Ex getting remarried tomorow, I need some advice please - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 23 Old 04-18-2010, 10:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hey everyone,

I'm am so torn right now, I want to do the right thing, but I'm not sure what that is. My ex and I got married because I was pregnant. He started cheating on me 6 weeks later, with multiple women (including his ex, in our town of less than 1,000) and was also abusive to me (name calling in front og ds, I had no access to $$, wasnt allowed to choose my own toothbrush, giving me guilt trips about buying food because I wasn't employed, denying me access to the kitchen etc). I left him 2 years ago.

I've been doing my best to have a decent relationship with him, accepting his girlfriend (she is really nice after all), offering to change the custody schedule so he could take her out for their 1 year anniversary, even going as far as changing the date of ds's upcoming bday party so that her parents could attend (and by doing so, making it that my bf's daughter, who is also ds's friend wouldn't be able to be there), etc.

When we got married, he refused to buy and exchange rings, which really hurt me back then. He had all these "good" reasons... Now that he's getting remarried, he's gotten them rings. When I asked him (out of curiosity, and politely) why he changed his mind about rings, he replied "to prevent other women from having sex with me", followed by a smilie (we were on a chat). I am so hurt, insulted, and angry. I know that they're getting married tomorow (when I have ds), but not because they told me but because I heard from other people. Now, I just received an email (less than 24 hours before they get married) saying that's he's expecting to pick-up ds at 8:30am tomorow. Oh, and did I mention that I learned that they were getting married through Facebook? She (his gf) apologized, but he didn't. I feel this is a total masquerade and do not want my son participating in this, especially that I was never officially informed about when they were getting married. I'm at my bf's ranch, ex doesn't know where it is, there is no way he'll be able to come get ds unless I call him.

Part of me feels guilt, but I feel like I've been put in a lose-lose situation. I lose if ds doesn't go to the wedding (which is super low-key btw, no guests) because ex will be upset, and I lose if I let him go because I've given my ex a finger and now he's going for the whole arm.

What do you think and what would you do?

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#2 of 23 Old 04-18-2010, 11:07 PM
 
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I would just hang out at the ranch - this is intense and stressful and you need to take it easy. Since tomorrow is your day with ds, well then where ever you need to be for your sanity and health, he's there too. So when ex goes to pick him up (or call you to see if he can pick him up) he won't be able to get a hold of you. That's okay...you don't need to explain to him where you go or where you are at all times, right? It's not your responsibility to be available for his whims. It sounds to me like he is a pretty consistent jerk. Whether his gf is nice or not...it probably won't last and in that event, who cares if ds was there or not. The gf might be WONDERFUL, but there's no way she's changed him. People who cheat on their pregnant wife with multiple people don't change their spots without serious therapy and intervention.

Had they planned the event with plenty of information and notice to you, then I would probably make an effort to have ds there. I think it's good that you work hard to be amicable with him and that will serve your son well. It's an admirable thing for a mom to do, especially when she's been wronged in the manner that you were.

Stay at the ranch. Have some tea, play with your ds and relax.
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#3 of 23 Old 04-18-2010, 11:47 PM
 
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I would let him pick the boy up. He is HIS son, too.
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#4 of 23 Old 04-18-2010, 11:52 PM
 
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How old is your son?

I think what it comes down to is if you would let your ex have the day w/ DS if he wasn't getting married. If something else had come up and your ex wanted him for the day, would you let him go? If so, then I'd let your son go to the wedding.

He's under no obligation to tell you that he's getting re-married. He should have told you in advance if he wanted your son at a previously unscheduled time.
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#5 of 23 Old 04-18-2010, 11:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm aware that he is his son too, but my ex keeps being a jerk to his son's mother - me - after being seriously abusive (I had a social worker working with me on this. And, he never actually told me untill today that he was expecting to pick-up ds tomorow. Again, lack of respect. Excuse my language, but I'm not his bitch.

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#6 of 23 Old 04-19-2010, 12:02 AM - Thread Starter
 
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How old is your son?

I think what it comes down to is if you would let your ex have the day w/ DS if he wasn't getting married. If something else had come up and your ex wanted him for the day, would you let him go? If so, then I'd let your son go to the wedding.

He's under no obligation to tell you that he's getting re-married. He should have told you in advance if he wanted your son at a previously unscheduled time.
Ds is almost 5.

I get your point, it makes sense. I probably should've also said that I keep offering my ex more time with his son, and that ex doesn't want to. We were in a car accident 10 weeks ago, which left me with a broken knee and no car. Ex lives about 3 minutes from us (small town) and yet will not help in picking his son from school. He's too busy teaching yoga for free and hiking with his fiancée.

If he asked to spend the day with ds, as last minute as that, I'm not sure I'd say yes. If he wants to get remaried, it's none of my business, but if he wants ds to participate and it's not on one of his days, I feel he should ask me more than >24 hours in advance.

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#7 of 23 Old 04-19-2010, 12:26 AM
 
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FWIW, I'd meet him somewhere else. Forgot to put this in my first post, sorry! But I would keep bf's ranch as the "ex's drama free" zone. Is he being an arse? YES. Should he give you more notice? YES. Bottom line is you look spiteful if you don't let him go. He'll (DS) realize it later down the road, and it really isn't worth it to have him mad at you over something so dumb. With everything I have to decide on about my ex, I always ask myself if DD would hate me for it later. She'll be hitting her teen years soon (turning 10 in less than a month!) and she'll despise me anyway. I don't need her thinking less of me because of him. If he's (the ex) that way towards DS, then DS will realize that, too. HUGS, mama! I know it's hard.
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#8 of 23 Old 04-19-2010, 12:31 AM
 
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I would just hang out at the ranch - this is intense and stressful and you need to take it easy. Since tomorrow is your day with ds, well then where ever you need to be for your sanity and health, he's there too. So when ex goes to pick him up (or call you to see if he can pick him up) he won't be able to get a hold of you. That's okay...you don't need to explain to him where you go or where you are at all times, right? It's not your responsibility to be available for his whims. It sounds to me like he is a pretty consistent jerk. Whether his gf is nice or not...it probably won't last and in that event, who cares if ds was there or not. The gf might be WONDERFUL, but there's no way she's changed him. People who cheat on their pregnant wife with multiple people don't change their spots without serious therapy and intervention.

Had they planned the event with plenty of information and notice to you, then I would probably make an effort to have ds there. I think it's good that you work hard to be amicable with him and that will serve your son well. It's an admirable thing for a mom to do, especially when she's been wronged in the manner that you were.

Stay at the ranch. Have some tea, play with your ds and relax.
This is what I'd do. They can get married on a whim on his weekend. You've been over backwards long enough. If you don't insist on basic courtesy, then you won't get it. If they had notice, they should have given notice. If there was no notice, then they should have done it when he had his son if he wanted him there. This is NOT your problem.

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#9 of 23 Old 04-19-2010, 01:37 AM
 
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I think any unscheduled time needs more than 24 hours notice and he needs to ask not tell you he is coming to get DS. He doesn't need to tell you he is getting married but he does need to tell you he has a special event he doesn't want DS to miss and could he have him although it is not his time or schedule the wedding on his time.

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#10 of 23 Old 04-19-2010, 08:26 AM
 
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Your ex does not sound like a nice and reasonable guy at all. And yes, he should have offered you basic courtesy of advance notice, and yes, he should behave in a more mature manner, BUT...

If your ex stays with with this woman, then your son will always ask "why did I not come to my father's wedding?"

And the honest answer would be "I didn't want you to go, since your dad did not treat me right."

Are you prepared to give that answer? Are you ok with your son missing out on his dad's wedding?

You are in tough shoes, and have my full sympathy. I do not thing you should do it to make life easier for your EX. I think you should let your son go, so that he doesn't feel in the future that he missed out on the wedding of his own father. I'm speaking from kid's perspective here.

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#11 of 23 Old 04-19-2010, 10:55 AM
 
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What Oriole said. Better for your son to be there. I would smile, say of course you can get him for your wedding and don't let him see that he got to you.

Then I would cut off any personal conversations. Talk about your son and money, your son and money, your son and money.

Don't ask questions about things like rings--you are not going to like the answers. Get away from the personal!!

Think BUSINESS. Kid and money.

Also, start working on boundaries for future. After this, you can be really clear--I need 48--whatever amount of notice before an event not scheduled during your time. I will work with you if we don't have other plans already. I would verbally say this, and also email it. Then if he does very short notice, you just say no. With proper notice, you can be flexible if you don't have plans already.

I would also stop bending over backwards for him. Set boundaries and work within them but don't hurt yourself in the process.
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#12 of 23 Old 04-19-2010, 12:56 PM
 
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Honestly If BM did this, I would let dss go. I know you are BM in this instance, but with us its more like I am his mom and she is not.

My reasons.

You admit you like the women, or that she is nice. DS will want to know why he didn't go at one point.

You do not have to tell this man about the ranch, just say "well if you want to get him, I am free at this time ___ and we can meet you here ____"

Asking questions about the rings or anything personal like that just makes you seem kinda jealous, I know your not, I know your happy to be free of this man who seems like an ass.

You had a child with him, parenting is way more permanent then marriage, so in the end, put your ds before you like you would in any other situation. He will thank you for it in the long run.


I always try to bend over backwards here with my ex and dss bm, even when I really feel hurt, or when I just think they are being an ass. I don't do it for me, I do it for my kids.

After its all over, you will know you took the high road, and did everything you could do for your son.

That is my 2 cents.

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#13 of 23 Old 04-19-2010, 01:10 PM
 
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If your ex stays with with this woman, then your son will always ask "why did I not come to my father's wedding?"

And the honest answer would be "I didn't want you to go, since your dad did not treat me right."
No, I don't think that's fair at all.

You can just as easily say the honest answer is "Your father didn't even think about having you there until the day before, and didn't bother to make arrangements for you to come."

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#14 of 23 Old 04-19-2010, 01:18 PM
 
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mama also the 'abuse' is between you and your ex.

do not include your son in this. do not use him as a pawn.

everyone DOES NOT have to follow the rules all the time. yes he should have given you notice. etc, etc. that is between you and him. not between son and you guys.

and exactly what Oriole said.

i would seriously look into this and make sure you are not doing the same thing under different circumstances too.

i can relate to what you are talking about. i was/am in kinda the same situation. but the biggest blow to ex is me leading my life the way i want to rather than doing what he wants me to do. i bend over backwards to see dd gets time with him, even on short notice.

only because i think of the question oriole asked before. how would i answer dd if she asked why.

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#15 of 23 Old 04-19-2010, 01:26 PM
 
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Yeah, if the kid asked about why he wasn't there, that's what I'd say too, "It was a last minute wedding and they didn't make plans for family to be there because they wanted to have a small private wedding."

I think that the choice to stay at the ranch might imply that you are begrudging your son's presence at the wedding. Let me clarify. I would be absolutely as SWEET as pie while making that decision: "Oh gosh, I am so sorry! But he won't be able to make it today with such short notice!! Darn! Hey if you want to make it next weekend, I know he'd probably like to be there! Do you want me to help him find a nice dressy outfit for the ocassion or anything? I might check out some children's books out at the libray for him, about parents getting remarried. How exciting for him to have a new step-mom. Ya know I really like her. Good luck, I wish you guys the best!"

Jeez, and now that I think about it, he didn't even have a conversation with your son about this new woman becoming a permanent part of the family??? I know 4-5 years olds and people OFTEN say they're too young and don't get it anyway. So untrue. Kids of that age benefit greatly from a dialog about what's going to happen and what it will/won't mean as far as daily life, holidays, etc. I think he put zero thought into the importance of having the boy there and it wouldn't be a big deal at all for the child to miss it. I'd even have him make a card for Daddy and ________, the new wife just to drive home the point that you aren't upset about them getting married! (it's just like you said though...he's taking the whole arm! and he'll continue to do that if you let him. Set some boundaries...but SMILE and be very sweet as you do it!)
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#16 of 23 Old 04-19-2010, 01:31 PM
 
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Yeah, if the kid asked about why he wasn't there, that's what I'd say too, "It was a last minute wedding and they didn't make plans for family to be there because they wanted to have a small private wedding."

I think that the choice to stay at the ranch might imply that you are begrudging your son's presence at the wedding. Let me clarify. I would be absolutely as SWEET as pie while making that decision: "Oh gosh, I am so sorry! But he won't be able to make it today with such short notice!! Darn! Hey if you want to make it next weekend, I know he'd probably like to be there! Do you want me to help him find a nice dressy outfit for the ocassion or anything? I might check out some children's books out at the libray for him, about parents getting remarried. How exciting for him to have a new step-mom. Ya know I really like her. Good luck, I wish you guys the best!"

Jeez, and now that I think about it, he didn't even have a conversation with your son about this new woman becoming a permanent part of the family??? I know 4-5 years olds and people OFTEN say they're too young and don't get it anyway. So untrue. Kids of that age benefit greatly from a dialog about what's going to happen and what it will/won't mean as far as daily life, holidays, etc. I think he put zero thought into the importance of having the boy there and it wouldn't be a big deal at all for the child to miss it. I'd even have him make a card for Daddy and ________, the new wife just to drive home the point that you aren't upset about them getting married! (it's just like you said though...he's taking the whole arm! and he'll continue to do that if you let him. Set some boundaries...but SMILE and be very sweet as you do it!)
I'm going a bit off topic, but you don't know that he hasn't discussed his FW with his son. They've been together a while now, correct? He may have even knew that they intended to get married. Him not discussing it with his XW doesn't mean that it wasn't discussed with his son.
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#17 of 23 Old 04-19-2010, 01:50 PM
 
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I think you have to draw the line and not be used. Him giving you a last minute notice about picking up your/his son is not acceptable. I think by giving in you're only making yourself a doormat for him (with the same being expected by him in the future). He could've sat down and talked with you about this. It could've been done so very differently. But it seems he chose to do all of this on a whim and you're just supposed to be available to "fall in line"? Not very respectful, imo.

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#18 of 23 Old 04-19-2010, 01:59 PM
 
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I think you have to draw the line and not be used. Him giving you a last minute notice about picking up your/his son is not acceptable. I think by giving in you're only making yourself a doormat for him (with the same being expected by him in the future). He could've sat down and talked with you about this. It could've been done so very differently. But it seems he chose to do all of this on a whim and you're just supposed to be available to "fall in line"? Not very respectful, imo.

To me agreeing to let ds go wouldn't be "falling in line". It would be a consent to let the child experience his fathers wedding, She could also make a firm statement saying " I will allow it because it is a special day and I want ds to be apart of it, he is apart of your family, however, in the future I would appreciate a 48 hour notice for visits and I would have appreciated time to prepare".

She doesn't have to make this about her and ex. It could be a very good thing for her son.

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#19 of 23 Old 04-19-2010, 03:10 PM
 
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I'm going a bit off topic, but you don't know that he hasn't discussed his FW with his son. They've been together a while now, correct? He may have even knew that they intended to get married. Him not discussing it with his XW doesn't mean that it wasn't discussed with his son.
That's true, I made an assumption. But I find it hard to believe that if the son knew about the plans that he wouldn't casually mention it to his mommy or ask questions. I'm betting the son didn't know. But you're right, I might be wrong about that.

So CliffRose? It was today, right? What did you decide?
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#20 of 23 Old 04-19-2010, 03:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all the replies.
I ended up smallowing my ego and sending him a late email telling him that ds's well-being was my priority, and that he could come pick him up this morning at the ranch (I cant drive, I've a broken knee).
I also told him that I felt hurt and disrespected, and that unless we did mediation/counselling together a minimum of twice a month, I was done trying to be amicable and working with him. We live in a town of less than 1,000 and share many friends, and see each other often at social events.
I like his wife (it's sounds weird :P ), and next time I see her I want to tell her that it was nothing personal. I like her, and hopefully she's helping him work some of his crap.
Thank you all for the support! MDC has been a blessing. I've found much support and compassion here.

"That boy, Frank, he lives inside his own heart. That's a real big place to live." ~ Karl Childers (Billy Bob Thornton) in Sling Blade
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#21 of 23 Old 04-19-2010, 03:22 PM
 
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Yes your ex sounds like an arse, however I agree 100% with Oriole, I would let your son go to the wedding. The way your ex is handling it is terrible, however I think as a mother you should think about the big picture, and do what, as an adult looking back, your son would want you to have done. I think that would most likely be going to the wedding. If you say no, your decision is coming out of spite or a continued power struggle...and this is not the example you want to set for your child.

I would be absolutely infuriated with my ex if he only told me about his wedding the day before, because I believe kids should have lots of time to be mentally prepared and feel like an important part of the planning process when one of their parent's make such a life-altering decision...however, at this point all you can do is be the parent your child needs...and sometimes that means setting aside anger and making the best choice for the child. I don't see it as a doormat, I see it as being an amazing parent who puts a child's needs before their own.

I am sorry you even have to deal with this, it sucks.

ETA: I read most of the replies but of course I didn't see your final decision! I think it was a great one!

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#22 of 23 Old 04-19-2010, 03:35 PM
 
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I didn't have a chance to reply earlier but want to say now that I think you made the right decision by letting DS go. I'm sure that it will mean a lot to DS that he was included, no matter how last minute it was.

I'd also add that I don't think it's weird that you like your ex's new wife (though it may be weird that she likes him!! ) and she may be a reason for optimism in this situation. My dad was a complete schmuck to my mom (including physical abuse) and generally not a great person but for some crazy reason a wonderful woman chose to be his second wife. I can't tell you how her presence in our family has helped us all to get over the past and smooth out the relationships among everyone in the family. Best of all, she has brought out the best in my dad, something I thought didn't really exist. Of course you can't put the new wife between your ex and you, use her to relay messages, or have any great expectations, but it might not hurt to foster that friendship and see where it leads. It could set a wonderful example for DS as well.

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#23 of 23 Old 04-25-2010, 09:05 PM
 
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To me agreeing to let ds go wouldn't be "falling in line". It would be a consent to let the child experience his fathers wedding, She could also make a firm statement saying " I will allow it because it is a special day and I want ds to be apart of it, he is apart of your family, however, in the future I would appreciate a 48 hour notice for visits and I would have appreciated time to prepare".
Hm, I agree. Especially about the statement.

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