pls help! how to tell dc and ex i'm pg - Mothering Forums
Blended and Step Family Parenting > pls help! how to tell dc and ex i'm pg
bendmom's Avatar bendmom 05:15 PM 01-15-2010
Here's the background.. My ex and I were married for 10 years. We have 2 beautiful boys, 5 and 10. We went through a divorce this spring, and he has most of the custody of the boys. It's not ideal, he had the house, job, and everything in his name, it was all I could do to leave with myself intact. I am now in a commited relationship with my wonderful supportive partner, and we just found out in Dec. that I am pregnant. He has never had children, and does great with the boys.

We're both pretty excited, but I have no idea how to go about telling the boys or my ex. The boys are coming on Sunday and I would like to tell them then. But do I tell my ex first? Or let him get the news when the boys get home. I don't want the boys to feel like they are being replaced, so I dont' really know how tell them or what to say.

It would be so wonderful to hear how other moms told their children and ex, as I'm a ball of nerves right now about the whole thing!

violet_'s Avatar violet_ 07:27 PM 01-15-2010
I think it's pretty typical over here to try to tell the kids in person, while they are in your custody. And while you have them you can let the ex know, so that when the kids get home he doesn't hear it first from them. I plan to tell my DSD and DSS when they are visiting us next, and then while they're with us, we'll probably send an email to their mother so she can process whatever reaction she may have in private and put on her game face for the kids when it comes up. I personally don't think the woman deserves any notification of anything going on in my or my husband's life (she's rather difficult, but that's another story), but I think I want her to hear if from us so it lessens the chance that she'll lose it in front of the kids. I'm still not 100% sure on this, but I'm leaning towards notifying her.

As far as how to tell the kids and working through their reactions, there are a couple of recent threads talking about kids' reactions to this type of news: one is about "factionalization," and another about Protolawyer telling her DSD about her pregnancy. You might check those out as well.

Good luck!
feminist~mama's Avatar feminist~mama 07:59 PM 01-15-2010
Honestly, I'd wait until I was at least 12 weeks to share the news- especially because you're nervous about it...

Good luck to you and congratulations!
Oriole's Avatar Oriole 08:36 PM 01-15-2010
No advice *hugs*
I just find it wonderful and fascinating how many mamas here are getting pregnant! Congrats!!!

Oh, and can I have some of that water you are drinking?
bendmom's Avatar bendmom 04:03 AM 01-16-2010
Thank you..proto's thread is great. I really wish I could wait until the end of the 1st tri, but I am a yoga teacher and had to tell my boss, and a few other teachers due to ability to teach. My body is blowing up with this one! It's a bit of small town here, and I don't want him or the boys to hear it from anyone but me. I think I will wait until I have the boys and send him an email
AnnieA's Avatar AnnieA 12:12 PM 01-16-2010
Originally Posted by Oriole View Post
No advice *hugs*
I just find it wonderful and fascinating how many mamas here are getting pregnant! Congrats!!!

Oh, and can I have some of that water you are drinking?
Oriole, I had the same thought as you yesterday! And I would like some of that water too please!
saffrongirl's Avatar saffrongirl 12:38 AM 01-18-2010
I totally feel your pain. I remember being just sick over how to tell my ex. We dealt with big fertility issues in ttc my first dd so the fact that I was pregnant with someone else was probably an extra blow to his ego. I have full custody of dd in another state so mostly I knew I had to tell him before she blurted it out on the phone. I ended up emailing him with a very brief, facts only email. Then I told dd. She was very excited but weirdly enough never mentioned it to him on the phone. She was four and I think the world with daddy is just so separate from the world with mama (since we live in diff states) that she never really thought about it when talking to him. She's mentioned the baby to him since dd #2 has been born but only in passing and he doesn't foster the conversation.

Good luck. You'll feel better once you get it over with.
MamaNim's Avatar MamaNim 10:24 AM 01-18-2010

I just started browsing through these forums, but I have to say, I'd like some water too. lol

I think my husband told his ex over the phone the night before we told his daughter. Good Luck with everything!
sew_crafty_girl's Avatar sew_crafty_girl 09:05 PM 01-19-2010
Sounds like you and I have a similar custody situation. I was a bit worried on how to tell, as well, but everything worked out good and everyone was excited.

Still, i'm concerned how everything is going to play out once baby is here in a few months. My kids are 9 and 11 and my husband's two children live with us. I don't want my kids to feel 'replaced'.
Sharlla's Avatar Sharlla 06:19 PM 02-12-2010
I told my kids while they were at my house. I never told my ex, it's none of his business and he doesn't want to know anything about my personal life and vice versa In fact I have never met his girlfriend who he's been living with for several months and I have no interest in meeting her either. I also didn't tell him when I got remarried. We limit our contact strictly to only dealing with issues with the kids via text messaging. I'm assuming once I got really big he figured what was going on but he never said a word to me and of course I'm sure the baby swing now sitting in my living room is a dead giveaway LOL

I do feel kind of bad for him because he got a V a few years back and can't have more kids and his GF can't have kids anyway due to health reasons. Not that he wants more kids but back when he and I were still friend he had told me that he didn't want me having anymore kids because it wasn't fair that I could and he couldn't. Although he doesn't want more and I do. So I don't feel too bad about it.
bendmom's Avatar bendmom 02:58 PM 06-01-2010
Thank you for the wonderful responses. I did tell him in an email. Things are a bit emotional on my end right now. The boys have asked a couple of times if the baby is going to come live with them at dad's house. I have horrible giult sometimes worrying that they will feel replaced when the baby gets here. Ds #2 acts out pretty bad when he comes over, dp is frustereated by his behavior but understands that he's acting out because he just wants to be here with his mom.

I don't know what to do about custody when the baby gets here. dp and his business partner want to open a second location somewhere else in the state, which means we leave as soon as the baby is born. We will still have to come back weekly, but the thought of moving away from my children moves me to tears. I don't have custody, and even though I told my ex at this point I could go back for custody, I'm not sure it's a good idea to move them out of their schools, and the town they've lived in for their little lives.

I know it will all work out for the better, if we dont' move right way after the baby, I will try and get the kids more since I will be home and not working. I feel like I sympathize a bit with fathers who leave and dont' get custody. I feel so helpless sometimes when I'm faced wtih the thought of having a new child and moving away from my 2 boys.