So, now that she is here, I need help. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 11 Old 09-06-2009, 05:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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The story behind her conception is ugly. It includes an affair and an oops after a temporary lapse of judgement. However, the beautiful, very loved little girl that resulted from these errors on my part, could not have fulfilled my life any better. She is the final piece to our lives puzzle. God, I love her.

I am still with my partner of fifteen years. He has forgiven me and we have since gotten married.

My daughters biological father denied her as his. I have not heard from him in months. I struggled with this for a long time. I could not understand why anyone would deny a teeny, precious baby.. But he did. His family was the same. They did not come to my shower, etc.

However. A week before her birth, his mom and sister contacted me, saying they wanted to know this little girl. We met up once before her birth and talked a little about her bio dad. I also brought the baby to see them a few days after her birth.

At this visit, I learned her bio dad is in jail for a warrant on car theft. He pled guilty and was. Sentenced to sixty days. He is due to get out around Halloween. His mom asked me to bring the baby to visit him in jail. Ugh.

Like I said, my partner and I have since been married and since we were married at the time of my daughters birth, he is legally her father. He is on her birth certificate and she carries his name. He is her daddy.

Now, I don't know what to do about her bio dad. Do I just continue to carry on like I have been? Pretend he does not exist? I feel like he is missing this newborn stage and that I should step in and help him see her. I don't know what's right and was hoping for some advice.. Or experience.

-Tangy
Mama to Jon (14), Josh (12), Jack (5), Jamison (3), and Jocelyn (9 months)
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#2 of 11 Old 09-06-2009, 07:18 PM
 
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I would not bring an infant to see a parent who is in jail. Your responsibility is to the baby, not to her father. Visiting a jail is not going to benefit your dd in any way. It would be more for the father and honestly, I can't think of a quality parent that thinks seeing an infant while in jail is a good idea.

When he gets out in a few months, he may actually step up and try to be involved. It will be a different situation at that point and the baby will still be young enough to accept another parental figure in her life without trouble. Some kind of arrangements with BD can be figured out at that point if he wants to be involved.

JMO, of course.
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#3 of 11 Old 09-06-2009, 10:09 PM
 
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I would send photos IF you want to - then allow him to ask you to bring her, or reach out when he gets out of jail for visitation. He needs to make the first steps - so far he's not said he's changed his mind, only his Mother/Sister are attempting to make him - it could turn out very badly!

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#4 of 11 Old 09-07-2009, 12:51 AM
 
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I feel like he is missing this newborn stage and that I should step in and help him see her.
Why are you taking on this responsibility? Your daughter comes first and she is a newborn, she'll never remember if she goes to jail to see him or not. Nor would I send pictures. In fact, I would feel no obligation at all to do anything that his mother asked me to do.

Frankly, it sounds like your daughter has a wonderful father. I'm unclear why you are so determined to bring this man back into your life. Let him take steps if he wants too.

And are you really ready to explain to your other children who this man is? Or for him to be in your lives?
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#5 of 11 Old 09-07-2009, 11:17 AM
 
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People can write from jail. He knew you were having "his" baby. But you say you haven't heard from him in months and he wasn't interested in claiming his daughter. That his mom and sis want you to take the baby to see him does not mean he's yearning for that.

His relatives have a clear reason for wanting you to visit him with the baby, in a place where he's literally a captive audience. Right now, mom and sis are relying on your good will, to let them see the baby. They know you could change your mind. But if they could get BioDad interested in claiming his parental rights, they would have more assurance of being involved in your daughter's life...and maybe if you take the baby to him - in circumstances where he can't ignore her - he'll fall in love.

And, honestly, aren't you still mired in your inability to accept that he's not interested? Isn't your consternation over whether you should take your baby to jail rooted in your own assumption that "if he just saw her", he wouldn't be able to stand not being part of her life?

I'm not trying to be mean. I know you're hormonal and you've been though a rough emotional ride. But your desire for him to see the error of his ways and get involved is really more about you than it is about your daughter. Think of adopted children. They love the people who are there to raise them and think of those people as their parents. You did the right thing. You kept your family together for the kids you already have. You gave your daughter a good, stable father who will actually take care of her. And you stuck with the man in your life that you can actually rely on to be a partner to you. Go with that choice and quit chasing after the guy who doesn't care - even if you're only chasing after him in your mind, trying to figure out what he's thinking and what he might want, or what might influence him.

If his mom and sister want to be involved, let them - as long as they never try to undermine your husband's relationship with your daughter, by telling her he's not "really" her Daddy - this guy in jail, who deals drugs and hasn't shown any interest in her is the more important Daddy - bull! If this guy comes to his senses some day and makes the effort to approach you about wanting to see his daughter, deal with that then. For now, let her have the Daddy who wants her and stop the distractions.

Best of luck, Mama.

One woman in a house full of men:  my soul mate:    or... twin sons:(HS seniors) ... step-son:  (a sophomore) ... our little man:   (a first grader) ... and there is another female in the house, after all:  our
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#6 of 11 Old 09-07-2009, 11:57 AM
 
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Jeannine is wise. You did the right thing and chose the right man to help you raise your daughter. You are very lucky that the dad you want is the dad you've legally "got" - married at the time of birth, listed on the birth certificate, etc. Count your lucky stars and make no contact with the biodad.

You might even want to consult a lawyer to see how can you best deal with him if he ever shows up on your doorstep wanting visitation - he's probably entitled if you've acknowledged his paternity, but you sure don't want some nightmare scenario where no child support is awarded and he still has the right (express or implied) to come around and screw with your lives. Figure out how it can be made plain to all concerned that visitation will only be given in the context of a formal agreement that includes child support. That will probably scare him off right quick.

I'm sorry that you went through all this - but you don't have to keep going through it. He's off the hook financially right now, and I think you can count on him wanting to stay that way.
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#7 of 11 Old 09-07-2009, 01:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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You ladies are right. I think I just needed some reassurance.

I just hope that the path I choose is the path she would want for us.

I know he doesn't want this beautiful thing in his life, just more of her for me and her daddy in our house.

Thanks, ladies.

-Tangy
Mama to Jon (14), Josh (12), Jack (5), Jamison (3), and Jocelyn (9 months)
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#8 of 11 Old 09-07-2009, 01:41 PM
 
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If he wants her, he will come and see her. She needs to know of him, but she doesn't have to be involved with him, not now, and if he doesn't change, maybe not ever.
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#9 of 11 Old 09-10-2009, 05:16 PM
 
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He had plenty of months when he wasn't in jail to acknowledge his soon to be born child. He didn't care, and frankly, probably doesn't care now. I wouldn't bring my beautiful newborn to some scuzzy nasty jail to see some guy who doesn't care about her. He is a sperm donor, not a daddy. Your married to her daddy.
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#10 of 11 Old 09-10-2009, 08:03 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mamakah View Post
He had plenty of months when he wasn't in jail to acknowledge his soon to be born child. He didn't care, and frankly, probably doesn't care now. I wouldn't bring my beautiful newborn to some scuzzy nasty jail to see some guy who doesn't care about her. He is a sperm donor, not a daddy. Your married to her daddy.

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#11 of 11 Old 09-22-2009, 06:02 PM
 
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No. It is not your responsibility to hold his hand and make sure he sees her. He denied her. She has a father (your husband).

I would not be taking a baby to see him in jail. I would just go on. I'm sure this is an unpopular opinion, but it's without a doubt, what I would do.

Samantha, Student, wife to my best friend (1.30.09) Mama to three beautiful daughters and and a handsome little son
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