Step-Mom's What advice would you give to the Bio Mom? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 34 Old 06-12-2009, 10:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Mom2Joseph View Post
I am recently divorced. My ex left me for his co-worker and they are still together and planning a life together. Despite being devestated by the divorce....I sincerely want to develop a workable relationship with StepMom.

What would you wish the bio mom in your life would have done to make the relationship better? Or what advice would you give?

I am blessed in that she is nice and my children really like her. I have made it very clear to my babies that it is just fine that they like her, fine to love her. That nothing changes that I'm their mom and they are their own people who can choose who to love.

I know myself, I am the hovering, overprotective mother I never wanted to be (haha!) but I do want to try.

Thanks in advance for your input!

WOW! I like you, what a "huge" attempt you are making!!! I am so very sorry for your divorce, and I understand the pain of being left for "another"woman", I am not sure I could do what you are doing , but here is my advice......

Invite her out to a cup of coffee, or over for a chat, sit down with her, make sure she knows it is just a friendly chat for the childrens sake. See how you both feel about the care of the kids, and make sure, she knows in a polite but firm way any boundaries you are not comfortable with her doing with the kids. It doesn't sound like your ex and her have been together long, but if they are truly going to make it work, fighting her the whole way will not work, and it sounds like you already know that, but there are boundaries you are allowed to have, kwim? Make sure she feels she has an openness with you about the kids and make sure the ex isn't trying to get in the way of that. But yeah, I think having a nice friendly cup of coffee with her would work best, I tried that with my ex's new girl, ( he left us for a girl on myspace, was gone for a year, came back, and is gone again) and it did work well. BUT< she ended up having major drug problems and thought that they were going to keep my kids so I would have to pay there bills with child support, ok Im rambling...

Communication is key really, and I know it is hard to do, but if you want to know what i going on in your kids lives while they are with the other half of their life, sometimes we just have to suck it up and play nice
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#32 of 34 Old 06-12-2009, 01:51 PM
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Wow, I SO wish my DSS' biomom was like you. Congrats.

After skimming through some replies, my only advice is to keep at it (meaning communication). And keep reiterating that the only reason you're doing this is to keep things friendly and open for the sake of the children. Finally, I'd make sure that you respect how your children's new stepmom is going to grow into her relationship with your children. At first, she may not want to talk to you, but perhaps that'll change later, and if you keep the door open, she may walk through eventually.

I have a stepson and I've been in his life for 6 years now. In the beginning, his mother just outright hated me, probably because my DH had just been involved with a very unstable woman with whom he believed he had a child. My poor stepson spent two years developing a relationship with a little boy who turned out not to be his brother (the woman slept around like no other!). The separation was horrid for my stepson and there was lots of anger left over from it.
When I came into the picture, biomom was understandably afraid that I was another promiscuous girl who'd hurt her son...she constantly asked my DH if I was pregnant or if I planned to be. At heart, she's not a very friendly person, so I found her demeanor difficult to deal with. DH and I proved to be stable and I thought that she'd realize that I wasn't a freak who'd hurt her son. Quite the opposite, I started trying to help him in school and do some fun activities with him, kind of like a big sister figure...but then biomom hated me even more, because she thought I was trying to replace her.

I WISH we had been able to have an open and frank discussion about our respective places in my stepson's life, but she was way to insecure and uptight for that. When biomom got married and pregnant with twins, I made her babies little bunting bags and wrote her a card, saying that I hoped we could be friends. I never received a thank you or any acknowledgment that I'd done anything for her. It still stings to this day.

Eventually though, DSS grew up, DH and I continued to be stable and we moved to another province, taking DSS with us. For some reason, distance made things a lot easier. Now DSS's mom is very cordial over the phone with me, and even took the time to return my call when I offered to go pick up DSS' train tickets for him. So we're not the best of friends, but we can talk. I still wish we didn't always have to go through DH for stuff, but she's never shown a willingness to talk to me so I try to respect her.

Good luck and I hope this helps!
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#33 of 34 Old 06-12-2009, 04:55 PM
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Speaking as a person who'se parents were divorced and both remarried (And mum soon to be divorced again), I think you're doing exactly what you should be.

I am so grateful to have great step-parents and mature parents who helped me understad that just because 'mom and dad don't love each other anymore" doesn't mean they loved me any less and to have two extra parents in my life would be a blessing, and IMO, it was.

I didn't ever wish for my parents to be together, I knew it was better that they weren't, and I loved my family situation and that my mom and step-mom got a long great and so did my dad with my step-dad


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#34 of 34 Old 06-13-2009, 10:03 AM
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I think the notebook idea is great in theory, but in practise it could easily end up becoming competitive.
It seems the woman is a mom herself, so she should be sympathetic to your needs as a mom.
Good luck! Although it didn't work for me, a letter may be the way to go. It did work for a friend of mine. In a letter one can clearly state one's position in a way that you can't otherwise.
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