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I need help! New DSD and Me....

1K views 4 replies 4 participants last post by  Zarie 
#1 ·
Long time lurker, first time poster :p

I would really value some advice on how to change my attitude towards DSD.

Background; I was friends with now DH and his ex wife when they were married. They separated, and given time we decided to try a relationship. The kiddies knew me from the earlier friendship and I knew and adored them.

Do we have ex wife issues? SURE DO! But hey... its expected given the situation.

DSD is 4 and DSS is 3. I just adore DSS. I love him so much I could squeeze him into oblivion every time I look at him! He is just... amazing. Stubborn! But amazing.

DSD... is the most difficult and confusing little wonder Ive ever come across. I have a huge background in nannying and never had a problem connecting with kids, nor did I have a problem with mine and hers connection prior to DH and mines relationship. I know it has only been a short life for her, and hence our relationship must seem very short to her.

She screams constantly. She is jealous of me and DH (we rarely show affection towards each other to minimise her discomfort... which Im fine with). We do all those supportive things to help her with the adjustment. She lives full time with her Mum, and we have them EOW and half the school holidays - or as appropriate.

She says really strange things for attention... which I know to be normal, but she constantly says them =/ Ie: ive just gone poo's in my knickers (she hadnt), Mummy doesnt love me when Im at daddy's (we call mum regularly so she can have reasssurance), Mimi hit me (Mimi is me... she wanted to call me mummy but we asked her to help find a different special name, because mummy is her only mummy).. I didnt hit her. Never have.

She has one on one time with her daddy. She screams if her brother gets any attention from either of us. She screams if he gets dinner as well as her, she screams if... well... anything occurs.

We let the kids know every morning what to expect for the day, and re confirm it during the day, as theyre very young and cant remember all of that information.

Im starting to feel at my wits end. DH is very supportive. But I just find myself very resentful at the moment, and am struggling to feel emotion for her. How can I change this before it starts to do damage to us all?

Please help! Any tips on how to manage DSD a bit better, and how to change my feelings would be awesome please!

Thank you
 
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#2 ·
Four is a tough age for a lot of kids. When my ds was four, I felt like running away from home many, many times. And what she's doing is pretty typical for her situation, too.

Some of the mamas on here have a lot more experience with the jealousy than I do- my dp's kids' mom only shows up for visits every three months or so, giving me "mom" status. But his oldest, 8 yo dd, tries to get between us a lot and expresses that her dad "always pays attention to A (me)" I think what helps in our situation is that he makes us a team. This might make it worse in some families, but for us, they seem to feel comfortable with the "we are adults and we will have adult conversations without kids interrupting" speech. Your sd is too young for speeches, obviously, but I was thinking that you guys may want to try NOT avoiding appropriate affectionate behavior around her. Her feelings are important, but on the other hand, you didn't do anything wrong, and is it really helping her to control others' behavior?
 
#3 ·
We had lots of jealousy issues in the beginning when DSS was 5, too. He'd squeeze his way in between us as we sat together, or he'd unclasp our hands if we held hands and then hold his dad's hand. That sort of thing. You'll be happy to know that it can all go away. I'm sure part of the healing was time, but part also had to be building a relationship with each kid and me. If I'm part of the fun, then it's harder to see me as competition. In our case, we'd have one kid have Daddy alone time while the other had alone time with me. We also, on a couple occasions, made sure DH had to leave the house before bedtime so I could do the whole bedtime ritual with each of them and tuck them in. Bedtime is such an intimacy and it's so important, and at first when we were both there they'd pick him, since they were more used to him. Once I did bedtime with them once or twice, it became totally normal and we could switch off.

One last thing that helped was the jealousy that worked in my favor. For example, if I took care of the baby, then DSS would eventually get jealous that I only paid attention to his sister (while I was letting him be with his dad, which he clearly preferred at first), and so he'd try to get my attention to compete with his sister. This took a little while but once it kicked in we were able to act much more as a family. I don't encounter any of that jealous behavior from them anymore. I mean, yes, DSD (5) might run up and kiss her dad if she sees me kiss her dad, but then, sometimes when I kiss her dad she'll run up and kiss me, so at least it works both ways.
 
#4 ·
Does it help any if I tell you one of my children did that from age 3-5 and there is no step-parent story with her?

How about some Rescue Remedy for now? Put a few drops in your water bottle and sip throughout the day...it will help change your perspective for now.
 
#5 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Kindermama View Post
Does it help any if I tell you one of my children did that from age 3-5 and there is no step-parent story with her?

How about some Rescue Remedy for now? Put a few drops in your water bottle and sip throughout the day...it will help change your perspective for now.
Firstly, thanks to the other two posters! It does help hearing other peoples experiences, and lets me know its not behaviour that is out of the ordinary!

As for the lady ive just quoted... well...

Thanks! It might sound stupid but sometimes a little rescue remedy does help :p I tried it, and strangely it did calm my nerves alot and let me breathe a bit deeper. Thanks for letting me know its not just a stepparent thing. I really appreciate the honesty!
 
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