DH is not even trying to like my kids. Its getting ugly. Please help - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 31 Old 04-16-2010, 04:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
Jezzy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,199
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hi! I am going to *try* my best not to turn this into a novel... Please forgive any mistakes (NAK)

I will get to the facts. Dh has asked me twice to have my ds. 17 and dd 14 move in with their father. He lives in the same town as we do. I told him if they go then I go with the baby too. Now its getting ugly.

We have known eachother for over 10 years. We have been dating for 4. We decided to have a baby together and now we have dd 2 ( 2 years old) We have been living together for 3 years. Married for 1, Not once in this time has he done anything with my kids. He hates them for some unknown reason. They are never around and are always with their friends. In fact dd goes to boarding school and is only here every other weekend. So I don't know what his problem is anyway. They are NEVEr here!!

Whenever ds comes into a room dd doesn't even acknowledge the fact. Doesn't even look up or say hi.

Yesterday when ds was home for dinner dh didn't eat until he left the table.

DS hasn't noticed yet

No one in his family (clan) accepts us. They will call to wish the f'in dog happy birthday but no one called on my sons birthday. :-( His mother has more than once not introduced me to people. She has just flipped on past me like I am not there whild introducing others and dh thinks this is ok

He spends more time with his parents and doesn't go anywhere without telling them where (they live almost in our back yard) He has more to say to thim in 10 min. then he has to say to me in a week. another problem is that his mother doesn't respect any boundaries or private space and comes over every frickin day. Just shows up in our yard. She has even let herself in the house. DH thinks that this is fine

Over easter my kids were with their dad- It was his weekend. Saturday night we came home and lights were on in the basement. It was his dad petting the dogs. Monday we came home from dinner and the tv was on and it was one of my kids. He said "they should at least call before coming over" and was really mad.dd just wanted to say happy easter

The ils are another HUGE problem especially her. She has NO respect for my position as his wife or the mother of my dd. She even let herself in when my midwife was here and started telling her *she*wasn't going for a walk with the baby until the weather was nicer. What should *she* buy for formula she couldn't b-feed and I won't be able too either. ( 2 years later we are still b'fing ) Every time she gets the chance she keeps telling dd what a hard mean mama I am... No one says anything to her and I get in trouble when I defend myself. Everyone (sil, bil, dh ect ect) are mad at me because I won't leave dd alone with her... They think somehow it is her right to have her just because they live next to us. Whenever mil is around I have a HUGE instinct to protect my dd.. I have NEVER experienced this with my other two children.

dh is getting nasty to me.. last night when picking up poop in the yard he said to me next time whem you come out in the yard put other shoes on ( I had my shoes on that I wear in the house) Daily he says things like this to me...
I think his mother has a HUGE influence on how he treats me. I am also sure that all problems would be solved if I had a "time share" with the mil with dd. It seems everyone thought she would be raising dd.. Even if I did trust her she is 73!!! and my dd is a handful!

I know what I should do. leave but I am in a foreign country with no family here. I have about 10,000 dollars but its all tied up in a cd for another 2 years. If I left here my 2 older kids wouldn't go with... They are at home here.. I am feeling so trapped..

My kids aren't bad and I am not sure why dh hates them. He can't even say why. Just says he can't adjust...

Thanks for reading this til the end. I have no one here to talk to all my friends were his friends first and I am not sure I can trust them....
Jezzy is offline  
#2 of 31 Old 04-16-2010, 06:01 AM
 
griffin2004's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: On permanent holiday
Posts: 2,436
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jezzy View Post
We have known eachother for over 10 years. We have been dating for 4. We decided to have a baby together and now we have dd 2 ( 2 years old) We have been living together for 3 years. Married for 1, Not once in this time has he done anything with my kids. He hates them for some unknown reason.
Sorry, I'm confused. Has he always acted like this toward your teenagers or is this a recent development?

A couple of questions for you: How does he act toward your baby? Does he have any other children?

I'm sorry you're feeling so isolated and helpless. It's tough to feel like the only options available are all bad ones.

wild.gif  kickin' it old school
griffin2004 is offline  
#3 of 31 Old 04-16-2010, 06:20 AM - Thread Starter
 
Jezzy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,199
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thank you for answering!! Sorry it is so confusing and jumbled. Thats how I am feeling right now..

He has never showed a huge interest in the teens. He acceped them though and didn't ignore them.

As for how he us with the lo... He in over 2 years has maybe changed 5 diapers and that was in the first 6 months... He has never changed her into her pajamas ir has gotten her dressed in the morning. He has never given her a bath ir gas brushed her teeth. He rarely has played with her.. I have also never left dd with him.. The first thing he would do is walk out the door and go to his parents.. Thats the only time he seems to really enjoy her is when his parents are around..

Dh is rarely home. He has his own business and works a lot.. If he is not working he is playing. Dh has a drinking problem.. He isnt mean to us when he is drunk...

I know that step relationships arent always easy.. This is just horrible. I am pretty sure that if we didn't have a baby together he would have kicked us to the curb by now..
Jezzy is offline  
#4 of 31 Old 04-16-2010, 06:22 AM - Thread Starter
 
Jezzy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,199
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
He has no other children. He and his ex wife tried but it didnt work..
Jezzy is offline  
#5 of 31 Old 04-16-2010, 06:38 AM
 
Theia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 2,948
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Are you able to speak the local language at all? I believe that most countries have domestic violence shelters as well as assistance for victims of DV. The laws may depend upon if you or any of your DC are citizens of your current residential country. A substance abuse relationship isn't a safe place to raise your DC. So look into resources available to you, and plan accordingly. It doesn't sound like a healthy situation for you or any of your DC. Please seek help. Best wishes.
Theia is offline  
#6 of 31 Old 04-16-2010, 06:49 AM - Thread Starter
 
Jezzy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,199
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thank you for caring

I do speak fluent German.. All of my children are german/american citizens.. I have been procastinating about going to get help. My biggest concern us that I will be forced to give my baby up for visitation.. We have never have been seperated. I am also afraid that something will happen to her..

I have also been looking for a letter that he got from a doctor stating that his liver is severly damaged due to alcohol..

I feel so sorry for my kids.. They are in general good kids. Not into any trouble. Just a little lazy when it comes to helping around the house..

Weekends when the teens are at their dads he is a totally different person.
Jezzy is offline  
#7 of 31 Old 04-16-2010, 06:57 AM
 
Theia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 2,948
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
You seem familiar to me.... were you in the Feb08 DDC?

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. I would go seek legal advice as a consult. What would your DC's visitation be given your present situation. Can you seek a legal consult so you at least know what you are up against?
Theia is offline  
#8 of 31 Old 04-16-2010, 07:00 AM
 
beckyand3littlemonsters's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Leeds, England
Posts: 3,277
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
, sorry your going through this and your dc it's awful how your dh is being with your children and your il's as well.
I know it doesn't mean much but if you were closer to me i would've have been more than happy to give you a roof over your's and your dd's head till you could sort yourself out.
I hope you can find a way to get you and your dd. and other dc away from this toxic family.

Becky, sahm to angel.gif25/04/2000 Chloe 12/04/2002 Cameron 19/02/2004 Caitlin 28/06/2005 angel.gif24/07/2006 and Caden 14/03/2008

Xander 19/05/2011
angel.gif 19.05.2012 angel.gif 18.08.2012 angel.gif 24.05.2013 angel.gif 25.6.2013 belly.gif 04.09.2014 uc.jpg

beckyand3littlemonsters is offline  
#9 of 31 Old 04-16-2010, 07:03 AM - Thread Starter
 
Jezzy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,199
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Yes Theia i was in that ddc.. I havent been around here in awhile..

I will be making an appointment to find out what my rights are. Sunce we weren't married when she was born I automatically got custody. Maybe that will be in my favor..
Jezzy is offline  
#10 of 31 Old 04-16-2010, 07:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
Jezzy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,199
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Becky. Thank you! You made me cry..

Dh was just here. Totally happy and nice.. Why oh why do I forget so quickly the way he is most of the time?
Jezzy is offline  
#11 of 31 Old 04-16-2010, 07:46 AM
 
beckyand3littlemonsters's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Leeds, England
Posts: 3,277
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jezzy View Post
Becky. Thank you! You made me cry..

Dh was just here. Totally happy and nice.. Why oh why do I forget so quickly the way he is most of the time?
oh sorry didn't mean to make you cry

I hope he stays like this for you hun, you and your dc don't deserve to be treated so badly.

Becky, sahm to angel.gif25/04/2000 Chloe 12/04/2002 Cameron 19/02/2004 Caitlin 28/06/2005 angel.gif24/07/2006 and Caden 14/03/2008

Xander 19/05/2011
angel.gif 19.05.2012 angel.gif 18.08.2012 angel.gif 24.05.2013 angel.gif 25.6.2013 belly.gif 04.09.2014 uc.jpg

beckyand3littlemonsters is offline  
#12 of 31 Old 04-16-2010, 08:23 AM
 
rabbitmum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Norway
Posts: 981
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm sorry that you are in such an awful situation! It sounds like a main part of the problem is that your husband is in the pocket of his mother who hasn't accepted that he is grown up and has a family, where she is not the central person. It is a shame that you are living so close to his parents. Do you think he would agree to going to councelling at all? Whether you are staying with him or not it sounds like that could be a good idea. I wish you good luck!
rabbitmum is offline  
#13 of 31 Old 04-16-2010, 08:41 AM - Thread Starter
 
Jezzy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,199
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It was a happy cry Becky!!

I don't think he would even consider counceling...

He won't stay like this. His mood has always changed as fast as the weather..
Jezzy is offline  
#14 of 31 Old 04-16-2010, 08:55 AM
 
VocalMinority's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: surrounded by testosterone
Posts: 1,306
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jezzy View Post
We have known each other for over 10 years. We have been dating for 4. We decided to have a baby together and now we have dd 2 ( 2 years old) We have been living together for 3 years. Married for 1, Not once in this time has he done anything with my kids. He hates them for some unknown reason.
So, what made you decide to have a baby with him?

To be honest, I haven't read the rest of your post. Based on this alone, you have a problem that may be unfixable. You cannot expect your husband to be a different person than he's been the last 10 years. You can leave or you can stay, either way. (It stinks for your baby, if you leave. I assume he and the baby DO love each other and they'll spend less time together if the marriage ends. On the other hand, it sounds like the baby will learn some pretty disturbing lessons about what marriage and family are supposed to look like, if you stay. So, six of one, half-dozen of the other.)

But if you leave, do it because you have decided you must have a better life and make better choices.

Don't do it in hopes of motivating your husband to see the error of his ways and change.

Don't do it to punish him for continuing to be the same person you chose to make a part of of your kids' lives.

One woman in a house full of men:  my soul mate:    or... twin sons:(HS seniors) ... step-son:  (a sophomore) ... our little man:   (a first grader) ... and there is another female in the house, after all:  our
VocalMinority is online now  
#15 of 31 Old 04-16-2010, 09:06 AM - Thread Starter
 
Jezzy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,199
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Jeannine. It hasn't always been this bad. If he were like this in the beginning I would have never gone through with this..

I know i can't change him... I would never punish him for not being there for the kids.

If you would have read the whole post you would have read just how involved he is with his daughter. He isn't the only time he seems to enjoy his daughter is when his parents are around.
Jezzy is offline  
#16 of 31 Old 04-16-2010, 09:15 AM
 
beckyand3littlemonsters's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Leeds, England
Posts: 3,277
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jezzy View Post
It was a happy cry Becky!!

I don't think he would even consider counceling...

He won't stay like this. His mood has always changed as fast as the weather..
Oh good i was worried i'd said something to upset you.


Becky, sahm to angel.gif25/04/2000 Chloe 12/04/2002 Cameron 19/02/2004 Caitlin 28/06/2005 angel.gif24/07/2006 and Caden 14/03/2008

Xander 19/05/2011
angel.gif 19.05.2012 angel.gif 18.08.2012 angel.gif 24.05.2013 angel.gif 25.6.2013 belly.gif 04.09.2014 uc.jpg

beckyand3littlemonsters is offline  
#17 of 31 Old 04-16-2010, 11:00 AM
 
PoppyMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: In my own delusions.
Posts: 3,305
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
So you are stuck in a foreign country with an alcoholic who already has liver damage and you have no resources for the next two years...

I would head over to the alanon groups at soberrecovery.com and learn to detach (from him and his parents) and other skills that are helpful for living with an addict and then "set him free". Make it easy for him to go out and drink more and then maybe his liver will fail completely. My children's father is an addict and our lives would have been better if I had made it easier for him to kill himself instead of trying to get him help.

I also do not recommend marriage counseling with a mean alcoholic.
PoppyMama is offline  
#18 of 31 Old 04-16-2010, 11:11 AM - Thread Starter
 
Jezzy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,199
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
PoppyMama... I have never stopped hom once from going out. He is gone 5 out of 7 nights. On average. For some reason its been a little less lately. Thanks so much for the link.. Heading over there right now
Jezzy is offline  
#19 of 31 Old 04-17-2010, 11:00 PM
 
VocalMinority's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: surrounded by testosterone
Posts: 1,306
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jezzy View Post
Jeannine. It hasn't always been this bad. If he were like this in the beginning I would have never gone through with this..

I know i can't change him... I would never punish him for not being there for the kids.

If you would have read the whole post you would have read just how involved he is with his daughter. He isn't the only time he seems to enjoy his daughter is when his parents are around.
I don't mean to seem insensitive. Even painful and upsetting things that we get ourselves into are still painful and upsetting! Nor do I feel superior - I've gotten myself into painful and upsetting things before, too.

But, even if the problems with your husband have escalated, I still hear you saying that from the beginning - before you moved in, had a baby with him or married him - he showed little interest in your kids and now he shows little interest in the kid you had together and he has asked you to send your older ones to live somewhere else. That sounds consistent, on his part.

Yet, you seem to be focusing on what a jerk he is ("He's not even trying to like my kids", etc.) as though his crummy character is news to you, or as though discussing it and getting good advice might resolve it. "He's not even trying" really does suggest that you think he could try harder, not that you're focused on your own poor choice in picking him and that you're resolved to leave and make better choices.

I don't begrudge you the chance to vent. God knows, women need that and it's one of the things girlfriends (and forums like this) are for. But my most valued friends are the ones who've had the guts to tell me not just, "Go, girl! Dump him and find the man you deserve!", but who have given me constructive criticism that truly helped me make a better life for myself and my kids. So, here's mine, for you: Make yourself stop thinking about what a jerk he is - and what jerks his family members are. That doesn't matter. You can't change him, or them. You can change yourself and the choices that you make, which affect your children. Be strong enough for hard introspection. You made a crummy decision, making a baby with a guy who didn't care that much about the babies you already had. If, at present, he truly doesn't contribute any more to the life of your baby than he would if he only had visitation - and if he's detrimental to the lives of your older kids - then be strong enough to leave him. Be strong enough to take responsibility for your choices and to choose better, in future. People here are behind you - and I'm sure plenty of other people in your life are, too - even "his" friends, if they know what he's really like, as a husband and father.

One woman in a house full of men:  my soul mate:    or... twin sons:(HS seniors) ... step-son:  (a sophomore) ... our little man:   (a first grader) ... and there is another female in the house, after all:  our
VocalMinority is online now  
#20 of 31 Old 04-18-2010, 10:59 AM
 
mtiger's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 2,377
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
ITA with Jeannine.
mtiger is offline  
#21 of 31 Old 04-18-2010, 11:29 AM
 
EarthMamaToBe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Sunny, SC
Posts: 564
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am not trying to be mean but if he hates you kids then why on earth did you marry him?
EarthMamaToBe is offline  
#22 of 31 Old 04-18-2010, 12:50 PM
 
Friendlee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 579
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I felt compelled to type this whole long answer...then I was relieved to see that Jeannine said it all for me. Sadly, she's exactly right. This was a poor choice of men and he gave you indications of this from the start. You were clouded with fuzzy feelings of smitten-ness I'm guessing.

But, now it's time to
1. accept your part of the responsibility in the matter
2. make a firm decision about what you'll do now (I don't say this lightly, but I think you should leave)
3. and act on your decision in order to find a new normal for the baby.
Friendlee is offline  
#23 of 31 Old 04-18-2010, 01:56 PM
 
zinemama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: from the fire roads to the interstate
Posts: 6,569
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Yep, I agree with pp. It's too bad that you're in this situation, but it's a situation of your making, one that you had ample warning of. So now is the time to step up and take action about it, before your baby comes to see this as an acceptable adult partnership. And so that your older children can be proud of you for (finally) putting them before a "father" figure who hates them.

Good luck!
zinemama is online now  
#24 of 31 Old 04-18-2010, 02:53 PM
 
samy23's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 1,442
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by EarthMamaToBe View Post
I am not trying to be mean but if he hates you kids then why on earth did you marry him?
I don't understand why you married him or had a relationship with him when from the start he ignored your older kids.... that didn't seem wrong to you, or bad for the kids?

I'm a single mom and would never put my dd in that situation, having a step dad who hates her or ignores her all the time? That must be terrible.

It you are thinking about leaving him, want some advice on this, I would suggest you make a post on the single parenting forum, lots of good help over there from mamas who have been in bad situations and got out...even if you are in a foreign country.

You said your older 2 children wouldn't move back if you left that country, but that their dad had them at easter, does that mean their father lives in Germany too?

Mom    wash.gif  bikenew.gifgeek.gifdishes.gif

samy23 is offline  
#25 of 31 Old 04-18-2010, 06:57 PM
 
PoppyMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: In my own delusions.
Posts: 3,305
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
It seems like a common expectation that step-parents (especially step-fathers) will grow to care for their step-children and that it's not something you can expect right off the bat so I don't think it was an outrageous assumption that he would make an effort and grow to at least be tolerant of her older children. Everyone here hates the "I told you so" for the step-parents and I think it's unnecessary here as well.
PoppyMama is offline  
#26 of 31 Old 04-19-2010, 02:32 AM
 
CliffRose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: The Desert
Posts: 67
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jezzy View Post
Thank you for answering!! Sorry it is so confusing and jumbled. Thats how I am feeling right now..

He has never showed a huge interest in the teens. He acceped them though and didn't ignore them.

As for how he us with the lo... He in over 2 years has maybe changed 5 diapers and that was in the first 6 months... He has never changed her into her pajamas ir has gotten her dressed in the morning. He has never given her a bath ir gas brushed her teeth. He rarely has played with her.. I have also never left dd with him.. The first thing he would do is walk out the door and go to his parents.. Thats the only time he seems to really enjoy her is when his parents are around..

Dh is rarely home. He has his own business and works a lot.. If he is not working he is playing. Dh has a drinking problem.. He isnt mean to us when he is drunk...

I know that step relationships arent always easy.. This is just horrible. I am pretty sure that if we didn't have a baby together he would have kicked us to the curb by now..
That's not right. None of it. You need to get out of there ASAP. Can your family help you?
I was in an abusive marriage for nearly 3 years, and in the last year, I started keeping notes of all the wrong things that were happening, kept in a safely hidden notebook. By the end, my mom was in contact with a social worker.
I was thinking about leaving sometime after christmas 2007, and ended up leaving one morning, when I just couldn't take it anymore. My son was 2 1/2. I stayed at some friend's place untill I moved to my own place, and got a restraining order, which was lifted after 1 week. I knew my husband would freak out when he realized we had left, and I wanted to prevent him from doing something stupid.
Being a single mom is hard, but better than being in an abusive relationship. 2 years later, I am now in an amazing relationship with a great guy, a single dad, who loves me, helps me, and treats me with respect.
You can have a happy life

"That boy, Frank, he lives inside his own heart. That's a real big place to live." ~ Karl Childers (Billy Bob Thornton) in Sling Blade
CliffRose is offline  
#27 of 31 Old 04-19-2010, 02:14 PM
 
mama2toomany's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: MN
Posts: 3,295
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I just want to say, that I understand that a intimate relationship can turn people into something they are not normally.

My mother chose a man over all of her 5 children. The same man, he wanted nothing to do with his gfs teenage children.

I to this day have a hard time connecting with my mother, I try for my kids sake, but my brothers refuse to talk to her and resent her for choosing a man over them.

She is still with this man, and It baffles me that she loves him more then us, I know you say you love your kids more, anyone would, but from your lack of action it looks differently, especially to your kids.

You might think they don't notice, but they do.

Loving Dh, Mama x 4, Surrogate mother to 5. A born 2003, M and R girl/girl twins 2006, S and C boy/girl twins born 2010. Processing/healing.
mama2toomany is offline  
#28 of 31 Old 04-19-2010, 04:02 PM
 
VocalMinority's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: surrounded by testosterone
Posts: 1,306
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by PoppyMama View Post
Everyone here hates the "I told you so" for the step-parents and I think it's unnecessary here as well.
In addressing your choice of husband, Jezzy, my intent was not to shame you ("I told you so"), but to acknowledge a truth of human behavior: It is difficult, if not impossible, to get ourselves out of a rut - and keep ourselves from falling back into similar ones - if we do not see and understand our own mistakes, weaknesses or misguided thinking, which led us there in the first place.

ALL of us, at one time or another, have needed to make a major and frightening change in our lives and have postponed figuring out how to do it and instead spent our time and energy analyzing how bad other people in our lives were and what they should change. After all, if the others would just act as we think they should, there'd be no need for US to make changes!

But, in the end, the most important thing is not that you can get people to agree with you about your husband and in-laws. (I mean, sure - it sounds like the parents are overbearing, presumptuous, insensitive and disrespectful of you. Your husband sounds like he never really moved away from his mommy.) But what matters more is, how are you going to live your life from here forward?

If your older kids' dad is also in Germany, then staying in Germany sure sounds like the best plan, for now! Other women before you have somehow managed to get divorced, in that country. Unless you have some really unusual circumstances, some form of child support and a division of marital assets will be available to you; possibly even spousal support and an order for your husband to help with your attorney's fees, since you are the primary caregiver of a child too young to attend school. Even if you're not a citizen, your kids are, right? They/you might be entitled to some type of public assistance, once you left your husband. Some attorneys will let you make payment plans, so you don't have to hand over all your savings up front - especially if you'll need it to live on, for a while. Research the laws yourself, before you hire an attorney. Know what your rights are and what you'll need to prove; to request; and to defend yourself against. All of that is a lot of work. Much better to turn your energy to that, rather than continuing to be upset about your husband not trying hard enough. If he were capable of it - or willing - he would have.

Also important: Once you leave him - particularly with a baby in tow - you will be emotionally vulnerable and craving a partner. The more clarity you have about your own feelings, needs, weaknesses, blindness that led you to the last guy, the less likely you will be to jump right back into a crummy NEW relationship. Neither you nor your kids need any more of that.

One more thought: I think you mentioned reservations about seeking a divorce because you'll have to hand over "your" baby, for visitation. Well, of course. I don't remember reading anything about your husband or his parents beating or molesting any of your kids. You're concerned about his drinking... but it sounds like if he had visitation, a lot of "his" time with the baby would involve his parents, so in effect he'd be supervised. You feel uncomfortable having your daughter around his mother, but you didn't state any concrete reason for that. Couldn't it be that you feel threatened and offended by her assumption that you would let her raise your baby for you? That would make me feel icky about her, too - but it doesn't mean the baby's unsafe around her. In fact, much as you dislike these people, they are your daughter's relatives and as she grows up, she may value her relationships with them. They evidently don't think much of you, either. That wouldn't justify them fighting to keep your baby away from you, in a divorce! So, the big question is which would be worse for your daughter: having visitation sometimes with her Dad and grandparents (but most of the time living a healthier, happier life with you); or growing up watching her Dad and grandparents be hateful to her Mom and older siblings and thinking this is what family life is supposed to look like?

One woman in a house full of men:  my soul mate:    or... twin sons:(HS seniors) ... step-son:  (a sophomore) ... our little man:   (a first grader) ... and there is another female in the house, after all:  our
VocalMinority is online now  
#29 of 31 Old 04-19-2010, 08:56 PM
 
sugarpop's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Northeast, USA
Posts: 530
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeannine View Post
So, the big question is which would be worse for your daughter: having visitation sometimes with her Dad and grandparents (but most of the time living a healthier, happier life with you); or growing up watching her Dad and grandparents be hateful to her Mom and older siblings and thinking this is what family life is supposed to look like?


I think Jeannine is on a roll...I know some of it sounds harsh but it sounds like it comes with good intentions. We (I) have made bad decisions and put myself in places that I wish I never was, getting out wasn't easy, but taking action was empowering and liberating.

You are your children's roll model. You teach your daughters what is acceptable. One more question to ask yourself...Would you be ok with your daughter allowing a man to treat her and her children the way your DH treats you and your children? If it isn't good enough for your daughter...then it isn't good enough for their mother, or your mother's daughter!


Sophia ~ 9/21 learning how to be crunchy mama. Uh oh, I just went over the crunch edge! ECing!! Planned ~ maybe next time : :
sugarpop is offline  
#30 of 31 Old 04-19-2010, 10:25 PM
 
shishkeberry's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: In Potions class, daydreaming...
Posts: 1,779
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mama2toomany View Post
I just want to say, that I understand that a intimate relationship can turn people into something they are not normally.

My mother chose a man over all of her 5 children. The same man, he wanted nothing to do with his gfs teenage children.

I to this day have a hard time connecting with my mother, I try for my kids sake, but my brothers refuse to talk to her and resent her for choosing a man over them.

She is still with this man, and It baffles me that she loves him more then us, I know you say you love your kids more, anyone would, but from your lack of action it looks differently, especially to your kids.

You might think they don't notice, but they do.
My mom did the same thing (married a man that hated us, her children) and neither of us (me, my brother, and sister) have a good relationship with her now. It's all very superficial. Things are better between us since she divorced him, but I wasn't stupid and I knew that for a long time he meant more to her than we did.

DS 8/4/04 "You're my best mommy in the deep blue sea!"
****5****10****15****20****25****30****35****40*
shishkeberry is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off