Anyone have to deal with a step parent who is the person your X cheated with? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 44 Old 05-08-2009, 06:17 PM
 
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I would also add that I don't know what would happen if DSD asked outright. I suspect it won't come up, but if it does, we honestly don't know. I would imagine we would speak to her mom before talking to her. It wouldn't be fair to only speak from her dad's perspective. But we have a co-parenting relationship where that's a possibility.

Mama/stepmama of 4 goofy girls (7/99, 11/00, 4/03, and 12/08) and co-parent with my favorite husband. We do this stuff - : : : : : :
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#32 of 44 Old 05-10-2009, 02:59 AM
 
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Yup.. and here is the stange thing.

It's not me that keeps her from coming to any of the school/sporting events.

She just doesn't. Of course, neither does he. He claims that ALL the teachers, coaches and helpers go out of their way to make him feel uncomfortable. He has accused me of telling everyone one about his affair/abuse ect.. the only place I have ever done that was here.
(and maybe once with a life long girlfriend and a big glass of wine..and whine)

Here is the thing. It has been 8 years. In those eight years he has made it to a handful of games... less than five school events for our son, who is in the sixth grade.. and NONE for our daughter who is in the fourth. In those eight years, the two of them have shown the world their true colors.

Take the high road....smile when you have to... bite your tongue when you need too. Hire the attorney when you need to.

I
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#33 of 44 Old 05-10-2009, 10:11 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Take the high road....smile when you have to... bite your tongue when you need too. Hire the attorney when you need to.

I
That's excellent advice, for a variety of situations. Thanks.
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#34 of 44 Old 05-15-2009, 12:49 AM
 
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not quite the same as it was my parents, but

my parents were divorced when i was 5. we left my dad when i was 4.
they were dating again and then all of a sudden my mom was really sad again and i couldnt figure out why. a couple weeks later i met my dads "friend"
3 months later they were married.

and i cant stand the woman for more reasons than one. it wouldnt be any less if i didnt realize this because of the ladys personality but..ugh to say the least.
i dont have a CLUE how theyre still married 15 years later. i truly dont.

anyway no one explained anything to me, i figured it out easily.

just like no one explained that my aunts new "friend" wasnt a friend exactly and then kicking out my then uncle and the friend moving in and into her bedroom but it was obvious. (and having a full term baby 6 months later that "was conceived after they got married : i cant believe my grandma still tries to tell me that its true! i wasnt stupid then and im not now..geez! )
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#35 of 44 Old 05-17-2009, 07:33 PM
 
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This is exactly my situation and I'm really struggling with it too. My xh is a professor and his fiancee was one of his students. We were still married when they started, although of course he lied to her and told her that we had split. Notice that she didn't dump him when she found out that he lied. They are supposed to get married at some point, it keeps getting put off and I really hope it won't happen. I really think that I could deal with her presence more easily if she hadn't been the affair. I do not bad mouth her or my ex to the kids but I carry around this hurt and stress all the time about this woman being a mother to my babies. I just don't think that having an affair with your professor gives you the right to be their mom. My dd1 knows about the affair because xh told her!!! When he told her he was leaving he actually told her that he had met someone else!!! She was only 10 years old at the time! And he wonders why she's so disrespectful to her. DS believes whatever DD1 believes so he doesn't like her either. DD2 is Daddy's girl and wants to like his girlfriend and her daughter also. She and I have talked many times about it and I've always told her that it's OK for her to like the woman. The one thing that I have said, though, and I'm sure this won't be popular with some, is that if they do get married I would prefer she not use a "mom-type" name for her dad's wife. I said they could make up a special nickname if they wanted to, but please not anything along the lines of mom. It just hurts me too much. These conversations have always been initiated by DD2 and even though it hurts I try very hard to encourage her to feel what she feels, not what she thinks I want her to feel. I've also told DD1 that she should determine her own relationship with her dad and his future wife, not follow what she thinks I might feel. She has always replied "you don't think that what they did hurt me too?" How can I argue with that?
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#36 of 44 Old 05-20-2009, 06:05 PM
 
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mommyto3girls thanks for sharing that.
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#37 of 44 Old 05-21-2009, 12:13 PM
 
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mommyto3girls thanks for sharing that.
(((hugs))) I just directed you here from the other thread but I see you had already found it
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#38 of 44 Old 05-21-2009, 12:58 PM
 
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my ex married the woman he cheated with. it was a messy situation ... after my ex and i split up, the woman he was with stayed with her husband and they continued the affair for about 1 1/2 years after we split. i did not want the kids around her when she was still cheating on her husband. i'm sure he had them around her but i tried my best to make sure that didn't happen.

after that time frame, by then i was moving on and so it didn't bother me as much to talk to her (which was rarely ever anyway). she was polite to the kids (more or less - when she actually talked to them) and my ex had/has literally nothing to do with the kids so his lack of involvement in their lives has made it easier for me. i don't think that i have had any direct involvement with her other than to leave a message for my ex.

i was very careful not to tell my dd what had happened. when we finally split my son was only 5 months old (and my ex had not been around home much at all since his birth because he was having his affair) and so my son did not suffer, but my dd went through so much emotional pain. as she got older and started asking questions (she was maybe around 10 - we split when she was 4), i told her. i was tired of seeing her hurt and tired of making excuses for my ex. both the kids now know what has happened.

it seems so easy looking back but at the time it was incredibly painful. i reminded myself so often that living well IS the best revenge and that helped me get through some of the toughest times.

good luck, it will get easier

Midwifery student , Mama to my 4 amazing kids. treehugger.gif

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#39 of 44 Old 05-21-2009, 08:09 PM
 
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Reading this post brings back memories, Im now 33 years old and looking back on it being "the child" growing up with under these circumstances and affected me all my life.

My parents both had affairs with eachothers significant others, then moved in two families in one house. Ug, the memories, just make it as positive you can for your children, because I think no matter what its going to affect the child one way or another.
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#40 of 44 Old 05-22-2009, 11:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Reading this post brings back memories, Im now 33 years old and looking back on it being "the child" growing up with under these circumstances and affected me all my life.
Can you say a little more about that? I'm curious as to how it effected you.
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#41 of 44 Old 05-22-2009, 02:15 PM
 
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Well, I remember my parents fighting alot over the house, the car, the kids, we had the burden to choose who we wanted to live with. That was extremely hard telling your father you love your mom more and your staying with her. wasnt the case but thats sure what it felt like. Once my mom got to keep the house she couldnt afford it so we moved from apartment to apartment at least 20 times from my age of 12-19, I think that was the hardest part ontop of her new boyfriend coming with us everywhere we went. And he was a complete jerk, he didnt have a job and always yelled and and was really mean to us kids, My mom had to support him. At that note, now looking back at my life. I ended up with a guy that was EXACTLY like him. No job, drugs, smoking, abuse, yelled all the time. Ug.... That was another chapter of my life.

We had two double stepsisters, if you know what I mean becuase my dad was also married to my moms boyfriends x-wife and the kids were stuck with us no matter what. They switched really to explain it simply. Thier own two children were really bad growing up. everyone in thier family were smokers and our family never was. Also both parents ended up abandoning our stepsisters...thier own children, they both dissapeared out of our families life and left thier kids behind to take care of. Well after we were stuck with the Cinderella Evil Stepsisters LOL. I truly believe in that story to the fullest btw. well my parents ended up paying for thier mental treatment and raising them until they became, druggies and junkies and ended up leaving on thier own.

Now me and both of my sisters have never been married to this day. Dont think we will ever get married, one of my sisters always ends up with guys that are deadbeats and are felons in and out of jail while shes supporting them, my other sister got abused so badly that she was forced to have 2 abortions and had 2 miscarriages, she finally got away from that guy. Even my mom has been single for 14 years since, she has never had a date since that jerk left her because she does not trust men. So basically to sum it up. the kids do pay for thier parents mistakes one way or another.

Then to a positive note. Now, my mom is happy being single. My sister that was abused has a really nice bf of 5 years and he actually has a son himself with a previous marriage so she is a "stepmom but ok with it.

My other sister is staying single and away from jailbait.

And me.... well I have three beautiful children with thier daddy of 13 years that begs me to marry him we are in love. Im struggling with the marriage thing Still*


Hope this gives some insight of what we went through dealing with the other step parents. This is just our bad experience so I cannot compare to others because I do know that other people can be in step families and be very happy as well, I mean my sister is now too!

Just keep your childrens lives in very high priority when you are with new people and make sure it is the most positive experience you can make it for them because it will affect them and they will pay. Hopefully the result wont mess up thier lives. Good Luck
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#42 of 44 Old 05-25-2009, 09:44 PM
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I am not going to be a popular person here, but I have been honest with everyone about how dh and I started our lives together.

DH and I started as friends. We were both in marriages that were unhealthy for us emotionally, but were tyring to "stick it out for the kids." At first we would bump into each other at the park, pool, or library, with the kids. There was an instant emotional connection between us. The kids became friends and we started setting playdates. We both confided in each other and supported each other as we dealt with trying to make happy family lives for our kids, while in a loveless and emotionally abusive marriage. As time went on our emotional affair turned into a physical affair. We never ever had physical contact in front of the kids, not a hand brush, a kiss or anything. They just knew we were good friends. Shortly after that my ex was physical with me in front of the kids (pushed me down on the couch and held me down while he screamed at me, all the while both kids were on the couch with me) It was ten days before Christmas, so I stayed so the kids Christmas could be sort of normal, but I was making plans to leave (and had cut off all physical contact with both my ex and Matt). I left with the kids on New Year's Eve after my ex almost became physical again and went to stay with friends who had offered us a place to live for a month. A few days later Matt left his ex.

We rented a house and moved in together a few weeks later. Within 6 months boh divorces were final and DH and I got married. I am not proud of the fact that we started our relationship this way. I know that we were both in marriages that needed to end and were not healthy. I know that we should have ended the marriages before we allowed ourselves to become emotionally and physically involved. However, we can not go back and change things. What happened happened and now we all need to work together to raise the 3 beautiful children that we share and love. our ex's can hate us and be angry with us for the rest of our lives, however, when the children are involved, everyone needs to put adult issues aside and focus on the needs of the children.

DH's ex would not allow dsd to see me at first, she had originally said a year, but within 6 weeks she was allowing dsd to stay every other thurs-Sun and every thursday (divorce was not filed, no legal seperation) She still refered to me as C*nt Julie, but never in front of Madison. She wanted to move an hour and 15 min. away but could not sell the house because of the current market(deed and mortgage were in her name so dh could have walked away with no legal obligation. Matt agreed to allow her to move (court said no, the boundry line was about 45 minutes away, Matt signed off) and I bought her house from her to make it possible for her to buy a new house in the other city. I did not want to buy her house, but I knew that to Matt it was never a home and that we could make it our family's home and start new memories, while still giving Madison the comfort of still having her room and house. She has a very very had time thinking of us as a family (and I understand) at first she would get irate if Madison talked about Maia and Sage as her sisters, would get angry about us going to family type things (zoo, art museum, church) and did not want me acting in a motherly role towards Madison (bathing, dressing, playing with her, painting her nails, reading to her, etc) but I did not change the way I treated Madison, she was 2 ¾ year old when we first moved in together, she is ten weeks older than my youngest. How could I not act motherly towards her when I was doing those same things for my other two daughters. We were trying to build a family and all of the girls are treated as our daughters when they are with us. I always tell her that her mommy loves her and misses her and I let her know that I love her and miss her when she is not with us. I would never attempt to replace her mother, but when she is with us (school year is every other Thurs morn-Sun night and every Thursday, summer is every other Wed morn – Sun. night, and every wed morn-fri morn) I am the mom figure in the family. To treat her like a babysitting kid (which at one point was said by her mom- not that I did that, but that I should be no more than a babysitter to her) would be setting us up for years of resentment IMO. I play with, take care of, love, look out for, etc. her just as I do my other two girls. I know I am not her mommy, but I am the mom in this house and will treat all of the children living here like they are mine while they are with me. Very slowly she dropped the c*nt label from my name and started loosening up about things. I make sure to Madison's birthday was in March and Madison asked that we all celebrate together, it took her mom a few days to think about it, but in the end agreed to Madison's wish. We all were able to get along to celebrate her birthday and it really broke the ice. She will now talk to me if I answer the phone, will meet me to pick up or drop off Madison, etc. We are about a year and a half into things and although we have bed patches, things have improved much faster than I expected.

Can’t keep typing (I actually typed this out in a word document over a few hours time!)
My ex has been really bad as well, actually told the girls that Matt is a bad man and that I am a bad mommy. Even though we promised that we would never involve the kids in grown up issues. I just continue to never say bad things about their dad, though I have started being honest when their dad deceives me and it results in me missing out with the kids. He is the principal at my oldest’s school, I picked her up after school one day (after she had been at her dad’s for 5 days) and she was upset that I hadn’t been at the awards ceremony to see her get an award. Instead of making something up, which is what I had been doing, I told her that I did not know anything about it because her dad had not told me. I had been covering for him not telling me things or not letting the girls do something extra fun (church event, birthday party, or something like that if it was during his time-like would not switch time) but in doing this I was making myself be the fall guy everytime. I keep it short and try to stay unemotional and just say “I would have loved to, but your dad didn’t let me know it was happening” or “It would be fun to go to the church festival, but its your dad’s weekend and he wants you to stay with him.” The youngest broke her arm pretty bad last week at her dad’s. She had to have surgery on it last Monday, Sunday night my ex, his fiancé, Matt and I all stayed in her hospital room together. It was awkward, but she needed the adults in her life to all be there for her, so we set aside the adult issues and focus on the child.

And really, that is what it boils down to, as adults we must keep the children out of the adult issues and feelings. Our ex’s can hate us as their ex spouse, feel betrayed, or whatever else for as long as they need to, however, those feelings must be set aside when the children are around or affected. As parents DH, myself, and dsd’s mom must work together to raise this beautiful amazing child together. As parents, my ex, his fiancé, dh, and myself must work together to raise our other two beautiful and amazing daughters. And our ex’s must also remove the hurt adult feelings from their actions and allow Sage, Madison, Maia, Matt, and I to live and love and grow as the new family unit that we are.
The OP asked:

Sorry, I don't know how to phrase this question. I'm asking those of you who had an X who had an affair that ended the marriage, if that person ended up being your kids step parent-- how did you deal with that??

So, while you might want to get some pitty points and state your case, this post is NOT helpful and is a major highjack
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#43 of 44 Old 05-26-2009, 11:32 AM
 
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The OP asked:

Sorry, I don't know how to phrase this question. I'm asking those of you who had an X who had an affair that ended the marriage, if that person ended up being your kids step parent-- how did you deal with that??

So, while you might want to get some pitty points and state your case, this post is NOT helpful and is a major highjack


Really? Showing the way that our ex's deal with it does not help? Not looking for pitty points, trying to show how my ex and dh's ex have both handled dealing with me as the step-mom and with dh as the step-dad and how it affects the children.
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#44 of 44 Old 05-26-2009, 11:44 AM
 
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The OP asked:

Sorry, I don't know how to phrase this question. I'm asking those of you who had an X who had an affair that ended the marriage, if that person ended up being your kids step parent-- how did you deal with that??

So, while you might want to get some pitty points and state your case, this post is NOT helpful and is a major highjack

Really? None of this information is helpful? The OP is asking how to deal with a step-parent who was the one your X had an affair with. All of the following statements, from my post, are helpful advice to keep in mind. Things that have helped the situation and things that have hurt it.


we all need to work together to raise the 3 beautiful children that we share and love.

when the children are involved, everyone needs to put adult issues aside and focus on the needs of the children

She has a very very had time thinking of us as a family (and I understand) at first she would get irate if Madison talked about Maia and Sage as her sisters, would get angry about us going to family type things (zoo, art museum, church) and did not want me acting in a motherly role towards Madison (bathing, dressing, playing with her, painting her nails, reading to her, etc)

To treat her like a babysitting kid (which at one point was said by her mom- not that I did that, but that I should be no more than a babysitter to her) would be setting us up for years of resentment

I know I am not her mommy, but I am the mom in this house and will treat all of the children living here like they are mine while they are with me

We all were able to get along to celebrate her birthday

My ex actually told the girls that Matt is a bad man and that I am a bad mommy. Even though we promised that we would never involve the kids in grown up issues.

my ex, his fiancé, Matt and I all stayed in her hospital room together. It was awkward, but she needed the adults in her life to all be there for her, so we set aside the adult issues and focus on the child.

as adults we must keep the children out of the adult issues and feelings.

those feelings must be set aside when the children are around or affected.

As parents DH, myself, and dsd’s mom must work together to raise this beautiful amazing child together. As parents, my ex, his fiancé, dh, and myself must work together to raise our other two beautiful and amazing daughters.

remove the hurt adult feelings from their actions

to live and love and grow as the new family
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