Why get married? (from "met dh before the divorce" thread) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 1 Old 05-25-2009, 09:04 AM - Thread Starter
 
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from "Moms who met their current dh before they were divorced":
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anglyn View Post
I have nothing at all against those who DO marry and understand thier reasons totally. But you asked and this is my honest answer. I had the legalilty of the marriage liscence twice now and it guaranted nothing.

Marriage is very easy to get into, incredibly hard to get out of. But it still doesnt stop anyone from walking away, it just draws the hurt and anger out longer, imho.
It shocks me that I'm saying this, because I'm rather conservative and it certainly does matter to me that I'm officially married to my husband. Just like a sappy movie, I really do treasure the memory of that moment when we looked into each other's eyes and promised to stay together forever, in front of God, our families and friends, and I really do believe we will...but I also know he, at least, did that before - and I assume he had similar loving feelings and permanent intentions - but it didn't last and the cost of that ruined him financially (and probably his ex, too).

I'm afraid legal marriage is a reflection of societal priorities we just don't have anymore. The original ideal was that the significance of that "moment" I mentioned; the difficulty of divorce; and the good opinions of family, friends, etc. would make BOTH parties in a marriage consider it SO unthinkable to split up that they would BOTH make the effort to treat each other decently, meet in the middle and solve the inevitable problems that crop up in any family.

Then we, as a society, noticed that in many cases that WASN'T happening. Sometimes two people made no effort to be anything but terrible to each other and traumatize their children, but they stayed together anyway because that was expected. Sometimes ONE person was terrible to the other and the 2nd person put up with it and became miserable and closed up inside of themself because they didn't think they had any right to leave.

And now, we think people SHOULD have a right to leave and, socially, we tend to be pretty supportive and nonjudgmental of those who do...which is not reflected in the fact that there can still be a grievous financial penalty imposed on those who get divorced.

But isn't society's changing attitude toward divorce a bit of "throwing out the baby with the bath water"? It's not the ideal of marriage and lifelong love and fidelity that's problematic, it's the ways individual people feel entitled to trample on those ideals. So wouldn't it have been better if we'd figured out a way to fix what's actually broken, instead of rejecting the importance of people sticking with their marriages?

In other words, let's say some of the common problems in marriage are:
- people marrying the "wrong" person for themselves;
- people cheating;
- abuse; and
- people being consistently stubborn, insensitive or difficult without regard to the effect it has on the marriage...
Wouldn't it have been great if we - collectively - had figured out how to do a better job of raising everyone to make better choices about who to marry, and teaching everyone that they're not entitled to cheat, abuse or repeatedly and unrepentantly offend their loved ones with selfish, stubborn, frustrating behavior?

But I suppose if it were possible for us to do that, we would have.

One woman in a house full of men:  my soul mate:    or... twin sons:(HS seniors) ... step-son:  (a sophomore) ... our little man:   (a first grader) ... and there is another female in the house, after all:  our
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