Aaggh! I am so frustrated. We got custody of my ex's daughters 18 months ago because his 6 year old alleged (in detail) that her moms boyfriend molested her. Child & Youth told their mom that she would have to leave the boyfriend or send the kids to us. She sent them to us and immediately called her daughter a liar and has stood by her man. Directly after she freaked out his daughter recanted, but all the professionals strongly believed something happened and he failed a lie detector test so he was indicated of abuse. During that time (when he wasn't allowed around kids) mom was fine with 3 hrs of supervised visits a week and didn't want custody back unless he could be there. Months later he appealed and because she had recanted he won his appeal. Mom immediately filed for custody. The trial began and Child and Youth testified he should never be allowed around the girls, the abusers ex wife testified that he has no visitation with his own daughter because she alleged molestation, the court appointed therapist stated strongly that he should never be allowed around them and also stated that the little girl was once again saying it happened. The little one finally got up the nerve to tell her mom to her face what happened and mom freaked and told her she was ruining everything and now she was never going to be with her again. She also instructed all the girls to stop speaking to the counselor. Today was the big day in court, we were so relieved for an end in sight. Well we keep custody but now the molester is allowed around on weekends and the judge will review in 3 months. How did this happen? We have the best lawyer in the area and all those professionals saying this is unsafe. This poor little girl is going to be thrust around this man without anyone around who believes her or will protect her. How could the court think this is okay? There is no closure and our lives are still up in the air. Another court date means more legal fees. Is the judge just waiting for her to be molested again? We are going to try to appeal, but it is just such a disappointing outcome.
Can you find out if the boyfriend/offender is on parole/probation of any sort? If so, quickly inform his case worker, parole officer and the judge who granted parole/probation. This won't affect the custody issue but it will help prevent contact with the boyfriend.
WTH? Understand, after my husband's experiences (which did not, thank God, include allegations of sexual abuse but DID include false allegations of basic physical abuse) I am always slow to believe that accusations are true just because they're sensational/sympathetic. But even as an anti-band-wagon type, these three things scream out at me:
1- What kind of mother chooses BF over kids? If my ex were making allegations about my husband that I deeply believed were false, I'd fight for the truth to come out, but I'd also tell him he needed to go stay in a hotel until things were resolved, before I'd VOLUNTARILY AGREE to move my KIDS out of my house!! In fact, I wouldn't have to ASK him. He would never expect me to separate from my children, for his sake. I wouldn't be the wife and mother he thought he married, if I'd be willing to do that. Your husband's ex's screwed-up priorities alone are cause for concern.
2- If the reaction you describe is accurate and complete (i.e., if the Mom hasn't had any reactions you're not privy to), what mother hears that her child may have been molested and doesn't have a complete freak-out, wanting to stop the world to make sure it's true and, if so, to kill the person that did it!?
3- Bottom line: There either IS or ISN'T sufficient evidence to make the judge concerned for the kids' welfare. That your husband has retained custody suggests there IS - in which case the kids MUST be protected ALL the time, not just during the week! If there ISN'T, then what's the justification for not returning the kids to the Mom, if the judge truly believes the molestation never happened and the girls aren't in danger?
However it happens, whichever side is wrong, judicial incompetence makes me SOOOO angry!! You're right: it sounds like the BF's being given a second chance to molest, to find out for sure whether it happened in the first place. How absolutely insufferable, to experiment with children like that.
i do not have any advice just lots of
Jeannine, you totally summed up how we feel. I always say that we might never know if the abuse actually happened, but the mom's response to all this is sickening. Even if I believed my child lied about the molestation it would cause many red flags that would make me want to get help for her. Why would she lie? At 6 years old how does she know the detailed sexual information she gave? I would be doing everything I could to figure it out. My fiance says the same thing as you...if my daughter ever accused him of anything he would be out the door before I even had to ask. He would give me all the time in the world to sort things out. It is all just so frustrating. The sick part is my fiance has no right to protect his own daughter. If he doesn't let her go then he is in contempt and will owe money and eventually serve jail time. If he is in jail the girls go back to their mom and they have no protection at all. Hopefully we can get an appeal trial before the 12th which is the next time they see their mom.
Can you tell your dsd to cling to her mother like glue for the whole weekend? Or could she be old enough to have a phone to call 911 if there's any bad touching?
Sigh, of course both of those require that her mother wants to protect her.
Her mother's bizarre reaction is the main reason I'm thinking the accusations are true. But maybe it isn't the BF who is doing the abusing?