Future SM of DH affair-child? What am I getting myself into? - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 18 Old 07-20-2009, 01:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
BettiePage's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Reynosa, Mexico.
Posts: 6
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
well, maybe I put it to harsh, but it is what it comes down to.

i keep reading about stepsons from divorced families or exes, but what about the children born from affairs?

Here's the "brief" story. Me and DH have been together for 8 years, I met him when I was 15 and he was 21, I got pregnant at 18 and had my DD at 19 and am now 23. DH had (what I called) an existential crisis or just partied too, he had been seeing another girl for quite a while , nothing serious (emotionally) but they did get intimate, and obviously, that resulted in a pregnancy as well, i found out about her 2 days before my wedding, i was almost 4 months along and she was just about 1 month (DD is now 4 years old). i accepted the situation, mostly because we all acted irresponsibly, my self included, and i wanted to do what was right, at the moment, i thought it was give my baby a father, he stayed with me out of love, i did not recognize this until many years after. she, the Other Woman, had slept around, or so that's the impression DH makes of her, obviously, i have my doubts, though nothing that would make me change my mind, what's done is done, but he doubts, a little bit, if the child ( a boy) is his.

now, no formal paternity tests have been done (please take in mind we live in Mexico and those tests cost around $600 Dlls to be "Legal and legitimate"), but even so, she registered her child under DH last name and named the baby after him. that's a legal issue she will have to handle because she cannot do that unless DH signs in recognition. because of said faulty birth certificate she could get child support, 30% of all my husbands earnings, which is much higher than the legal limit. again, this is not that "important" but it is something to consider.

all these 4 years of marriage, after torturing myself and him, I can say that we are at a better place, I do not regret nor resent him in anyway... not anymore. I had forbidden him from looking for that child, mostly out of fear that OW would want to steal DH, but now I feel much more secure of myself and of him, i truly believe that what we have is stronger that anything. so now we talked it over and he will begin searching for joint custody or visitations (and fair child support). I have to mention that she got married 2 months ago.

now, I know what i did was wrong, but it was something I did to protect me, my daughter and my life. i think I'm capable of doing that, SS involved or not.

well, now you have the past, so, what about the future?

what should I expect? Can i walk around with my head high holding my daughters hand on one side and my "step son" on the other? i mean, it's not THAT weir, but not that normal either.

i would like to talk to the OW with my husband so she knows that i am with him and at his side out of love, not to harm anyone and that that child will be treated as any guest in my house, with respect, hopefully that child will grow on me and vice versa, but, what should I expect, how will my daughter react? anybody else in this type of situation, I feel alone, a little bit, i don't know any 23 year old with these problems...

thank you for reading this Long looooong post.

Dani G. [B]"That which you though could destroy you, just might make you stronger"
BettiePage is offline  
#2 of 18 Old 07-20-2009, 02:03 PM
 
chaoticzenmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 4,962
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
First off, I don't see how 600$ is anything compared to 30% of his salary going to a child that's not his. I'd find that out ASAP.

As for being the step-mom. Everything has changed since then. If you feel secure in your marraige, then you shouldn't worry about the threat. I would hope that you could love him as your own. But I'm wondering why your dh would give up this boy just because you insisted? It kind of makes me think that he should just let the boy be if he's that fickle. What if he gets into the boys life and you change your mind? Children can't just be put on a shelf. Either make a solid committment, or let the child live his life without the confusion of 2 houses and a "new" dad.

Our children make a study of us in a way no one else ever will.  If we don't act according to our values, they will know.~Starhawk Rainbow.gif  New  User Agreement! http://www.mothering.com/community/wiki/user-agreement

chaoticzenmom is offline  
#3 of 18 Old 07-22-2009, 09:43 AM
 
flapjack's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: England, easily locatable by Google
Posts: 13,647
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
That poor, poor child, abandoned by his father because he had a stepmother who felt insecure :

This is real. This is for life-a child's life. IMO, the right thing for your DH to do is to ask for a paternity test, hand over his contact details and a cheque for 120% of his yearly salary (plus 30% from now on) and let the child call the shots from now on.

Helen mum to five and mistress of mess and mayhem, making merry and mischief til the sun goes down.
flapjack is offline  
#4 of 18 Old 07-22-2009, 09:58 AM
 
Seasons's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Host city of Laundryfest 2009
Posts: 1,650
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Yeah. Flapjack, you said it. That poor child. So unfair to him to take away his father for FOUR YEARS!

The only thing you owe to others is to behave with integrity.
Seasons is offline  
#5 of 18 Old 07-22-2009, 12:40 PM
 
Conifer's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 190
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
That poor, poor child, abandoned by his father because he had a stepmother who felt insecure
I think that's harsh. We don't know the whole situation or if the child is even his. This is a huge emotional turmoil to be pregnant, dh having an affair and getting another woman pg at the same time. OP, you had it rough. I think I would have said something similar...whether it was right or wrong at the time. I would need to KNOW that my husband was there for ME, OUR CHILDREN and OUR BABY. I know that sounds selfish, but I'm being honest. This other woman had a choice in the whole matter too! First find out if this child IS your dh's. A friend of mine recently went through a similar situation with her fiance and it turned out the baby wasn't even his!!! We also don't know what this child's situation is. If the OW got married, this man may just want to raise the kid as his own. If the kid is happy and has a father in his life, why make it more complicated. We don't know all of the details!!!! OP, I suggest that you find out if the child is your dh's. If it is, set up the correct child support. Then have dh talk to the OW. See what she wants and what she thinks is best??? That would be a good start. But I just wanted to say that I think your feelings were valid and I feel sorry that you have had to go through this.
Conifer is offline  
#6 of 18 Old 07-22-2009, 01:06 PM
 
Phoenix~Mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Lehigh Valley, PA
Posts: 5,306
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Conifer View Post
I think that's harsh. We don't know the whole situation or if the child is even his. This is a huge emotional turmoil to be pregnant, dh having an affair and getting another woman pg at the same time. OP, you had it rough. I think I would have said something similar...whether it was right or wrong at the time. I would need to KNOW that my husband was there for ME, OUR CHILDREN and OUR BABY. I know that sounds selfish, but I'm being honest. This other woman had a choice in the whole matter too! First find out if this child IS your dh's. A friend of mine recently went through a similar situation with her fiance and it turned out the baby wasn't even his!!! We also don't know what this child's situation is. If the OW got married, this man may just want to raise the kid as his own. If the kid is happy and has a father in his life, why make it more complicated. We don't know all of the details!!!! OP, I suggest that you find out if the child is your dh's. If it is, set up the correct child support. Then have dh talk to the OW. See what she wants and what she thinks is best??? That would be a good start. But I just wanted to say that I think your feelings were valid and I feel sorry that you have had to go through this.
I agree with all of this. OP, I'm so sorry for the anguish you have been through.

This is not a normal Stepmom doesn't want DH to see his kid case... she was MARRIED while this other kid popped up... she didn't go into this marriage knowing or thinking she'd ever have to be a Stepmom. Cut the poor woman some slack.

We are told all the time that becoming a StepMom is a choice and we knew what we were getting into, blah blah blah.... she honestly did not!!!

I love how Stepmoms are never ever allowed to have their feelings, everything and anything to do with a StepMom is suck it up and deal. We are human and have absolute entitlement to our feelings as well.

/end mini rant

ribbonpurple.gif  Proud Single Mama, Birth & Postpartum Doula

Student, Aspiring CNM 
treehugger.gif  DD ~ 1/7/09   shamrocksmile.gif  DS ~ 9/22/10

Phoenix~Mama is offline  
#7 of 18 Old 07-22-2009, 02:19 PM
 
New_Natural_Mom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Illinois
Posts: 2,261
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
Cut the poor woman some slack.

We are told all the time that becoming a StepMom is a choice and we knew what we were getting into, blah blah blah.... she honestly did not!!!

I love how Stepmoms are never ever allowed to have their feelings, everything and anything to do with a StepMom is suck it up and deal. We are human and have absolute entitlement to our feelings as well.

/end mini rant
I agree with this. I am not in this situation, but the op is totally entitled to her feelings. I don't know if I could handle it as well as she did. What the man did was a complete betrayal to himself, both women, and to the children he fathered. The situation is backwards, and though perhaps not PC, the OP reacted as I think many women might. THere is no magic button that exists to make feelings go away.

OP, I think some of the PP were harsh. Every day is a new day to begin again. If you want to make a change and try to establish a relationship, then do so. Please get a paternity test first. You don't want to get involved in this child's life only to find out later there was no blood relation. That is unfair to the child. If this child truly is your DH's, be gentle with yourself and take things slowly.

goorganic.jpgwife to footinmouth.gif, currently WOH and geek.gif on my doctorate. (I'm dissertating!) We: novaxnocirc.giftoddler.gifgd.giffamilybed1.gif  with DS (4/09)!
New_Natural_Mom is offline  
#8 of 18 Old 07-22-2009, 02:45 PM
 
Rosedotcom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 581
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
This is not a normal Stepmom doesn't want DH to see his kid case... she was MARRIED while this other kid popped up... she didn't go into this marriage knowing or thinking she'd ever have to be a Stepmom. Cut the poor woman some slack.
She said she found out two days before the marriage. That's not a lot of time, but she did go into the marriage knowing who her husband was and that he had a potential child out there. I do feel for you for what your husband did.

Sometimes the truth is harsh. It's harsh that this child missed 4 years of having a father because you felt insecure. I'm glad that you see know that it was wrong and that you want to do the right thing. I would get a paternity test right away and go from there.
Rosedotcom is offline  
#9 of 18 Old 07-22-2009, 03:12 PM
 
claddaghmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 4,074
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
You have to search to find the child?
She's married?

How do you know one but not the other?

If she is married, seems like you can't even dwell on your options. It's up to her, the child and her spouse.

She might want you guys to go jump in a lake.

Mama to expecting Babe 2
claddaghmom is offline  
#10 of 18 Old 07-22-2009, 04:46 PM
 
Softmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Posts: 1,035
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
OP- There ARE other women in your position. Check the website survivinginfidelity.com, they have a whole thread dealing with betrayed spouses and how they are handling the children of the affair. I'll try and find that link for you. edit to add: sending you the link via pm
Softmama is offline  
#11 of 18 Old 07-22-2009, 05:50 PM
 
aricha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Vermont
Posts: 1,166
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
What's done is done. She doesn't need the morality of her past choices hashed over. She came here asking us for help and support, which is the whole point of this board. She is ready to move forward, beyond whatever choices she made in the past...

As a step-mom who had no place to look for support and advice for a long time, I'm committed to keeping the conversation here positive for step-moms who are doing their best to do the right thing in some really complicated situations.

Onward...

Parenting four little monkeys (11, 8, 6, and 4) with the love of my life. Making it up as I go.
aricha is offline  
#12 of 18 Old 07-22-2009, 07:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
BettiePage's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Reynosa, Mexico.
Posts: 6
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
The reactions where overwhelming.

i thank you all for your opinions, all are true and valid and I respect all of them... thank you.

we already involved a new lawyer with the last one (which didn't do much) so this will be starting soon, first step, get her into the light, second, establish paternity... third and forth, i have no idea but on the mean while I'll keep turning to you guys here.

honestly, i live in a box! this country is so judgmental on the way these things should be handled, but hey, at least we have soccer :

thank you all, please keep writing.

Dani G. [B]"That which you though could destroy you, just might make you stronger"
BettiePage is offline  
#13 of 18 Old 07-23-2009, 04:58 AM
 
flapjack's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: England, easily locatable by Google
Posts: 13,647
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
OK. Specifically, the reason I'm reacting so strongly right now is because this child has a lot going on in his life right now without his dad showing up out of the blue. He has a new step-parent already, and if his mother's only been remarried for a few days/weeks/months then that family is already in a certain amount of turmoil.

Also, BettiePage- my children's dad made a calculated decision to abandon contact with them last summer. He changed his mind, but that hurt my kids really deeply. Children have a right to know their parents- all four of them, in this case. It's not about you, or your DH, or your stepson's mom or the new SD any more. Being a stepmom is hard, I know from talking to others here. Being a mom isn't a picnic either, or being a dad or a stepdad. It's about putting the kids first and all acting like grownups whilst you figure it out.

As a biomom with an ex whose situation is in some ways comparable to your husbands, the best advice I can give you is to let him make contact with his son by himself and keep yourself in the background at least to start with. SM and I have gone from being friendly to a barely civilised politeness, because she jumped into discussions between my ex and I and made it much harder to come to a fast, painless agreement. He's going to have to earn every single scrap of goodwill and trust from someone that he hurt. Twice. This is going to be hard enough to do anyhow, and no matter how nice you are, that's not going to diminish your DH's actions at all.
Also, to be clear- I'm not blaming you for your DH's choices. HE chose to do the wrong thing. There was never a decision there for you to make.

Helen mum to five and mistress of mess and mayhem, making merry and mischief til the sun goes down.
flapjack is offline  
#14 of 18 Old 07-23-2009, 11:16 AM
 
Serenyd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Natchez, MS
Posts: 2,459
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
OP - I feel for you! You have to remember, the ball is in your DH's court, and you can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do. You can try to influence his decisions, but they are still his to make. This is not your fault, either. He's the one who let this happen, who ignored this child for 4 yrs. I have been through this myself and it is an emotional rollercoaster. My DP's fiancee dumped him while she was pregnant, and told him the baby wasn't his, then married another guy "the baby's real father". Soon after, we reconnected (we had dated a couple years before his engagement) and I unexpectedly become pregnant right around the time she had her son. We decided to move in together and raise the baby. We've moved on with our lives, and suddenly, 4 yrs later she takes him to court for paternity testing and child support. I had mixed feelings, because I was happy for my son to have a sibling, since he was an only at the time, but upset about the deception. And then apparently she had come to my DP after her divorce (her 1st marriage didn't last long) and told him it was his child, but then changed her story after she started dating someone new, and this happened more than once, and he never told me she had been coming to see him, at work, and at our home, when I was at school, getting an education so I could help support our family ...... so I was very angry at him for not telling me what had been going on. And I do not think 1/3 of your income going to support this child is fair at all, it's not fair to your family anyway! But the courts don't see it like that. I would try to get DP to do paternity testing, even if it is informal, before he decides what step to take next. But as I have painfully found out, you can't get him to do anything he doesn't want to.

 nak.gif Mommy to fencing.gifKai 2/03, hammer.gifCaden 1/08, energy.gif Kara 10/09, angel1.gif 3/21/13, &

rainbow1284.gif baby.gif  Cole 2/3/14 ♡ Happily unmarried to geek.gif Papa since 2002 ♡

~We may not have it all together  but together we have it all~ uc.jpgsaynovax.gifgoorganic.jpgintactivist.giflactivist.gif 

Serenyd is offline  
#15 of 18 Old 07-23-2009, 01:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
BettiePage's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Reynosa, Mexico.
Posts: 6
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Serenyd: too appropriate response, I'm at school too!

well, at least, as far as I know, DH has not been in contact with OW in all this time, but we hear from her every now and then because a friend of ours is married to OW's best friend but his wife won;t talk to me because she is convinced I am the OW... oh, what tangled webs we weave.


flapjack: don't worry, I did not feel insulted in any way, thank you for sharing your reasons and I feel for you and your children as well as for everybody else.


I know that it's complicated, and in the end it was a very selfish action. I did not have any idea I had that much say in this, honestly, but hopefully we will fix this soon. I would like to explain myself a little more, DH is my best friend and has been for almost 9 years now, he saw me grow from geeky teen to loving mother and has helped me be who I am today. The subject matter was something he avoided and all because of the same reasons I thought of... What about OUR daughter?, yes, she has both her parents, but she will also have to adapt and we will force her into another world she never even knew possible! again, she doesn't know yet, we will wait until we can get a paternity established, but you can't expect a specific reaction from a 4 year old... I hope for one, but I will just have to be there for her.

thank you for the encouragement, it has been so nice venting this out, my parents aren't OK with this at all! my dad is a little bit more understanding but let;s face it, he still sees me as the little girl.

please keep in touch... should I post updated on this same thread?

Dani G. [B]"That which you though could destroy you, just might make you stronger"
BettiePage is offline  
#16 of 18 Old 07-23-2009, 02:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
BettiePage's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Reynosa, Mexico.
Posts: 6
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by New_Natural_Mom View Post
Every day is a new day to begin again. If you want to make a change and try to establish a relationship, then do so. Please get a paternity test first. You don't want to get involved in this child's life only to find out later there was no blood relation. That is unfair to the child. If this child truly is your DH's, be gentle with yourself and take things slowly.
this is very true... thanks.

Dani G. [B]"That which you though could destroy you, just might make you stronger"
BettiePage is offline  
#17 of 18 Old 07-23-2009, 02:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
BettiePage's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Reynosa, Mexico.
Posts: 6
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
thanks! got the PM...

Dani G. [B]"That which you though could destroy you, just might make you stronger"
BettiePage is offline  
#18 of 18 Old 07-23-2009, 06:46 PM
 
~PurityLake~'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Anchorage, Alaska, US
Posts: 6,153
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Conifer View Post
I think that's harsh. We don't know the whole situation or if the child is even his. This is a huge emotional turmoil to be pregnant, dh having an affair and getting another woman pg at the same time. OP, you had it rough. I think I would have said something similar...whether it was right or wrong at the time. I would need to KNOW that my husband was there for ME, OUR CHILDREN and OUR BABY. I know that sounds selfish, but I'm being honest. This other woman had a choice in the whole matter too! First find out if this child IS your dh's. A friend of mine recently went through a similar situation with her fiance and it turned out the baby wasn't even his!!! We also don't know what this child's situation is. If the OW got married, this man may just want to raise the kid as his own. If the kid is happy and has a father in his life, why make it more complicated. We don't know all of the details!!!! OP, I suggest that you find out if the child is your dh's. If it is, set up the correct child support. Then have dh talk to the OW. See what she wants and what she thinks is best??? That would be a good start. But I just wanted to say that I think your feelings were valid and I feel sorry that you have had to go through this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
I agree with all of this. OP, I'm so sorry for the anguish you have been through.

This is not a normal Stepmom doesn't want DH to see his kid case... she was MARRIED while this other kid popped up... she didn't go into this marriage knowing or thinking she'd ever have to be a Stepmom. Cut the poor woman some slack.

We are told all the time that becoming a StepMom is a choice and we knew what we were getting into, blah blah blah.... she honestly did not!!!

I love how Stepmoms are never ever allowed to have their feelings, everything and anything to do with a StepMom is suck it up and deal. We are human and have absolute entitlement to our feelings as well.

/end mini rant
Quote:
Originally Posted by New_Natural_Mom View Post
I agree with this. I am not in this situation, but the op is totally entitled to her feelings. I don't know if I could handle it as well as she did. What the man did was a complete betrayal to himself, both women, and to the children he fathered. The situation is backwards, and though perhaps not PC, the OP reacted as I think many women might. THere is no magic button that exists to make feelings go away.

OP, I think some of the PP were harsh. Every day is a new day to begin again. If you want to make a change and try to establish a relationship, then do so. Please get a paternity test first. You don't want to get involved in this child's life only to find out later there was no blood relation. That is unfair to the child. If this child truly is your DH's, be gentle with yourself and take things slowly.
Quote:
Originally Posted by aricha View Post
What's done is done. She doesn't need the morality of her past choices hashed over. She came here asking us for help and support, which is the whole point of this board. She is ready to move forward, beyond whatever choices she made in the past...

As a step-mom who had no place to look for support and advice for a long time, I'm committed to keeping the conversation here positive for step-moms who are doing their best to do the right thing in some really complicated situations.

Onward...






:

Katreena, peace.gif 39 year old Alaskan treehugger.gif Mama to 1 hearts.gif and 1 lady.gif gd.gif
 
 
 
 

~PurityLake~ is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off