DS to be ring bearer in their wedding, ya right - Mothering Forums
Blended and Step Family Parenting > DS to be ring bearer in their wedding, ya right
WinterPearl's Avatar WinterPearl 06:06 PM 03-16-2010
Wow, I don’t even know where to begin; this is probably just going to be a rant full of run on sentences, lol.
Back story: Brake up with X after 4 months of dating 3 of which I was pregnant for, claimed it wasn’t his. Got with DP about a month after but we’ve know each other before I ever conceived, he knew DS wasn’t his. Xs’ parents come see me and DS in hospital after birth, X still claims not his. It takes almost a year at establish paternity and child support, I was/am on public assistance so I had to, all the while X is denying that DS is his. After paternity was established I tried to set up visitations by having X call my nann at least one week ahead of time to meet on the next weekend. For some reason that was to complicated of a concept for him which resulted in only 9 occasions that X has even seen DS in his 3 years of existence as of next week. He has also only paid 9 months of support for DS, which I really don’t care about anyways, just throwing it out there.

So now a few months ago X and his new fiancee take turns messaging me through myspace (just like they do around all holidays) requesting visitations, I explain that he needs to find some sort of program that will help mediate rules and what-not because we obviously can’t seem to see eye to eye on the matter. The only replies I gotten in regards to my request are more myspace messages telling me how that’s not right, and I’m only hurting my son by wanting to go through mediation or whatever to handle this.
Anyways a few weeks ago Xs fiancee sends me a message stating that they want DS to be the ring bearer in their wedding this April and that only me a DS are to come, my fiance is not to be anywhere near the wedding, but also in this message she berates my parenting and tells me that I shouldn’t be letting DP control me and a bunch of other stuff……….ya, ok. So my stance on the whole subject is to just not reply and let them sort it our on their own that we aren’t gonna be at the wedding. Oh and they are remembering DSs birthday this year because in one of the messages I mentioned that they forgot his birthday last year and Xs parents stopped by my nanns house that day and they didn’t even know what day it was.
Well my head feels like mush, so I’m gonna go ahead and post it and see if anyone has any advice, wants to drop in .02 or a thumbs up or down, lol.

Smithie's Avatar Smithie 07:25 PM 03-16-2010
Your instinct is basically right. I'd send a certified letter to their house (and keep a copy and the receipt!), telling them that you are open at any time to going to mediation to establish a formal visitation arrangement. Then ignore them thoroughly. Chances are they will never pull it together enough to actually hire a mediator and bring you to the table. I'd also take your grandma out of the mix - it's not fair to her. Tell her to refer all communication to you, and have the same emotional-free conversation over and over again until it sinks in: "I'm open to mediation. Have the mediator contact me. Click."

It is a real pity that you named this guy as the father. I realize that social services must have pressured you a great deal, and I don't blame you at all, but hopefully you can pass along the info to anybody you know who ever winds up in the same boat - it is DISGUSTING and IMMORAL for a government official to coerce you into naming your former sex partners if you should find yourself needing financial assistance. They don't exactly go banging on the doors of single mothers who DON'T apply for help! It's OK to lie about this. You were drunk, you were assaulted, it was a Bangladeshi exchange student who went home last month - WHATEVER.

If you know somebody is a loser before the baby is even born, for pete's sake don't do anything to tie that man to your baby. No amount of $$ you might get from the guy is going to compensate for that long-term pain and hassle. (And again, NOT your fault, it happens to so many people, I really just hope that somebody will see this thread and make a different choice when their own baby comes along.)
pinksprklybarefoot 07:26 PM 03-16-2010
There is a lot going on here, but my first thought is that at this point in your relationship (I use that term loosely) as co-parents, all negotiations, communications, whatehaveyou should be between you, your DS's father, and your respective lawyers (if applicable). Fiancees, partners, family members, etc. should all stay out of it.

Heck, DH and I have been doing the blended family thing for several years now, and even though we all get along well, I stay out of any negotiations with DSD's mom.

To me, it sounds like you need a mediated/court-ordered parenting agreement - the casual thing does not seem to be working so well.

In your shoes, I would also request that all communications be to an email address that you set up specifically for communicating with them. And tell your ex that you will only respond to him, not his fiancee. Makes it easier to keep things all together in the event of a legal battle. Also, mySpace is not as popular as it once was - I wouldn't want to risk it being shut down and you being left without any documentation.

If you wanted to extend an olive branch of some sort and you have a trusted baby-sitter/neutral family member that will just stay out of things, you could send your DS to the wedding provided that they pay this person for his/her time in advance. In your shoes, I would not personally attend the wedding unless your partner can be present. You deserve an ally at an event like that.
WinterPearl's Avatar WinterPearl 08:21 PM 03-16-2010
Smithie - Thank you for being understanding. To tell you the truth, 2 3/4 years ago when I went into the Child Services office I didn't expect it to turn out like this. I had hopes of X getting over whatever bad taste he had in this mouth and being civil and able to communicate respectfully about these things, and I sure as heck didn't expect my DP to stand up to the plate like he did and really take the whole daddy position like he did. I really wish I could go back and let myself know.

pinksprklybarefoot - I am pretty much on that page that your describing. I took my nann out of the picture about a year ago for many reasons but sometimes she still tries to be the mediator. I have been saving all the messages to my computer, but I guess a personal email might be a better idea incase anything happens to my computer also, thank you.
I have tried to extend may of olive branches in the past but for the most part get shot down, and to be honest we don't have anyone who would be willing to even come to our house for an evening to babysit let alone chaperon him to a wedding, almost everyone we know dislikes X and his family more than we do.
Not to mention I think that I forgot to add the fact that I'm not even sure if DS is up to a task such as that. For starters he has a communication delay and has night terrors when over stimulated during the day, and he's just about to be 3 but still looks and acts very much like your typical 2 yr.

Thanks you for the replys.
Lilypie32's Avatar Lilypie32 11:27 PM 03-16-2010
That sounds like a complete nightmare. If I were in your shoes I would just block them on myspace and not speak to them at all. If the BD is interested in visitation let him go to court for it. You DS should not be a show piece.

pinksprklybarefoot 01:46 PM 03-18-2010
Originally Posted by WinterPearl View Post
Not to mention I think that I forgot to add the fact that I'm not even sure if DS is up to a task such as that. For starters he has a communication delay and has night terrors when over stimulated during the day, and he's just about to be 3 but still looks and acts very much like your typical 2 yr.
Given this info, I would definitely keep him home.
lilyka's Avatar lilyka 12:26 AM 04-04-2010
Seriously...can you not block these people from your myspace/facebook accounts? At this point I don't see any reason to talk to them until he is ready to legally set up regular visitation and support.....and it needs to be between you and him. not his fiance. on myspace. that is how teenagers get business done. not parents and adults.
chaoticzenmom's Avatar chaoticzenmom 01:32 PM 04-06-2010
If I were you, I'd block them and anyone associated with them from your myspace account. They're not friends. Then, I'd not have any communications with X that weren't in writing. NO contact with the future Step-mother. Don't start this pattern of her being the go-between between you and your ex where your son is concerned. That's going to be a mess in the future when your son wants his father to show interest, but it's his wife that does. You don't owe her anything at this point. Ignore her and only respond to X.

You know that she's the one pushing this. You've got this cute little kid and she would like to fool herself that her future husband is a good father. What better way to do that than to play house with this child. Make HIM do it. The only way to do that is to not respond to her and make him put everything in writing.

Maybe you could remind her of how much back child support he owes and that going to court would actually be nice for you. And while you're at it, there are some other things to address that didn't get taken care of last time. You start imposing on her future family, she's going to back off. If she's truly committed to being a family with your son, then she's going to be willing to make a TRUE commitment. You've made things too easy thus far.

IT's time to start some assertiveness training. There are lots of books about it on Amazon. Get one and read it, practice it. Tightlipped people have more power, don't talk a lot. Don't explain yourself or your motives. Just the facts. Say what you will do, but no explanation or accusation. Who cares who you've been in the past, NOW, you're a strong, assertive woman who will not be pushed over by ex and his wife where your son is concerned.