DSD's Mom and her BF of three years just broke up.
We have already been dealing with DSD having seperation anxiety, and I fear this has made things worse for her.
She was with us this weekend and anything that would remind her of "her J" she would tell us how "her J" had this, or they did this together, but now him and her Mommy broke up and she can't see him anymore.
It broke my heart... I can't even recall how many times she told us how she cannot see him, his parents, or his dogs anymore. They would stay with his parents EOW on her Mom's weekends, and they vacationed together every summer.
DH and I have ex-BF's phone number and we'd like to extend the offer to him to still be able to see DSD. DH wants to run it by his ex first... but I'm sort of in the camp that instead of asking permission, she should be sort of told that it's probably in the best interest of her DD to still have some kind of contact with the people who have been a big part of her life the past three years.
Her BF was pretty involved and took on the care of DSD often when she stayed home sick from school or had early dissmissals as his job was more flexible than DSD's Mom.
Anyway, I was talking to my own Mom about this and she sees it better to go cold turkey and not even bother. I really don't think that's a good answer.
DSD has had a very rough couple of years, and I'm afraid of what sort of abandonment issues she is going to have because of all of this. First her parents divorced... then she became really close with her Grammy, Pop-pop and two cousins who she saw all the time when DH was living with his Mom.
When DH and I moved out of his Mom's house his Mom and StepDad refused to speak to us anymore, no matter how many times we extended the olive branch to them for the kids' sakes... so due to that DSD no longer sees them nor her cousins.
And now she is losing "her J", his parents and dogs that were like her little best friends, she would talk about those dogs all the time.
I just feel so bad for her.
We let her talk as much as she wanted to this weekend and asked her how she felt and she told us she is really sad.
This is in the child's best interest. The way I figure, her Mother had no say over who YOU and YOUR HUSBAND become friends with, and if you become friends with your stepdaughter's ExStepfather, then that's really none of her business- that's your Husband's parenting time. Of course, I may be biased, as a formerly very involved soon-to-be Ex Stepmother of a child I'm very close to...
I think your DH is right. You don't know the relationship that the mom had with the boyfriend or the terms they broke up on. She is the one who should decide about letting this guy be part of her dd's life. It was her relationship. It was she and he who were in it and I think it is highly inappropriate for you to continue it against the mother's wishes. If she says it is ok, that is fine, but this is not a decision that your dh has the right to make, IMO.
So much of this depends on the circumstances- why did they break up? What's her mom's attitude about them seeing each other? Would she cause her daughter pain just to stick it to someone because she's angry? Or would she appreciate having someone else facilitate their continued relationship? There could be a good reason for her to keep her daughter away from him- I think you should find out. If she's purposely keeping them apart out of anger and hurt, then maybe you should consider inviting him to see her. After three years, they have an important bond- obviously that's how your dsd feels about it. It's not right to just do nothing to help her if there's something you can do- but find out, and be open with her mom. I wouldn't want someone sneaking behind my back to do something with my daughter because they thought I might disagree with what they were doing.
Aaaargh. Your poor DSD.
Honestly, I'd go cold turkey on the boyfriend's family too. You're just not going to be able to keep that up, and mom would probably have constant knicker attacks about it.
Is there any way your dh can use this situation to negotiate more parenting time? Maybe offer to take DSD every weekend so mom can, um, go out on the town? What your DSD needs is the best possible relationship with the father figure in her life who CAN'T be gotten rid of - her dad.