Is this a horrible thought? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 40 Old 07-31-2009, 04:34 PM - Thread Starter
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I have tried everything in my power to get her biological father, P, to be interested in her. Early in the pregnancy, he asked for ultrasound reports. I brought them to him. I also brought him the very first outfit I bought for my daughter. I told him that maybe seeing that outfit would make her seem more real.. I never heard from him again.

I saw him directly next door to my house visiting.. well, a past meth user. I saw him there TWO days in a row and he knows where I live and he saw me drive by. He didn't make any effort to come say hi.. or ask how his daughter is doing. Nothing. He never even looked my way. I found myself obsessively watching him from behind the curtains, desperate for some sign.. that he cared.

It seems to me that he doesn't believe she is his, which is ridiculous. I obsess over this sort of stuff.. her.. how she will feel about him or her lack of him, or the decisions I make. It's so hard for me to imagine that he doesn't want anything to do with her. I just think.. that he has such a hard head to think that I would choose HIM to be her father, you know? That I would try to pin my sweet, precious daughter on someone of his kind, like he is actually a GOOD thing for her, when it's actually the opposite that is true. I welcome him as her father, because he is.. and it is her god given right to know him, should she decide.

I just wonder.. why would I subject my daughter to being unwanted? Unloved? Full of hope and wonder.. for someone who can't give that back? Do I not marry my partner right now.. and let him fall into Ps hands, demand a paternity test, which will show she is his daughter, THEN he will decide it's a good time to come around? This doesn't make sense. How to you decide to suddenly love someone. He's missing the excitement.. the anticipation.. the hope.. the wonder.. and the.. love.. to build for this little lady.

Like his family.. they were invited to my shower, but they didn't come. Apparently they had a prior engagement.. to help a cousin move. BUT.. they said.. they would send a gift... and could they have my phone number so they could call and talk to me? I didn't ever want a damn gift. I wanted to know they cared. I felt, in my heart, that if I saw them there, I would know they cared. I would know they wanted to be a part of her. I also thought I might gain some insight on how P really felt about it all. Like I said.. they didn't come.. and they didn't send a gift.. and they didn't call. I have to feel like I get it. Like it's crystal effing clear.

I only want whats best for her... what, ultimately, in the end.. can be reflected upon and felt like it was the RIGHT thing to do.. the BEST thing for one very, very special.. and wanted.. little girl.

Mama to Jon (14), Josh (12), Jack (5), Jamison (3), and Jocelyn (9 months)
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#32 of 40 Old 07-31-2009, 07:37 PM
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sounds like he's not interested b/c he *is* interested in the meth. (maybe his family is into it too?) i just saw a bill curtis special on meth users last night on cable. scary, scary stuff.

please tell me you are making your plans to get married to your long time partner already!

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#33 of 40 Old 07-31-2009, 07:52 PM
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I don't think it's horrible at all.

Amy - mom to Anna-Rebekah 14, Logan 13, Christian 8, Ethan 7 and Adan 07/15/08
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#34 of 40 Old 07-31-2009, 07:58 PM
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Originally Posted by amynbebes View Post
I don't think it's horrible at all.


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#35 of 40 Old 07-31-2009, 09:47 PM
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mama my concern would be your marriage.

why are you getting married.

because your DP and you want to get married and your dd just fit into the plans?

or did the marriage idea come up because of your dd?

in case dp and you decide to split later on - would he continue to parent your dd too?

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#36 of 40 Old 07-31-2009, 10:48 PM
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Reading the ongoing discussion, I'd like to reaffirm my support for the OP.

A PP mentioned how awful it is for one parent to unilaterally decide to restrict the other parent's rights or access to the child and to justify it by saying they're "protecting" the child. Nobody hates that more than I do!!! My husband was tormented by that kind of crap for 8 years before he finally got sole custody of his son - and it cost him every cent of his life's savings.

But there's a very important difference between:

* A Mom who just doesn't want to share her child with an ex who is a competent parent, so she twists every trivial thing she doesn't like about him into something the child needs to be "protected" from, to justify her own selfishness; and

* A Mom who conceived a child with a man who doesn't want to parent, or who makes life choices that a child unquestionably must be protected from.

Assuming everything the OP has said about her ex-BF is true, she is not trying to keep this guy out of her daughter's life. There is a more stable, more willing alternative father-figure for her daughter and she's wondering if it's OK to cement that relationship, so that guy can actually be "Dad". (Or look at it this way: If, God forbid, something happens to Mom in the next few years, this baby can continue to be raised by the guy who has actually been her Daddy, without worries about bio-dad or his family deciding to take her away, when they hadn't been involved before.) How can that be wrong, especially when the OP seems pretty clearly willing to let bio-dad and his family be involved, if they were interested?

And the idea of a baby that a woman conceives with her lover being the legal child of her husband is by no means a novel bit of manipulation. Laws like that have existed since the Victorian age, at least. They're a bit curious today, in that they give a certain implication that women are the property of their husbands, but the bottom line is that such laws are meant to defend the sanctity of a family - ALL the members, including the existing children - and they presume that an intact family is a more stable environment for the new child than being raised by a man who impregnated someone else's wife. Today, that may not always be the case. But it DOES seem to be the case, for the OP. And it's not like she got a new boyfriend and is marrying him to spite the last one. She's already been with her common-law husband for 15 years and they have other children together.

You're doing the right thing, Famatigia. But quit stalking your ex-BF through the curtains. If you're going to do this, you have to try to focus on your husband and work on letting go of any feelings about the other guy, even anger, resentment or rejection. Any emotional energy you direct toward him is destructive to your family, at this point. He's made his choices and you've made yours. Be strong.

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#37 of 40 Old 07-31-2009, 11:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Jeannine View Post
quit stalking your ex-BF through the curtains. If you're going to do this, you have to try to focus on your husband and work on letting go of any feelings about the other guy, even anger, resentment or rejection. Any emotional energy you direct toward him is destructive to your family

and another vote to marry DP!!! asap! baby could come early, get thee (and thine) to the courthouse!

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#38 of 40 Old 08-02-2009, 08:37 PM
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If I were in the OP's shoes I would not be rushing to marry *anyone*.

The OP's judgement obviously hasn't been the best as of late and I'm not sure racing into a marriage right now is going to 'fix' much of anything....and actually may complicate things unduly for all parties concerned. Just imagining the legal fees alone at this point gives me the heebie-jeebies.

To the OP - I do commend you for making a choice that is right for you - having the child - when in all actuality it might have been easier to do otherwise (and no judgements if you had). I also commend you for wanting to make choices now that are good and protective of your unborn child. Unfortunately, there is almost nothing you can do to remove the rights the father has. That choice was made when you both had unprotected sex and produced a child. He is the father. You can marry who you want, call the baby what you want, etc. etc. But that man is the child's biological father and nothing is going to change that.
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#39 of 40 Old 08-03-2009, 02:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
One parent can't unilaterally determine what the other parent's rights are. The courts can get involved at any point, and they can override either parent...or both.

As for the stuff about making it harder for the bio-dad to parent. I don't even get this. My ex is a crack addict. I've never blocked his access to ds1 - only have a court ruling specifying that said access must be supervised by someone acceptable to me.
Then you obviously didn't "unilaterally" deny access. But you were married, and paternity had been established. That's different from this situation. When a woman chooses to leave off biodad's name from a birth certificate, that's unilateral action that severely limits biodad's ability to at any point take "responsibility" for or know his child. I think that is wrong, EVEN WHEN the mother says they will "let the father in" when THEY determine it's appropriate to do so.

This is a slippery slope. OP is defining (for us) the nature of her baby's father-- a meth addict. She's contemplating actions that would legally identify someone else as her baby's father. Many people here agree that OP has to protect her daughter from this addict. But divorce and custody are ugly, and oftentimes what one parent says about the other is biased and sometimes downright false. That's supposedly why we have courts.

A PP apparently believes me to be naive regarding the legal system, given my opinions. I'm an attorney, and my husband and I spent a lot of money on a custody battle that we lost. I know what the system is like. I know it doesn't work perfectly, by any stretch. But no system does. I don't think that means that we get to maneuver around it based on some sense of moral correctness. The implications of that on both a large and small scale are huge.

And we're not talking about a custody fight here-- the biodad wouldn't even get the opportunity to fight because he wouldn't legally be considered the biodad.
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#40 of 40 Old 08-03-2009, 10:41 PM
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I agree with a pp who said that the law exists for a reason, which is to keep the sanctity of the intact family, well...intact. It assumes that a father who is around, parenting all of the children, will be around to continue to parent this child. And in this case, where the father has already given up custody of another child, a precident has been set for the court, anyway, esp now that he is back into drugs.

I would marry your partner. I would work with HIM on being excited about the impending arrival of your daughter, and I would enjoy the family that you have around you.

Good luck.

Mama to two awesome kids. Wife to a wonderful, attached, loving husband. I love my job-- I'm a Midwife, Doula and Childbirth Educator, Classes forming now!

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