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#1 of 20 Old 05-17-2009, 12:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My husband and I are divorcing. He sent me an email 2 weeks ago this Monday (from Iraq) saying he wanted a divorce. He lied to me about coming back to the states on leave (he is home right now), he said he was going on a month long mission. Oh and he had another email address and a myspace I knew nothing about. He also has another girlfriend/love interest. She is a 21 year old single mother. Last deployment he went after an older single mother of 2, whose husband was KIA in Iraq the previous year. He has cut off my cell phone number (he kept it and specifically asked AT&T not to let me have it nor communicate with me), cut off my car insurance and took all his pay. He also changed the pin number to his paychecks, and probably changed the direct deposit as well. Luckily, right after the email I took the $1700 that we had in savings. However, its not enough for me to survive on.

He told his first ex-wife that we were divorcing and asked that my contact with my stepson not be cut. She has been so awesome to me the last couple of days and spent an hour talking to me on the phone today. He is doing the same things to me he did to her, only he is being more vindictive to me.

I have not talked to my husband since I received the email. He is telling people I am delusional and crazy. He also told his first ex-wife that I took $4,000. I am in contact with my husband's command because what he is doing is illegal according to the Army.

We were together for four years as of April and our 3rd wedding anniversary is this June. I am on a horrible emotional roller coaster. I am so devastated over this and his vindictive actions. I just enrolled in AAMI, bought a dress for his home coming ceremony this summer, etc. I have not seen him since my birthday in October.

I really want this to be over with soon. I hate the fact that I don't have any closure and am really tired of being angry one second and bawling the next.

I am going down sometime this week to file temporary orders for spousal support and for dissolution. While the dissolution will be put on stay status until he comes home, at least I will have it filed.

I am just sorry that he is such a coward. I am also thankful that we did not get pregnant after all.

:~*Barbara*~ 25, DGF to an awesome man (25) and always a step-mom to A (8)
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#2 of 20 Old 05-17-2009, 12:29 AM
 
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I am really sorry you are going through this, but definitely go to the command and make sure you get your money. Also make sure you go for part of his retirement, allamony etc. He will have to support you and the military doesnt take kindly to them not.
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#3 of 20 Old 05-17-2009, 02:03 AM
 
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just giving you a big I'm so sorry you're having to go through this!!!!!!
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#4 of 20 Old 05-17-2009, 02:16 AM
 
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I'm so, so sorry. What he's doing is awful.
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#5 of 20 Old 05-17-2009, 07:44 AM
 
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Thank God you are not expecting a baby with this UAV!

You are already doing the right thing on a practical level by contacting his command to get a support order in place. Obviously, you'll also need a FT job ASAP, because who knows how long it will take the Army to shuffle all those papers and get your support checks coming... What other kinds of support can you call on? Do you have a friend/family you can move in with? Do you want to relocate to another area of the country? What do you want your life to look like in this transition year (or two) while the divorce is going through? It sucks that the proceedings will be on hold while he's deployed, but at least you'll be getting spousal support per Army policy during that period.

It's also great that the UAV's ex has been there, done that and has some compassion for you. Hopefully the two of you can minimize the pain your dss will be going through, although a new teenage stepmom and a new stepsibling that he'll probably lose in a couple of years when Dad moves on again is a sucky hand for a kid to be dealt! :
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#6 of 20 Old 05-17-2009, 08:40 AM
 
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So sorry *hugs*

New endeavor coming soon...
Raising Alice in Wonderland (DSD, 17), and in love with a Superman
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#7 of 20 Old 05-17-2009, 11:50 AM - Thread Starter
 
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What really sucks is that he will be home in a couple of months. What I don't understand is why he didn't just wait until he came home? Actually, I don't understand a lot of this. I honestly have no idea why we are divorcing. Well, I know I am filing because he is a psychologically abusive jerk. However, I don't know for sure why he wants one other than the BS line I got "I love you, but I am not IN love with you."

I will continue harrassing the FRG leader because what's going on is ridiculous. I know my STBX will lie to command about what's going on. The thing is, I can prove everything, he can't.

:~*Barbara*~ 25, DGF to an awesome man (25) and always a step-mom to A (8)
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#8 of 20 Old 05-18-2009, 01:50 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BellaLuna Rayne View Post
What really sucks is that he will be home in a couple of months. What I don't understand is why he didn't just wait until he came home? Actually, I don't understand a lot of this. I honestly have no idea why we are divorcing. Well, I know I am filing because he is a psychologically abusive jerk. However, I don't know for sure why he wants one other than the BS line I got "I love you, but I am not IN love with you."

I will continue harrassing the FRG leader because what's going on is ridiculous. I know my STBX will lie to command about what's going on. The thing is, I can prove everything, he can't.
No need to harrass, you go directly to base legal NOW before he gets back, let them know what is going on and they will help you with the filing and ensuring that you are protected. Save all the emails he has sent you and bring it in with you. Be proactive.
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#9 of 20 Old 05-18-2009, 02:55 AM
 
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Big hugs to you! I'm so sorry he's putting you through this. I second the suggestion to go to legal right away and be proactive about it.



Laura

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#10 of 20 Old 05-19-2009, 04:39 PM
 
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My DH and I both recently got out of the Army, so I just wanted to offer a and a bit of advice.

First, I'm so sorry that this is happening to you! I saw way too much of this when I was deployed. Second, don't count on the FRG for anything. Legally, your husband must provide you with ALL of his BAH. And perhaps more. I'd suggest going to JAG and seeking legal advice. If he is cutting you off from money and bank accounts, it is certainly within your right to contact his command and discuss this situation with them. Until you and he are 100% legally divorced, he must provide for you financially. It's just the way the Army does things. However, the spouse usually has to go after it.

Again, I'm so sorry OP! Please PM me if you want!

~Erin~ totally in with Olivia! 5/31/09
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#11 of 20 Old 05-19-2009, 08:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by j_p_i View Post
My DH and I both recently got out of the Army, so I just wanted to offer a and a bit of advice.

First, I'm so sorry that this is happening to you! I saw way too much of this when I was deployed. Second, don't count on the FRG for anything. Legally, your husband must provide you with ALL of his BAH. And perhaps more. I'd suggest going to JAG and seeking legal advice. If he is cutting you off from money and bank accounts, it is certainly within your right to contact his command and discuss this situation with them. Until you and he are 100% legally divorced, he must provide for you financially. It's just the way the Army does things. However, the spouse usually has to go after it.

Again, I'm so sorry OP! Please PM me if you want!
I've already done all of this. I sent him first legal separation paperwork today and he refused to sign. He refuses to support me. Thinks I am quite capable of finding a job and paying for everything myself. After SEVERAL emails (I think there are 30 total now) I sent him divorce papers which he also refuses to sign until JAG looks at them when he gets back to Iraq.

He has told his ex-wife that I am crazy and delusional. That I knew about this for MONTHS and that I have been dragging this all out. He also has been telling people I have a gambling problem. GREAT.

:~*Barbara*~ 25, DGF to an awesome man (25) and always a step-mom to A (8)
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#12 of 20 Old 05-20-2009, 12:01 AM
 
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I am so sorry couldn't read and not post. Sounds like you are taking care of what needs to be done.

Married to the love of my life, mom to DS :
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#13 of 20 Old 05-20-2009, 12:49 AM
 
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Sorry to hear he is being such a UA Violation
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#14 of 20 Old 05-20-2009, 07:43 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BellaLuna Rayne View Post
I've already done all of this. I sent him first legal separation paperwork today and he refused to sign. He refuses to support me. Thinks I am quite capable of finding a job and paying for everything myself. After SEVERAL emails (I think there are 30 total now) I sent him divorce papers which he also refuses to sign until JAG looks at them when he gets back to Iraq.

He has told his ex-wife that I am crazy and delusional. That I knew about this for MONTHS and that I have been dragging this all out. He also has been telling people I have a gambling problem. GREAT.
Have you contacted his commander? If that person is no help, go above his or her head. There is always someone who outranks that person.

I'm so sorry he's spreading hurtful things about you as well. I understand people separate, but it sucks he is making it so much worse by acting that way.

~Erin~ totally in with Olivia! 5/31/09
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#15 of 20 Old 05-20-2009, 08:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by j_p_i View Post
Have you contacted his commander? If that person is no help, go above his or her head. There is always someone who outranks that person.

I'm so sorry he's spreading hurtful things about you as well. I understand people separate, but it sucks he is making it so much worse by acting that way.
I've already had the FRG contact his commander. They are aware of the situation and STBX is in a butt load of trouble. He had already been getting into trouble before this (I knew about the trouble with his anger issues, but there is more) and his career is going to be somewhat screwed after all of this.

I will also probably be writing a letter to the commander and sending him what proof I have left. IF nothing happens once STBX gets to Iraq.

The thing is, he is not talking to a bunch of his family. They are all on my side basically and he has cut off contact with them. Its totally crazy because in the second "I want a divorce" email he talks about how he lost the connection with his family and wants it back, yet he is pushing them away???

I sincerely hope he gets the help he needs, but I deserve to be happy.

:~*Barbara*~ 25, DGF to an awesome man (25) and always a step-mom to A (8)
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#16 of 20 Old 05-21-2009, 04:25 PM
 
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Oh, BellaLuna, that just sucks. My ex husband did the same things, only he wasn't in the military. It is such a shock and feels so unreal to be in the middle of something like that. I, too, was glad we had no children throughout the 9.5 years we were together. It seemed little comfort when people told me this as I was going through all the craziness and insecurity. That experience showed me how very strong and independent I was and although it was seriously stressful to the nth degree, in the end I was proud to have survived through it.

s

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#17 of 20 Old 05-21-2009, 06:19 PM
 
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Ladies, I have pulled two posts for name calling and taking issue with a member. Please remember to only address the Original Post when posting, not another member to take issue, and please refrain from calling names. I know that what the soon to be X is doing is terrible, but we have a policy against name calling. Thanks for cooperating.

Warmly,
Courtenay_e, Moderator of Blended and Step-Family Parenting

Mama to two awesome kids. Wife to a wonderful, attached, loving husband. I love my job-- I'm a Midwife, Doula and Childbirth Educator, Classes forming now!

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#18 of 20 Old 05-25-2009, 03:59 PM
 
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I would call your local domestic violence hotline and ask them for advice about what to do. This actually does sound more than one form of abuse, even though the relationship is supposedly over. You could google on "emotional abuse" and "financial abuse" and find a lot of the tactics your STB-ex is doing. to you.

Jen 47 DS C 2/03  angel.gif04/29/08/ DD S 10/28/09 DH Bill '97.

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#19 of 20 Old 05-25-2009, 10:25 PM
 
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What a horrible thing to go through - I can't even imagine!
You could also have grounds for suing him. His slandering you is Character Defamation. All you gotta do is get those he is saying those things to to sign an affidavit.
Again - Im so sorry.

Loving Mother to our adoption miracle, Riana :, and our angel baby, Xavier. Trying for baby. Wife to my Hero! BLOG LINK IN PROFILE
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#20 of 20 Old 05-25-2009, 11:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Pookietooth View Post
I would call your local domestic violence hotline and ask them for advice about what to do. This actually does sound more than one form of abuse, even though the relationship is supposedly over. You could google on "emotional abuse" and "financial abuse" and find a lot of the tactics your STB-ex is doing. to you.
Oh, I know NOW that he was abusive and is being even more so. Its been three weeks today and I am sooo much happier its scary. I am MUCH MUCH better off without him.

Quote:
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What a horrible thing to go through - I can't even imagine!
You could also have grounds for suing him. His slandering you is Character Defamation. All you gotta do is get those he is saying those things to to sign an affidavit.
Again - Im so sorry.
I doubt I could get anybody to sign an affidavit. His new SIL and his 1st ex-wife are the ones who told me what he was saying about me. Honestly, in the grand scheme of things, its not that important. At this point, I just want some spousal support and for this all to be over with.

Just to give a general update: He's probably back in Iraq by now. Him and his girlfriend went and got tattooed together. He was at her house at 10:45pm building a desk...yk, they aren't together

Anyway, I am moving on. I am surrounded by great family and friends. I am basically back at my parents house now and while its crazy, I am so happy.

Things will only get better from here!

:~*Barbara*~ 25, DGF to an awesome man (25) and always a step-mom to A (8)
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