I *really* hate my future step mom..to the point I'm not talking to my Dad(LONG) - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 13 Old 11-05-2009, 03:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ok, so my dad and I have NEVER had a great relationship...rocky at best BUT I had ds and everything got calmer, nicer and WAY better! About 3 months after ds was born my dad met a girl on-line, she lived about 45 min away and they started dating.

At first everything was cool, they'd see each other, but we(as in me, ds, dh, AND extended family including my Grandmother) would still see him.

He started coming around less and less, and bringing her around more and more...here's the thing NO ONE LIKES HER!!!(including his friends who dont want to tell him) I don't know how to put this but she is the most outspoken, rudest, insincere, dumbest person I have EVER met...she makes comments where she shouldn't about the way I raise dc(Ive had a dd since) including
-"c" shouldn't wear overalls they'll scratch his chin", then undressed ds
-"c" needs "real" food(he was eating a cashew butter whole wheat sandwich we are vegetarian, this coming from a mom who feeds her ds lunchables and hot dogs EVERY DAY)
-"you can't feed him raw tomatoes and onions, what are you trying to do make him sick? his food needs to be cooked"
-invited her to xmas dinner, she abruptly left the table to go smoke saying "WTF is this? SALAD? I don't eat rabbit food"
-Then came back to the table seeing everything else "WTF is wrong with you people can't you serve regular food....why do you have to serve squash, it stinks and looks like shit?"..even thought we DID serve turkey/mashed potatoes ect. Embarassing me to death in front of my inlaws, making my family look like trash

Then here's the new ones since dd was born(these are GREAT!)
-came to visit 4 days after dd was born she was wearing an undershirt, sleeper, hat and blanket, middle of Jan. "What are you doing she's got to much clothes on....she's going to sweat to death" then tries to undress dd to her diaper shirt!...THANK GOD the midwife was just leaving and yanked dd out of her hands and gave her an earful
-Then she said..."OH your not b/f are you?"..umm yeah!..you know b/m is the worst thing you could do, formula has EVERYTHING they need....btw. I have a b/f friendly sticker on my door!!!

These are a few...there's so much more!

Ds's 3rd birthday she starts calling herself GRANDMA! WTF? It was never discussed w me AT ALL!...so I wrote my dad saying that I didnt appriciate that decission being made w/o me, that she needs to learn to keep her mouth shut more and they need to spend more time w dc before she is considered grandma(ds doesnt even know her NAME!). I also said that he needs to visit/help out more w my grandmother b/c my aunt(main caregiver) and the rest of the fam cant do it all. He emailed back FLIPPING out. We tried to discuss it, he says that she doesn't say these things, doesn't mean these things, and that she feels that im not nice to her...I don't know how to be "nicer" to her I invite her to EVERYTHING! I mean EVERYTHING..she says that I don't talk to her enough when shes around, which I explained that if she didnt criticize EVERYTHING I did then I would talk to her more. So my dad and I got into it and he was pissed I "stuck my nose in with his and Grandmas relationship" I explained that it is my business b/c the rest of the family(who have told him) are pissed, we all go to help grandma w her house and he's NEVER there...or when he does come he brings her and she cant keep her comments to herself..Then my dad said that its best that grandma sell her house and hes not the only one that thinks so...my dad WOULD NEVER say that!...so I was losing it and decided to confront them with something my grandma had told me that she said:

ds "looks like an eithiopian war child"

She won't deny or admit to it...

Seriously I'm through....my in-laws are great grandparents...seriously the best...my los havent seen my dad in 3 months, ds doesnt ask for him EVER...Im at the point where I just dont want them around my kids at all what would you do?

Not that this *really* matters but dh LOVES everyone and despises her...says her ignorance makes his blood run cold...which is beyond harsh coming from my dh

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#2 of 13 Old 11-05-2009, 05:11 PM
 
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I'm sorry, I don't have any advice. Just support.
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#3 of 13 Old 11-05-2009, 05:34 PM
 
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It sounds like you are making the right decision and I don't blame you one bit. I'm sorry you are having to deal w/someone like that. I can't even imagine.

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#4 of 13 Old 11-05-2009, 05:53 PM
 
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This is a frustrating situation, because you want to have a relationship with your dad, and you are going way more than halfway to include his gf in family stuff. Seriously, though, this isn't as much about him as it is about her. She's rude and says inappropriate, insulting things to you and your family. It never pays to complain to someone's partner about their behavior, as if it were the partner's responsibility to control them. I suggest you continue as you have been, but next time she insults you in your home, take her aside and tell her that you were insulted and that if she is going to talk to you like that, you are going to ask her to leave. That cuts right to the chase and makes it about her behavior towards you, and not some big family fight. Those fights that involve everyone in the family taking sides on an issue just obscure the real problems and can spread like cancer, really undermining the foundation of the family. This kind of thing can go on and on, down generations! Someone has to be the one to say, you're important to me despite this serious issue, which I have to take ..... stand on.

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#5 of 13 Old 11-05-2009, 06:04 PM
 
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I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. I agree with Singin'intherain's idea of pulling aside, but I wonder if that would just cause more trouble. I know it would in my family, but maybe it wouldn't in yours.

Honestly, though, I would just do what you are doing. You have cut him off and that's really all you can do at this point. He obviously doesn't care for you or your family or your (and his) extended family, which is really quite sad. Maybe after a while he will come around again.

In the "personal growth" forum there was someone else going through something similar with her father's wife and their (well, her) dog. You may want to talk to her as she seems to be going through the same thing.

I hope something works out for you.

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#6 of 13 Old 11-05-2009, 06:11 PM
 
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I don't see why you just don't speak up and take the control back from her.

A few good comments should put her in her place.

" This is my child and I will feed him and her the way *I* see fit."
" This is my child and I will dress him however I want." ( take the child away from her.)

" You are being rude. If you can't keep your mouth shut, I will ask you to leave my house."

Or whatever you are feeling at the moment. You are not a child, you have a right to stand up to your dad's girlfriend. If he doesn't like it, he can kiss it.


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#7 of 13 Old 11-05-2009, 07:29 PM
 
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OMG! Don't call and certainly don't invite this disgusting horrible role model to your home or have her around your children again. Why, why, why??? Don't you have enough decent people to surround yourself with? Your father is sleeping with her, he is never going to choose your side - he is a lost cause. If he won't see you and your DC w/o her, then you are better off.

If you can't get over this without profound feelings of saddness, then you should see a therapist and work through your "daddy issues" on your own, but don't subject your kids to people like this just so you can have a "relationship" with your father.

Blood isn't everything, in fact it is NOTHING. Good riddance to bad rubbish!

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#8 of 13 Old 11-05-2009, 07:39 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by alllyssa View Post
OMG! Don't call and certainly don't invite this disgusting horrible role model to your home or have her around your children again. Why, why, why??? Don't you have enough decent people to surround yourself with? Your father is sleeping with her, he is never going to choose your side - he is a lost cause. If he won't see you and your DC w/o her, then you are better off.

If you can't get over this without profound feelings of sadness, then you should see a therapist and work through your "daddy issues" on your own, but don't subject your kids to people like this just so you can have a "relationship" with your father.
I agree with this. If your father has chosen this rude woman over his child and grandchild and other family members, then yes, he hold just as much responsibility, IMO.

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#9 of 13 Old 11-05-2009, 07:47 PM
 
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Wow. This sounds really horrible. I commend you for inviting her to things to keep the peace and trying to maintain the relationship with your dad.

I would not blame you one bit for cutting her out of your life, but for those times when you MUST see her I have some suggestions.

Focus on the behavior, behavior, behavior.

eg: "At our house, we don't use language like that at the dinner table. If you continue to swear I'm going to ask you to leave."

"At our house, if we don't like something, we just say "no thank you." There is mashed potatoes, turkey and gravy if you don't care for squash."

"I don't tolerate anyone insulting my child. If you don't have something nice to say about his looks, please keep your opinions to yourself."

I'd NEVER want to be in your shoes, but if you can keep your cool, act like an adult (since she does not) and set firm boundaries, it's good modeling for everyone around you, including your dad, who is probably putting up with a lot of sh*t, too. And you'll look golden in front of your inlaws. (But I really hope you don't have to be in the same place with both families again). Remember not to get drawn-in. If she continues to insult your food, family, house etc, just repeat:

The rule at our house is that if you don't like something, you just say no thank you. If you can't follow that rule, I will ask you to leave the table.

The rule around us is that if you don't have anything nice to say, then you don't say anything. If you cannot refrain from insulting my child, then I will ask you to leave (or we will leave - since again, I hope you don't have to have to your house).

repeat as needed. "This is the third time I've told you, at our house, if you don't like something, you just say no thank you." Do NOT Engage!

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#10 of 13 Old 11-05-2009, 08:41 PM
 
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I just wanted to say Amy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by caiesmommy View Post
Not that this *really* matters but dh LOVES everyone and despises her...says her ignorance makes his blood run cold...which is beyond harsh coming from my dh
That is crazy harsh coming from B. I'm kind of surprised, though not really, with everything you've had to deal with her and your dad.

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#11 of 13 Old 11-05-2009, 09:05 PM
 
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I have a similar problem with my mum and her partner. He is inappropriate, rude, odd, racist and bigoted. I think he probably has low self esteem but we can't deal with him.

My mum's friends don't like him and neither does her brother and SIL. Her friends don't visit if he is going to be there are they don't get invited out as a couple.

He had an unruly doberman when he met my mum and then got one for her too. He has now sold his house and moved in with my mum so there are 2 massive dogs in her house as well as a difficult man.

My mum sensed that we didn't like him and dd telling her this one time when she was leaving our house put it right out there

The 'solution' is that my mum comes to our house about once a month and we don't go to hers at all. We don't talk about him but we do send cake home with her for him and stuff like that.
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#12 of 13 Old 11-06-2009, 12:47 AM
 
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This is so very hard I'm sorry you are going through this! My parents both remarried 2 to 3 years ago. Both of their partners are very, very different. Although we (thankfully) have not had the severe kind of trouble you have had, we've run into other issues. My step-mother has a very different outlook on things, and is a long time family friend, which presents a different set of problems. She has had firm rules for my Dad, like when he can turn the heat on and weather or not he can go out to eat. It's strange, as money is no issue for them at all, and it's been odd to negotiate the new "rules" and figure out how to relate to my Dad now.

My Step-Dad is a whole 'nother story. He is physically disabled and confined to a wheelchair but does not want to admit that he needs help. Consequently, my Mom does a tremendous amount of work to accommodate his disability in a home and environment that is not adapted properly. IE- they do not have a car with a wheelchair lift so my mom moves these huge heavy ramps in and out of their CRV to wheel the electric chair down the ramps. He (my stepdad) is very odd, often inappropriate and just, well, hard to relate to.

We distanced ourselves for a while, it took me a couple years to accept that this was my reality, with these people my parents choose to partner with. Like you, my IL's are WONDERFUL. It's hard to see, and I still feel somewhat bitter at times that I can't have "that" kind of relationship with my parents. I've worked hard to find a balance, to set boundaries that I'm comfortable with, to help my kids have a relationship with my parents and my step-parents, despite the difficulties. I ask my parents to set limits on really difficult things- like will you please explain to step-dad why my kids aren't allowed to have Mountain Dew/watch Sponge Bob/etc.? I do speak up and intervene when things are very inappropriate, as much out of my kids ear shot as possible. And I try to "protect" them as much as possible with these things affect them.

Best of luck Mama Lots of Hugs!!

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#13 of 13 Old 11-12-2009, 07:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all the responses. I've not heard back from my dad since our arguement where I told him that he was not allowed to bring his fiance around the kids. He said he wanted to sort things out between my grandma and his fiancee about the "eithiopian war child comment"...I said it was up to him how he handled that, I was handling it by not having her around. She has started facebook bs by statusing that "some people are whinners/needy/jealous" ect. Ive chose to ignore her obvious digs at me and not take her off b/c I a hoping for some kind of relationship though thinking its not very likely. And quite frankly its nice that I'm not having to deal w them.

He's suppose to set up a time to see the kids and hasnt called back in 2 weeks, and b/c of scheduling conflicts that I already know of it wont be for atleast another 3 before he may or may not choose to see the kids. I'm really worried that if I do allow him to see the kids...whens the next time he is going to see them? Hes not been to our house since Aug. saw them once in Sept at a family thing but who knows when he'll work them into his schedule and I'm going to have to deal w a heartbroken ds.

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