are mothers that go through a phase a rebellion phase I did with my first DS Britney Spears did with her boys.....I think thats why this post affects me so much........I just hope they figure out someway to work this all out without affecting the DSS health...I also hope his mother works out her issues,I mean if you are canceling visit and seeing your kid not that much and you know the risks of smoking but still chose to around your child there has to be something going on with her......
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Old 03-24-2009, 04:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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[ Also document visitations and who initiated them, if you go in saying she hasn't contacted your DH to see her son, they are going to want proof.

I couldn't read and not

I know this is an unpopular opinion but I don't think a boy should stop spending time with his mother because she smokes. I understand that it is a health hazard, but she is still his mother. Smoking in the house doesn't lead to crack and floozies.
I also don't see why the mother would want to smoke around her child [/QUOTE]

We do document all pick ups and drop offs, and have phone records that can show that dh initiates vists/ makes the phone calls.

Dh and i def don't want to keep him from seeing his mom, because after all she is his mom and he loves her. It would just be great if we could somehow fix the situation so that we know his health is not being compromised when he is there.

Aquafina, i don't believe my husband has brought up that dss is imitating the smoking/ thinking its cool. I will suggest that to him, it might make a difference.

Everyone, thanks for the support. I know i am not his mother, but i do love him as my own. We would never allow my ds to be in that situation and hurts that Dh and I can't protect dss from it as well when he is there.
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Old 03-24-2009, 05:47 PM
 
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I'm so sorry you guys are broke right now, because I'm sure your dh would feel a lot better about everything if he was on the legal path to having custody. If you've got a good amount of documentation racked up that you've initiated visits, I really do think you might want to try NOT initiating and see what happens. Maybe a full year with no contact would happen, and you could get yourself together financially and approach the custody proceedings from a position of "we are the caregivers, nobody else has been in the picture for a year now, it's time to make it official."

"Well Dh would much rather just keep him here with us, but occasionally Dss does ask to see his mommy and we don't know what to tell him then..."

I don't know what words you can use with a young kid, but some version of the truth is probably best. He's going to figure it out eventually, for sure, unless his mother gets a personality transplant or has some sort of conversion experience.
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Old 03-24-2009, 10:47 PM
 
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Wow what a dilemma!

My FIL smoked. He only quit recently but talks about wishing to start up again. Anyway, whenever we went over there, the house would reek (even though they tried hard to clean up). EVERYTHING stank when we got home, even if it stayed in the suitcase.

My FIL did go outside to smoke, but the house was saturated.

Yet, we went over because it was important for us to continue the relationship.

Another thought is that my mother poisoned me against my father when they got divorced. I ended up not speaking to him for 10 years. I really regret it.

So, I really don't know what I'd do in your situation. On the one hand, it doesn't seem like the mom is making that big of an effort. On the other hand, do you want to be the reason that dss doesn't see her? He may be angry later ...
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Old 03-25-2009, 01:30 AM
 
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We've been there too. DSs's mother says she only smokes outside, (thought later that was inside, too, after he goes to bed) but the house is just saturated as another person put it. The smell is just there and filled ds's clothes, hair, backpack,e tc. I swear that when I opened his backpack it seemed like a puff of smoke came out (just the smell, of course!). I was embarassed by it, and concerned about dss's health. We never got anywhere with it as an "issue" though, since she claimed it didn't happen in the house. I can see you puting it in the custody agreement (we have no alcohol and illegal drugs in ours), but it seems hard to enforce. The good thing is that when the child gets older, if he's like mine, he'll get some anti-drug, anti-cigarette lessons at school and will probably torment her with the facts and guilt.

I don't care if you call her biomom. Dss's mom is in jail right now for child endangerment and drug possession, so excuse me if I'm not all in to showing mommies respect right now. It isn't always earned.
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Old 03-25-2009, 11:46 AM
 
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There was nothing I could do in regards to my ex husband smoking around the kids. The judge said until it was illegal to do so (which it is now in a car, check your state) there isn't much you can do. It is sad, but it isn't the worst, illegal thing in the world.

As for biomom. That is something that is used when speaking of someone who gave their child up for adoption or the child was removed and the rights were severed. I would be extremely offended if my ex's wife called me biomom instead of mom. Just as my step sons mother is mom, not bio or birth mom.

Infact, my sister calls her step daughters mother biomom or birth mom or sometimes even Ed (egg donor). It is totally used as an insult and intended to offend her. I do correct her, but there is no question that it is being used as an insult.
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Old 03-25-2009, 12:42 PM
 
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Well, dss's mother introduces herself as M's biomom, so I'm not too worried about it. Dss (14) tells people I'm the one who has been the "real" mom to him. And, again, she's in jail for child endangerment. In general, I use the term mom, but I'm not going to judge anyone else for qualifying it. You don't know the situation.
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Old 03-25-2009, 12:57 PM
 
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my Dss's mom also is a smoker as is his big brother and maternal grandmother and his cousins and aunts and uncles on his moms side. She usually smokes outside but not always and his grandmother does not. That being said we think it is more important that he has a relationship with all of these people regardless of the smoking. His mom knows that it is an issue for us and we do not want him around smoking especially inside but it still occassinally happens.

As for the issue about him wanting to pretend to smoke and wanting to smoke when he is bigger when DSS talks about wanting to smoke or pretend to smoke I tell him that smoking is yucky it hurts his lungs and his body and he should not do it and if he says that his mom etc... smoke we tell him that smoking is also addictive and that his mom, big brother etc do not want to smoke because it hurts there bodies and makes them feel yucky but because it is addictive it is really hard for them to stop. This way we can be against smoking and not against his family.

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Old 03-25-2009, 01:09 PM
 
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Hello, Ladies! Thank you all for keeping this discussion gentle and open-minded! I will ask you to remember that every family has terms and endearments that they use, and feel comfortable with. It is okay if you do not agree with those names/terms. However, it is perfectly okay if that term works for that family. Please do use this conversation to practice the art of "taking what works for you and your family, and leaving the rest here."

Thanks again for your cooperation.

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Old 03-25-2009, 01:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Maybe some of you didn't see, but i did apologize for calling her biomom, admit that was not right and that i just didn't think when i was writing it. i did not mean it as an insult or offense. In speaking i always refer to her as his mom, because thats what she is. I guess i wrote it like that thinking that it would cause less confusion when reading my post.

With that said i admit that I will never think very highly someone who chooses to go out and party over seeing their child, for weeks at a time. Can listen to a child begging to come over to see her and still ignore his pleas, and cancel visits on his birthday because its the weekend and she made other plans. And laughs at the fact that her smoking is causing ear infections in her son. So no, my opinion of her is not all that high, but that is something that neither her or dss are shown, ever. His mom and are are very friendly with each other when we meet, or talk, never had any confrontations whatsoever and i think thats as good of a relationship as we need under the circumstances. I very wel recognize that even though i am the primary caregiver to this child, i am not his mother. Dss has asked me several times if i am his mom and i carefully explained to him that although i care for him as much as his mom, he came out of her belly so she is his mother and i am his stepmother. He often refers to me as his stepmom, and her as his "real mom". I have no intention of trying to replace her and i have always been very careful to never say or imply anything bad about her to dss. Infact, i am always making up excuses/ covering for his mom when she lets him down because i don't want him to be hurt and i do hope that the situation will improve so that he can someday have a close relationship with his mom again.
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Old 03-25-2009, 01:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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[
As for the issue about him wanting to pretend to smoke and wanting to smoke when he is bigger when DSS talks about wanting to smoke or pretend to smoke I tell him that smoking is yucky it hurts his lungs and his body and he should not do it and if he says that his mom etc... smoke we tell him that smoking is also addictive and that his mom, big brother etc do not want to smoke because it hurts there bodies and makes them feel yucky but because it is addictive it is really hard for them to stop. This way we can be against smoking and not against his family.[/QUOTE]

Thanks for this, this seems like a very good way to approach the subject. I worry about making him think "smoking is bad so mommy is bad because she smokes".

And i do agree that the relationship with his mom is important and Dh does not want to discontinue it, of of course neither do i. That being the reason why dh initiates visits despite concerns.
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Old 03-25-2009, 03:43 PM
 
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I am going to leave the thread unlocked, as long as the tenor of the thread can remain kind. I appreciate that the majority of the posters have remained calm and gentle with one another, which has been the behavior in our Blended and Step Family Parenting forum for quite some time now. However, if posts continue in a less than kind manner, I will have to continue to pull posts and issue alerts, and at that point the thread will be locked. Thanks for your cooperation, Ladies.

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Old 03-25-2009, 04:11 PM
 
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i think smoke is nasty and with 3 grandparents who died from lung cancer and with a mom who currently has lung cancer, i would feel so sick to my stomach about this situation.

however, your dss deserves a relationship with his mom (which sounds like you and your dh support), and he shouldn't have to worry about the smoking issue in anyway, he has no control over it and nor do you and your hubby. i wouldn't even mention it to your dss when he gets home, i would just wash your dss' clothes and give him a bath.

now in regards to his pretend smoking, then i think it's appropriate to talk about smoking, but not in reference to his mom.

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Old 03-25-2009, 04:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i am sorry that offended some of you. It was not my intention and i did not mean it as a insult at all. I personally would not find it offense if i were called biomom and honestly did not realize that it wold offend others. If someone could inform me on how to edit my title i would be more than happy to change it.
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Old 03-25-2009, 04:24 PM
 
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however, your dss deserves a relationship with his mom (which sounds like you and your dh support), and he shouldn't have to worry about the smoking issue in anyway, he has no control over it and nor do you and your hubby. i wouldn't even mention it to your dss when he gets home, i would just wash your dss' clothes and give him a bath.

now in regards to his pretend smoking, then i think it's appropriate to talk about smoking, but not in reference to his mom.
: Exactly.
It's obvious that you care, but I wouldnt spin my wheels needlessly on this one. It would be different if she saw him more often, luckily thats not the case.
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Old 03-25-2009, 04:30 PM
 
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i am sorry that offended some of you. It was not my intention and i did not mean it as a insult at all. I personally would not find it offense if i were called biomom and honestly did not realize that it wold offend others. If someone could inform me on how to edit my title i would be more than happy to change it.
Thank you.
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Old 03-25-2009, 05:50 PM
 
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i think smoke is nasty and with 3 grandparents who died from lung cancer and with a mom who currently has lung cancer, i would feel so sick to my stomach about this situation.

however, your dss deserves a relationship with his mom (which sounds like you and your dh support), and he shouldn't have to worry about the smoking issue in anyway, he has no control over it and nor do you and your hubby. i wouldn't even mention it to your dss when he gets home, i would just wash your dss' clothes and give him a bath.

now in regards to his pretend smoking, then i think it's appropriate to talk about smoking, but not in reference to his mom.
i agree with this but when someones close family member smokes --mom, brother etc... i found it was hard to talk about smoking being yucky without feeling like i was talking about dss's mom and without him bringing his mom as smoker up so i felt like it was good to have a response that talked about smoking being bad while allowing me to point out that the people we love in our life who smoke are not bad. I never brought up smoking in reference to his mom but still needed a way to address his mom

Baby Mama, Law Student, Milk Maker:
Mom-type to DSS 10/12/03, Mom to DS 10/05/06 and DD 11/03/08.
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Old 03-25-2009, 07:02 PM
 
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That's true. If we bring up certain subjects (smoking being one of them) we all know who we are talking about. The one smokers we know!
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Old 03-29-2009, 11:43 AM
 
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i dont which state you are in but in our final custody order the judge specified "father is not to smoke ciggarettes around the children" so sometimes it can be done

Annemarie ~catholic mom of 8 -4 boys (19-16-10-7).Emma)2 girls (3 and 1)Someone new due in April too!An yes I Blog @ You Leave me breadless blog
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Old 04-09-2009, 01:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Just wanted to update. Dh dropped off Dss at his moms three days ago and talked to his mom again about the smoking, for the first she didn't try to fight about it. I picked him up yesterday afternoon and he did NOT smell like smoke for the first in nearly two years! I don't know if it is that Dh spoke to her, or just because she says she is getting over pneumonia, but either way I was very happy and we're crossing our fingers that it sticks!
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