Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: The Island
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|She asked me so many times why xh was mean to me and why he tried to hurt me so much and why he was always so angry with me. I told her that I didn't know exactly why, though I did have my own opinion, but I didn't know if I was right. She wanted to hear my opinion - I told her that as far as I could tell, it was about power and control, he didn't know how to love and care about people, he thought having power over them and controlling them was showing love. I also said that he was sick - not just in his body, but in his mind and his heart.
She also had her own theories on some things that were grossly incorrect in my opinion, but without professional direction, I'm not about to open her to a reality that's even harsher. For example, she wants so badly to believe that xh really cared about her, and was "mostly nice" to her, even though he was "so mean" to me all the time (her words). In addition to very clear abusive behavior towards her - which she sometimes mentions and other times doesn't - she doesn't realize that a great deal of his behavior towards her was done explicitly to negatively affect my relationship with her - took her places as a bribe to keep her from going to playgroups with me, consistently refused to "allow" me to go to with them, "offered" other outings on days when she and I were already getting ready to leave for fun plans that she had been looking forward to and then forced her to choose (and often cry), locked both car seats away from me so I couldn't take her somewhere planned, bought her things like big bags of candy so that he looked like the fun parent, because I wouldn't let her have unlimited candy - especially with cavities!! She said she remembered a photo of her in a Winnie the Pooh shirt with a diaper, and said she remembered me changing her diapers, but she doesn't remember if he ever did, and asked if he did - I said he did a couple of times (in reality, literally 2-3 times, ever) - she asked why he didn't care about her (frustrated, clearly trying to find additional evidence that he DID care about her) and I said again that I don't think he knew how to care about someone with his behavior.
~Teresa, raising DS (Jan. 02) and DD1 (Jun. 04) and DD2 (Dec. 11) with DH.
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