I thought DSS was a good kid until - Mothering Forums
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Blended and Step Family Parenting > I thought DSS was a good kid until
FallingLeaves's Avatar FallingLeaves 01:51 PM 01-26-2010
he added me as a friend on facebook. He has always seemed like a good kid and a bit on the naive side. Well I have been really disappointed with the stuff I am seeing him post. Just this weekend he posted about how he has gotten away with having 9 plus people in his house two times in a row. He had another post this weekend full of profanity. For Christmas, we and DIL's gave him money and he laid all of the money out and took pictures and posted those on facebook.

Maybe this is just typical teenage stuff, I don't know. I know his mom has been spending the weekends with her boyfriend an hour away, so he can basically do what he wants all weekend long. DH is working away right now and doesn't have access to facebook. He would never believe DSS would do anything like this.

So I feel like DSS has really been fooling us. I am seeing a more manipulative side to him. It makes me really concerned about him moving in with us after he graduates this summer (I had a earlier post about that). I have a 4 yo and a 2 yo and don't want to have to worry about what an immature 18 year old is old up to. I certainly don't want him doing sneaky things around my house when I'm not home.

So is this something I should worry about? Should I print the posts and send them to DH, he would never believe me just telling him. Am I overreacting?

racheepoo's Avatar racheepoo 02:15 PM 01-26-2010
He's still a good kid, but maybe he's succumbing to peer pressure and trying to fit in. Don't let this change your view of him...assign positive intent and realize that he's trying to navigate the world right now. At 18, he could be doing far, far worse things.

And yeah, I do think you're overreacting.
2xy's Avatar 2xy 02:19 PM 01-26-2010
He has friends over, swears, and shows off his money? Sounds like a teenage boy. Yes, I think you're overreacting.
hippie_at_heart's Avatar hippie_at_heart 02:23 PM 01-26-2010
Immature-yes. Irresponsible-yes. But Totally typical. Like racheepoo said he could be doing far worse. It is really great that he has you as his friend.
lvngmm's Avatar lvngmm 02:45 PM 01-26-2010
If he was doing really bad stuff, he wouldn't have become your "friend" and let you see all the things he posts. It's the funny thing about FB, everyone sees and reads the same persona, when in real life we all behave differently in front of different people. I see things that my adult friends post, while they are "friends" with their own parents and I'm sure their parents are totally shocked out as well.
Oriole's Avatar Oriole 03:10 PM 01-26-2010
Quote:
Originally Posted by JL'smom View Post
So is this something I should worry about? Should I print the posts and send them to DH, he would never believe me just telling him. Am I overreacting?
Yes, you are overreacting.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hippie_at_heart View Post
Immature-yes. Irresponsible-yes. But Totally typical.
Yup.That's the world dsd lives in (unfortunately). I still think of her as a good kid, though.

I always try to look at things critically: did my friends do this kind of stuff growing up? Yes, they did. Were they really bad people? Nope, they weren't. So, I try to look at it from that perspective when another eye-opening experience pops up.
honey-lilac's Avatar honey-lilac 03:46 PM 01-26-2010
I actually have no idea why you would think that he is no longer a "good kid." Maybe your definition and mine differ. Is he stealing, cheating, getting various kids pregnant, doing drugs, etc? No? He's swearing? Showing off what he got for Christmas? Inviting friends over? Seriously? That's it? I think you're overreacting. May these be the worst of his behavior problems.

ETA: It sounds to me (reading between the lines) that you are just plain worried about having him in your home with your young kids. VALID concern about how having an 18 year old in your home will affect your children. But it looks to me like you're maybe almost looking for excuses (subconsciously or not) as to why you don't want him there. And why would your DH not believe you unless you printed the posts out? If I told my DH something I know he would believe me and not second-guess it. Is there some sort of trust issue with you and your DH? Or maybe he feels like he has to defend DSS from you or something like that? Again, it could be completely subconscious.

If the kid is 18 you don't *have* to have him living with you. Is there an alternate arrangement you can think of? While I'm all for extended family living together, 18 is technically old enough to live on your own. Perhaps you should reconsider what this whole issue is about.

In peace.
FallingLeaves's Avatar FallingLeaves 03:53 PM 01-26-2010
Thanks Ladies! It always helps to get other perspectives. When I was younger, I had to become responsible at a very young age because my mom was ill so I guess my life as a teenager wasn't typical. It looks my expectations are a little high.
Smithie's Avatar Smithie 04:23 PM 01-26-2010
Totally typical, yes. You shouldn't start thinking of him as a "bad kid" by any stretch.

But yes, you might print out the post/pictures, show them to your dh, and say "I am not interested in dealing with this stuff under my roof. Our children are toddlers. You have a job that takes you away for months on end. I am not going to supervise your newly minted adult child. He is not moving in here. NO NO NO NO NO."

Or words to that effect
2xy's Avatar 2xy 05:35 PM 01-26-2010
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaleanani View Post
While I'm all for extended family living together, 18 is technically old enough to live on your own.
I don't know where YOU live, but my son will be 18 this coming Friday, and he's been looking for a job for almost a year. If he were to move out on his own, he'd be homeless.
Smithie's Avatar Smithie 05:54 PM 01-26-2010
Well, the young man under discussion here would NOT be homeless, he'd just be remaining under the roof of the woman who 1) gave birth to him 2) has raised him for the past 18 years 3) does not have toddlers to chase and 4) does not travel for work for months at a time.

It sounds like she might be keen to move in with her boyfriend - but that's hardly the OP's problem.

Say it with me, OP. "No." "NO." "N-to-the-O."
2lilsweetfoxes's Avatar 2lilsweetfoxes 06:00 PM 01-26-2010
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2xy View Post
I don't know where YOU live, but my son will be 18 this coming Friday, and he's been looking for a job for almost a year. If he were to move out on his own, he'd be homeless.
Well, the following may not be really accepted in a lot of circles on MDC, but there is almost always (unless he is disqualified somehow) the military.
Smithie's Avatar Smithie 06:40 PM 01-26-2010
That's where my brother is right now. My folks didn't kick him out, far from it, but he got to the point where he was READY for some externally applied structure and direction.
2xy's Avatar 2xy 06:50 PM 01-26-2010
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2lilsweetfoxes View Post
Well, the following may not be really accepted in a lot of circles on MDC, but there is almost always (unless he is disqualified somehow) the military.
The military is not exactly homeschool-friendly. Most recruiters place homeschoolers in the same category as drop-outs, unless the homeschooler has some sort of certificate/transcript from an umbrella school. And recruiters will almost always take a "real" high school diploma over a GED, so getting a GED isn't the answer anymore, either.

As a former service member, I know that my son would be a horrible fit. It's not for everyone.

And frankly, IME, people who move to the military right from their parents house are still being cared for by someone else. It's not really being "on your own" when every detail of your life is micro-managed. It's why military "Lifers" need workshops in order to effectively transition back into civilian life.
2xy's Avatar 2xy 06:53 PM 01-26-2010
double post
Marsupialmom's Avatar Marsupialmom 07:00 PM 01-26-2010
Yes you are overreacting but --- he needs to learn to becareful what to post on face book.

Kids over --- should be busted.

He is going to get robbed for flaunting the cash.

Language can come back and haunt him.

He is a good kid, but you guys need to teach not to post stupid things on the internet.

I would bring it up with your husband so he can tell him he is being stupid for showing off.
honey-lilac's Avatar honey-lilac 08:20 PM 01-26-2010
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2xy View Post
I don't know where YOU live, but my son will be 18 this coming Friday, and he's been looking for a job for almost a year. If he were to move out on his own, he'd be homeless.
You're preaching to the choir. DH has been out of work since 2005; without the support of our families we would be pretty hard stuck living as well.

Just saying.
honey-lilac's Avatar honey-lilac 08:23 PM 01-26-2010
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2xy View Post
The military is not exactly homeschool-friendly. Most recruiters place homeschoolers in the same category as drop-outs, unless the homeschooler has some sort of certificate/transcript from an umbrella school. And recruiters will almost always take a "real" high school diploma over a GED, so getting a GED isn't the answer anymore, either.

As a former service member, I know that my son would be a horrible fit. It's not for everyone.

And frankly, IME, people who move to the military right from their parents house are still being cared for by someone else. It's not really being "on your own" when every detail of your life is micro-managed. It's why military "Lifers" need workshops in order to effectively transition back into civilian life.
I second that too. DH got out of the military in 2005. If you notice my above post - that's the last time he had a job. He took the workshops but so far has been unable to transition back to the civilian life. Despite the workshops. I take care of every detail of our life together because he's not really able to. It's very odd - but yeah, he's not a unique case. A lot of his friends that got out are in the same boat. Most have re-enlisted when they could not handle civilian life. DH would have but he had medical issues and didn't want to leave his family behind.
choli's Avatar choli 08:27 PM 01-26-2010
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marsupialmom View Post
Yes you are overreacting but --- he needs to learn to becareful what to post on face book.

Kids over --- should be busted.
Busted for what? Having friends over? Unless his mother has some problem with him having friends over, I see nothing wrong with it.

Frankly, if I was 18 and my mother had a problem with my having friends over while she was away, I'd move out pronto.
Kirsten's Avatar Kirsten 08:42 PM 01-26-2010
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaleanani View Post
I actually have no idea why you would think that he is no longer a "good kid." Maybe your definition and mine differ. Is he stealing, cheating, getting various kids pregnant, doing drugs, etc? No? He's swearing? Showing off what he got for Christmas? Inviting friends over? Seriously? That's it? I think you're overreacting. May these be the worst of his behavior problems.
What she said.

What he is doing is absolutely normal for an 18 year old, and it doesn't make him a "bad kid" by any stretch. Based on what is in this thread, I wouldn't have any issue having him around my 4 and 2 year olds - but I don't believe in adult children living at home so I'd veto on that basis alone.
mtiger's Avatar mtiger 10:44 PM 01-26-2010
Realistically speaking, what I see is that you've been looking for a reason not to have this young man move into your home. Instead of manufacturing reasons, talk to your husband - his father - about your concerns. You should have already done this. But don't manufacture reasons like he's a terrible, no good, bad kid 'cause he showed a spot of poor judgment.

However, don't be surprised if his father - your husband - isn't thrilled with your downing his other kid. Because that is what you're doing. Be careful what you wish for.
Marsupialmom's Avatar Marsupialmom 01:03 AM 01-27-2010
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post
Busted for what? Having friends over? Unless his mother has some problem with him having friends over, I see nothing wrong with it.

Frankly, if I was 18 and my mother had a problem with my having friends over while she was away, I'd move out pronto.
Yes, but if he tells of those situations he might not have the filter not to tell of others.
FallingLeaves's Avatar FallingLeaves 02:56 AM 01-27-2010
I'm not looking for reasons for DSS not to move in. I've already talked about that in another thread and don't want to repeat what I've already said. I don't like sneaky behavior - period. I don't have experience with teenagers, maybe it's normal for teenagers to be sneaky.

DSS's mom talked him into going into the Navy so he could get his education paid for. DH talked him out of it.

DSS's post was that he got away with having 9 plus people over his house for the second time in a row. To me that sounds like he got away with having a party. Although I don't really care for DSS's mom, I don't think she would appreciate DSS having a party without permission. I know I wouldn't appreciate it. I don't know anything about teenagers having parties, when I was a teenager, I was taking care of my sick mom - making sure she got to her doctors appointment and making sure she was taking her medication. Maybe that wasn't a party but that's the impression I got.

DSS gives the impression that he is this sweet, innocent, naive kid and DH is falling for it hook, line, and sinker and always has. In DH's eyes, DSS can do no wrong. DSS never threw fits like our DD's do, DSS was so obediant, he wouldn't even eat a piece of food that had fallen on the table without asking DH if it was alright to eat it (not that I think that's a good thing - just want to give some background). If I told DH about the posts, he would say I must have misread it because DSS would never do that. That's why I mentioned printing them. DSS had DH, his mom, and his moms daughter believing that he still believed in Santa at the age of 13. DH insisted that DSS honestly believed Santa was leaving the presents at that age. When I talked to DSS's sister about it, she said she and her mom tried to explain "Santa" to him, he began to cry, got very upset and refused to believe what they were telling him. I don't know of one 13 year old that honestly believes Santa is leaving presents under the tree. Another incident that happened a few months ago was DSS had to be taken home early to go to work. DH had planned a fishing trip and asked DSS if he could take off work. DSS said he asked, but no one would switch with him so he was not able to take off work. So DH takes him back early and DSS doesn't go to work, he spends the day with his girlfriend and tells DH - "Oh guess what, when I went to work, they told me someone (he doesn't know who) had called them and said I wasn't coming in so I didn't have to work". DH honeslty believed that and didn't question DSS. I didn't believe it for a minute so I questioned him....Why would a mystery person call in and say you aren't coming to work? DSS replies "well it must have been the assistant manager, he knew I wanted the day off". My reply "why would the assistant manger call in and say you aren't coming in instead of calling you and saying you don't have to come in?" DSS had no answer then starts crying because I don't believe his story. Maybe I was too hard on him, but I wanted him to know that I wasn't falling for that kind of BS.

Like I said, I don't have any experience with teenagers, but I don't like the sneakiness and lying. Maybe that's normal for teenagers but I still don't like it. Maybe it was just irritating to see DSS, who pretends to be so innocent and naive, bragging how he got away with something.

I didn't mean to make it sound like I think he is a bad kid, I was just surprised to see that side of him when I logged onto facebook. To me, bragging about how you got away with something isn't cool, infact it's disrespectful. If he would be that disrespectful to his mom (meaning having a party when she wasn't home then bragging about it on facebook), what kinds of disrespectful things would he do in my house when I'm not home?
FallingLeaves's Avatar FallingLeaves 03:12 AM 01-27-2010
I haven't figured out how to quote text in my posts, but wanted to say Thank You to Smithie - you always know how to say exactly what I am thinking/feeling. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!!

I also forgot to say that I am not concerned with him being a bad influence around my 2 and 4 yo's, my concern is that I have my hands full with caring for my 2 and 4 yo's while DH works away several months of the year and I don't have anything left to deal with an adult child who still needs parenting.
carmel23's Avatar carmel23 04:18 AM 01-27-2010
Quote:
Originally Posted by JL'smom View Post
I don't have anything left to deal with an adult child who still needs parenting.
I know that you posted in a previous post that you didn't want to rehash the post about whether your step-son should move in or not, but this makes me think that maybe you aren't totally comfortable with him moving in, and yes, maybe you are looking for reasons to not have him there.

Your examples of why he is sneaky don't really seem that bad. Maybe he posted that he had that many people over, not because his mom would care or not, but because it was a social achievement for him (which a lot of socializing is for kids) to have that many friends in one place and at his house, so he was proud and had 'pulled it off.'

The work example could be simply that he had called a lot of co-workers to see if someone could cover his shift, but no one confirmed to him that they could, so he goes in, and the assistant manager had called in/shown up with someone to cover his shift, or had called in to let the others know that he wouldn't be in (maybe they realized they didn't need so many people for the shift, etc)... that happened to me a lot when I worked a shift job...

I don't really see this as 'sneaky' behavior. He is 18 and yes, in sense his identity is still forming. But that doesn't mean he is intentionally being deceptive. Why is it sneaky for a son to want to live in his parent's house?
flapjack's Avatar flapjack 06:49 AM 01-27-2010
FWIW, my first thoughts when I saw what you'd written about the money was "awww, bless." That's not a sophisticated young man's FB page, that's someone who is trying to look cool and erm, maybe not quite pulling it off? The same with the party- 9 people isn't something I'd immediately think to brag about, and I don't know that I'd even be considering it a party. Really. I think he's play-acting at being Mr Super-cool, super-popular, super-rich in the same way that he was play-acting believing in Santa at 13.
TinkerBelle's Avatar TinkerBelle 10:33 AM 01-27-2010
He is 18. An adult. I don't see what can be done about it.

This is something you and DH need to hash out. He should not just let the young man move right in without your feelings being considered, especially if he is gone a lot.

My question is, why wouldn't your husband believe you? Does he often think that you are lying about things? I don't mean that in a snarky way, but it would totally piss me off if my husband accused me of lying.
bronxmom's Avatar bronxmom 01:51 PM 01-27-2010
Quote:
Originally Posted by flapjack View Post
FWIW, my first thoughts when I saw what you'd written about the money was "awww, bless." That's not a sophisticated young man's FB page, that's someone who is trying to look cool and erm, maybe not quite pulling it off? The same with the party- 9 people isn't something I'd immediately think to brag about, and I don't know that I'd even be considering it a party. Really. I think he's play-acting at being Mr Super-cool, super-popular, super-rich in the same way that he was play-acting believing in Santa at 13.
Yeah that. He sounds like he's trying to front on facebook and perhaps has a lot of insecurity. A kid who friends his stepmom on facebook isn't being sneaky or lying. More likely he's bragging to his friends. If his mom is away a lot these days and he's faced with growing up and out and not quite ready and wants to live with his dad, seems like there's some real need going on there. I'm not saying that's your responsibility to deal with but maybe his dad can play more that role. I didn't read the other thread about him moving in, but I'm thinking you should let him with some firmly established ground rules. For ex., he can actually be a help as part of paying his way; sitting for the kids, helping out around the house, doing some of the meal planning/grocery shopping, etc. Why not try it and see how it goes rather than anticipating problems from the jump? He seems like he is a good kid, a little insecure and a little needy. Maybe he just needs a little more time.
FallingLeaves's Avatar FallingLeaves 01:56 PM 01-27-2010
I might not be comfortable with DSS moving in because 1) no one discussed it with me, 2) his mom doesn't want him around anymore because the child support will stop and I've already spent 3 1/2 years taking care of her adult daughter (not DH's) and I think it's her turn, 3) My DH is gone for months at a time and I don't have the physical or mental energy to deal with an immature 18 yo because I am raising a 2 yo and 4 yo but I don't think I am not looking for excuses. I have legitimate concerns about his behavior. Maybe my expectations are way too high. Like I said before, I had to be responsible at a very young age and being a silly, immature teenager wasn't part of my reality. His mom has enabled him to be the 18 year old he has become and she needs to be the one dealing with it, not me.

The work story was that a mysterious person called into DSS's work to say DSS would not be coming into work that day. DSS said the place of employment thought it was DSS calling in for himself. DSS came up with "well maybe it was the assistant manager" when I asked why would someone call into your work pretending to be you. Sorry I don't buy that. If the assistant manager was calling in to the place of employment, I think he would say "Hi This is the assistant manager, DSS won't be coming in today because Jane is covering his shift". DSS doesn't know who called in just some mysterious person, pretending to be him. I just don't think the assistant manager would call in pretending to be DSS to say he wouldn't be at work. I think he made up the story about having to go home early for work because he wanted to spend the day with his girlfriend, not go on a fishing trip with his dad. DH honestly believed some mystery person called in pretending to be DSS. I think DH is in denial - DSS is perfect, DSS doesn't lie, DSS can do no wrong.....don't we all know parents like that?

No, DH doesn't have trust issues with me, I didn't mean to imply that he would think I was lying, he just doesn't think his son can do ANYTHING wrong. DH wouldn't be able to fathem the thought of DSS having a party/friends over without permission while his mom wasn't home. I can just imagine DH would insist that I must have misunderstood the post.
choli's Avatar choli 02:21 PM 01-27-2010
Do you actually KNOW that he did not have permission to have friends over, or are you making the assumption that because you wouldn't let him have friends over his mother wouldn't allow it either?

Cos I kind of doubt he would post about it on Facebook knowing you could see it if his mother had a problem with it.
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