Travel Drama: what do you do? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 37 Old 12-01-2009, 06:38 PM
 
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The court order says we pay access costs. Initially after we moved, this involved dh flying out and back with the kids three times a year so they could visit per the court order. I agree, it was very expensive! In our case, the court ordered that since we were paying access costs, we wouldn't have to pay for other expenses (daycare, sports, dental, etc).

Unfortunately, we've found that long-distance access is fairly easy for the kids' mom to mess with by simply refusing to cooperate (a bit like yours, about getting them to the airport, plus she will just tell us that they're not coming out this holiday, too bad), and our access is only intermittent now.

I don't really buy the whole 'you moved, you asked for it' notion. Both parents' lives go on after a divorce,and both parents should do their best to facilitate a healthy ongoing relationship with the other one. Yes, the parent who moves may shoulder the cost of access, but there's no reason why the other one should actively run interference and try to run up the bill or make things not work.
Well, I disagree with this. Of course both parents lives go on, but theose lives should include the children. I do think it's not a good idea to make a decision that means you'll only see your kdis a couple of tiems a year.
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#32 of 37 Old 12-01-2009, 06:54 PM
 
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Well, I disagree with this. Of course both parents lives go on, but theose lives should include the children. I do think it's not a good idea to make a decision that means you'll only see your kdis a couple of tiems a year.
It may not be a great decision, but some circumstances (deployment, work, access to medical specialists, caretaking of a disabled or dying family member) make it a necessary one (sometimes, even in intact families). Either way--and regardless of whether the distance is six blocks or 6,000 miles, and regardless of who moved where or for what reason, neither parent should deliberately obstruct the other parent's access.

ProtoLawyer (the now-actual lawyer, this isn't legal advice,  please don't take legal advice from some anonymous yahoo on the Internet)
Spouse (the political geek) * Stepdaughter (the artist) * and introducing...the Baby (um, he's a baby? He likes shiny things).
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#33 of 37 Old 12-01-2009, 08:12 PM
 
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Well, I disagree with this. Of course both parents lives go on, but theose lives should include the children. I do think it's not a good idea to make a decision that means you'll only see your kdis a couple of tiems a year.
And, this is why I should be careful about ever posting in this forum! No matter how hard you try, you end up feeling lousy because someone has made a flip judgment about the complexities of the last decade of your life...

Anyway, I don't want to take away from the OP's efforts to find out what else is out there in order to get ideas for her situation and gauge her current arrangement.


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It may not be a great decision, but some circumstances (deployment, work, access to medical specialists, caretaking of a disabled or dying family member) make it a necessary one (sometimes, even in intact families). Either way--and regardless of whether the distance is six blocks or 6,000 miles, and regardless of who moved where or for what reason, neither parent should deliberately obstruct the other parent's access.

That is the prevailing approach. Families make all kinds of decisions for all kinds of reasons in this un-ideal world of ours, and rather than punishing the child for them (or one parent basing all their actions on the need to prove that they're the good parent and the other one isn't - which amounts to punishing the child), it's important to work together as much as possible so they can maintain a relationship with the parent who lives out of town. That parent may need to pick up the tab, but the other parent should be supportive of the relationship.
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#34 of 37 Old 12-01-2009, 09:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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And, this is why I should be careful about ever posting in this forum! No matter how hard you try, you end up feeling lousy because someone has made a flip judgment about the complexities of the last decade of your life...


And thanks for your thoughtful comments.

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#35 of 37 Old 12-01-2009, 10:58 PM
 
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Well, I disagree with this. Of course both parents lives go on, but theose lives should include the children. I do think it's not a good idea to make a decision that means you'll only see your kdis a couple of tiems a year.
IIRC, the OP and her husband are academics. That's not a field where you have much choice over where you live. I know that DH and I are facing a possible 2-3 year separation in a few years because of my work. I know academic couples who've had to live apart for several years because of work. It's not like you can just get a job anywhere, so if the choice is to live long-distance or to be unemployed, it seems the more reasonable course of action is to move.

As for who pays, I can see the argument that he should pay all of the flight costs, but I think it's particularly unreasonable that she isn't responsible for at least getting them to the airport. I also think smaller children can fly alone, but from your descriptions of your DSS, it doesn't sound as if he's emotionally ready to do that yet. Perhaps once he is that will work out and can save you a chunk of the cost for your husband flying back and forth all the time.

It's us: DH , DS ; DD ; and me . Also there's the . And the 3 . I . Oh, and .
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#36 of 37 Old 12-02-2009, 12:47 AM
 
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[QUOTE=gingerbane;14741237]So they should have to accept anything and everything no matter how unreasonable or ridiculous?

No need to eyeroll!

I am saying that a lot of energy is going into blaming others-it is what it is, so focus on figuring it out instead of finger pointing.
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#37 of 37 Old 12-02-2009, 01:45 AM
 
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I think there's a big assumption that the moving parent is required to bear the burden of the transportation expenses, but that isn't necessarily the case!

When my husband's ex moved away, she wasn't required to pay my husband's travel expenses to see his daughter, who was too young to travel without mom (she was a nursing infant at the time). When the case switched states, the transportation expenses were calculated into child support and the travel expenses basically cancelled out any child support. Then when we moved, the cost of the child's travel is shared equally and my husband's travel is considered when calculating child support (it's not a dollar-for-dollar write off, but an expense he can deduct from his income).

We came to an agreement about travel expenses outside of court, but we did use lawyers during the process. Overall, we carry more of the burden than we would have been required to had the judge ordered it, but we made some concessions about travel expenses in exchange for other things that were more important to us.

What helped us was to look at the law in the state and be able to clearly say "this is what a court would say." Sometimes it works to say that directly to the other parent, sometimes it works for your lawyer to say it to their lawyer...

Parenting four little monkeys (11, 8, 6, and 4) with the love of my life. Making it up as I go.
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