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#1 of 33 Old 04-21-2009, 02:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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DS goes to BD every other weekend, and spends one night with him. The first time, DS came back in the same underwear, pants, and socks, but a different shirt. This last time, DS came back in the exact same outfit. It was washed, but not appropriate for the weather (when I sent him it was 70's, when next day was down in 50's and rainy, NOT T-shirt weather). I sent BD an email asking to please change DS clothes and make sure they are appropriate for the weather. I told him even if he washes the clothes, to change them, because we are trying to get DS to understand that he needs to change his clothes every day (especially socks and underwear). BD wrote back and basically implied that the clothes DS has at his house (from him) need to stay at his house. I think DS should have ONE wardrobe between the two houses, BD would keep what DS wore on Sat. and send him back in something different on Sunday, and keep the cycle like that. I remember when I was growing up my step mom was very anal about keeping my clothes from them at my dad's house (I lived with my dad), and when I would come back from a visit with my mom, I would get grilled on where clothes were. I guess I don't know what is "normal"? I mean, they're just clothes, but I don't want DS to feel the separation and alienation I felt over something like this. Not only that, but I have enough to keep track of, without worrying where the shirt is that BD sent him home in. Now, I can understand for a special occasion, or there was a time recently when BD asked me to send DS in a specific shirt, and I did, I think that's normal, but having "Mom's house clothes" and "Dad's house clothes" seems a bit extreme??
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#2 of 33 Old 04-21-2009, 03:56 PM
 
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My ex and I were a little silly about the clothes right after we broke up, when feelings were raw. You are right that it's nothing to create tension over! Your position (that "mom's house" & "dad's house" wardrobes are silly) is the most reasonable. But if it's hard for your ex to spend so much time away from his son, and having certain articles of clothing, that he picked out for your son, stay at his house in some way makes him feel better, then let it go. Why don't you go to a 2nd-hand shop and get a change of warm-weather and cold-weather clothes for your son, to send to dad's house? Then your son will have more than one outfit from "your" wardrobe, when he's there - and dad won't fear that if he lets the kid wear a different outfit home, he'll be sending a favorite shirt off to your house, never to be seen again...

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#3 of 33 Old 04-21-2009, 04:53 PM
 
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adding onto the PP's idea, maybe you can get an overnight bag with a few options of clothing (for various weather) that is his "daddy visit" bag. The things in that bag could be used only for coming and going from dad's and you can make sure they are clean/appropriate when they come back to you.

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#4 of 33 Old 04-21-2009, 05:15 PM
 
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I personally hate the two wardrobe thing myself, but in our case it's DSD's Mom that wants us to send her back in same clothes. We have never gotten an overnight bag, so we need to provide clothes for her to wear here. And in cases where I don't get a chance to do the laundry, I do send back DSD in "our" clothes and Mom always grills me where her clothes are, so I started giving them back in a bag, dirty when I don't have time to do wash. I don't love this option though because sometimes we don't get "our" clothes back then, and to have to constantly replenish a wardrobe for EOW is hard on the pocketbook, even with shopping consignment shops.

So maybe your ex doesn't have enough clothes at his house... does he pay a good amount in CS? Do you mind sending an overnight bag with some different weather clothes?

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#5 of 33 Old 04-21-2009, 05:42 PM
 
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Growing up we always packed a bag of clothes to take to dad's for the weekend. We also some some extra outfits that stayed at my dad's, but they were usually hand-me-downs or grubby clothes for play and tramping in the woods.
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#6 of 33 Old 04-21-2009, 05:57 PM
 
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We have two intermingled wardrobes--SD doesn't pack to come here, but we also don't really care what ends up at whose house. If we need a particular outfit for a particular function (i.e. the one really nice dress SD has, for my graduation) SD's mom will send it over.


(And I wondered if you lived in WI because I recognized your weather. It's gonna be 70s again by the end of the week.)

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#7 of 33 Old 04-21-2009, 06:01 PM
 
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Clothes here get mingled. It's simply too hard to keep them separate. Their mom has swim trunks and stuff at her house, but for a while she didn't and we'd just send the boys with what she needed. And if she runs low on pants for whatever reason, we just send extra.
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#8 of 33 Old 04-21-2009, 06:25 PM
 
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DSD was always free to decide what to bring in and what to take back.

We went clothes shopping with her, and she took that clothes to her mom's. Now that she lives here, she goes shopping with her mom, and brings it here. I'm all for minimizing the drama and making it easier on the kids.

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#9 of 33 Old 04-21-2009, 07:07 PM
 
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We keep Dss clothes that we buy here and send him to his moms in her clothes. We used to not worry about it, but after an entire summer of us sending him there in new/nice clothes and her sending him back in clothes sized 18-24 months (he's a size 4-6), we started sending him back in her clothes. Its not so much of an issue now because she doesn't see him very often, but when we were losing one or two outfits a week and NEVER seeing them again, i was pretty mad. She even took a nice vintage coat my mom bought him and refuses to send it back, even now that i doesn't fit him anymore, (i wanted to save it for my Ds), claiming that she is the one that bought it for him.
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#10 of 33 Old 04-21-2009, 08:56 PM
 
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We used to not worry about it, but after an entire summer of us sending him there in new/nice clothes and her sending him back in clothes sized 18-24 months (he's a size 4-6), we started sending him back in her clothes...when we were losing one or two outfits a week and NEVER seeing them again, i was pretty mad...
I have to admit, when I said before that my ex and I were silly about the clothes when we 1st broke up, quite a bit of it was me, with these same sorts of issues. I really loved some of the things I bought our twins and the outfits that got left at dad's never seemed to get worn again, until they were too small. Plus, there were special things I wanted to save. Plus it irritated me that the kids were coming home in hand-me-downs from the son of my ex's new live-in girlfriend, and I felt mad that he lived with that kid, but was irregular about showing up for visitation with ours (back then, not now). Getting on with life and over a lot of those feelings has really helped. Admittedly, it also helps that a couple years ago, he married a different woman. I really like her...and she's kind of a shopaholic, who has pretty nice taste in clothes, so I certainly don't mind the boys wearing the stuff she buys them, when the wardrobes from our 2 houses get intermingled!!

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#11 of 33 Old 04-21-2009, 09:15 PM
 
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We wash the clothes that dsd comes in and send them back when they are clean. Dsd's mom does the same. It works out well. Perhaps you can assure your ex that you will send the clothes back the next visit in an overnight bag or whatever.

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#12 of 33 Old 04-21-2009, 10:22 PM
 
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We also keep clothing seperate, but we do it by sending the clothes to the appropriate, house in a bag, after washing them. We have different tastes in clothing in the 3 households (mine, dsd's mom, and dds' dad) so i prefer it that way. Main winter coats go to both houses, but we did buy extra coats, snow pants, and boots to keep here. That happened the first time youngest dd came home in shoes (I sent her in boots) and it snowed the next day and we wanted to go sledding but no boots!
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#13 of 33 Old 04-21-2009, 10:27 PM
 
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Since I buy all the clothes, it's one wardrobe for two houses.

Definitely not something exdp or I care about.

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#14 of 33 Old 04-21-2009, 10:41 PM
 
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I buy the clothes and I try to provide extra seasonal stuff for her dad's house. She spends about 2 overnights per month there so I pack a bag. The clothes she wore over tend to take a week or two to come home but they always do come home so I don't worry too much about what goes over. I do tend to send her over wearing clothes I don't mind "losing" for a while or clothes that can take the heat of the dryer (a few items I loved shrunk there) but otherwise, I'm OK with the deal.

If they sent her home in inappropriate clothing and I never saw the things I purchased again, I'd buy her a "weekend" wardrobe from Target or the thrift store and not think about it again. The clothes I had an attachment to or I wanted to resell/hand down would not go over and would be designated as "special ocassion" outfits or "school" clothes so dd wouldn't feel sad about not being allowed to wear a particular item to her dad's.

Socka and underwear and jammies... I could not care less about coming home. As long as she was wearing them.

I think that would really get my goat- that your ds's dad doesn't change his undies! Can you buy a few pairs for him to keep there?
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#15 of 33 Old 04-21-2009, 11:50 PM
 
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I have to admit, when I said before that my ex and I were silly about the clothes when we 1st broke up, quite a bit of it was me, with these same sorts of issues. I really loved some of the things I bought our twins and the outfits that got left at dad's never seemed to get worn again, until they were too small. Plus, there were special things I wanted to save. Plus it irritated me that the kids were coming home in hand-me-downs from the son of my ex's new live-in girlfriend, and I felt mad that he lived with that kid, but was irregular about showing up for visitation with ours (back then, not now). Getting on with life and over a lot of those feelings has really helped. Admittedly, it also helps that a couple years ago, he married a different woman. I really like her...and she's kind of a shopaholic, who has pretty nice taste in clothes, so I certainly don't mind the boys wearing the stuff she buys them, when the wardrobes from our 2 houses get intermingled!!
My feeling on the matter of clothes is that I buy them for him and it shouldn't matter where he wears them. The main problem was that all she was trading all his baby clothes for the clothes that we bought/fit him and we were left with no outfits that fit him. I ended up having to clothes shop several times for him last summer, just so he would have something decent to wear. Financially just not feasible for us.
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#16 of 33 Old 04-22-2009, 01:13 AM
 
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My steps have two wardrobes. Their mom refused to pack bags for them, and so my husband had to buy clothes for them at a time when he had very little money. Whatever she was trying to prove backfired, however, as I think the act of getting clothes for Dad's place made the kids feel more at home and less like a visitor.
Their mom did go through a period of making the kids uneasy b/c they were wearing the same clothes back on Sun night that they wore on Friday, and to alleviate their stress I washed their clothes before Sunday, even though I knew they were going to land in a laundry bucket as soon as they got back home and into bed. Luckily she dropped this requirement later, which was good timing b/c I had a newborn and didn't want any more laundry than was necessary!
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#17 of 33 Old 04-22-2009, 09:01 AM
 
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This used to be one of our biggest problems. DSD has two distinct wardrobes (we are 50/50 custody, btw). Two of everything - backpacks, snowpants, winter coats, whathaveyou. It started when DH told DSD's mom that CS would be reduced when we went from EOW to 50/50 and she refused to send a bag out of spite, necessitating the purchase of an entire wardrobe in a day. Never mind that we had already bought DSD a fair amount of clothing - her mom just kept it all.

Things really became distinct when she started school, because her mom will send her to school in things that we will not (stained, ripped, wrong size - 18-24 mo on a 1st grader). Also, we spend a fair amount of money on nice clothing. Her mom does not. Both DH and I have a "thing" about the kids looking nice for school and family gatherings. The clothing from our house gets resold to fund the next clothing purchase, which means things have to be washed carefully to keep them in good condition.

Also, DSD's mom smokes. She claims not to smoke in the house, but everything from that house reeks of cigarette smoke. Kids should not smell like a pack of Marlboros, IMO, and no amount of washing fully gets that out.

So at this point, whatever she arrives in gets put in a bag and sent back the next week. I usually wash things, but request that her mom does not (It was a waste of her time anyway, because I would just rewash to remove the cigarette smell). We used to send her back in the clothes she came in, but we do not do that anymore because we switch on a school day.

I get the feeling that DSD's mom thinks that she should just have one wardrobe between the two houses. Which is is funny since she is the one who started the two wardrobe concept in the first place. At this point, our taste in clothing and the care of that clothing is just too different. It does help that DSD doesn't have to remember which things are which house when she arrives at a house, her things are already there. No packing required. No driving to the other house for the forgotten lunchbox or snow boots. We used to have a lot of clothing issues, but now that we found something that works, things are so much better.

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#18 of 33 Old 04-22-2009, 10:47 AM
 
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We have 4 kiddos with for different x's.
I have sole custody of my oldest, so there is no issue there.
I have 50/50 with my youngest who is 10, and we try to keep clothes separate because his dad does not have the same standard of care for clothes that we do. There are some clothes that go back and forth, but not many. I try not to stress over it too much unless it's something special.

My sd has two different wardrobes, and she sometimes complains about it (she's 8), but her mom loses clothes all the time. The times that we have let her take things to her mom's they haven't come back unless we go fetch them. I think SD is starting to see why we do it this way though, because she has taken things to her mom's, the items have been lost, and she misses them.

My ss has the same set up, and he's 2 so that works for both parents, although his mom (different from sd's mom) is more responsible with clothes, and if something from our home gets sent to her home, she will return it washed, and we do the same for her.
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#19 of 33 Old 04-22-2009, 11:01 AM
 
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DD only goes to actually stay with XP once a week and i also used to get irritated that i send her to her dad in super-nice clothes only to never see them again until they don't fit because he's put them in a drawer and forgotten to pass them back/put them on her the following week. It does bother me still if it happens (maybe it shouldn't though). I do buy clothes for her, not me (i.e. not for my style/taste reasons) but it isn't like SHE is getting to wear them anyway.

Also he will put things on her he likes often and other things not at all - she has a pair of age 2-3 jeans with an elasticated waist worn right through at the knees and is wearing a pair of age 2-3 ones today which she came home in last week after i hadn't seen them for about 5 months that are a) completely brand new looking and b) already too short...

I haven't resolved this yet, longterm. As she grows things fit longer and it is less of an issue. But today for example i called him and said she had lovely new organic underwear on, and that i'd send her with a second, identical pair, but could i please have both back because i really want her to have the benefit of wearing them and he was fine about it. Communication is probably the best solution...call your ex and ask how he thinks you can resolve it together? You could have 1 big wardrobe or 3 (1 with you, one with him, one that gets swapped the whole time)?
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#20 of 33 Old 04-22-2009, 12:08 PM
 
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We had such an issue with this a few years ago that we used to label all of DSD's clothing with a sharpie marker on the tags because her mom couldn't be bothered to send back any of the clothing we sent her there with (I even told her it was no big deal if it was dirty, I don't mind laundry). She would send DSD back to us wearing too-small, stained or ripped, or weather-inappropriate clothing and rapidly her wearable wardrobe at our house shrank to nothing. So we finally started labelling and telling DSD that she needed to bring back anything marked with a D (for Dad's house) in her backpack, dirty or clean, on Sunday nights after a weekend spent at her mom's. Not great to put that responsibility on DSD, but her mom repeatedly ignored our requests to send back clothing or claimed she forgot to bring it with her at dropoff time, so that was the solution that finally worked for us. I can't tell you how upset I was when DSD invited me in to see her room at her mom's house one day and there was a huge closet in her room full of nice clothing, yet she was always coming back to us wearing last year's worn-out stuff.
Now that she's 11, we're all a bit more relaxed about the whole thing, but we do have a rule that brand new clothes we buy her must stay at our house because they still tend to never come back.
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#21 of 33 Old 04-22-2009, 12:17 PM
 
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Eek, some of these stories are making me even more nervous for blended living. Honestly though - do some people really cram four to six year olds into size twenty-four month clothing? Maybe my kids are just tanks, but my SIXTEEN month old is outgrowing 2T already...

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#22 of 33 Old 04-22-2009, 12:34 PM
 
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My just-turned 3 year old is comfortably in age 4 clothes. Last week she came back from her dads in a 18-24 month vest which, to be fair, he had cut the poppers off (it had been a button-under when new!)! I *just* covered her bellybutton. She survived fine of course, but where is the nice long cotton vest i sent her in....?
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#23 of 33 Old 04-22-2009, 01:01 PM
 
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Eek, some of these stories are making me even more nervous for blended living. Honestly though - do some people really cram four to six year olds into size twenty-four month clothing? Maybe my kids are just tanks, but my SIXTEEN month old is outgrowing 2T already...
I think that my DSD's mom just doesn't ever purge her closet of older clothing. DSD is very thin, so she *can* cram herself into an 18-24 mo skort because there is usually room for a diaper, but it is obscenely short on her. Her mom might even look on this as being a source of pride (my daughter is so thin, she can fit into toddler clothes! ). Same thing with shirts - sure, she can get into a 2T shirt, but her belly is hanging out.

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#24 of 33 Old 04-22-2009, 03:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow, thank you guys so much for all the responses! I thought this thread would go un-noticed, because it is so...petty? in the grand scheme of things. You are all great

I think we came up with a decent solution. I will gather up a few articles of clothing, a few pairs of pants, shirts, socks and underwear to send over there. As long as it is clean and different, it's okay. That way BD has the option of sending DS back in something of "his" our "ours".

I'm also going to tell BD when DS outgrows something that came from his house, I will give it back to him if he wants to save it, or pass it on to one of his nephews. I know I save everything. Hopefully that works!!

*Note: He wasn't changing his socks or underwear, but he DID was them.
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#25 of 33 Old 04-22-2009, 07:39 PM
 
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glad you have a solution!

My daughter is at the age where she picks her own clothes now, so I can't chose the "cheap" clothes anymore. she does not even spend the night with her dad, but somehow her outfit gets changed, "my" clothes get lost and she gets sent back in stained outfits that are too small or too big. I always have to return these, but I never see the clothes she went in again!

it frustrates me!!!
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#26 of 33 Old 04-22-2009, 09:20 PM
 
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Eek, some of these stories are making me even more nervous for blended living. Honestly though - do some people really cram four to six year olds into size twenty-four month clothing? Maybe my kids are just tanks, but my SIXTEEN month old is outgrowing 2T already...
Yep, Dss's mom has sent him in stretchy shorts 2t shorts that fit like underwear and 18 month long sleeve sweaters that only come to his elbows. And he's a 4 year old that is 44" tall and 47 pounds.

Tymne, that sounds like a good solution
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#27 of 33 Old 04-23-2009, 09:08 AM
 
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My stepdaughter's Mother seems to think that every single thing my stepdaughter owns belongs at HER house, regardless of who bought it, regardless of how new it is, how expensive it was, how special it was (like the sweater my Grandmother made for my stepdaughter that got "lost" at her Mother's house) and regardless of how many times we ask for it back. If we want my stepdaughter to have weather appropriate clothes and the right sized clothes, we have three options- 1. keep buying her clothes, knowing that an average of 4-6 outfits will disappear per month, most likely to never be seen again, at her Mother's house, 2. dress my stepdaughter in my son's hand-me-downs, (someone on this thread said something about being angry that their child's Father dresses their child in his girlfrield's child's hand-me-downs, but I'm not sure I understand why- we try to avoid it because of my stepdaughter's preference, but if she didn't mind, or if she was a boy as well, most her wardrobe would be hand-me-downs), or option 3. is for us to limit as much as possible the clothes that we buy going to my stepdaughter's Mother's house. My stepdaughter has pretty much taken it into her own hands- "Remind me to change this shirt/take this bracelet off before I go back to my Mother's house. She never lets me bring them back."

It would be nice if we could just have one wardrobe for my stepdaughter, cheaper, too, but it's just not doable anymore. We've pretty much completely replaced my stepdaughter's wardrobe for our house twice this last year. We've bought almost in the way of clothes for our son in the last two years. We don't have the money. She gets new clothes, because her clothes "disappear" at her Mother's house, and our son's "reward" for not having his clothes disappear it to wear the same old, getting too small clothes, because we can't afford to completly replenish both children's clothes. (And yes, the situation has been brought the my stepdaughter's Mother's attention, why we need the clothes back so urgently, but she doesn't care- it's not HER problem. )

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#28 of 33 Old 04-24-2009, 02:41 PM
 
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When we first were married and dss lived with us and saw him mom every few months, the clothes things used to drive me insane. I used to spend a lot of time and care picking out nice clothes for dss. I spent money and got nice quality items that would be left at his moms and never seen again. It shouldn't be a big deal, I know, but it used to drive me crazy. Where are your dress shoes? Where is your rain jacket? Where is that nice sweater I got you? I didn't care about random underwear, but it just seemed like there were special items we needed that were never there.
When she moved here and he started an EOW visitation schedule, I had to just let it go and assume that an outfit would go over there and an outfit would come back and hopefully things would cycle back and forth. It never really worked, mostly because he'd wear a school outfit over there on Friday and was usually still in sweats when we picked him up on Sunday. I feel like his closet is a black hole. I buy and buy and it is always empty! I guess if his mom was buying clothes, too, I'd feel better about it, but she has literally not bought him an article of clothing since he was in 2nd grade. It is just a weird situation. I feel like with my biological son, I care for his clothes, don't put certain ones in the dryer, check in with teacher for that missing sweatshirt, iron the dress shirts, sew up a hole, buy him extra soft tees and undies, but with my stepson, I have to just let it all go. Part of caring for my familiy feels like caring for their clothes, but it is something I can't control. Not a big deal, I don't stay up at night worrying about it, it's just that we never really found an easy system, and I was always slightly annoyed about missing items. Now that he is older, it is especially hard since his clothes are expensive. Missing a 60 dollar sweatshirt? That's hard on my coupon-clipping brain!
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#29 of 33 Old 04-24-2009, 04:09 PM
 
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I am the step-mom to 2 boys. 2 very stereo-typical, rough and tumble, dirty, forgetful, boys. I say all this with love and affection. I care for them deeply, and figure that trying to give them the ability to be gentelmen (at least on occassion) is all part of parenting.

Here's our clothes problem that might give insight to BD being so cranky about it.

We have no seperate wardrobes.

BM hardly buys them new clothes. Usually it's her parents who buy them. They only get new clothes from their grandparents when they visit, which is, at most, twice a year. And only 1 to 2 outfits.

We, (BD and I) buy them clothes on a "need" basis. If they need something nice, if they need something for sports, etc.

We noticed they'd both grown out of a lot of their clothes, so we went through what we had, tossed out things that no longer fit, and bought them some new stuff.

At the time, we had no in-house washing machine, and to save us a little money, BM washed their clothes. When told her we needed some back, she gave us a sad sack of clothes that didn't fit, were dingy with stains that would not wash out, and NO new things at all.

This kind of thing happens all the time. I would LOVE it if we could have rules that worked, but seperating clothes is annoying, time consuming, and the kids can't be expected to help.

If he insists, then try it his way- but I'm telling you that it'll get frustrating no matter what, so it's best to just not let it get to you. Make sure the kid is in weather-appropriate clothing, sure, but otherwise, let it go. Not worth it, and eventually he should see it that way too.

Blarg, blarg-blargity- BLARG!!!

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#30 of 33 Old 04-24-2009, 10:43 PM
 
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I send clothes for the number of days my child is with Dad plus a few extra in case he has an accident. I do not expect Dad to buy clothes when our son is small and outgrows them rapidly. I send a bag every other weekend with my son to his Dad's filled with everything my son will need for the entire weekend.

Lilly, mum to one handsome boyand to one of God's angels in heaven
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