WWYD? DSD's Mom and her BF broke up - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 5 Old 02-08-2010, 09:13 AM - Thread Starter
 
Phoenix~Mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Lehigh Valley, PA
Posts: 5,306
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
DSD's Mom and her BF of three years just broke up.

We have already been dealing with DSD having seperation anxiety, and I fear this has made things worse for her.

She was with us this weekend and anything that would remind her of "her J" she would tell us how "her J" had this, or they did this together, but now him and her Mommy broke up and she can't see him anymore.

It broke my heart... I can't even recall how many times she told us how she cannot see him, his parents, or his dogs anymore. They would stay with his parents EOW on her Mom's weekends, and they vacationed together every summer.

DH and I have ex-BF's phone number and we'd like to extend the offer to him to still be able to see DSD. DH wants to run it by his ex first... but I'm sort of in the camp that instead of asking permission, she should be sort of told that it's probably in the best interest of her DD to still have some kind of contact with the people who have been a big part of her life the past three years.

Her BF was pretty involved and took on the care of DSD often when she stayed home sick from school or had early dissmissals as his job was more flexible than DSD's Mom.

Anyway, I was talking to my own Mom about this and she sees it better to go cold turkey and not even bother. I really don't think that's a good answer.

DSD has had a very rough couple of years, and I'm afraid of what sort of abandonment issues she is going to have because of all of this. First her parents divorced... then she became really close with her Grammy, Pop-pop and two cousins who she saw all the time when DH was living with his Mom.

When DH and I moved out of his Mom's house his Mom and StepDad refused to speak to us anymore, no matter how many times we extended the olive branch to them for the kids' sakes... so due to that DSD no longer sees them nor her cousins.

And now she is losing "her J", his parents and dogs that were like her little best friends, she would talk about those dogs all the time.

I just feel so bad for her. We let her talk as much as she wanted to this weekend and asked her how she felt and she told us she is really sad.

ribbonpurple.gif  Proud Single Mama, Birth & Postpartum Doula

Student, Aspiring CNM 
treehugger.gif  DD ~ 1/7/09   shamrocksmile.gif  DS ~ 9/22/10

Phoenix~Mama is offline  
#2 of 5 Old 02-08-2010, 10:01 AM
 
kblackstone444's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: MA
Posts: 3,839
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
This is in the child's best interest. The way I figure, her Mother had no say over who YOU and YOUR HUSBAND become friends with, and if you become friends with your stepdaughter's ExStepfather, then that's really none of her business- that's your Husband's parenting time. Of course, I may be biased, as a formerly very involved soon-to-be Ex Stepmother of a child I'm very close to...

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
kblackstone444 is online now  
#3 of 5 Old 02-08-2010, 07:51 PM
 
tndixiemom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 136
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think your DH is right. You don't know the relationship that the mom had with the boyfriend or the terms they broke up on. She is the one who should decide about letting this guy be part of her dd's life. It was her relationship. It was she and he who were in it and I think it is highly inappropriate for you to continue it against the mother's wishes. If she says it is ok, that is fine, but this is not a decision that your dh has the right to make, IMO.
tndixiemom is offline  
#4 of 5 Old 02-09-2010, 01:05 AM
 
singin'intherain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 879
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
So much of this depends on the circumstances- why did they break up? What's her mom's attitude about them seeing each other? Would she cause her daughter pain just to stick it to someone because she's angry? Or would she appreciate having someone else facilitate their continued relationship? There could be a good reason for her to keep her daughter away from him- I think you should find out. If she's purposely keeping them apart out of anger and hurt, then maybe you should consider inviting him to see her. After three years, they have an important bond- obviously that's how your dsd feels about it. It's not right to just do nothing to help her if there's something you can do- but find out, and be open with her mom. I wouldn't want someone sneaking behind my back to do something with my daughter because they thought I might disagree with what they were doing.

Mama to: Asterbanana.gif ,          Augustblueman.gif,              Emmett:nut.gif,              Ruthie: kiss.gif
 
 
Step mom to Malakiesuperhero.gif, Cameron af.gif, and Aurelia partytime.gif
singin'intherain is offline  
#5 of 5 Old 02-09-2010, 02:04 PM
 
Smithie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 4,529
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
Aaaargh. Your poor DSD.

Honestly, I'd go cold turkey on the boyfriend's family too. You're just not going to be able to keep that up, and mom would probably have constant knicker attacks about it.

Is there any way your dh can use this situation to negotiate more parenting time? Maybe offer to take DSD every weekend so mom can, um, go out on the town? What your DSD needs is the best possible relationship with the father figure in her life who CAN'T be gotten rid of - her dad.
Smithie is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off