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Step-Child complains about Bio-mom?

1K views 3 replies 2 participants last post by  Oriole 
#1 ·
Hi, new here, so afraid I don't know all the abbreviations yet, but wanted some advice.

I've been with F for, um, going on 3 years, and we're getting married. He told me when we met that he's got two kids who live with there mom an hour away. Ok, flash forward, I move in, things get a bit rough between myself and the oldest (boy, "S" now 12), but things are looking up.

It's the little things. He's stopped swearing. (That took AGES!) She (girl, "D" now 10) actually referred to me as step-mom yesterday. They enjoy quesadillas (a food I introduced). I've calmed down a lot, I've learned to pick my battles, and things are generally okay. (Except when the boy acts up -- then I feel like Homer Simpson: "the boy!!! the boy!!!")

I've always thought the ex (M) was mad. I mean, she left D, so how sane could she be? But hey, I'm obviously not holding that against her. She has over reacted at me over little things, like accusing me of cutting D's hair and screaming at me over the phone about it. (I stopped combing her hair for three months after that with the explanation, I don't want your mom to yell at me.) But it's one thing to be crazy to me, the woman solidifying F's independence, but I can't even imagine what that house is like.

I consider it a good sign, though that the kids are finally starting to see that we *can* offer stability, consistency, love and respect. They've commented that they like eating around the table with us. But mostly it's the little comments.

"Yeah, Mom changes her mind a lot at the house." (after she changed the location of where to drop them off and we spent 30 minutes looking for it)

"Sometimes Mom makes jokes that hurt my feelings beacuse she has an strange sense of humor." (said in the ktichen)

She once threatened to take S's x-box to a charity shop in a fight! But then, last year when I asked S how M disciplines him, he sort of laughed and said she doesn't. But they always complain that this or that has been given away or is missing. (We encourage them to leave things at our house in their cupboard.)

So, overall, I'm quite positive, but I don't know what to do about these comments about their mother! I know her behaviour effects them cause the boy acts up everytime the boyfriend moves in, and then the girl goes silent everytime the boyfriend moves out (this happens about 4-6 times a year). Obviously I can't speak to her about it, and I can't very well say "your mom is a little crazy" to the kids, but I'm at a loss of what to say/do. I figure all I can do is provide emotional support and a safe place from what could very well be a bad situation. Any ideas?
 
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#2 ·
I think you need a different perspective, and I am saying this as a stepmom to a teenage girl who now lives here full time.


None of the things you say about their mom are outrageous, except for the boyfriend bit (4-6 moving in a year?..), but that's not the point of your post. I'm SURE there are many loving moms who have made remarks that hurt their kids' feelings, or threatened to give away XBOX (heck, you are on MDC, and that means there is a forum for no TV households, and advice is offered on how to fade electronics from your child's life). You said yourself your stepson had a troublesome temper, now throw in a game system, and I can very easily envision why his mom woudl threaten it (whether I agree with threats is another thing, but I will not judge a parent over something like this, as I can very easily see a mom being frustrated and at her wits).

On to other comments: in nine years I have never cut DSD's hair. Things changed as she grew up, and now she cuts her own hair.
I might agree that yelling over the phone is not the best reaction, but just as stepmoms deal with their troubles, moms deal witih insecurities of being replaced, and while I cannot excuse the yelling, I can understand that sadness of a mother to know that someone else made a decision that you've always considered your own.

As far as changing the mind all the time - I've known to change my mind as well, and as far as looking for a place for 30 mins, well... at least she drove your kids some place, in our case we did 100% of the driving when dsd came here for the weekends only. Are you seeing the silver lining yet?


You know the saying "if they do it WITH you, they do it TO you"? Well, that's exactly how it works in blended families. DSD will complain to us about her mom one day, and then she will complain to her mom about us. Rest assured, your kids are doing exactly the same, and they find "crazy" things about you to tell their mom.

As far as what should be done when they say those things? I learned to either:
#1. listen quietly until DSD changes the topic
#2. listen quietly and raise an eyebrow (as in "are you sure it's as bad you are trying to make it sound?")
#3. If it's something you truly think hurt them, I would reflect on their feelings and try to cheer them up "you sound very upset over it", but always keep the conversation on THEM vs. their mom.

What I think is not a healthy way to respond?
* "I don't want to do it, because I don't want your mom to yell at me." It might very well be the reason, but does an 8 oro 12 year old need to hear that? Wouldn't it be better to say "I think your mom likes choosing your haircuts, why don't we leave it up to her".

You really do catch more flies with honey.


P.S. I've also learn to be really careful when DSD starts comparing us to her mom in "well, you do this for me, and my mom would never..." kind of way. Usually it's a half-truth, and I have a very distinct feeling that if I fed into it and agreed "why, yes, yes, I'm so wonderful, and your mom never does this!" - I bet dsd wouldn't like it, as strange as it sounds...
 
#3 ·
Well fair enough. I know that they *do* tell their mom strange stories about us/me, that quite often result in irate emails, phone calls or text messages. I also know that some of them were blatant flase accusations, like the hair-cutting accusation. (Is that typical, that children exaggerate/lie to bio-mom about step-mom?) And I also know D has a horrible way of saying exactly what the other person wants to hear (not that S has any problems expressing his opinions).

But part of my concern is that this is new, saying the odd comment about their mother. I'm not really sure what to make of it. We hear so little about what goes on in their house, that it's impossible to know the state of things. They've only started saying these things in the last few months, so I don't know if it's because of a change at home or in our relationship.

So should I take this as a good sign? Do I ignore it? Should I be worried?

Edit: oh, and I'm afraid I wasn't clear above: we *always* drive to get the kids. Unless they take the train (free cause F's a train driver), which doesn't always work with lots of stuff. She hasn't come over to our house once in the time I've been there (and from what he says, before either).
 
#4 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by SkippySue View Post

So should I take this as a good sign? Do I ignore it? Should I be worried?

I think this means the kids like you enough to complain about their mom to you. So in a way, it's a good sign. But like I said, I'm sure it goes both ways.


What does your husband make of it?
 
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