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#1 of 25 Old 10-16-2009, 10:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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A topic that came up in my other thread, and I am really curious...

In your blended families... do you currently still make sure to take pics of just the bio parents at events for your children? Are the stepparents ever included in these photos? Do you do two separate family pics? As in Mom's new family, Dad's new family?

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#2 of 25 Old 10-16-2009, 10:41 AM
 
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I already said this in the other thread, but we basically do it all. Me, dd's dad and dd; me, partner and dd; me and dd; dad and dd; etc. We even have pics of dd's dad and my partners' and my's baby.
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#3 of 25 Old 10-16-2009, 10:45 AM
 
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Sorry, I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing at the thought of this actually happening with my family. The kids' mom will hardly acknowledge our presence at events much less stand in a pic with DH and the kids and let me take her pic! We've asked her in the past to send over pics of her and her DH as well as the babies that she has since had with her DH so we could hang them up in the kids' rooms. We didn't even get a response. So, no, we don't do photos of DH with her and the kids. We do have older pics of her in the photo albums we made for the kids to look at. They are a hodge-podge of old and new photos and the kids love looking at them.

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#4 of 25 Old 10-16-2009, 12:03 PM
 
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Are the stepparents ever included in these photos? Do you do two separate family pics? As in Mom's new family, Dad's new family?
I believe it would have been household 1 in some pics and household 2 in other pics. Not combining the two, but the joint kid in both pics. My parents really had very little to do with each other after they got divorced.

About the only drama I recall happening with pictures was when my stepmom had a "family portrait" done that was stepmom, dad, their two kids (my stepbrothers). My sister was still living with them half the time, and was not included.

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#5 of 25 Old 10-16-2009, 12:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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...

About the only drama I recall happening with pictures was when my stepmom had a "family portrait" done that was stepmom, dad, their two kids (my stepbrothers). My sister was still living with them half the time, and was not included.
OUCH! That is awful! I am so sorry for your sister!

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#6 of 25 Old 10-16-2009, 12:23 PM
 
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No, they never take pictures with dsd's mom and dad (my dp) and her as a threesome. Somtimes we will trade off and take pictures of her with ehr mom/stepdad, and her mom will take a family pic for us, but they have never tried to (or wanted to) take a picture of them as family. I could see maybe in the future if everyone was getting along, taking a big family picture with mom, stepdad, siblings on that side, me, dp, and our kids with dsd, but I'm not sure I see the point of preteniding that dsd and her mom and dad are an "intact" family unless dsd was particularly asking for such a picture.

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#7 of 25 Old 10-16-2009, 02:08 PM
 
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I do have pictures like this of my parents after the divorce and it was very helpful to me to know that we were still a family (in a sense) and that my brother and I were both loved. The pictures stopped after my current stepmother came in to the picture and I think that's a shame.
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#8 of 25 Old 10-16-2009, 02:39 PM
 
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I think it is fine for my kids to see old pics of us together--it does make them sad to see them though. I'm not so organized that they are in scrap books.

I don't get new ones taken of us as I personally need to have a boundary there. We are not a traditional family unit and I won't pretend that we are. It's a priviledge that my ex lost.

My kids would love it (but would get false hopes) and ex would be fine with it. Not my thing.
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#9 of 25 Old 10-16-2009, 02:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I think it is fine for my kids to see old pics of us together--it does make them sad to see them though. I'm not so organized that they are in scrap books.

I don't get new ones taken of us as I personally need to have a boundary there. We are not a traditional family unit and I won't pretend that we are. It's a priviledge that my ex lost.

My kids would love it (but would get false hopes) and ex would be fine with it. Not my thing.

Thanks for sharing! That is sort of my take on it, honestly.

Why promote the "fantasy" of a traditional family when it is not that way any longer?

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#10 of 25 Old 10-16-2009, 03:08 PM
 
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I don't really think that kids (or adult children) taking pics with both of their bio parents really promotes a "fantasy". It's just that kid with their two bio parents. To me, it doesn't make so much of a comment on the status of the parents relationship to each other, but more on their ability to come together with their kid. I think if it can happen, it is nice. I know the reality is that it is too uncomfortable for some, though. I love my step-mom, and she has been in my life since I was 5, but it would have been nice to have a photo of me with just my two parents that isn't before the age of 4 or my wedding day. It never happened in our family until I got married. The photographer took photos in all sorts of combinations including our original nuclear family unit - me, my brother, my mom and my dad. It was a nice try, but the body language of both of my parents in the photo is pretty funny - both with strained smiles, both leaning out from the group. It's funny, it really does capture their feelings about being in close proximity, but I am glad I have it. I appreciate that they were able to come together at that moment for something so important to me. I hadn't thought about it until now, but I also really appreciate that my step-mom was able to stand back and give everyone the space to do that (and she was in many, many photos, too).
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#11 of 25 Old 10-16-2009, 03:16 PM
 
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I don't really think that kids (or adult children) taking pics with both of their bio parents really promotes a "fantasy". It's just that kid with their two bio parents. To me, it doesn't make so much of a comment on the status of the parents relationship to each other, but more on their ability to come together with their kid.
I think that varies. My kids would start fantasizing. Three years later they still have thoughts of us being together. We totally work together and are quite good co-parents.

I would make an exception for an important event in the future like a graduation. But everyday life, no. Boundaries. They are my friend.
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#12 of 25 Old 10-16-2009, 05:07 PM
 
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Not every ex turns up at events for the children I'd kind of like to have the opportunity to have an opinion.

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#13 of 25 Old 10-16-2009, 05:34 PM
 
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we do two separate family pics
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#14 of 25 Old 10-16-2009, 06:06 PM
 
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My SD has a picture, from a portrait studio, of herself and her biological parents from her third birthday. (It's in her room.)

I was still "the girlfriend" then--not living together, not sure where things were going--so I certainly didn't expect to be in a formal portrait, and I actually kind of understand why my partner and his ex had the picture taken. They were/are still a family, even though they're not a family TOGETHER. (In spite of some of the things that drive me and my partner nuts about Mom, they are pretty good about working together for/with their child.)

I'd be less comfortable with a formal trip to a studio for that purpose now, but I don't mind the occasional snapshot of SD with her natural parents. There are still a few occasions when they're at the same event (where pictures would be taken) at the same time (mutual friend's wedding, for instance). I don't think any of them go out of their way to assemble a picture, but an impromptu pic is no big deal.

Lord knows there are plenty of pictures of SD and me, plus a few of the three of us (my partner is usually the photographer, so those family portraits are few and far between). I think I might feel differently if I was being excluded from all the pictures.

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#15 of 25 Old 10-16-2009, 08:13 PM
 
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Yes, I think it's unfair for you to be excluded from all the pictures. I'd be for saying "and how about one with all of us" - maybe invite the mom's partner into it too. Then you're not in the position of trying to replace or nix the pictures but you aren't being shut out either.
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#16 of 25 Old 10-17-2009, 12:56 AM
 
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I have two distinct thoughts on this-

1) In our family, we don't do a ton of posed pictures at events. The posed pictures are usually of the kid(s) - no parents involved. We mostly do candids. I have to honest, I just cannot see DSD's mom insisting on a pic with DSD, DH, and herself. Not a priority for her. But, she and DH were never married, they split up when DSD was 1, hardly any pics even exist of the three of them together.

2) For a long time, I waas the family photographer, so ther were few shots of me with anyone. Now, DH and I share the role. A few years ago, when there were hardly any pics of DH and I with any child, I might be a little weirded out if DSD's mom wanted picture after picture of DSD, DH and herself. But, it never was an issue.

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#17 of 25 Old 10-17-2009, 10:16 PM
 
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We don't take DSD, her dad + her mom pictures, but it's not because we avoid it, rather because it never came up. Only once did her mom join the official birthday party for DSD, and she very rarely attended school events. On Christmas, we bring the gifts over to DSD's mom's house, but we don't stay, and don't take pictures over there.

I would definitely do it, if DSD asked (I'm the one holding the camera most of the time), but I wouldn't be the one throwing that idea out there.

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#18 of 25 Old 10-18-2009, 02:13 AM
 
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We just take pics of whatever at events. There is usually something of everything without a lot of thought. DSD with DH and ex, DSD with me and DH, DSD with our girls, DSD and our girls and us, DSD with her mom, step-dad, and step-brothers. It is NEVER DSD, the ex, and me or DSD, DH, and step-dad, though. I should add that really get along only superficially at events. Behind the scenes is not pretty.

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#19 of 25 Old 10-20-2009, 04:12 PM
 
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My wedding pictures include a picture of me, my brother, and my dad, and another picture of me, my brother, and my mom. I have them in the album side by side.

And, that's as close as my parents will come to being in the same picture. LOL. Even now, 15 years later.

And, if I'm honest with myself, it makes it a little easier to know that they actively avoid each other. Cause there is that part of me that wishes that they would both come to their senses, ditch their spouses (that they are happy with), and finally get back together.

The lack of any pretending of a happy family-ness helps me realize that my plan for their happily ever after is a pretty silly plan.
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#20 of 25 Old 10-21-2009, 05:10 PM
 
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Well my parents are still married but DP's parents are divorced and haven't seen eachother in over 20 years so no, no "family" pictures for them. My step kids dont get them either but thats because bio mom is so flaky and doesnt show up. Although im not sure DP would have any of it if she did. in our house its strictly our family pictures since bio mom barely manages a visit once a month it seems as though shes really taken the place of an aunt or something.

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#21 of 25 Old 10-21-2009, 05:27 PM
 
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No, and it's been a HUGE point of contention with SS's mom. We had a portrait taken on our wedding day - me, DH, my DD and DS and SS. SS's mom was furious we hadn't included her. Bizarre, right? But it's come up again and again over the years. She has variously requested DH to come for a portrait sitting with her and SS, for us all (including her new DH) to go for a portrait, etc. Don't even ask me why she wants portraits in her home that include me; we are polite to each other but there's no love lost there.

At events and functions, SS's mom always requests a photo of the three of them. DH always refuses. She accuses him of not caring about SS's needs. He stonewalls, because there's no way to talk himself out of this argument. I distract SS during this; SS's stepdad and I engage in extremely awkward conversation and pray for all of it to end.

But hey, this is the woman who accused us of trying to change SS's last name to my ex-husband's last name, so the jealously and insecurity run very deep. If the relationships were different, the occasional photo of DH, SS, and SS's mom probably wouldn't matter to me in the least.

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#22 of 25 Old 10-22-2009, 03:46 PM
 
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A topic that came up in my other thread, and I am really curious...

In your blended families... do you currently still make sure to take pics of just the bio parents at events for your children? Are the stepparents ever included in these photos? Do you do two separate family pics? As in Mom's new family, Dad's new family?
We would never take a picture of the former family. Seems disingenuous. Our model is that the kids have two families, so we take lots of pix with the kids and us (candids and studio photos), and we're sure their mom takes pictures with them as well. We're cordial, but we don't mingle at events and we don't pretend to be one big family. It feels enough like a plural wife situation as it is -- a picture of us all might be too much! lol.

When I go to a photo studio with one of my exes and have photos taken of what might have been, then my husband will be welcome to do the same. But I don't and he doesn't either.

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#23 of 25 Old 10-22-2009, 04:24 PM
 
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So, I was going to post some diatribe about how uncomfortable/unhealthy it would be for everyone in our families to pretend that pictures of the kids with their divorced, biological parents is somehow natural and normal.

Personally, my stomach does flip-flops at the the mere thought of DH, DSS, DSD and the ex-wife taking one big happy family picture together at this point in our lives. Blech.

But then I remembered: At my wedding, I insisted on taking a picture of me and my parents, just the three of us. My Mom and Dad have been divorced for 7 years and my dad is remarried to the loveliest woman you could ever meet. It seems I might owe my own darling step-mother an apology. I'm sure it hurt her feelings to see me insist on having a picture me, her husband, and her husband's ex-wife.

It's funny how things look when the shoe is on the other foot.

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#24 of 25 Old 10-22-2009, 09:00 PM
 
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we have bio parents pictures / blended family pictures / and then everyone together pictures. Normally ALL kids are included in each photo only the parents change places.

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#25 of 25 Old 10-22-2009, 10:18 PM
 
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So, I was going to post some diatribe about how uncomfortable/unhealthy it would be for everyone in our families to pretend that pictures of the kids with their divorced, biological parents is somehow natural and normal.

Personally, my stomach does flip-flops at the the mere thought of DH, DSS, DSD and the ex-wife taking one big happy family picture together at this point in our lives. Blech.

But then I remembered: At my wedding, I insisted on taking a picture of me and my parents, just the three of us. My Mom and Dad have been divorced for 7 years and my dad is remarried to the loveliest woman you could ever meet. It seems I might owe my own darling step-mother an apology. I'm sure it hurt her feelings to see me insist on having a picture me, her husband, and her husband's ex-wife.

It's funny how things look when the shoe is on the other foot.
See, I could understand these kinds of pictures at graduation, wedding, your kids baptism, that sort of major event. But a Kindergarten school event? Nah. Especially if the person who wants the picture is one of the parents, not the kid. While your stepmom might appreciate your thinknig of her, I bet she understands where you were coming from.

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