Every time DSD and I do something really special together (some project, learning how to cook a special dish, etc) she goes and tells her mom. No fail, the following time she comes over to our place she tells me that her mom said she doesn't like me. I replied: "that's really too bad. Your mommy doesn't really know me. I'm not sure why she doesn't like me. Did she give you a reason?" She said "no." Then her dad said: "Maybe one day she will" (not sure why he said that.)
I get upset because I have worked (and continue to work) so hard to create a strong bond with DSD and to have her like me. I just hate when her mom says bad things about me to her. DSD doesn't seem to change when this happens, but what her mom says is definitely important to her (important enough to mention it every time.)
So I automatically wrote an email to her mom, but didn't send it. I know she won't respond, and if she ever does it'll be with an insult, or telling me not to talk about her daughter, or something like that. I wanted to tell her that DSD is very upset every time mom tells her bad things about me and that it actually reflects badly on her and creates unnecessary stress on DSD. But if I'm completely honest with myself, I think I just hate the fact that DSD might not like me as a result of her mom's comments (I'm really sensitive about that.) I want to send the email so she feels bad for her daughter and stops. She is a good mom generally (and makes sure she never says anything bad about her dad to DSD) but not allowing her to love and be loved by someone in her family, in her other household is not a good idea (divorce parenting 101, though she doesn't see me as DSD's family.) Her mom knows I'm incredibly good and loving to her daughter; she just chooses not to think about that and has her own tremendous amounts of hatred toward me.
Writing the email was an impulse, and it also seemed like a bad idea, so I decided to ask for advice before sending anything. Should I just keep letting this one pass? I'm just so tired of this woman's insecurities and bad energy. I know she won't end it for me, but maybe for her daughter's sake? And I know this all sounds kind of silly. Maybe I just need to be told that it's not that big of a deal?
I think you have to just let it go. You can't control what she says, but you can control how you respond. I would think about your response ahead of time so you know what you want to say if/wuen it comes up. Ultimately your step-daughter is going to judge you on her own relationship with you, so keep doing what you are doing to create that bond.
For what it's worth, I was absolutely #1 on my step-daughter's mom's list of most hated people back when I first came into her daughter's life, yet I have a very strong bond with my step-daughter that hasn't wavered over the last 6 years despite any negative feelings her mom had toward me.
I think sending her a note will be very unlikely to help. So, in your case, I'd say either let it go, or if it really bothers you, you should have your DH send her a note about it. Since she views him as a parent but not you, it's possible she'd listen to him or realize that what she's doing is harmful. Does she read divorced parenting books? He could highlight a section for her if she's the type who would be influenced by that.
Pretty early on in our relationship, DSS, out of the blue, asked me if I liked his mom. I said yes (not sure what else one could say). He immediately responded, "She says she doesn't know you that well." I was pretty happy with that, since I knew she hated my guts, but was at least willing to pretend she didn't really have an opinion. Maybe that should be the goal here.
Thank you! That's what I needed to hear...
I dont believe the note is the way to go either. If you really want to speak with her, woman to woman, it should be in person. And if you have your DH write one instead, that could make things worse. It could make her think even worse about you (i.e. "oh she doesnt even have the guts to talk to me herself?" type thing, depending on what type of woman she is).
Have you tried to set up a meeting, like maybe lunch or something, with her? See if that works and if she will agree to it, just let her know how much it means to you to be in her child's life and how wonderful a child she is. Let her know that you have no intention on replacing her, sometimes mom's get over protective of their spot in their child's life when another woman comes into the picture. I've known quite a few that hated their ex's new partners simply for that reason. Perhaps hearing that from you might allow her to be a bit more open-minded about you.