do any of you have this living situation and is it fair to the kids? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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Old 10-15-2009, 08:08 AM
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It's funny this thread got re-awoken now, DD's daddy recently took over the whole lease of his flat and now she has a beautiful bedroom all her own with a huge bed, chest of drawers, bookcase and several toyboxes. She likes it better than her room at our house! I don't think she ever minded not having a specific room at her dada's, but i can also see she really LOVES having one there now she has one.
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Old 10-21-2009, 09:34 PM
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SD (8) does not have her own room at our house. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment, which is all we can afford. She stays here 1 weekend and 1 tuesday a month. She shares a room with DS (19months), but has her own bed, space in a dresser for her clothes, and her toys and books are stored with DS's toys and books in the toy drawers and bookshelves. I am currently pregnant with #2 and if we are still in this apartment in a year or so, SD will sleep on the trundle bed when she is here, because DS will have moved into a regular bed and new baby into the crib. It is still a dedicated space, but we do not have the space or money to give more.
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Old 10-26-2009, 09:08 PM
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When we married, my sons lived with me but my husband's ex still had custody of their son, out of state. A week or so before our wedding - so, even before my husband moved in - we converted my extra bedroom (my kids' play room) into a bedroom for my step-son, so that when he arrived for the wedding he would see that there was a clear space for him in our new home together and that all his things (from his dad's house, anyway) were there. Until my husband got custody, there were some long, lonely months walking by that room that was only scheduled to be occupied 9 weeks a year! And I'm sure it must have seemed like a waste of space to my sons, who lost their play room. (We did build all the kids a new play room in the garage, eventually.)

My ex took the opposite approach. Between breaking up with me and marrying his current wife, he built a house with a girlfriend and her son, who was a few years older than our twins. Although they had a decent-sized "study" and a big dormer room upstairs, the GF's son was given a TINY (maybe 9'x8') bedroom with bunkbeds and that was supposed to be the bedroom for all 3 little boys. (With only 2 beds!) And it was outfitted 100% with furniture and gifts given to the twins by my ex's relatives: the bunkbeds, a nice easel, a special lamp, etc. So this little boy lived full-time in that room, feeling like those things were his... then these other kids came over EOW and outnumbered him, shared his private space (which was scarcely big enough for him as it was) and everything in his room belonged to them! No wonder he used to bite them!!!

I really can understand non-custodial parents (especially young, inexperienced ones like my ex and his GF were at that time) thinking it doesn't make sense to dedicate space full-time to kids who are only there part-time. But I really think it's important for kids to have their own space in their parent's home - no matter how much of the year they live there.

Let me amend this to say that of course not everyone has enough space in their house for all kids to have separate bedrooms. But every child should at least have a bed, some closet space and some other space for toys, doing homework or whatever their needs are. A child who visits should not be given temporary space in the same way Grandma is when she visits from out of state at Christmas. Even a NCP should show that he/she thinks of the child as part of his/her family and home all the time, even if the child can't always be there.

One woman in a house full of men:  my soul mate:    or... twin sons:(HS seniors) ... step-son:  (a sophomore) ... our little man:   (a first grader) ... and there is another female in the house, after all:  our
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Old 10-26-2009, 09:16 PM
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My mom had renters. My brother and I had 2 twin beds jammed into a tiny room. The rest of the room was her stuff (clothes, sewing machine, stuff everywhere). My brother often slept on the couch. Years later it seemed, the renters got kicked out (she was doing halfway house type renting - weird with teenage kids of your own on custody visits, anyways).

So yes, I know what your spouse is talking about and yes it totally sucked.


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Old 10-26-2009, 09:46 PM
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When dh and i were first married, we had a 1 bedroom apt. He had 3 boys. We put a bed and toys into the "dining" room for them, it became their room.
Now, we have a tiny house. 2 bedrooms. Dh and i have one, and the younger kids, dh and I's kids, have the other. There is a finished basement with a very large room and small room, and now that is the boys area, bedroom and playroom. While they do have a dresser here, they don't really keep stuff here. they do have some toys and gaming systems here, etc, a a couple TV's, computers in their space.

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Old 10-26-2009, 11:31 PM
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Like a pp, this thread kind of made me realize that my sister and I never had our own space at our dad's house either. I mean, we slept in a bed, but it wasn't OUR bed, just the guest bed. I also remember sleeping on the couch at various times, or the floor, maybe? Maybe when my half-brothers were really young or when my stepmom's parents were visiting as well. And there was a dresser in the room, but we just lived out of our suitcases for the weekend. When they were first married, my dad and stepmom lived in a 2 BR apt. One was theirs and one was the guest room that we slept in. Their next (and current) home has 4 BR, but I never consciously thought about why we didn't get one to call our own. I honestly didn't know until this thread that it is normal for a kid to have their own bedroom at a NCP's house. We have a good relationship now, but I kinda can't look back at those times for fear my adult brain will realize stuff like this and hurt my feelings.

K + J = DS Evan 1/26/09 and happily welcoming DS Colin, our 9lb 5oz vbac.gif New Year's Day baby, 1/1/11!
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