Originally Posted by Jenalexcase
Yes I have talked to my daughter's dad about this but he doesn't see the harm in it. He doesn't think that his girlfriend is doing anything wrong at all. I forgot to mention something eles. His girlfriend refers to me by my first name when talking to my daughter when they have her. She dosen't say things like "your mommy" to her.
I swear, I think your ex's girlfriend is my ex's wife. Or at least a very close relative.
My ex and I divorced when DS was 5 months old; he was remarried within 3 months to an 18-year old former student of his. From the beginning, she has hated me. I mean *hated* me. Things have only gotten worse since they have not been able to have children over the past 12 years.
When he would go to his dad's house, he would get spanked if he referred to me as "Mom." When I would call to talk to him, it was always, "[My First Name] is on the phone for you, honey!" not "Your mom is on the phone." If he didn't call her "mom" he would get put in time out. And the truly awful, horrible things she has said about me in front of him and too him over the years...*sigh* we won't even go there.
It was beyond hard on me - I tried talking to the ex about it, but he said, "I can't control what K. does." Legally, there was nothing I could do either, at least not in the state I was living in. I just had to suck it up and endure it.
It was about this time that I had a very wise older friend give me some advice very similar to this:
Originally Posted by Oriole
Kids will always have their loyalties with the parents. That's just how it works. The bond you share cannot be shaken up by someone insisting on a name that doesn't fit. If the girlfriend is truly the one pushing the "mommy" name, it WILL backfire sooner or later.
I took it to heart because he was a well-respected child psychologist and I figured he knew a bit more about this than I did. He reassured me that children are smart - if they aren't smart now, they get smart later. They will figure things out and draw their own conclusions about the situation. He suggested that instead of fighting against something I had no control over & could not change (my DS step-mother's behavior), that I accepted the "hardships as the pathway to peace" and taking things for what they are, and "not as I would have it."
The struggle is to find that state of grace as a mother to trust God/Life/The Universe enough that our children will eventually become wise, capable individuals who can see through the manipulation and see things for how they truly are. And let's be clear: the past 12 years have been a hardship and things definitely haven't been as I would have them BUT the pathway to peace has emerged as I have tried to let go of her behavior. I can't fix her. I can't change her. What I did have control over is how I behaved and how I responded to my DS's questions and concerns. As he has gotten older, he has independently come to the conclusion that "I think K. is so mean about you because she is so sad about not having babies of her own."
Having him come home from this last summer's visit and say, "Mom, I am so glad you are my mom and that you trust me and treat me like I can think for myself" was reward enough for the hardships of the past 12 years.
Much love in this difficult situation - I know it isn't easy as I still walk this path with you.