This is mostly a vent but I would appreciate any advice on how to deal with this because I am at the end of my rope.
To give some background, DH had been divorced for 5 years when I met him and from the start, DH's ex has tried to control every holiday. Their agreement was to alternate holidays but DH was always so accommodating to her that he always let her have time with DSS even when it was his holiday. This became a problem because she wouldn't stick to the agreed upon time and I got tired of our holidays being ruined so I told DH that this needed to stop. Basically even though it was DH's holiday, DSS's mom would keep him the entire day and all of the plans we had for DSS would be ruined. So DH stopped sharing when it was his holiday to have DSS but his ex has continued to do everything she can to disrupt our time/plans with DSS.
So this year is no exception. This is the 9th year I have gone through this - and this happens with many holidays through out the year, not just Christmas, and it's even harder now because DH and I have 2 young children who adore their big brother. I was honestly preparing myself for the dissruption. I knew it was coming so I thought ahead and thought my DH and DD's could visit some of my family who live in the same city and we could drop DSS off at his mom's house and I wouldn't feel that our plans were ruined because we were planning for it.
My DH and I started discussing plans for Christmas Eve. Everything was going smoothly. It was sounding like we were going to have a great family filled day. Then later that evening, DH tells me DSS has a doctor's appointment on Christmas Eve. Now if we lived in the same city, it wouldn't be so bad, although I would have still been a little irritated because I know what DSS's mom is up to, but since we live an hour away it just really has me upset. So basically, DH has to drive DSS an hour to his doctor appointment, then an hour back. So depending on how long the appointment takes, that's 2 - 3+ hours out of Christmas eve. When I ask DSS if he wants to spend time with his mom on Christmas eve while we are visiting some of my family, he looks at me crazy and says no. So this tells me his mom has plans to go out of town. By the way, there is no problem with DSS coming to my family get togethers. I was just trying to plan ahead for the dissruption.
DSS had knee surgery the day before Thanksgiving (our holiday again). It's a long story but DHH gave up several Thanksgiving holdiays to be accommodating to his ex's travel plans so it was agreed that DSS would spend both holidays with us this year. Supposedly this injury was so serious it had to be taken care of right away, and DSS would be missing more than a week of school. The first available day was the day before Thanksgiving. Although it was a couple of months after the surgery and DSS was now walking fine. I questioned DH about waiting until Christmas break for the surgery so DSS wouldn't miss more than a week of school during his senior year. DH informs me oh no, this is the best surgeon in the state - he wouldn't be doing the surgery if it wasn't necessary...bla, bla, bla, (not sure why, but he believes anything his ex says). So DSS has the surgery and guess what he doesn't have this injury after all. Doesn't need the week+ recovery. DSS didn't even have an MRI to diagnose the injury. Seems like a any normal mom would have questioned the doctor, but she didn't. Sorry I got off track, but the appointment on Christmas Eve is a follow up to the post op appointment he had for this surgery. He is fine, the surgery went fine, his knee is fine, so this appointment could have waited.
The sad thing is DH can't or won't see that she does these things on purpose and I don't know how to deal with this. I am so irritated that DSS's mom scheduled an apoinment for DSS on Christmas eve and hour away during our time with DSS. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to keep DSS from his medical care and would completely understand if it was necessary, but it's not anything that can't wait. His appointment is in the late morning and plans with my family are in the late afternoon so it's not like all of us can go and then go to the get together. DD's and I will miss out on 2 - 3+ hours with DH and DSS on Christmas Eve. I'm sure DSS's mom has told DH this appointment must be done that week and this is the only time the doctor has. DH won't even question her when she does things like this. When I questioned DH about the injury and why DSS was now walking fine he insisted that the injury had been diagnosed by an MRI. I told DH nothing from the insurance company had come for an MRI, but still wouldn't listen to me.
I wish I had known how hard dealing with a DH's ex was going to be. I was not prepared for a life like this. It makes it harder that even though this has been going on for 9 years, it is difficult for DH to see that his ex does do some of these things on purpose. Has anyone else been through anything like this? I could use some support.