A Couple Bad Weeks-Update#17-Need Thoughts Please - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 36 Old 04-07-2009, 08:35 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm not even sure where to begin this... I just need to share what has been going on because it is driving DH and I nuts.

This past weekend I felt so bad for DSD. DH picked her up Friday night and we noticed her scratching her head a lot. On a hunch we inspected her head.... covered in lice and nits!!! DH calls his ex to let her know and ask if she had noticed DSD scratching at all this week.

Ex, "yeah, we checked her Tuesday and Wednesday but didn't notice anything. Oh yeah, and she had a note in her bag from school that someone had lice there."

Us... um, okay why didn't you mention any of this to us?? Seriously, shouldn't she be giving us a heads up about stuff like this?

DH and I combed out DSD's hair and treated it and all that jazz, and we found hundreds of eggs plus lots of actual lice. ick! We are both having a hard time beleiving how DSD's Mom could have missed that much, and I really don't think that big of an infestation would happen in a day. Do needless to say DH is pretty upset with ex about this.

Then DSD had the runs on top of all this and ex commented that she stayed home from school again this Wednesday due to stomach issues... to which again she didn't tell us til we asked if DSD had been feeling okay this week. :

DSD has missed one day a week since the begining of the year due to stomach issues!!! And DSD's Mom sees no issue in this!!?? DH is trying to get her to ask the peditrician about it, but DSD's Mom doesn't think it's anything to worry about.

DSD's Mom carries the insurance, so I don't think we can just take her to a doc ourselves.

Is there anything at all we can do about this? We are really concerned about DSD's well being.

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#2 of 36 Old 04-07-2009, 08:57 AM
 
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OMG, I am so sorry. It sounds awful!! But you also show such love. Not every stepmom would pick out nits!
I really hope the mother can see the light. You may want to call the school nurse and explain the situation to her. The nurse may be able to convince the mother to take her to the doctor. (Esp. if she has been missing a lot of school, or complaining of her stomach in school.)
Good luck!
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#3 of 36 Old 04-07-2009, 09:14 AM
 
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Do you know what dr she goes to? They should have the insurance information if she's been in during the last year. It seems a little weird that your DH wouldn't have the insurance information. My DH carries the insurance for the kids, but provides DSD's mom with copies of all of the cards. What if there was an emergency?

Last year kids at DSD's school had lice all of the time, so we started putting DSD's hair up before sending her to school. Not sure if it helped, but she didn't catch it. Does your DSD brush her own hair at her mom's? That's the only way I could imagine missing something like that.

She's still in daycare, not elementary school, right? They won't do anything about her missing once a week, but next year, it will be a big problem. One of DSD's friends parents was just given sole custody because when both parents had 50/50, one of the parents was always getting the little girl to school hours late. The parent wound up having to have a meeting with the county attorney and the school threatened to call CPS. So this is something that you definitely want to get straightened out before next year.

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#4 of 36 Old 04-07-2009, 10:34 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Pink... DH has been asking for doctor/insurance information for years to no avail... it's not like we can physically force ex to give it to us. He keeps on asking though.

I have mentioned the truancy laws bit before and likely maybe ex will sing a different tune once she gets hit with fines for DSD missing so much school.

But as it turns out, she won't be in an actual school setting until 1st grade now. Ex found an all day kindergarden/daycare place for DSD next year.

DH really wishes he had custody, but all lawyers we have talked with in PA basically said there has to be serious neglect for a Dad to get custody, and that is even a sketchy thing because I know people who have fought for custody where the Mom was doing drugs and they still weren't awarded custody.

And no... DSD doesn't brush her own hair. Her Mom gives her a bath every night and brushes her hair. That is why this is so mind blowing. The poor kid had bite marks covering all skin around her ears and everything. It was just really bad. I had a hard time controlling my mouth to DSD's Mom. I really wanted to tell her to get her eyes checked.

I am sort of kicking myself for not taking pictures of her head. My peditrician does know we were hit with lice though because I called for advice on how to treat the baby and myself as I'm breastfeeding.

As for just taking DSD to the doc.... I don't know if we could... we only get her on weekends and they don't do weekend appointments. I doubt DSD's Mom would let us take her during the week. She always "forgets" to tell DH when DSD's appointments are even though he has continuiously asked to go forever.

The whole thing is very upseting and frustrating.

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#5 of 36 Old 04-07-2009, 12:22 PM
 
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"One of DSD's friends parents was just given sole custody because when both parents had 50/50, one of the parents was always getting the little girl to school hours late. The parent wound up having to have a meeting with the county attorney and the school threatened to call CPS. So this is something that you definitely want to get straightened out before next year..."

Or maybe you want to let it reach a crisis point, so that your dsd has a chance of winding up living with somebody who is willing to pick the nits out of her hair.

Not that it's great for a child of any age to miss school, but in the first grade it probably wouldn't do any lasting harm, and MIGHT bring some much-needed attention to your dsd's living situation.
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#6 of 36 Old 04-07-2009, 01:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Smithie ... yeah... as crappy as it is for DSD... at this point I am sort of praying for a crisis sort of thing to happen that would put custody favor in our league. I know that is awful... but I can't stand it. She is not a healthy child and all her Mom seems to care about is taking her to Jonas Brothers concerts or whatever else is the latest kid desire. I try very hard to not judge her parenting as that opens the door for her to do so to us... but when it is interferring with DSD being a healthy kid, I'm sort of at my wits end about it.

She keeps DSD out late to go to these different shows, ball games etc.... and has to get her up early for school and then complains to us how DSD is so tired and doesn't want to get up! It hurts my head dealing with her.

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#7 of 36 Old 04-07-2009, 01:09 PM
 
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Yeesh. I can't imagine being in that kind of situation. The state I live in is so progressive when it comes to ensuring that both parents actually parent the child. They prefer that the non-custodial parent have at least 25% of the time. It would be hard to live someplace where only the mom has a say with no regard for anything else.

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#8 of 36 Old 04-07-2009, 02:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It is hard. And to get any rights what so ever for Dad is a fight. It's pretty ridiculous.


So interesting... I called DSD's school just on a hunch to follow up with the lice issue... they said DSD is the first reported case that they never sent a notice home last week like DSD's Mom claimed. Why is she lying? And if she is lying about that, what else is she lying about? kwim?

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#9 of 36 Old 04-07-2009, 03:20 PM
 
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You really should be able to take her to the doctor - they will have her insurance info on file. That way all of this will be documented.

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#10 of 36 Old 04-07-2009, 03:51 PM
 
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So interesting... I called DSD's school just on a hunch to follow up with the lice issue... they said DSD is the first reported case that they never sent a notice home last week like DSD's Mom claimed. Why is she lying? And if she is lying about that, what else is she lying about? kwim?
That seems like such a strange thing to make up. What would the point be?

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#11 of 36 Old 04-07-2009, 04:17 PM
 
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Your dh's ex won't give you dr/insurance info b/c she doesn't want anything to be documented. Very sly.

Yeah, and I don't know why she'd lie about the note being sent home either.

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#12 of 36 Old 04-07-2009, 09:52 PM
 
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Your DH has a right to request his daughters medical records. He might want to exercise it. Also, she cannot stop you from taking her to the doctor on your time (say you have her during the week on a break) as it falls under day to day care. Of course YMMV depending on state with regards to taking her in.

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#13 of 36 Old 04-07-2009, 10:27 PM
 
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If there is a custody agreement in place, read it and find out what it says specifically about taking her to the doctor. It might say that you need mom's consent, it might say you need to simply notify her, it might say you can't take her at all. If they have joint legal custody and a legal custody agreement, it should be addressed in the paperwork.

I agree with others that the office should have medical insurance information on file... after an initial visit to the pediatrician, I have never again had to give them insurance information for my children, even when visits were a year or more apart. In fact, dad can probably pull her insurance information off the paperwork-- I know my kids' insurance info is always given to me to verify.

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#14 of 36 Old 04-08-2009, 08:54 AM
 
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Your DH has a right to request his daughters medical records. He might want to exercise it.
I didn't even think of that! The insurance info would probably be on the first page!

Another way to go about it (if you know what company she uses) would be to a) have your dh request cards directly from the company (he is the *parent* and they should be given to him) or to have the doctor's office call for the numbers. They probably won't give the numbers to him, but they are the ones that need them for billing.

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#15 of 36 Old 04-08-2009, 06:28 PM
 
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i know there is a standard federal form to use when requesting information about medical and school records and meeting roadblocks... i belong to another sm site and will ask for it there. i'll let you know what it is asap... being a sm and non-custodial dad is hard

your dh and you do have rights, and it doesnt have to be all court and annimosity either even if the bm wants it that way or is reticent about sharing info, you can go straight to the source for pretty much every thing. i am in canada and we have different laws here, but i have an online gf in pa who will know laws specific to your state

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#16 of 36 Old 04-09-2009, 11:01 PM
 
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i know there is a standard federal form to use when requesting information about medical and school records and meeting roadblocks...
http://deltabravo.net/custody/access.php

I didn't find a form, but I found a summary of the laws regarding your husband's right to school and medical records. The link will take you to the state-by-state index and you can click on your state to see the laws that apply.

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#17 of 36 Old 04-10-2009, 08:46 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you Aricha!


Okay update on the lice issue... DSD's Mom told DH last night that they came back already and she had to keep her out of school 2 more days and re-do her hair!

I am pretty concerned about this and wondering how she got them back so quickly, unless someone at school or something isn't taking care of something?


Anyway, in a blended aspect.... If she still has them next week when we are supposed to get her, WWYD? Currently our house is totally free of the critters... and I'm really worried about DD getting them as you can't do much to treat a baby's head. I think DH should go visit her while the lice issue is still on the table... but I want to hear other thoughts on this.

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#18 of 36 Old 04-10-2009, 10:28 AM
 
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"I think DH should go visit her while the lice issue is still on the table... but I want to hear other thoughts on this. "

I disagree with this, honestly. Keep the regular scheduled custody rotation/visit, lice or not. If my DSD had lice I would treat it just as if she were here full time (she is here 50% of the time) and deal with it. You don't want to make her feel bad either KWIM?

For me (and this isn't "advice") I am of the opinion if you are with your own kids thru sicknesses and wouldn't keep or send them away to another home to protect your other kids, you would deal with it as it they were your own, or work with your partner, because that is his baby...

Now, I have my own kids 95% of the time, so if one of them was sick I may just keep them home and re-schedule a visit with their dad because they are much more comfy here when sick. But I have stayed with my DSD lots when she wasn't feeling well and her mama had to work, or it was our week to have her.

Back to the lice, maybe you can inspect her right away before she gets too far into the house, keep her away from baby and baby's bedding? I don't know much about it, we haven't had a lice issue yet (I had them in 3rd grade) but with my own kids...I have no idea.

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#19 of 36 Old 04-10-2009, 10:47 AM
 
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You know, taking the re-infestation into consideration with the fact that the school told you your DSD was the first reported case of lice and they hadn't sent any letter home the other week......I think it's entirely possible she reaquired the lice at HOME, not at school. Perhaps her mom needs to do a really thorough house cleaning and delousing of her home/clothing/bedding so she doesn't keep getting infested. It's really not fun to do (BTDT) but it's the only sure way to keep the critters away.


ETA: that's not to imply her mom is some type of slob; sometimes we just get into weird situations and have to deal with them, though. I got lice as an adult while working with children in a third world country. Weirdness happens to everyone.

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#20 of 36 Old 04-10-2009, 11:08 AM
 
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1st...most lice shampoos don't work very well. It's entirely possible that you didn't fully get rid of it. I've seen the bugs swim in the shampoo and not die. They've become immune to the stuff.

2nd...don't mess with the schedule. Just have her walk straight into the bathroom when she comes in the door, without sitting down or touching anything. Have DH treat her for lice while you put every thing that came in the door with her into the washer (even the clothes that are supposed to be allready clean will need to be rewashed and dried). Then go straight out to your car and treat her carseat (this is a common reinfection cause). Do this for every visit until the lice are no longer a problem.

3rd...request her school and medical records. If that doesn't work you can send a certified letter to her requesting insurance information. IF that doesn't work, then ask the attorney to get the info for you.

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#21 of 36 Old 04-10-2009, 12:52 PM
 
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Lice shampoo is toxic worthless crap you can get some suave coconut shampoo and conditioner and keep her coated with the conditioner and her hair braided or wrapped. You can throw all her bedding and stuff in the dryer and bag up her stuff when she leaves. I would not worry at all about a short sparce haired baby getting lice but if I were you I would wash with the coconut shampoo and use the conditioner.
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#22 of 36 Old 04-10-2009, 01:21 PM
 
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We had this problem with my DD and the lice lasted over a month. What finally did it (after all 5 doses of Rid and mayo and olive oil and . . . ) was Tea Tree Oil shampoo. It worked wonders!!

There is a brand called Desert Essence (I think) that has a shampoo and conditioner for "Problems."

In addition, a friend of mine couldn't find the shampoo, so she got regular shampoo and added a thimble-full of pure tea tree oil. That worked really well.

I also used the tea tree oil shampoo and never was infested. I hope that can help you.
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#23 of 36 Old 04-10-2009, 04:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks! DSD's Mom claims she has turned their house upside down cleaning.


I did read about tea tree oil and was considering checking out the nature store I go to to see if they have a special shampoo with it.

And actually my baby isn't sparse haired. lol Tis why I worry about her. Her hair is as long as some toddlers; we can put bows and clips in it easily.


We only have DSD 4 days/month... so it really stinks that our only time to see her will be spent cleaning and laundrying again because of the lice. I wish her Mom would find the source and nip this thing in the bud.

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#24 of 36 Old 04-10-2009, 10:58 PM
 
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Tea Tree oil works as a deterrent as well. So if you add 10-12 drops to your regular shampoo, and your DSD uses it at your house, it will help keep the lice from choosing your DSD next time.

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#25 of 36 Old 04-13-2009, 02:40 AM
 
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I have also found the lice products sold at stores to be worthless.

When dd got lice over a year ago, I got a recipe for natural stuff that actually worked. Also, I found that a cheap metal flea comb ($2) worked better than the plastic lice combs.

Here is the recipe:

For the base, use coconut, olive or mineral oil-a little more than enough to cover dsd's hair. (I used mineral oil (pharmacy) because the coconut was pricey, but if money isn't a factor, coconut is better...)

2tbs each of:
Tea trea oil (in vitamin section)
Peppermint extract (baking section)
Anise extract (baking section)
1tsp of cinnamon
Mix together and cover hair a little thicker than you would with shampoo.
Cover with shower cap, a pair of undies work in a pinch
Leave on for an hour and then wash and condition with either Coconut or Tea Tree oil shampoo/conditioner.

To loosen nits, you can spray hair with vinegar.
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#26 of 36 Old 04-13-2009, 12:41 PM
 
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Sorry if this is redundant (I don't have time to read all the other responses), but you almost certainly have the right to take your ste-daughter to the doctor. Check your state law online, if you're really concerned, but in most states, family law is pretty clear that both parents - regardless of custodial status - have the right to full access to all the child's medical records; the right to seek medical treatment for the child when the child is with them; and the right to have a copy of the child's insurance card and a copy of the document detailing what's covered. Lice happens. Sorry! But I would be quite concerned about a child missing school once a week for anything, especially stomach issues. It could be a parasite, or it could also be psychological. You should find out.

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#27 of 36 Old 04-20-2009, 03:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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UGH!!! :

DSD showed up Friday still with nits in her hair!!!

When is this going to end? And now DSD's Mom is blaming me for not washing all her clothes properly or something and that she must be getting them at our house. HOW when she shows up here with them??? And she is only here EOW! And no one in our house has them??

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#28 of 36 Old 04-20-2009, 04:00 PM
 
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I love how it is your fault and not your DH's fault.

She has twelve days to get rid of them. You guys have two. This is ridiculous. I'm pretty surprised that no one else at either house has gotten them. Then again, since you guys seem to be the only ones able to find them, it is probably entirely possible that everyone at her mom's house has them and they just can't see them. Or are not checking.

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#29 of 36 Old 04-20-2009, 04:46 PM
 
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It is hard. And to get any rights what so ever for Dad is a fight. It's pretty ridiculous.


So interesting... I called DSD's school just on a hunch to follow up with the lice issue... they said DSD is the first reported case that they never sent a notice home last week like DSD's Mom claimed. Why is she lying? And if she is lying about that, what else is she lying about? kwim?
the school should know who her doctor is. they have to have that info when signing up. your dh (the bio dad) has all the right to ask the school those questions. if they got a divorce then his rights are covered. esp if they have 50/50 custody. call the school and ask who the doc listed is. then call the doc and have dh voice his concerns about lice and the diarrhea to the docs office. some places are open on sat. ask.

Me,DH,DS1'95, '98,DSD'03,DD1'07,DD2'09,DS2'12 Living with Fructose Malabsorption Syndrome and Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome Type 3-Hypermobility.)o( and sometimes I get toif I am lucky.
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#30 of 36 Old 04-20-2009, 09:50 PM
 
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Sorry you guys are dealing with this. Lice is just so gross. We had a similar problem with lice when we were kids, except it was going the opposite way. We caught lice when there was a huge out break at school, and not knowing it, went to my dad's for the weekend. My mom figured it out when we came back from the weekend, but our bedding at my dad's had already been infested. Of course, my mom told him and he and my stepmom said they cleaned the house. Which, I think they did - just not to the standards required to get rid of lice (their house wasn't dirty, just that they didn't wash the bedding in hot enough temp). We would get re-infested every other weekend. It was a huge fight, but my mom was required to send us. It got to the point where we would come home from my dad's, my mom would undress us in the back yard and take us straight to the bathroom and do lice treatments. It was awful.

I would keep in touch with the school about this. They don't want ongoing lice problems, either. Maybe they can work with the mom to get it dealt with. This may seem drastic, but when I taught public school, we called the public health department a couple of times when families wouldn't get the lice cleaned up. They would send a nurse out to the home and help the family deal with it.
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