I think I'm losing my stepdaughter!!!!! - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 7 Old 02-13-2010, 05:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm not sure which forum to post this in, but this is about my stepdaughter and my soon-to-be ExHusband, so I'm trying this forum...

For those of you who know my situation, my Husband woke up one morning in November and told me he's leaving me. First, he blamed it on me being depressed, then he admitted he just doesn't love me anymore. I have a 14 year old son and he has a 9 year old daughter. We'd been together since my son was 6 and his daughter was 13 months old, living together as a family since the kids were 8 and almost 3. He is the only Dad my son has ever know. He's a noncustodial Dad, but has alot of visitation. My stepdaughter and I are/were very close- for those 6 years, I was primary caregiver when she was at our house, as well as her go-to person when she wanted someone to talk to about serious things in her life. Anyways, he insisted I move out with my son after Christmas, which we did.

I've seen my stepdaughter twice since then- one weekend he brought her over for lunch and they hung out for a couple hours and the other weekend, we brought the kids to Michael's Craft Store to spend their Christmas gift certificates. Both times, my stepdaughter has been very clingy with me when we're together, though I'm told that she's "just fine, doesn't really ask about you or talk about you". He's come over for an hour or so at a time once on the other two weekends he didn't have Katherine, to spend time with my son. We've been remaining pretty good friends up until last Monday. Anyways, that's the background, now here's the drama...

Something we fought over while we were married was, I didn't drive, didn't have my lisence. Why? Part of the reason was, my Mother flipped my Grandmother's car a couple years ago, so I'd have panick attacks at the thought of having to drive, especially of having to drive the kids around, like he planned. The other reason was, I didn't realize until I moved out and felt relief from all the pressure, and realized, part of the reason why I was afraid of learning to drive was because I was afraid of disappointing him, if I couldn't do it, so I just didn't do it. (That make sense?) Anyways, kicked out of the house, divorce on the way, but still friends, I realized that, I'm several hundred miles from my family in MA, there are no planes that go from this area to that area, and if I ever want to visit my family, I will have to take a bus, with three different bus exchanges, almost 16 hours on a bus or waiting, and a quarter of my monthly income for the bus tickets... so I emailed my soon-to-be ExHusband and asked him to think about it, but would he consider teaching me how to drive, and explained why. Perhaps poor judgement, but he's the only one in the area who can teach me, so it's him or nobody.

That was Monday. He was furious. Ignored me until Thursday. Emailed him and text him about other things, one being that my phone's dead and my son's at a friend's house in a blizzard and I can't get ahold of him, so would he please call him. No answer. Thursday, I get ahold of him (I cheated- my phone was still dead, so I used my son's) and we talked for a few minutes about getting me Gary's birth certificate ASAP- it's somewhere in his house. He expressed that he will look for it (and called later to tell me he found it) and then told me he really doesn't want to talk to me, he wants to stay friends, but wants nothing to do with me anymore, does not want to talk to me, does not want to see me, and our plans for this weekend (me bringing myself, my son and the dogs over to spend some time with Katherine) are canceled, because he doesn't want to see me. He told my son this morning that he can't come over today because he "has plans". (He is taking my son and stepdaughter out to dinner and a movie tomorrow night, as planned, and invited my sister-in-law, who's going, even though she was supposed to be hanging out with me.) I will not get to see or talk to my stepdaughter this weekend, and IF he lets me see her next weekend he has her, it will have been a month since I'd last seen her. This is the child who used to go everywhere with me, do everything with me. :-(

I have to send her Valentine's Day gift with my son when my son walks over to his house tomorrow for dinner. :-( I'm losing her, he's taking her away from me, the one thing he promised NEVER to do, and there's nothing I can do about it. There's nothing I can do about it. No advice will work- I'm "just" a Stepmother, I have no legal right to that child, and even if I fought it in court, I'd need money for a lawyer, which I don't have- I hardly have money for food. He's not the kind of person to use a child as a pawn to hurt the other parent, but here he is, canceling our plans together because HE doesn't want to see me. :-( I'm lost.

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#2 of 7 Old 02-13-2010, 10:21 PM
 
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I couldn't read and not post. Love to you. Hopefully your ex just needs some cooling time and you will be able to see her regularly again. Can you talk to, or email your ex and ask that you have dinner and game night with both kids next week? Leave anything between you and his relationship out of it, don't get emotional or talk about the long term, just ask about the one night. Do state that you miss your stepdaughter and you think it is best for everyone, especially the kid's transitioning into two households, if they know that both of you are still big parts of their lives.

I hope this works out for all of you.

Mama to A born 8/7/99
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#3 of 7 Old 02-13-2010, 10:28 PM
 
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Also wanted to add, I think it is probably difficult for your ex to imagine the two of you separating your lives when so much is intertwined and you asking for him to teach you to drive just felt like too much at this stage. Is it possible that you hire a company to teach you to drive? Or do you have any friends who could do this? If you are both going to transition out of this relationship healthily you need to not be dependent on one another for stuff like that. If you need to start building up other support systems I would check into local single mom's groups or other divorce support groups to try to branch out. I imagine it is really hard, I am sorry.

Mama to A born 8/7/99
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#4 of 7 Old 02-14-2010, 11:37 AM
 
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"I'm losing her, he's taking her away from me, the one thing he promised NEVER to do, and there's nothing I can do about it."

Yes. That is what is happening. I am so sorry.

Mama, you need to get yourself and your son OUT of this pain-filled situation where you have no kind of dependable support. If your family is in MA, well, maybe it's time to think about moving home. The longer your son is hanging around this man he thinks of as "Dad," the more he is going to be hurt by the inevitable rejection. Your STBX wants to move on. How long do you think that guilt is going to keep him in your son's life?

In the short term, yes, hiring a driving school is definitely the way to go. That's how I learned to drive. It's actually a lot less nerve-wracking to be taught by somebody you don't have a personal relationship with.

Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. You are going to feel SO MUCH BETTER once you've gotten some distance from this situation. Preferably a couple thousand miles of physical distance , but hey, you do what you can. At least you can be pretty sure that when you send your dsd cards and gifts via her Dad, he is actually going to let her have them. That's more than some exes get.
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#5 of 7 Old 02-16-2010, 10:18 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Long story short, me and my soon-to-be ExHusband talked Sunday morning, then fought (on the phone, not in front of either child), then had a heart-to-heart and more or less made up, and he full-out appologized about his intention of not letting me see Katherine this weekend. He said that was the original reason why he called Sunday morning, to see if he could stop by with her on his way to pick Gary up for dinner. We talked in length about the whole kid thing, he was still a little angry with me from earlier this week, but an email I'd sent him the night before made him realize that he was wrong and he was about to do the one thing he promised himself he would never do- even if he was mad enough at ME to take his daughter from ME, he couldn't take me from his DAUGHTER, know what I mean? Anyways, they stayed for a little bit, me and Katherine had lots of fun. I could tell he was still a little pissed about what had gone down earlier in the week, but we've agreed to give it a few days, until we're both more calm (plus, he has a killer work week ahead of him) and then we need to go half a heart-to-heart about how to keep our friendship without letting past arguments keep pissing us off at eachother. For example is, when we were married, the house was always a mess, and we used to fight because he worked long hours and so I was the one expected to do most the housework. Now, my new apartment is SPOTLESS. Most days, you could eat off the floor. His apartment... well... things are left where they're dropped. My son slept over Sunday night, and then came home to tell me how, Katherine's room, she has to make a path through toys and clothes to get to the bed... dirty cups all over the house, he had to go look through the house to find and clean a dirty cup so he could have a drink with his breakfast... etc. Things like that are hard not to get pissed about- if he wants to be a slob in his own house, that's fine, but to blame ME because the house we lived in together was always a mess... not cool. Anyways, we have alot to talk about, need a serious heart-to-heart, because we need to stay friends for the kids. We both agreed (and he felt really crappy about it) that this weekend, with me almost not getting to see Katherine, was no good, we can't do that again, even if we end up hating eachother, we need to learn not to fight, to work together. Hope we can do this...

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#6 of 7 Old 02-16-2010, 09:02 PM
 
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I really hope things go alright for you.
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#7 of 7 Old 02-16-2010, 09:20 PM
 
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Thinking of you tonight.

New endeavor coming soon...
Raising Alice in Wonderland (DSD, 17), and in love with a Superman
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