Really? You really want us to call at 3 a.m. if your kid misses you? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 39 Old 11-09-2009, 01:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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But at the time, it didn't even seem my SD *was* crying for mom or truly asking to call her. She was crying a whole bunch of stuff, one of which was for mom. Let's face it: "Nobody in the world is real/my fish are trying to get me/I can't live anywhere because Mom's house will catch fire and this house is too old" is hardly coherent. To us, at the time, it seemed she was laundry listing.

I guess we misjudged, but yeah, a peep for "mommy" in the middle of the night is going to get Mom a phone call, and I guess we'll deal with the fallout of her flipping out more if Mom doesn't answer. (I guess we saw this kind of like some MDC moms do nightweaning--being comforted by a loving father, even if the child would prefer to nurse with Mom, is OK. If it escalates beyond a certain point, then yes, Mom should intervene, but if the child can settle with Dad, let her. Which is what happened.)

She went through a long phase of screaming for "mommy" when things didn't go her way (and she did the same for "daddy" at Mom's house--and, as toddlers/preschoolers do, "not her way" could be something as simple as finding out the red socks were in the washer and no, we were not going to fish them out and somehow dry them in the next 10 seconds). No, we didn't call mommy every time--we'd have been on the phone a dozen times a day, and Mom very quickly (and rightly) would have assumed that Dad couldn't handle tantrums.

Usually, SD's mom doesn't want to be bothered about anything (and see: no phone call to us for an ER visit!), unless we don't tell her, in which case, she wants to be informed about everything. Recent battles: (1) No, don't call to find out the dosing requirements of the medication; I told you them already and you're her DAD, you should KNOW THESE THINGS (even though I am fully aware you have medically documented short-term memory loss). (2) But YES you should have called me at work to find out whether I wanted SD, who is 7 and has her own tastes or opinions, to have pink or purple snow boots this year.

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#32 of 39 Old 11-09-2009, 04:00 PM
 
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I guess I disagree with most here. If my sons wanted to call me at 3 am when they were with their dad, and he let them, I would be highly irritated. Not because I don't love my kids and I don't want to be there for them, but because it is my ex's job to deal with what comes up when he has them. Yes my kids will miss me, and I miss them dearly, but frankly, their father is just as capable of dealing with them. Of course, it might be a little different if it were a really young child, but even there, I would hope my ex would have done the same thing "you can call your mom in the morning".

I also see my step son doing stuff like this all the time. He could care less about calling his mother for weeks and weeks, but the moment he is in trouble, or isn't getting what he wants, he is crying to call her and wants to talk to her and see her. It is a total manipulation thing and we don't let that happen. My DH and I always remind him he has to finish out his punishment FIRST then he can call her. Or if it is in the middle of the night, he has to sleep first, stop throwing his fit, then if he still wants to talk to her in the AM he can.

So I guess I would have totally done the same thing as the OP and would have wanted the same thing done if it were my boys wanting to call me at 3 am.
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#33 of 39 Old 11-10-2009, 11:41 AM
 
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I'm sorry, I'm still stuck on:
"Proto, do you like Froot Loops?" "No, I don't like things that sweet in the morning." "Well, my MOMMY gives me Froot Loops and I'm going to tell her you think she feeds me bad food."

Oh my. I would be afraid to open my mouth in front of this child! She's a tough one to be around. I must be out of shape when it comes to this stuff. FWIW, I think you guys handled it the right way. The phone call could have led to getting that car seat out and it could have turned into a real interesting night/morning. Also, if you think the ex isn't too accepting of your marriage, wait until the (maybe) new baby comes along. Good luck on all counts!
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#34 of 39 Old 11-10-2009, 12:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by HappiMomof4 View Post
I'm sorry, I'm still stuck on:
"Proto, do you like Froot Loops?" "No, I don't like things that sweet in the morning." "Well, my MOMMY gives me Froot Loops and I'm going to tell her you think she feeds me bad food."

Oh my. I would be afraid to open my mouth in front of this child! She's a tough one to be around. I must be out of shape when it comes to this stuff. FWIW, I think you guys handled it the right way. The phone call could have led to getting that car seat out and it could have turned into a real interesting night/morning. Also, if you think the ex isn't too accepting of your marriage, wait until the (maybe) new baby comes along. Good luck on all counts!
Heh. This one, I don't actually worry about too much. It's annoying and needs to be dealt with, but it happens on both sides, and after the first few back-and-forth exchanges ("what do you MEAN you didn't feed her dinner but you did feed her ice cream and then she puked it all up and you didn't tell me?" "um, she had a grilled cheese, tomato soup with orzo, and three green beans, and there was no vomiting. Or ice cream."), everybody realized she was doing it on purpose.

What's interesting is that my husband's ex actually likes me personally--or, at least, has acknowledged to me that she trusts me with her daughter and is glad I'm around to provide stability. But, yeah, milestones can be tough--heck, I was a bit weirded out when my ex got married, even though by that point I had happily repartnered and our respective stepkids played together. I know that a new baby won't be pleasant for her--she really wanted more children, but she's almost 40, very single, and, from what I understand, in no position financially/emotionally to have or adopt a child by herself. So she's grieving that, and if I have a baby with her ex, it'll rub salt in the wound.

I'm obviously not going to refrain from trying for a baby to spare her feelings, but as with the wedding, I'll try to be respectful of her feelings and not rub it in. I stayed largely out of the way these last few months, and my husband's wedding-related communications with his ex were simply informational: "I wanted you to hear it from me before you heard it from SD or mutual friends; we're getting married." "If you're OK with it, I'd like to pick up SD a bit early that Friday so she can see her grandparents when they come in." I suspect it'll be the same if/when I get pregnant...

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#35 of 39 Old 11-13-2009, 11:03 PM
 
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to me, I would want to investigate why she thinks you and daddy are fake and everything else except her and mommy and the dog are fake.

That is going a bit over board and extreme for what appears to be a young child.
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#36 of 39 Old 11-18-2009, 02:00 PM
 
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Originally Posted by SunshineJ View Post
I'd let her call. For one thing if the custodial agreement specifically states unlimited phone access then she could take you to court for contempt on that one. But also to this day I know that if I wake up at 3 am from a bad dream and feel compelled to call my mom, she will welcome that call - and I turned 40 this year!
awww. I love this.


I think I would take the original situation on a case-by-case basis. If you can tell the kiddo is half-asleep and a suggestion to call in the morning will pacify her, then why risk hysteria from calling Mom (this is what always happened with my DD). On the other hand, as the Mom being potentially called, I hate the idea of the kiddo being told no if she REALLY needs to hear my voice and/or if I can help her feel better. Bottom line: I'm unconditionally available 24/7 to my daughter, but I do trust my ex's judgment as far as what will result in the least upset to DD.

: mom to one 12-year-old waterborn ball of fire :
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#37 of 39 Old 11-18-2009, 06:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by SilverWillow View Post
Bottom line: I'm unconditionally available 24/7 to my daughter, but I do trust my ex's judgment as far as what will result in the least upset to DD.
Sigh. I wish this is what we/my husband had.

His ex doesn't trust his judgment about anything, it seems (she's actually told me she trusts me more than she does him)...and for no good reason I can tell, other than the not-being-able-to-see-it-with-her-own-eyes thing (which I do understand can be a very powerful thing)--their parenting differences are just parenting differences, and nothing that materially affects safety or health or anything.

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#38 of 39 Old 11-24-2009, 01:47 PM
 
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My mom totally enabled me and I was quite a difficult SD to have. Then I grew up and had no idea how to handle a situation without manipulation or lying. I always used all four (my parents and their spouses) against eachother. Now I am married with a dd of my own, and my husband is wonderful to his dsd (my dd) but I recognize that I put all of my parents, through .

So, this little thing dsd has with telling mom when things don't go her way needs to be addressed w/ her mom as well and everyone should sit down with your dsd now (plenty old enough at 7 yrs) and talk about how this type of behavior will not get her what she wants. But then the lines of communication needs to be open between your DH's X and the both of you so that she does not continue. Trust me, I suffered greatly as a result of being allowed to manipulate.

Good luck!

SAHM-25 with DH-35 we have DD-3 and missing DC: 3/08 and DS: 9/08 but : EDD: Jan/2010
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#39 of 39 Old 11-26-2009, 03:52 AM
 
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I would want my child to call me at whatever time s/he wants no matter what time it is. It is my job and responsibility to be available to my child no matter what whether s/he is home with me, at grandma's, or at a sleep over, etc.

Lilly, mum to one handsome boyand to one of God's angels in heaven
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