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Old 12-24-2009, 02:57 AM
 
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OP, if you are still reading, I would like to gently suggest letting your dp's ex mother her children and you mother yours. Even though they broke up before you met him, the fact that she had a 6 month old at the time of their break up and you are now with him so soon (in her mind) must be a very hard pill to swallow for her. Even the best intentioned advice will be shot down if it comes from you.

I would do what your dp thinks is best when the child is with you. I would not call CPS on her under any circumstances. I think she is being amazingly gracious in a very difficult situation. I would do the kind thing and leave her alone.
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Old 12-24-2009, 10:50 AM
 
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I"m not sure why everyone is jumping all over the OP-she came here stating that she knew she stepped over the line and asking for advice about what to do now, not for everyone to tell her that she stepped over the line. And, I know I personally don't know the circumnstances of how she and her dh got together, who ended the relationship between dh and his ex, etc., so I really don't get why people are pointing fingers at her as the bad guy here. I am sure that having your baby's dad get married when said baby is under a year old is tough, but that could come from a myriad of circumstances. I bet it is also tough to stepmother a child that age.

OP, yes, I agree that you should let your dh do the communication from now on, and perhaps pass on your apologies. I would also have him contact the doctor and ask his/her recommendations for your dss's diet. Also, can you have dh e-mail his ex and get her response as to why dss is on that diet in writing? If it is some kind of intolerance as others hve suggested, it would be important to know that in any case-otherwise, I would give him the whole milk if htat is what is recommended by the ped and tell her that is what you will be feeding him as per recommendations.

If there are concerns about his well-being, I would have dh again contact her in writing to express his concerns and ask for solutions, and then take the proper steps if necessary. Good luck!

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Old 12-24-2009, 11:28 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kirsten View Post
OP, if you are still reading, I would like to gently suggest letting your dp's ex mother her children and you mother yours. Even though they broke up before you met him, the fact that she had a 6 month old at the time of their break up and you are now with him so soon (in her mind) must be a very hard pill to swallow for her. Even the best intentioned advice will be shot down if it comes from you.

I would do what your dp thinks is best when the child is with you. I would not call CPS on her under any circumstances. I think she is being amazingly gracious in a very difficult situation. I would do the kind thing and leave her alone.
Exactly- and you said it much, errrrrr, nicely than I would have

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Old 12-24-2009, 12:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ok how is it a hard pill to swallow when she cheated on him and broke up with him and took his son of out of DH's life? WHY am I the bad person here? I posted KNOWING I stepped over the line. Being a stepmother is a new thing for me, and I'm doing the best I know how. At least I came here, asking for ADVICE (not to be called a homewrecker..which I'm not..or an evil stepmother..which Im not). I got good advice, at first. Then the attacks turned on me simply because I said if my son's health and well being is in danger, and she won't listen to DH OR her pediatrician, then SOMEONE needs to step in and be the child's advocate, and sadly if that has to be CPS it will be! I'm not going to coddle her feelings at the expense of a child I love very dearly and only want the best for.

I don't know why this turned into a bash the OP fest, but the negativity on this board is totally opposite from the other blended family forums I post on, which give great advice, are honest and blunt, but do not ASSUME things, they ASK for the full story, instead of throwing around assumptions such as I must have wrecked their home and stole DH from her and am trying to take over her son. I'm NOT. I have two beautiful children of my own and have no NEED to take over my stepson's lives. I simply want them to flourish and grow up healthy and secure. Maybe I handled this situation wrong, but does that make me evil?

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Old 12-24-2009, 12:48 PM
 
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I generally identify with the mother but in this case I am square in your corner. Reconsider completely leaving because I assure you that the blended family board here is usually step-centric. Even though I am married and have a baby with my new husband I more often post on single parents because it's more mother oriented.

Hey guys! It's a good idea to check a members old posts before making a lot of assumptions.
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Old 12-24-2009, 12:51 PM
 
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Forum jumping.
This is an emotionally charged topic, so many will respond with high emotion.
Focus on the child. If you feel that he is healthy, looks good, not sickly or ftt, that is what is important.
I think the mention of CPS, combined with the child's young age, is what caused the postings. CPS strikes fear in the hearts of many natural parents, so we hate to hear of it being used as a perceived threat. Too many bad stories.
Plus, many of us came from blended families with step-mothers who gave unsolicited advice that backfired, or caused our mother to go nuts sometimes. Good advice or bad, mind you.
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Old 12-24-2009, 01:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I would love to stick around, I have gotten some of my BEST ADVICE in the short time I've been at this board. I generally try to see things from both perspectives, but this board helps me see more well rounded, from all views.

I just dont' understand why all the assumptions and all the bashing of me. I have made a mistake. How many of you have made mistakes in your journey as a stepparent? At least I had the decency to admit my mistake and ASK FOR HELP in rectifying it.

Mommy to four under age 4!
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Old 12-24-2009, 01:07 PM
 
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To the OP: Take the good advice and ignore the rude. There are people on here who have *incredible* insight into step-parenting, or who are able to give a different perspective in a respectful and meaningful way. I have gotten TONS of good advice here. I've also gotten bashed unmercilessly for things that I never said, did, or meant, and have spent far too much energy defending myself against what I thought were pretty bizarre assumptions and acusations.

I've come to learn which people here have situations similar to mine, who has been-there-done-that and has wisdom to share, and who can give me a different perspective that respects that there is more to every situation than they may know. Likewise, I have learned there are posters who are unlikely to understand the choices I make, or whose own history makes it difficult for them to see my situation as it is and not as they believe it to be.

I try to remember that, just as my story has complexities and history that may make it difficult for others to understand, the people responding in a way that seems harsh or disrespectful to me also have their own histories that I don't understand. When the reaction I get seems to be way off-base or way over-the-top, I try to remind myself it means there is more to their story than I know. And I ignore them and focus on the responses that are helpful to me.

Anyway, I hope you don't give up on all of us because of the assumptions of a few!

Parenting four little monkeys (11, 8, 6, and 4) with the love of my life. Making it up as I go.
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Old 12-24-2009, 02:41 PM
 
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Originally Posted by aricha View Post
To the OP: Take the good advice and ignore the rude. There are people on here who have *incredible* insight into step-parenting, or who are able to give a different perspective in a respectful and meaningful way. I have gotten TONS of good advice here. I've also gotten bashed mercilessly for things that I never said, did, or meant, and have spent far too much energy defending myself against what I thought were pretty bizarre assumptions and accusations.
This. Exactly.

You're doing the right thing looking out for your DSS. His health and well being are more important than his mother's ego.

I know people's sympathies often go to the mom in situations where the child is little at separation, (like it's not hard on the dad or stepmom at all) and, bizarrely, they often blame people outside of marriages when marriages break up. They even blame people who entered the scene afterwards. You'll have to get used to that accusation, I'm afraid. People can be highly illogical. Just ignore it.

As I mentioned before, my advice is to ignore parenting problems on the "other side" as much as humanly possible, and have your DH approach her for things that can't be ignored, such as improper feeding. CPS is clearly a last resort in any circumstance, but exists for a reason.

Good luck!

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Old 12-24-2009, 03:05 PM
 
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I am appalled how some posters have been beating up on BeAuTiFuLbaBiEs. She's just concerned about the health of the baby, which she should be since his mother is committing SEVERE NEGLECT by feeding him NOTHING but watered-down low fat milk.

OP, I think you should call CPS in this situation. The poor baby is being half-starved. It's not like CPS would necessarily take the baby away from the bio mom, but they would inform her that she needs to feed him more appropriately. CPS exists for a reason.

Also, does your DH want to fight for partial custody?
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Old 12-24-2009, 04:14 PM
 
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I would have DH field all of these issues in the future. Since she did not respond in kind, I would probably try to leave it alone if you think an apology would only cause more issues. I am inclined to apologize, but sometimes it really only makes things worse. I think you should use your judgment there since you know her.

However, all that said, I do not necessarily think she didn't consult a ped. Some peds do recommend exactly what she is doing for one reason or another. If she felt attacked, she may not have wanted to share that and rather, wanted to put you off even more. I am only throwing that out there.

Good luck!

Quote:
Originally Posted by PoppyMama View Post
...Hey guys! It's a good idea to check a members old posts before making a lot of assumptions.
If one did this, they would probably come to one of the same conclusion(s) they did the first time - the couple broke up and the OP and her DH married three months later resulting in hurt feelings. While this has NOTHING to do with the OP's question, reading previous posts probably helps explain one of the reasons (if there are many) the mom might feel and/or act the way she does.
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Old 12-25-2009, 06:27 PM
 
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"...then called DH and told him that she would feed her son however she wanted to."

Nope. Nope nope nope. This child is THEIR son, she doesn't own him and she can't mistreat him without expecting strong opposition and consistent follow-through from your dh - including CPS if necessary.

If this is not the only unsafe thing going on, then your dh needs to step up and advocate for his son. Not just this one time, but over and over again. There's nothing you can do directly that won't backfire (besides feed your dss appropriately when he's with you), but you can certainly exhort him to establish a pattern NOW of attending doctor visits, being aware of the childcare arrangements, seeking more physical custody, and ultimately being willing to call CPS if his coparent won't hear reason on any hugely significant well-being issue.
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Old 12-25-2009, 10:14 PM
 
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I don't think agreeing with the OP that she stepped over the line and giving advice about how to proceed in the future is being rude. I can understand how it would be easy to feel defensive, but I think posters are trying to help.

Has your dp asked his ex why she waters down his milk? Maybe her ped told her to for some reason? It doesn't make sense to me either, but I wouldn't assume she is trying to starve him.

What is best for this little boy is for all the adults to be able to get along and coparent him. Sometimes the stepparents get the raw end of the deal - not fair but how the cookie crumbles sometimes when in the difficult situation of parenting someone else's child.

The "I'll call CPS" card should really be reserved for last ditch issues as families can be ripped apart. If I wouldn't want someone to call CPS 'cause I don't fully vax my kids, I shouldn't call for them feeding their kid differently than the usual (assuming the kid is a decent weight, reaching milestones, etc).
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Old 12-26-2009, 12:02 AM
 
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Have your DH take DSS to the pediatrician and have it documented. Have his height/weight checked. Then decide what to do.

WIC in my state covers whole milk to age 2. They are doing it currently in my state. (I have a 22 month old that gets whole milk.) We also now get buttermilk (not that I would suggest feeding it straight in a bottle or anything.) It takes a 5 minute phone call to your local WIC office to confirm this in your own state.

If the child is 1 now, and you got together when he was 6 months, I don't know, that's awfully quick to get married to someone with kids. I'm sure she feels a bit put off. However, that it still no excuse to practically be starving a child.

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Old 12-26-2009, 12:24 AM
 
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wow. if the baby looks healthy, I wouldn't jump the gun too much. I read the entire thread and it seems to be handled for now. If you see you dss and he looks like he is underweight, or sickly.. I would start to ask lots of ?'s. If medical reasons were ruled out, and it was due to poor diet, than, you have to do what you have to do to protect the baby. I'm shocked that she is already having the baby away from her overnight to be honest. I still cringe at the thought, and dd is 3. Idk, I am known to speak before I think...and I problalby would have emailed her also, but I would have asked if he had any health issues going on where he couldn't tolorate whole milk.. the end result would have been the same as you got. ugghh, what a tough and painful situation for everyone involved. Hugs!

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Old 12-26-2009, 05:10 AM
 
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i guess what i am doing is called thread crashing... but whatever.
i would hope that the OP does speak up. i am sorry you got such rude comments. this is a small helpless child's life at stake here. if his bio mom is having issue with her ex getting remarried and is now not taking proper care of her child... well someone has to say something. i am guessing the dh needs to step up and maybe find out a bit more. honestly it doesn't really matter why the two got divorced, if the children are not being cared for properly then someone has to do something.
seriously, no one even knew the op's back story and so many of you crawled up her backside. what is up with that? why would she want to stay here and get advice if this is who she is treated?
she wanted advice as to what to do for a child that might not be being cared for properly and everyone is caring about the bio mom's feelings? what about the dss?
and if i am not mistaken she didn't say she threatened CPS to the bio mom, but that if things didn't get better and the dss started not doing well.... then maybe.
sheesh.

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Old 12-26-2009, 05:13 PM
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I would be fighting for a custodial change, as well. (or more accurately, having dh fight for a change.)

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Old 12-26-2009, 05:14 PM
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"...then called DH and told him that she would feed her son however she wanted to."

Nope. Nope nope nope. This child is THEIR son, she doesn't own him and she can't mistreat him without expecting strong opposition and consistent follow-through from your dh - including CPS if necessary.

If this is not the only unsafe thing going on, then your dh needs to step up and advocate for his son. Not just this one time, but over and over again. There's nothing you can do directly that won't backfire (besides feed your dss appropriately when he's with you), but you can certainly exhort him to establish a pattern NOW of attending doctor visits, being aware of the childcare arrangements, seeking more physical custody, and ultimately being willing to call CPS if his coparent won't hear reason on any hugely significant well-being issue.

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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Old 01-02-2010, 08:39 PM
 
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I don't think there's anything terribly wrong with the way you handled it. I would just be super, super careful about the wording of e-mails. I am the primary method of communication between our family and BthM. We have LOTS of issues with the choices she makes regarding nutrition and other choices. I try to word things like: "this is something DH and I want to try and thought you'd want to know. If you find things you'd like to share with us, we appreciate any input" So far, so good.

We have a similarly awkward situation. DBS is 19 months old. We married when he was 10 months old. Less animosity (sp?) perhaps as DH and BM dated only barely long enough for her to get pregnant.

Anyway...I think it is less awkward for all involved to communicate via e-mail sometimes. Especially for touchy subjects. Easier to think ahead about how to approach things.

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Old 01-02-2010, 09:20 PM
 
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Is the milk being mixed with formula?
I don't know a whole lot about milk, but is it as good a nutritional supplement as formula or breastmilk?
If he is not eating food, I agree he definately needs more than milk (whole or not) and it is your place to feel concerned, and it is the childs fathers place to advocate for change (with you supporting him).
I think you are handling this situation very well!

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