Is this a horrible thought? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 40 Old 07-29-2009, 04:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My current partner and I have been together for nearly 15 years. We are not married, but we have 4 awesome boys together. We hit a slump.. oh, about 9 months ago.. and I met someone else. It was just an immature, stupid fling, but I found myself dealing with the ultimate blow. Pregnant. My partner had a vasectomy 2 years ago. I know this baby is the result of said.. fling.

Now, her father has shown NO interest in this pregnancy, or in her, even. I just found out that his mom JUST found out when she got the baby shower invitation at 32 weeks. Sick. Ugh. Anyways.. He isn't a great guy, he has a horrible criminal record. When I was with him, he was raising his daughter in his home and he was working. He's since lost his job and given his daughter back to her mother. He had a history in crystal meth and I am positive that he picked this back up. Selling, mostly, you know, for money. But, he is also doing meth. I have not heard from him in 17 weeks, nor have I heard from his family. None of them came to my baby shower. It's clearly apparent that none of them really, truly care.

So, my partner and I have worked things out and are on great terms. He is a little bit leery of the upcoming baby and I can't say I blame him. He is worried he will fall in love with her, then her biological father will want to come around and he will lose her. I can understand this, but I also understand a primal bond between biological parents and their children.

Here's my latest thoughts.

Like I said, my partner and I are not married, but have been talking about it. We also live in MN. (Which matters with where I am going.) Minnesota law says a baby born to a married couple is automatically the child of the husband. In all legal eyes, the husband is the father of the child and if someone were to demand a paternity test to claim said child, there is a long process which includes court.. and fights, which frankly, is a lot of money. (this is the brief version, I suppose.)

So, I've been thinking of marrying my partner in the next few weeks.. before the baby is born, so that she can be born his. She can have his last name.. and he will not really have to worry about losing her. Minnesota law protects him of this.. in a sense.

This would also protect her from the negativity that her biological fathers side holds, you know? But at the same time, then I worry.. that I am taking that away from her. I would never lie to her and keep who she is away from her. I would always be open to her knowing him.. or who he is, or whatever. I am just torn on all of it. He shows no interest, nor does his family. Do they just expect to be able to pop in after she is here and claim to love her? He doesn't work.. and I would never see child support from him anyways.. so giving that up by marrying my partner would not be a loss. I really only see a gain from it.

There is so much going through my head.. that words could never get it all out.

Anyone have any opinions here?

-Tangy
Mama to Jon (14), Josh (12), Jack (5), Jamison (3), and Jocelyn (9 months)
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#2 of 40 Old 07-29-2009, 04:16 PM
 
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I don't think you are horrible at all for having this thought. I think I might think/do the same in your place.

On the other hand, would the bio. father be willing to give up his rights so that your DP could legally adopt the baby? My Aunt and Uncle did this. It would protect your DP and your DD, in the legal sense. Then, you could be honest with her as she grows up without the fear of it all crashing down on you.

Good luck!!!
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#3 of 40 Old 07-29-2009, 04:19 PM
 
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I'm not in quite the same situation you are, but I did have a child with an abusive, mentally ill man. He's no longer a part of our lives AT ALL. He I have full legal and physical custody. He has zero visitation or any other contact with DS. I used to have an order of protection against him, but it expired and there was no need to renew it when he wasn't bothering us. I don't even know where he's living (or, for that matter, if he's even still alive.) One of these days I need to legally divorce him and change back to my maiden name (which I'm using anyway).

If I could go back in time, I never would have married him. I wish I'd dumped him while I was pg. DS probably would have benefitted from being "legally" somebody else's child.

I say, go ahead and marry DP. It sounds to me like a great way to protect the new baby from a potentially painful situation, should the bio dad come back into the picture at some point. When you tell him or her the truth, play up the part about DH "choosing to be your Daddy because he wanted you."

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#4 of 40 Old 07-29-2009, 04:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by FireFrog View Post
I don't think you are horrible at all for having this thought. I think I might think/do the same in your place.

On the other hand, would the bio. father be willing to give up his rights so that your DP could legally adopt the baby? My Aunt and Uncle did this. It would protect your DP and your DD, in the legal sense. Then, you could be honest with her as she grows up without the fear of it all crashing down on you.

Good luck!!!
No.. I am sure he would not do this. I wish it could b e that simple..

I am sad about taking her away from his family, however.. and I think its stupid of me!

-Tangy
Mama to Jon (14), Josh (12), Jack (5), Jamison (3), and Jocelyn (9 months)
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#5 of 40 Old 07-29-2009, 05:00 PM
 
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I think I would do it. No reason she can't "belong" to your dp & still have a relationship with other extended family. Sounds like a reasonable solution to give everyone in the situation stability.

Surviving sleep deprivation one day at a time with dd (Oct '11) & ds (Oct '08).

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#6 of 40 Old 07-29-2009, 05:16 PM
 
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Is your partner supportive of this idea? would you have wanted to marry him otherwise?

Go for it, if you wanted to get married anyways.

do you think bio father will find out? would he want to see the baby?

good luck!

Student Nurse Midwife and semi crunchy mom to 4 "C" named kids! 10yr old DS, 8 yr old DD, 6yr old DD, and 3 yr old DS. Praying that C #5 is in the future for me!
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#7 of 40 Old 07-29-2009, 05:24 PM
 
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I would check on the legality of that, since you and your dp would be doing it knowing that he is not the biological father. It sounds like the father of your baby does not want to give up rights, and therefore it may be that he could make a lot of trouble for you if he took it into his head to go through the court system and prove that, not only is he the bio father, but that you and your dp knowningly played the system to make it harder for him to see his child. Now, I am not saying at all that he shoudl be a part of his child's life based on his drug habit-obviously I don't really know. I'm not even saying don't do this-I can certainly see why you might want to, but I think it would be smart to cover yourself in case he does decide to fight. Can you afford to talk to a lawyer? Good luck, this sounds like a really hard situation for everyone.

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#8 of 40 Old 07-29-2009, 05:45 PM
 
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Go for it, if you wanted to get married anyways.
This is what I think too. I wouldn't ask the bio father to give up rights; that is just opening a can of worms. And I wouldn't feel badly about keeping her from bio dad's family. If they want to see her, they know where you are, right? And it sounds like you plan to be honest with her from the start, which is a good plan. No good can come from her finding out at 10 or 20 that she isn't biologically his.
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#9 of 40 Old 07-29-2009, 05:53 PM
 
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He shows no interest, nor does his family.
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I am sad about taking her away from his family, however..
If they're showing absolutely no interest, then how are you "taking her away" from them?

Besides, it doesn't sound like you're truly avoiding them. If bio-grandma wanted to get to know her, I assume you'd let her come visit and get to know DD, without requiring bio-dad to do any kind of legal paperwork.

And bio-dad would need to get his stuff together before he'd be able to be involved, even if you put his name on the birth certificate. Meth users generally DON'T get unsupervised visitation (when Family Court judges make the decisions anyway.)

If you marry DP, and then bio-dad gets his act together, files for paternity, etc. DP would remain "stepdad". This alone gives him more legal standing with her than if you don't marry.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19, Hannah, 18, and Jack, 12
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#10 of 40 Old 07-29-2009, 05:59 PM
 
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Absolutely I would do it. He's not just a druggie, he deals. Not somebody I want within miles of my child.

His family is uninterested. Keep it that way. Truly, I would never mention anything to any of them ever again in the interests of protecting this little one from the fall out of potentially messy grandparent situations, an unstable biodad, all that.
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#11 of 40 Old 07-29-2009, 06:13 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Famatigia
Minnesota law says a baby born to a married couple is automatically the child of the husband. In all legal eyes, the husband is the father of the child and if someone were to demand a paternity test to claim said child, there is a long process which includes court.. and fights, which frankly, is a lot of money. (this is the brief version, I suppose.)

So, I've been thinking of marrying my partner in the next few weeks.. before the baby is born, so that she can be born his. She can have his last name.. and he will not really have to worry about losing her. Minnesota law protects him of this.. in a sense.
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I would check on the legality of that, since you and your dp would be doing it knowing that he is not the biological father. It sounds like the father of your baby does not want to give up rights, and therefore it may be that he could make a lot of trouble for you if he took it into his head to go through the court system and prove that, not only is he the bio father, but that you and your dp knowningly played the system to make it harder for him to see his child.
I disagree with PPs. If you married your partner prior to giving birth to this other man's child, you'd be doing it only to make it harder (and more costly) for a parent to see his child. You wouldn't be assuring your partner that the child would now be his; you're just trying to make it hard for the real father.

I would totally support your husband's adoption of this other child, IF the child's bio-dad wanted to give up his parental rights. But until the bio-dad legally gives up rights, it's not fair for you to make it harder for him to be a father.

And IF the bio-dad voluntarily stays away from his daughter, that's one thing - but could you really sleep at night knowing you were TRYING to keep them apart? How could you ever explain that to your daughter? "Your dad doesn't visit because i tried to make it hard for him." Ow. Your daughter's going to have enough concerns getting over the nature of her birth; please don't add to it.

And yeah, drug-dealing is icky, but drug-dealers ARE allowed to parent, sorry.

The only thing you owe to others is to behave with integrity.
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#12 of 40 Old 07-29-2009, 06:15 PM
 
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I think marrying him sounds like the wisest decision you could possibly make!

I'm tempted to suggest that you also let your new baby think your husband really is her father... but only you really understand all the nuances.

* If her bio dad and his family have nothing positive to offer her (and just from your description, it doesn't sound like they do), then what does she gain, compared to what she loses, by knowing her mom cheated on her Daddy and that he's not her real dad?

* I realize your baby will have a half-sister on her bio dad's side, but between age differences and hostility from that family, is there a realistic prospect of those sisters having a meaningful relationship? Again, weigh that against your baby's disillusionment in knowing she doesn't have the same bio dad as your other kids, who will be in the home where she grows up.

* You'd also have to consider the likelihood of someone telling your baby the truth when she's older.

Well, just a thought. Happy wedding!

Jeannine

P.S. I must add that I strenuously disagree with one of the PPs. All people don't necessarily have a right to parent just because they contributed sperm. A dad who chooses to make his living in ways that would land him in prison if he's caught; MUCH LESS a dad who's DOING meth - which can cause behavior that's absolutely dangerous and unacceptable for a child to be around; and who ALSO impregnated a woman who is married (albeit a common-law marriage), such that her husband has legal rights to the baby...that man has created HIS OWN roadblocks to parenting his child. That child should not be denied a parental relationship with a safer, more responsible man, out of concern for the feelings/"rights" of the druggie. Sorry. The child is more important.

One woman in a house full of men:  my soul mate:    or... twin sons:(HS seniors) ... step-son:  (a sophomore) ... our little man:   (a first grader) ... and there is another female in the house, after all:  our
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#13 of 40 Old 07-29-2009, 08:11 PM
 
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Well, considering I know you, I think you will do the right thing. Marrying him would be a wonderful idea if you guys have worked everything out, not just for her, but for the boys. Knowing that mom and dad are married and are sticking it out would be good for them.

With that said, if her bio dad wanted to have a relationship with her, how would a last name deminish that relationship at all? How would her having the same last name as you, her brothers and dad change that her bio dad and his family are still a part of who she is? A name means nothing. A, D and O having different last names from me doesn't mean I am any less their mother, just that someone else has rights and responsiblities to them. I am still their mom though. And if bio dad gets his crap together, he can still be a parent, but that doesn't make your husband any less a parent as well.

Anyway, I say do it, let her grow up in a family with lots of love, but give that to the boys too. You messed up, but maybe it was supposed to happen. You guys are getting your girl and hopefully it brought you closer together because of it.
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#14 of 40 Old 07-29-2009, 11:38 PM
 
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I disagree with PPs. If you married your partner prior to giving birth to this other man's child, you'd be doing it only to make it harder (and more costly) for a parent to see his child. You wouldn't be assuring your partner that the child would now be his; you're just trying to make it hard for the real father.

I would totally support your husband's adoption of this other child, IF the child's bio-dad wanted to give up his parental rights. But until the bio-dad legally gives up rights, it's not fair for you to make it harder for him to be a father.

And IF the bio-dad voluntarily stays away from his daughter, that's one thing - but could you really sleep at night knowing you were TRYING to keep them apart? How could you ever explain that to your daughter? "Your dad doesn't visit because i tried to make it hard for him." Ow. Your daughter's going to have enough concerns getting over the nature of her birth; please don't add to it.

And yeah, drug-dealing is icky, but drug-dealers ARE allowed to parent, sorry.
I have to agree. Let's be real - you chose this guy. I suspect his history didn't suddenly smack you in the face.

By marrying your partner and pretending he is this child's father, you are lying to your child from the get-go. You're telling him/her one of the biggest lies you could ever tell. You are also denying him/her the right to his/her medical history.

I think it's wrong. Completely, totally, and utterly wrong.
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#15 of 40 Old 07-30-2009, 01:05 AM
 
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I would do it. Marry him that is. The other guy sounds like a loser, who will probably be relieved that he doesn't have to take on the responsibilty. Do what you need to do to protect the child. Do you think bio dad will sign over parental rights if offered?
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#16 of 40 Old 07-30-2009, 01:12 AM
 
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I have to agree. Let's be real - you chose this guy. I suspect his history didn't suddenly smack you in the face.

By marrying your partner and pretending he is this child's father, you are lying to your child from the get-go. You're telling him/her one of the biggest lies you could ever tell. You are also denying him/her the right to his/her medical history.

I think it's wrong. Completely, totally, and utterly wrong.
I think that a child growing up knowing that they were a result of a loveless fling with a drug addict who didn't want them would be much more painful. This girl would always feel "different" and wonder if the man raising her (OPs soon to be husband) really loves her or resents her.
I wouldn't necissarily lie to her, but I don't think that it is something that she needs to grow up knowing. When she is old enough, after growing up feeling loved and nurtured, they can BOTH tell her and give her the info she needs to meet her bio dad.
To leave the option of this guy coming to and wanting to have some on/off disfunctional relationship with this LO to me is wrong. Yes, OP had the affair, OP probably knew a lot about the guy when doing so, did she intentionally get pregnant? I'm guessing no. What we have to focus on is that she is now trying to create the best enviroment for this baby.
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#17 of 40 Old 07-30-2009, 01:24 AM
 
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I have to agree. Let's be real - you chose this guy. I suspect his history didn't suddenly smack you in the face.

By marrying your partner and pretending he is this child's father, you are lying to your child from the get-go. You're telling him/her one of the biggest lies you could ever tell. You are also denying him/her the right to his/her medical history.

I think it's wrong. Completely, totally, and utterly wrong.
I hope she comes back and answers but she said in her first post she wouldn't lie to the child
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I would never lie to her and keep who she is away from her. I would always be open to her knowing him.. or who he is, or whatever.
I also know her and know she knows the importance of knowing who you are and where you came from. However, I also understand her feelings of wanting to protect her family and making sure her partner knows his place in this childs life. Allowing him some rights when he will be the one to have all the responsiblity. At the same time, this would give the bio father the ability to know his child in the future without the financial responsiblity. This would actually work negativly in that they couldn't go after him for child support.

Anyway, I think she needs to do it, but more for the WHOLE family, not just this little girl to be.
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#18 of 40 Old 07-30-2009, 01:28 AM
 
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do what's right for yourself. you've been together 15 years and have four kids together. if you have patched things up as well as it sounds like, and he's forgiven you enough to want to be father to the upcoming child, then he does sound like "husband" material.

personally i'd be scared to death of any child of mine having *anything* to do with someone who deals in crystal meth! yikes!!

i don't have any personal experience with meth at all, but from what i've heard it's a bad, bad drug. from what i've heard, it's entirely possible that a guy using crystal meth isn't going to be around in any form 10 years from now.

i'd try not to overthink this at this point. if you want to get married, go to city hall and get married. next, have your baby. don't go out of your way to seek out this guy. if he comes to you, take it as it comes, deal with it on a case by case basis. but honestly i'd be terrified of letting my child out of my site with a guy like that, and any "clients" he has coming over to get meth.

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#19 of 40 Old 07-30-2009, 04:59 AM
 
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But until the bio-dad legally gives up rights, it's not fair for you to make it harder for him to be a father.
She has already stated that she believes the bio dad would NOT give up his parental rights, but she has an out in that her state law will assume paternity if she is married when she gives birth. Bio dad is a METH USER AND DEALER!!! Damn right she should make it harder for him to "parent". : We aren't talking about the guy next door who she fell out of love with; he belongs IN JAIL. He isn't parent material. If he cleans up, and stays that way for a good long period of time, let him meet/have a relationship with his dd then. Now - no way in hell.

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And IF the bio-dad voluntarily stays away from his daughter, that's one thing - but could you really sleep at night knowing you were TRYING to keep them apart? How could you ever explain that to your daughter? "Your dad doesn't visit because i tried to make it hard for him."
I would sleep like a baby - 'cause keeping my kids safe is my number one priority. How do you explain it? When they are little, "your first dad made some bad choices that made it unsafe for you to see him. We hope he gets help and gets better." When they are older, you can give more information.

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And yeah, drug-dealing is icky, but drug-dealers ARE allowed to parent, sorry.
Well, last I checked drug dealing was illegal - so in theory he should be in jail. Where it is a bit hard to do that day to day parenting that is required. Meth is not pot. This guy is ruining his own life, and ACTIVELY ruining other people's lives. Putting a vulnerable and defenseless newborn in the middle of that is CRIMINAL.

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By marrying your partner and pretending he is this child's father, you are lying to your child from the get-go. You're telling him/her one of the biggest lies you could ever tell. You are also denying him/her the right to his/her medical history.
I disagree on all counts. She isn't going to pretend to the child - from what I understand. She is going to PROTECT the child from immersion into a METH USER/DEALER'S life. Sounds like a legal move that is smart IMO. I don't believe she plans to lie to the child. IF I thought that no one else knew, I might try it - but if ANYONE else knows then you have to be honest from the get go or it will bite you later.

Medical history - well, if she knows any from hanging out with him then she can write that down for later. But the very real risks of having the bio dad in baby's life are much more likely to cause problems than not having a complete medical history from one side.
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#20 of 40 Old 07-30-2009, 11:23 AM
 
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I wouldn't say that this is horrible.
I think that it is great for your baby to share a lastname and have a stable Dad in her life.

I have a bit of a different situation in the my bio father did give up parental rights and I was adopted by my Dad at a young age.
I still have had a relationship with my bio grandparents and I really appreciated that. Medical history and family history I was able to get from them.

I have been a bit pissed off that bio was not financially responsible for me but I wouldn't change it for having my Dad as mine no question and same last name.

I always knew that Dad wasn't bio but it never mattered because he was unquestionably my Dad and I was his daughter.

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#21 of 40 Old 07-30-2009, 11:33 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Here I am, back to answer some things.

First, I hoped to make it clear enough in the first post. I would NEVER deny her of her biological history. If she wants to meet him when she gets older, I am one hundred percent okay with that. I understand FULLY.. the primal bond that biology brings. I carried a baby.. and I gave him away. I learned first hand, that nothing ANYONE can do or say can take away the burning desire inside for your biology. It's why nature works SO well.

He can know her.. and see her, but I don't feel it's right to trust him to be the father she needs and deserves when he can't even take care of himself.

I never said I was going to pretend like my partner is her father. He would BE her father. When she gets old enough to understand, I will tell her the truth.. the whole truth. I would not even deny her biological fathers rights to see her, but he could not take her.. alone. It's risky and unsafe.. and just plain cant happen.

Right now.. I am facing her feeling neglected and unloved and unwanted by this guy. He has chosen his priorities in life and they don't include a baby.. It's all cash and some drugs in his pocket. I already shared that he gave up custody of his current daughter back to her mothers care so he could jump both feet back into the meth world.

When I met him.. he was turning his life around. He was raising his daughter, he was working, he was living in a place and supporting himself. Sure, he had a couple bad habits at the time. Smoking cigarettes and the recreational beer here and then. I never, ever, ever in my wildest dreams expected or wanted to get pregnant by him. But when I did.. I took it as a blessing. Abortion was my only other option. Believe me, I considered it quite often, but how was that fair for her either?

I just want whats best for this little girl. I feel, in my heart, that its my responsibility to do whats best for my daughter. I feel like giving her security, stability and love.. is what she deserves.

-Tangy
Mama to Jon (14), Josh (12), Jack (5), Jamison (3), and Jocelyn (9 months)
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#22 of 40 Old 07-30-2009, 12:18 PM
 
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i just read your second post. just do it mama! you don't need anybody's permission.

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#23 of 40 Old 07-30-2009, 03:44 PM
 
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I agree with Seasons.
Several times I have seen threads where mothers, under the guise of "protecting" their children, urge others to make it harder for a father to see or know their child. Some even advocate outright lying.

I just don't see how these things are in any way acceptable. Kirsten, sure, the guy's supposedly a meth dealer and addict. Of course you won't just hand your baby over to him for even a few hours alone under those circumstances. But I believe it is wrong for one parent to unilaterally determine what the other parent's rights are.

OP- I hear what you're saying. i think you have to be honest with everyone in this situation and make sure your daughter knows who her biological father is. Make sure he knows she exists. Let your DP be her effective father. But never try to make things harder for biofather and don't ever hide the truth from your daughter. My two cents.
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#24 of 40 Old 07-30-2009, 09:22 PM
 
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Marry your partner and protect your child. I believe NC has the same kind of law.

I could maybe see a difference if the biological father and/or his family had expressed interest in the child, but they haven't. You have opened that door and kept it open, but he hasn't walked through. I have been both a stepmother and a single mother, and I've seen and experienced women (including me) and children going through so much pain and expense to make the NCP (in this situation, the dad) "part of the child's life" when the NCP doesn't make any real effort to be involved. (In fact, my xh's interest in DS1 seems to revolve around whatever his current girlfriend wants. )

And unless he's currently in trouble for the meth, it may not make a difference in court. You can shout from the rooftops about his drug habit, but unless he has a current arrest or conviction, it may not matter- and then your child would have visitation with him.

Allowing your husband to be her father does not mean she can't or won't know her biological father if and when he shows a real want and need to be involved. I don't think you're making it harder for him- in fact, you've made it easy so far and he's chosen to ignore her. If he's not willing to accept the responsibility of a child, than I don't think he has a right to demand to be her "Dad," ifkwim.

Mom, wife, full-time student.  And tired.  DH, DS#1 (9/99) and DS#2 (9/09), and 2 dogs.

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#25 of 40 Old 07-30-2009, 09:29 PM
 
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IF you & DP are committed to each other, and would not otherwise be opposed to marriage because of problems in the relationship, get hitched! Go down to city hall tomorrow mama!
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#26 of 40 Old 07-30-2009, 09:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks, mamas.

-Tangy
Mama to Jon (14), Josh (12), Jack (5), Jamison (3), and Jocelyn (9 months)
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#27 of 40 Old 07-30-2009, 10:00 PM
 
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I vote to get married!

You can have DP be DC's legal father and still acknowledge that he is not her bio father. I wouldn't lie about it to DC because that is just a bad idea all around.

If you had already been married to DP when you got pregnant he would be the legal father regardless. If BF (bio father) gets his act together and decides that he wanted to petition the court, he still can. You're not keeping anybody from anybody.

Rebecca, CPST, Navy wife to Chris, furmama to Fenway
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#28 of 40 Old 07-31-2009, 01:19 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Selesai View Post
I agree with Seasons.
Several times I have seen threads where mothers, under the guise of "protecting" their children, urge others to make it harder for a father to see or know their child. Some even advocate outright lying.

I just don't see how these things are in any way acceptable. Kirsten, sure, the guy's supposedly a meth dealer and addict. Of course you won't just hand your baby over to him for even a few hours alone under those circumstances. But I believe it is wrong for one parent to unilaterally determine what the other parent's rights are.

OP- I hear what you're saying. i think you have to be honest with everyone in this situation and make sure your daughter knows who her biological father is. Make sure he knows she exists. Let your DP be her effective father. But never try to make things harder for biofather and don't ever hide the truth from your daughter. My two cents.

wow. opinions like this make me think the person has never been personally screwed by the system, and it happens ALL the time.
Unfortunately, the courts don't always get it right. You say that "of course you wont hand your baby over to him" but you know what??? If she doesn't marry her partner, and lets this drug dealing winner have his parental rights, all it would take would be one paternity test, some wool pulled over a social workers eyes, or a bleeding heart judge who believes all kids need to know their father, worthless as they might be, and she might very well be LEGALLY OBLIGATED, under threat of police intervention/criminal charges, into doing EXACTLY that..handing over her kid to a meth-addict.......would YOU want to hand over your completely attached, breastfed 1 year old for an OVERNIGHT visit with said meth-head?? Cuz in my state, chances are, you'd be ordered to do exactly that.


OP - you are totally on track. Protect your kid. Marry dp, get him listed as the father. Make it REALLY HARD for the bio-dad to attempt to enter your life and screw with you on a whim. Because that's all it would take..a whim...or someone puts an idea in his head, and he could take you on an awful ride.....blackmail you for money in excange for not pursuing his rights (ive seen this happen a lot) or just plain decide he wants to make you suffer by taking your kid away from you, etc.

if he does truly clean up at some future point, it sounds like you would not be looking to prevent him from an appropriate relationship at that time.

CPST
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#29 of 40 Old 07-31-2009, 02:12 PM
 
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I'd do it. For all the reasons everyone else brought up. And for those people worried about "lying" to your child or the feelings of the crappy bio-dad.... They are wrong. Here's why:

My dad is a GREAT father. He's also not legally my dad because my mom got married to someone else after she and he split during her pregnancy. So for all intents and purposes, her new husband was my dad. For the next few years anyway. Until they divorced and he moved to another state. I continued to think he was my dad for years after that, but in that time my biological father showed up and started hanging around as "an old friend of my mom's" and I didn't even question it. What little girl questions why someone wants to spend time with her and spend money on her, right? And a couple years later my oldest sister spilled the beans that he was really my dad. And not too long after, my parents came clean. Which was funny since I couldn't act shocked so they knew I already knew. I didn't start finally calling him dad until I was 15 but I would never blame any of my parents for keeping it from me. It was the easiest thing to do at the time and it kept our lives as uncomplicated as possible. And my legal father (who is not a great guy) has still seen me a few times since then and never contested paternity to get out of the child support he owes my mom even though he knows I'm not his.... He's never told his family though. They all think that I'm his. Though none of them showed up to my wedding.... But I digress.

I'm saying get married if you and your DP love eachother and want to make your entire family legitimate.

Bri: mom to K: and M: at 27 weeks and 33 weeks :
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#30 of 40 Old 07-31-2009, 04:16 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Selesai View Post
I just don't see how these things are in any way acceptable. Kirsten, sure, the guy's supposedly a meth dealer and addict. Of course you won't just hand your baby over to him for even a few hours alone under those circumstances. But I believe it is wrong for one parent to unilaterally determine what the other parent's rights are.
One parent can't unilaterally determine what the other parent's rights are. The courts can get involved at any point, and they can override either parent...or both.

Quote:
OP- I hear what you're saying. i think you have to be honest with everyone in this situation and make sure your daughter knows who her biological father is. Make sure he knows she exists. Let your DP be her effective father. But never try to make things harder for biofather and don't ever hide the truth from your daughter. My two cents.
He knows she exists! She stated that he's not interested in her pregnancy and his mom didn't know about the baby until she got baby shower invitation. This isn't a mom trying to hide paternity from anyone. She's just trying to provide her new dd with some legal protection from a meth addict.

As for the stuff about making it harder for the bio-dad to parent. I don't even get this. My ex is a crack addict. I've never blocked his access to ds1 - only have a court ruling specifying that said access must be supervised by someone acceptable to me. And, in the 9 years since we split up, my ex has barely made any effort to see ds1. He hasn't even laid eyes on him in almost 3 years...and it was a year before that, and another year before that (Christmas Eve 2007, 2006 & 2005, and my ex-SIL's house, to be exact). There is nothing I could do that would affect his ability to "be a parent"...because he isn't one. Being a parent takes more than eating Christmas Eve dinner with someone once a year. The guy the OP was involved with seems to be operating on about the same level.

Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing ribbonpb.gif Aaron Ambrose ribboncesarean.gif (11/07) ribbonpb.gif

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